Hears why not to have kids past 40

[menopausepluskids]

Light hearted (not).

I`ll start by saying i adore my children love them very much they are a joy most times.
But i want a bit of a rant on why i shall tell my kids not to have kids after 40.
Im 51 i have a 3 and 6 year old and i really thought i could do this.
Love them but wish i had them younger.

My mum is to old to help with child care.
Im tired and just want to sit or potter about not have to deal with nappies and potty training.
My mother always said if you want kids have them before 35 so you have freedom back.
No i wanted to live and i did but now i want to go on holiday at my age in peace read books do paintings cant do that now.

My youngest sister has two kids that are adults now and shes living it up as i say shes just turned 40 and had amazing birthday in spain.
Yes i was jealous a bit.
I admit i did look down at her when the kids were young i looked down on a lot of younger mums and im sorry (i didnt know how hard it was).

My life is now tantrums toys schools mum mum mum crying and waking at no later than 6am every day.

My friends and my sister have the perfect lifes lay in on the week ends dont have to cook go away at the drop of a hat.
Always plaining something.
Me i have to deal with dinners bath times etc.
I asked my sister to babysit for me a few months back and she flat out said no her right followed with you didnt help me.

My husband is full on but we did agree with each other we did leave it late.
Now my friend have grown up kids and doing different things while im stuck skint and well alittle jealous.
I will be telling my kids if you want kids when your older dont have them past 40.

I sit and think fuck me im still going to be school running and still have kids at home in my 70s.
Given my time again i would not do it or at least had them in my 30s.
Mix it all up with peri menopause lovely.

This is my karma isn`t it.

In your 60's with two teenagers OP? That sounds absolutely hideous! I'm 50 with a young adult and think I timed it pretty well, the idea of changing nappies now has zero appeal - you must be completely mad!

I had my last one at 39, a few months shy of 40. I thought it was quite late. I’m the oldest mum of his peers, but I’m also the fittest.

At 55 I feel a bit old having a 15, nearly 16 year old.

You need to keep your fitness up to keep up with them when teens. We go on hiking holidays, and I go the gym and run 10k/ half marathons with my kids.

You need to take time to stay fit and defy your age. That’s all you can do to counteract it.

I had mine at 20 😂 still went clubbing and had clubing holidays abroad
took my son on loads of holiday with me from age one and did pretty much every year twice a year til he was around 21 -22.

but I had fantastic family support and lived close to all of my family so never had any of the endless baby problems that so many seem to have
my parents adored their grandkids and had an open house for all of us
all of us built in babysitters with our family

But I couldn’t even imagine having a baby / toddler at my age now or even 10 years ago

no thank you I’m far to selfish I couldn’t even keep a goldfish alive 😂

my sons father had a baby within his 3rd wife or 4th can’t remember when he was 52 and I think she was around 44 a few years ago
considering that his eldest was around about 28 and his youngest with his other wife’s were maybe 22 -24 everyone thought he was bat shit crazy -like why - you were a shit dad the 1st -4th time. No 5 ain’t gonna mean your any better

They both look & act like they have done 10 rounds with Mike Tyson and then Tyson Fury kicked them about for fun 😂
Me and his other wives on the other hand are enjoying have huge amounts of freedom plenty of sleep and plenty of money to spend on ourselves

My feeling is Don’t Waste The Good Years on baby drudgery.

Have DC before your twenties or after your thirties - job done. DC are knackering, restricting and not that joyous anytime, so max out your freedom and fun every year you can.

Same! I had my DC just after my 42nd. Not intentionally, that's just how it happened. Apart from the odd 'off tone of voice' they've been quite pleasant so far during adolescence.
So far. 😊

Six plus is when it starts to calm down a bit and DC get a bit more independent, it's small wins along the way OP.

I work with small children (aged 5 & 6) and whilst I love working with them I am forever grateful to head home to my teens who communicate in grunts during the post school hour or two... I'm early 40s and knackered!
DH is older than me with a hell of a lot more energy (luckily).

My personal limit was to be done having children before 30. That was based on my mum going through the menopause by 45 and DH being older.

I had my one and only at 43. Now nearly 69 (he's 26) and we have a great relationship. We both know already that we are unlikely to be the useful grandparents who do school pickups and sleepovers every week. But that's for him to work out.

I had my first at 40. I love it. I do wish I'd started younger but only because I am very sad that it's looking impossible for me to conceive a second. I'm jealous of friends with little newborns!

I would recommend my kids start earlier than 40 but only because of the risk of not conceiving at all. But sometimes one doesn't get the opportunity earlier.

I had twins at 47. My mum had me at 42. I was proud of having an older mum who had a career (back in the 60s) before having kids.
I think being an older mum keeps you young - she’s now (at 95) a loving granny to my young kids.

I found pregnancy and birth at 47 absolutely fine. I’m exhausted now, but that’s more from working full time in a senior high-stress role while being a single mum.

Ideally I’d have had kids at about 35-40, but circumstances didn’t allow for that.

