2 kids in private school, sending 3rd child to state. Thoughts please.

[ThirstyMeeples]

Hi, I’m interested in opinions please about this. I have 2 children in private secondary school and our 3rd child is approaching the end of primary state school.
With the increase in VAT, it’s just much more of a financial stretch now. We could just about afford to send DC3 but would come at a cost to lifestyle. Also DC3 is more self motivated than her siblings and is less likely to need the individual attention that the older 2 get in private school. Our local state school has its issues with behaviour but is overall pretty good and friends’ kids have done well there.
But I’m struggling with the idea of not treating them equally and it becoming a source of contention in the future.
Has anyone else done similar?
Thanks for your thoughts.

I would be ashamed to ask or even think of doing that

You're looking for some serious backlash at a later date.

I don't get the outrage. Send DC3 to state, the other 2 will be moving g there anyway & why send her private for just a few years. Don't downsize your house for the sake of private school, FFS. As you say, DC3 ihaa a different nature to the other 2 - sounds like state will suit her better anyway
I have a friend who won a scholarship to a private school. Her parents decided not to send her as they knew DC3 would never get a scholarship and they couldn't have afforded it so didn't want to make a difference. Friend is still resentful about this, so you can't win, even if you treat them all the same!

If you feel the youngest would feel they got a lesser option then why not bank enough money every month that you can pay the whole of university upfront when the time comes so that they graduate debt-free?

My parents paid for private school and told me I was on my own when it came to university (including not making the "expected" parental contribution).

I had no say in them paying for private school and would rather they had contributed at university.

I would strongly suggest OP does not do this. It is another reason why sending to private is "fairer". It's very hard to make up an equivalent offering that isn't private school without another sibling thinking that they might have rather had that but had not been given the choice.

Don’t do it. Send DC3 private and compromise on your lifestyle. It’s not only the smaller class sizes your older two would have benefited from. It’s their peer group, their parent’s and the whole ethos of the school.
in a good private school kids aren’t so snobbish a s to look down on those with less. They have more class than that any any perception about being able to keep up with yje Jones’s will be yours and not other people

I have a friend who bizarrely has put the highest achiever private and the not considered academic in state.
When I've spoken to her about it I've never been blunt but I can't understand her rationale and I don't think she gets it re treating the DC differently.

She could be in for a hard time when they get older and compare.

Also it's not just about grades it's everything else smaller classes usually a much nicer environment, more personal care, in some cases wider diversity,

Could be done but need to explain well, the rational behind the decision.
Also, ensure that older two do not undermine DC3 saying that you and father care more about them as they went to private school. Give lots of reassurance that u care as much for all 3Maybe ask DC3 where they want to go? Where are friends going.
Lastly, if DH went to Eton could DGP help.
Good luck what ever u decide
.

I know a family where 1/3 DC went to private school, the other two were resentful their whole lives.

Dont be so ridiculous. Either send all your kids to private school or none.

I have mixed thoughts on private schools but even I recognise how unfair this is and the potential resentment.

Just to add to my earlier anecdote, my sister's kids are now in their 30s and all doing very well in life. It didn't adversely affect their relationships at all. All three are close and good friends. The older one fully recognised there was a need for the younger two to change provision at that point and she didn't.

There’s no doubt that you have the best intentions, but you have no way of knowing how your daughter will see it down the line. It’s definitely better to err on the side of absolute fairness in this kind of situation. Lesser things tear families apart.

Have you thought about offering your children a choice.
2 at private school you explain if they stay and have you pay an executable amount will be credited to the 3rd child for her uni or a other reasons.
You get all the children to sign an agreement to this effect, and write it into your wills.

I have four siblings, 3 went private and 2 of us went state because we got into grammar. I couldn’t care less that I didn’t go private and it has not affected our relationships.

You might get away with it when they are children
But seriously,if the child at state school ,does less well in life than the ones at private school you will get resentment as adults.
This could really impact on the siblings relationships as well.
I 100% would not do that ..I'm sure some people do ..but I definitely wouldn't

Goodness is state school akin to prison in the UK ??? Seems like it with the horror being expressed here .
I would definitely send the child to state if I couldn’t afford private . Circumstances change , that’s life . Kids need coping and adaptation mechanisms.
Talk to her , am sure she will understand .

Aaaaand this is exactly why you shouldn't do private school unless you've got more than enough money left in case of a fee hike.

The "horror" is about the unfairness.
You can't spend £1000s of pounds on 2 children and nothing on the other.
OP admits she sees the private school as "better" or she wouldn't have paid for it.

Both my children have been privately educated since 3, but we’d always said ‘if you pass the 11plus and want to go to a state grammar that is fine, but you can stay in private’

Both passed, one picked grammar, one stayed at private school. It was their choice, so no arguments.

I think it is dangerous territory to not give the same opportunity to child 3. Can you say none of them can do private sixth form? Would that be enough of a saving?

But circumstances and outlooks change. The parents could be on a different financial position/ see there is not the value added to justify the outlay which you might not know with your first. Definite case by case basis for this.

Exactly how I worked it out.

The OP is no worse off for one year and better off for the rest.

So the original premise that the third child even needs to be considered for the local comprehensive because of the other two is fundamentally flawed.

I think if that's what needs to be done for now, it's fine. I'd say once one of the older two are old enough to leave private school, that your 3rd child should then be given a place at that school. Certainly from Yr 9 in preparation for exams.

All mine are in state, and the behaviour/ disruption from others is what has impacted on the quality of the lessons in the school my children. Which you don't have so much of in private.

They very much want to get ahead, and this is the only thing which has let them down.

My sister went to private school. My parents asked me what I wanted to do for high school and I opted for public. Private seemed like a waste of money to me. Maybe ask your kid what she wants? Don’t mention how it would be a financial burden though because her response shouldn’t be swayed by that.

My Dbro not only attended an independent senior school, it was a boarding school, too. Whereas elder sis and I attended the state grammar. Younger sis attended a very academic independent, but that was only because she was bright enough to not merely pass the entrance exam, but to be awarded a full scholarship.
To be honest, while I do occasionally feel resentment at DM (now long gone) for being prepared to spend so much more on the only boy, the disparities have never affected our relationships. All 4 of us get on very well.

I don't think the choice should be left up to an 11 year old who doesn't have an informed overview of the education system. Decisions made by a child are not always wise ones.

Absolutely no way unless 3rd is on board. I know someone who did that but at the insistence the youngest wanting to go to the local school with his mates. In the end they couldn’t see a reason not to go with what he wanted but the local school was very good and they were prepared to move him if he changed his mind.

they all need to be moved to state or none. My aunt was sent to state when her brothers got sent private and she never got over it. It wasn’t the school itself, it was the fact she felt her parents thought she wasn’t worth it