Hears why not to have kids past 40

[menopausepluskids]

Light hearted (not).

I`ll start by saying i adore my children love them very much they are a joy most times.
But i want a bit of a rant on why i shall tell my kids not to have kids after 40.
Im 51 i have a 3 and 6 year old and i really thought i could do this.
Love them but wish i had them younger.

My mum is to old to help with child care.
Im tired and just want to sit or potter about not have to deal with nappies and potty training.
My mother always said if you want kids have them before 35 so you have freedom back.
No i wanted to live and i did but now i want to go on holiday at my age in peace read books do paintings cant do that now.

My youngest sister has two kids that are adults now and shes living it up as i say shes just turned 40 and had amazing birthday in spain.
Yes i was jealous a bit.
I admit i did look down at her when the kids were young i looked down on a lot of younger mums and im sorry (i didnt know how hard it was).

My life is now tantrums toys schools mum mum mum crying and waking at no later than 6am every day.

My friends and my sister have the perfect lifes lay in on the week ends dont have to cook go away at the drop of a hat.
Always plaining something.
Me i have to deal with dinners bath times etc.
I asked my sister to babysit for me a few months back and she flat out said no her right followed with you didnt help me.

My husband is full on but we did agree with each other we did leave it late.
Now my friend have grown up kids and doing different things while im stuck skint and well alittle jealous.
I will be telling my kids if you want kids when your older dont have them past 40.

I sit and think fuck me im still going to be school running and still have kids at home in my 70s.
Given my time again i would not do it or at least had them in my 30s.
Mix it all up with peri menopause lovely.

This is my karma isn`t it.

Her sister has refused to help on the basis that OP didn’t offer to help her when her children were small. You reap what you sow.

This.

The grass is always greener.

I get that this is light hearted, and I agree if you can have your kids younger have them younger but life is what it is. Rather than wasting your kids childhood wishing you could read a book in peace enjoy where you are right now!

Meh in my 20s I backpacked all over the world. No way I would have the energy for that now. Glad I did it whilst I was young and vigorous even if now I’m old and knackered with kids!

I completely agree with this. Things didn't work out for us to be able to have a baby earlier. Its a miracle we are parents. But as a fit couple at 40 we are definitely in a better position than some people a decade younger.

I had my kids at 40 and 42, DH was 44 and 46. I wasn’t ready for marriage and kids in my 20’s, I was far too busy working, clubbing, travelling. When DH and I started ttc I had problems with recurrent miscarriage due to blood clotting problem so it took longer than expected.
Long story short, my kids are now 20 and 18 and I have enjoyed every bloody minute. Apart from the early exhausting newborn phase that everyone experiences, I have not been knackered, nor have I ever regretted having them.y I have had plenty of energy.
One of the advantages of being older was that I had a good career before kids but was able to afford to give it up when I had them because I had no family near to help. DH also had a good career and was fully onboard to supporting this decision so it meant I didn’t have to juggle work/kids which I’m sure is exhausting.
I am now 61 and I’m very close to both DC. Most of their friend’s parents are in their 50’s so they don’t feel ashamed of my age. I have just got back from a holiday in Ibiza with my DD and friends, we go to the gym regularly together, and I’ve just been to a concert with my DS. They keep me young and I wouldn’t have had it any other way.

I did my traveling from my mid 30s onwards. No backpacks or hostels for me, it never appealed even when I was young and vigorous.

Wasn't it a bit rubbish giving up a whole career?

My mum was just over 40 and she says she is really they both decided to stick with one. She freely admits she wouldn't have had he energy for 2

I had mine early 20s, worked well for me and I’m enjoying our 30s with older independent kids. However I have friends who would have hated that.

My opinion is do it young, middle OR older. Don’t do a mix eg. having a child in each decade of life. I know someone who has had kids in their 20s and their 40s. You get all the cons and none of the benefits that way 😖

There’s a post on having children in your 40s every few months. If nature allows you to have children at 45 or even 48 you’re not too old! There are pluses and minuses. Older parents have more patience, they’re hopefully more mature, more sorted and accepting. On the downside they may have less energy, might be past it by the time grandchildren arrive and not able to look after them. Having children is exhausting at any age. Enjoy your young ones and stop beating yourself up with what ifs. They’ll soon be doing their own thing and you’ll miss them like mad. PS I had mine at 42 and 45. They’re young adults now. I can say hand on heart having them was the best thing I ever did.

