Hears why not to have kids past 40

[menopausepluskids]

Light hearted (not).

I`ll start by saying i adore my children love them very much they are a joy most times.
But i want a bit of a rant on why i shall tell my kids not to have kids after 40.
Im 51 i have a 3 and 6 year old and i really thought i could do this.
Love them but wish i had them younger.

My mum is to old to help with child care.
Im tired and just want to sit or potter about not have to deal with nappies and potty training.
My mother always said if you want kids have them before 35 so you have freedom back.
No i wanted to live and i did but now i want to go on holiday at my age in peace read books do paintings cant do that now.

My youngest sister has two kids that are adults now and shes living it up as i say shes just turned 40 and had amazing birthday in spain.
Yes i was jealous a bit.
I admit i did look down at her when the kids were young i looked down on a lot of younger mums and im sorry (i didnt know how hard it was).

My life is now tantrums toys schools mum mum mum crying and waking at no later than 6am every day.

My friends and my sister have the perfect lifes lay in on the week ends dont have to cook go away at the drop of a hat.
Always plaining something.
Me i have to deal with dinners bath times etc.
I asked my sister to babysit for me a few months back and she flat out said no her right followed with you didnt help me.

My husband is full on but we did agree with each other we did leave it late.
Now my friend have grown up kids and doing different things while im stuck skint and well alittle jealous.
I will be telling my kids if you want kids when your older dont have them past 40.

I sit and think fuck me im still going to be school running and still have kids at home in my 70s.
Given my time again i would not do it or at least had them in my 30s.
Mix it all up with peri menopause lovely.

This is my karma isn`t it.

@Fragmentedbrain I loved my career that I’d had for 20 years but i was very grateful that I could give it up when I had my DD at 40 because I had enough money behind me, had bought my own house and DH was also in a very good career.

and you'll be here again in 10 years rtme saying....omg, time flies, they are due to leave. The one thing you'll wish is that you could turn back time.
Please truly embrace every tantrum, every argument, every wonder if Amazon Prime will get it to you on time....Please enjoy it. Before you know t, they will have gone.
53 with a 15 year old and time is slipping away. I can't go on holiday with you, I have a job...etc.

Gratitude for having to give up something you love doesn't make sense to me.

I was 16 too like PP and definitely feel less patient now. I had endless patience and energy back then, I think it was what helped me cope.

This isn't something you can honestly claim though. You're happy to stay in because you have a child and you have to. It comes with the territory. I am happy to stay in now while I raise my children and I have done so in my late 20s and 30s.

I had my first one at 29 second at 34 and was happy to leave it at that but then got a 'surprise' extra at 42. I'm now 51 like you OP and finding it hard going. I had a lot of people tell me that I would have so much more patience being older but have found the opposite to be true. I've just been doing this for too bloody long now and I've had enough.
It really hit me a couple of weeks ago when I was indulging in a snoop on Rightmove, looking for the perfect little house to downsize to (eventually) and I realised that realistically my youngest will probably still be living with me when I'm 70. I could have cried.

My niece is ten and her parents are mid 50s.
She’s starting to realise she has quite old parents compared to her friends and I feel really sorry for her

Have you contacted Social Services? Poor child with loving parents ...

I'm 52 and gad my youngest at 38.
I'm just knackered, narky and not really enjoying it.
Luckily they're at the age I've a bit of freedom again.
But it sucks

Tbh there are advantages and disadvantages both ways, being a younger or older mum. It's sad that you don't seem to be enjoying the experience of motherhood at all. Is it possible you have depression? If your kids are 3 and 6, that is a tough bit of parenting, the most exhausting. I found 7-11 to be the golden years, so maybe it will feel easier a little way down the line. I had triplets at 42, DH was 48. Yes I wish we had had children sooner but it wasn't possible. It has been really exhausting, very difficult times, with chronic fatigue and peri menopause thrown in. Try to stop and notice the joyful things sometimes. Watch them at play. Take videos if that helps you to focus on the amazing beings that they are, rather than just the taskmasters of all feeding/bedtimes/laundry etc. etc. etc. It will get easier. You'll be able to take those holidays eventually. And have those lie-ins.

@Fragmentedbrain - if you have kids you’d understand, if you do have kids and don’t understand then I feel sorry for you.

I don't really get the difference (other than it being easier physically to have them younger). You spend x number of years raising children and giving up free time, no matter what age you are when you have them.

Your sister might be freer in her 40s since she had her kids young, but she wasn't freer in her 20s and 30s when you were. When you were doing all the free adult things, she was home with kids. Now you are home with kids and she is doing all the free adult things. It all balances out in the end.