Perfect life doesn’t exist

I'm 46, have a 6 and 3 year old - am loving life. I don't feel any different to how I've felt all my life, I don't ever really think about how old I am. But I definitely am grateful I had my 20s and 30s to do what I wanted so for me personally I wouldn't have it any other way.

I think it's different for everyone. And each phase brings it's own joys and challenges, however old you are.

Your post and spelling errors have made me sad. I know you want to rant but you made the decision to have your babies at that age and it’s upsetting to read when so many people would give anything to get the opportunity to be parents.

Im early thirties with young kids and everything you’re saying it just what being a parent is. I struggle and I’m almost 20 years younger than you. It’s hard. But I’m not going to rant about why I can’t go on holiday and read books because I chose to have kids that I have to run around after. We know what we’re signing up for!

OP you are currently in the trenches and I promise you it DOES get easier. Our youngest has stopped with all the tantrums and it’s made a huge difference to our lives. Hang in there x

We had our children in our mid 20s. After they left to go to uni we spent our mid 40s- mid 50s independently travelling etc then the Grandchildren came along & it all began again.We love every minute of helping out at this stage of life & they keep you young. I totally agree with having them fairly young but in the OPs situation I'd just be grateful to have a lovely family.

Ah the endless birthday parties… I have birthday party fatigue/phobia!! The screaming and awkward conversation!
I had mine at 38 & 42 after many miscarriages. Love them dearly but it’s exhausting! Saying that, I was entirely self-absorbed and unreliable in my 20s so I’m really glad I waited!

My close friend who was born to 16 and 18 year
old parents feels very similar - not emotionally mature enough to raise her in any real way beyond basic survival, not established enough to provide financially, she was grown up before they were really on their feet. No support. It can go both ways.

I'd suggest the same to mine. I have a big gap between my DC so have been a young parent and an older parent. It was a lot easier and more enjoyable being a younger parent, I had tons of energy, patience and enthusiasm. I'm constantly tired now and things feel much more like a chore rather than being fun.

40 would have been my cut off. Had my 2nd at 33. And no way am I having a 3rd now in my 40’s. My oldest is almost 17 and very self sufficient.

each to their own, but I can’t think of anything worse than a stubborn toddler. Our teen has been amazing, my 9 year old on the other hand. Might give me run for my money in his teen years.

with both newborn was my very favourite stage, granted both were easy babies, I didn’t even mind my second being a Velcro as a baby.

I think it looks pretty balls at any age and children never seem to leave home now so I wouldn't worry about it tbh

They exist, the die is cast, that's why God made wine

Respectfully, you sound a little awful. I bet they are not that keen to hang around with you either.

I had mine at 38 and 41 - in an ideal world I'd have had them earlier. But as PP have said everything aligning so that you can hit the ideal window doesn't happen for everyone.

It's been fine - great actually. I'm late 50s, they are teens. I'm fit we ski, hike, climb, canoe etc. I don't want to sit on a sofa, they keep me young.

Main issue is Grandparenting - my parents are no use and I suspect I will be too old when DC reproduce unless they do it very soon.

Although the one thing I do think when I read these threads is I see your ' I had my kids in my 20s and now me and DH can go on lovely cruises' and raise you 'I travelled the world with a backpack, partied hard and had many adventures.' - it's better

Massive difference between 40 and 48.
I have a soon to be 18 year old and will turn 60 next year.
I honestly think after 40 is too late.
Thankfully she is a great girl, but still it is hard work parenting in your 50's.

God help you OP, I wouldn't be you for diamonds.

Can your sister with her new found freedom help you with your children? My rule was not kids after 35. Two teens aged 13 and nearly 19. They come with their own challenges but feel like I am out the other side now.

I'm 45 and I had dcs in my teens, 30s and 40s. I'm not exhausted and don't feel it's been much more tiring having dcs when over 40 than having a dc in my 20s. It helps that the father of my younger dcs is far more involved, financially I don't have to juggle ft work, and can afford to do lots of activities to keep the dcs busy although we choose not to use much childcare. I've been fortunate that pg, childbirth and bfing have been easy for me at all ages, and I don't have an issue functioning on little sleep. I keep myself healthy and have no real ailments and no sign of peri as yet.
I have the teen years yet to come for my younger dcs, but they were fine for my older dc so not expecting them to be much worse in my 50s.

If it makes you feel better OP, all 3 of mine were born by the time I was 26. Now I'm 31, I still feel like you do most of the time and now the youngest is in school, am just coming through the other side.

Having young children is absolutely all consuming and definitely exhausting. There are many facets of myself and my relationship that are very much on the back burner. I honestly think this is the case whether you are 20 or 50.

I'm not trying to diminish your perspective, I'm sure things like peri and just being older can make you feel less energetic, but there's swings and roundabouts I suppose.

I am looking forward to having time back with my partner, but we're not guaranteed anything. You've got your DC and it's honestly all worth it, even the bad stuff. I hope things get easier for you soon, I'm sure they will x