Having my second and last at 30, 5 year age gap.
I'm dreading the sleepless nights again when our 5 year old sleeps really well.. Cannot imagine doing that at nearly 50 at least when I'm in my 50s they will soon or already be moving out.

I had my last at 40 and youngest at 29. I was with dd and friends today and dd said "mum can't run, she's 51!" Her little mate said "God my mums only 36!" I had a good laugh. I think I'd have been mortified if she wasn't my last and had 3 older siblings.

I do feel exhausted but I have felt exhausted since I had my first in my late twenties. Not peri yet but I can forsee the joys of menopause and a child hitting puberty. Mind you I did think of all that through and I adore her so it's all good. I also know what's coming with her brother being 21. Puberty is such fun!

I can't go gray gracefully until dd has finished school in case someone mistakes me for her gran and mortified her. She does ask how old she will be when I die.

However i wasnt child free in my thirties either. She would have adult siblings if i die before she grows up. Conversely her 13 year brother at just two years older this feels like total non issue having a baby at 37 and a few months. Weird how a extra two years feels too old

I think most mums 40+ don't choose to wait do they? Because let's face it, everything OP says is true.

Travelling in your mid 30s is worlds apart from the experience you get in your 20s though

I know. That’s why I never wanted to do it until I could do it in comfort.

Well this is Mumsnet after all, it’s literally about the different challenges of parenting 😂

Same here, backpacking and hostels and being on a tight budget never appealed to me in any way. I love travelling but not that sort of travelling! I have friends who have done it and love it though.

I had mine in my 20s and my brother has his in his 40s. I don’t either of us would swap tbh. Just personal preference! When I look back i think 24 was insanely young but it didn’t feel it then! I’m early 40s now with an adult child and a teen and perimenopause and its no fun either.

This is so sad I’m sorry. I lost my dad a few years ago and mum is nearly 80. I’m terrified of being an orphan.

We did all that after leaving school for uni until we had our first child at 26. We don't feel we missed out on that stage one single bit. We repeated it all in our mid 40s when they left for uni,well apart from the wilder bits 😅

This, though I know you said it was light hearted. I turn 45 this year and I’d love just one (and will be pursuing adoption as it becomes clearer it’s just not going to happen). I was adopted myself and had older parents, but I wouldn’t have changed a thing.

Wonderful. You sound like you'll make a brilliant mum 😁

I’m from the generation of women who were told to get our careers sorted and not to get pregnant young as it would ruin our lives. I think the advice came from a good place but it was bad advice. I had a massive wobble aged 42 thinking I might try for a baby. Thank Christ I didn’t. Menopause is killing me work is full on. I will always regret missing out on a HUGE life experience of looking into the eyes of your own child though.

There are way worse things than older parents. I personally think it's wrong to bring a child into the world that you can't provide financially for. My DH is 70 and has just lost his mother who had her kids when she was 18-20. My DH and his siblings were too old themselves to care for their infirm mother towards the end - it was a stress that they all felt too old to handle. My own parents died when we were younger and we coped ok really although the circumstances were terrible. So there can be downsides to anything. It's the luck of the draw. Being an older mother myself, and a single one, I never regretted it for a single moment but perhaps because I'd had 9 miscarriages on my way to having him, so that teaches you to be properly grateful.

I think having babies in your mid thirties is the sweet spot, career established, relationship long term, financially stable, on the property ladder, grandparents still young though to play an active role (not necessarily for childcare), still young enough that they'll be adults by your mid 50s and you get your life back to some extent. You've also had 18-35 to do what you like.

Well rather than being a site about the challenges of parenthood it’s a judgemental site with a significant number of nasty judgy folk.. who delight in pulling people down rather than providing support during the challenges of parenthood! But I guess that’s what people mean when they refer to peak mumsnet these days!