I had mine in my 20s. The only real disadvantage was not having built up as much finance as we would have if we'd waited.

I agree with you OP, had my last in my 40s and although I feel fine juggling everything and looking after her my parents are getting older and I’m increasingly getting friends with significant medical problems/ dying.
i don’t regret my youngest a bit but looking back the most important thing is being around for them as they get towards their teens, not whether you’re tired with the sleepless nights as a baby.
i worry I haven’t been fair and she has a raw deal with older parents but as I said, no regrets as she’s wonderful. She was a surprise 11th hour baby after many years of losses.

Totally agree. Had mine at 39 and 42 and have just turned 63. It’s all been great. I wouldn’t have had the patience or the money to have done it in my 20s.

Which is very very different to having kids at 45 and 48 as per OP.

I do worry about my friend, she’s had her first at 29 but her partner is 50. I know age gap relationships can work but they were only together for 6 months and they began to try for a baby.
i can just imagine him getting more tired by it all.

I am pretty sure women still have needs for themselves after having kids.

I had my son in my early 20’s, now expecting a surprise second baby in my late 30’s 😂😬

So many people spouting about free time. I've met people who look & feel far too young to retire. They have more money & free time than they know what to do with. A lot of them admit to feeling bored & lacking in purpose now their children have left home & parents have passed away & thats despite their endless holidays & hobbies. At least having a job & raising a family or helping with grandchildren gives you a real purpose in life & a sense of pride if you make a success of it.

Had mine at 35 & 39, which where I live, is the equivalent of having them at 50 elsewhere as early 20's is the norm here. I do feel wierd sometimes, especially as some my age have GC's already. It's mostly hard as no one our age is interested in doing things restricted by children as they've been there, done that (even though we did for them when child free!).

But I don't regret it, because before DC, I built a career (which I don't have anymore due to SEN DC & working school hours), good pension & we travelled to all the places we'd dreamed of going. Also built a financial base. We just took DC to Japan. House is paid off.

if we'd had them early, we never would have done any of it. As I expected, DH's unhealthy parents became ill about the time we would have been 'free' and he was pressured to drop everything to help. We had three years of MIL being ill, passing, and now FIL is frail & riddled with health issues. FIL had a fall the night before we flew out to Japan. Thankfully was ok, but it's going to get worse & could go on for years. We're well and truly sandwiched now, but glad we had the carefree time before DC. So, it's not all bad.

I had my 3rd at 39, menopause definitely don't go well with teenagers.

I didn't think about children until I was financially able to provide to be honest, zero support from anyone or government, I can't possibly do this until 30.

Unless you are wealthy, having babies in your 40s means that they are still dependent on your when you at retirement age, it's really hard when your job isn't age friendly, I honestly don't know whether I can support DD3 through university when I am 58, I can't save now because I am supporting my older DC at universities. It's not only physically tough, it's financially too.

It's the path I chose, having children or travel around the world with all the time and money I've got.

I had one at 19 another at 35 and one at 40 . If you think they are easy at any age you are simply deluded . They were hard at that age , every single one of them , in my 20 s , in my 30s and in my 40s . In fact I find the last one in my 40s easier in some ways

YANBU I also think that women should have children earlier. I’m 59 and my 4 are all adults and I’m relishing my freedom. There is such a small window of time that women are fertile and it’s becoming smaller with each year women put off having children. My DD 32 has PCOS and started trying straight after her wedding aged 27. She is now being considered for IVF and I’m so glad she didn’t wait until later

38 here, had first at 35 but struggling with second and had a recent miscarriage still be closer to 40 by the time is works out and my husband 43. We talk about this all the time. Having kids older was not our choice, but it’s the way it is and while I’m tired I think kids are just tiring whatever age. The pros outweigh the cons though. We’ve more money, I am so much happier in my skin with better boundaries with friends, work and family that make me quite a good and nice mom. I’m more patient, more kind and I really prioritise my own health whereas ten years ago I’d have missed things like boozing and partying.

every stage of life has pros and cons. Have kids younger and you miss you out. Have them older and it comes with challenges.

with regard parents my mam is 81 as she had me at 42. She first became a grandmother at 59 to my sisters kids and was never there, her age today although valid, has just been an excuse over the years to not be interested.

enjoy what you have, it’s ok to feel it’s tough but the grass ain’t always greener.

DC was 6 when I was 50. I was fine with that. I know I would have hated to be parenting in my twenties or early 30s. I didn't feel an energy level difference

The older both parents are, the more likelihood of mental illness or severe neurodivergence in children. I didn’t realise this until I was older.