DS not home and uncontacable

[lurchersforever]

I am starting to really panic. He is 18 and went to the pub at around 10 - I dropped him off to one further away than he usually goes to to meet friends. He doesn't drink or drive. When he goes into town he's out until around 4 and I (sort of) go to sleep, but at the pub he would be back by now but he's not.

There's a fault with his phone which means it doesn't connect or send calls and we haven't got round to fixing it, which is stupid. It goes straight to voicemail and I assume messages aren't getting through, even though they seem to. Whatsapp is one tick but the whatsapp call rings but he's not answering.

Where the fuck is he? It's not like him to be unreliable but I just can't work out where he'd be at this time.

This was my most sleepless period after newborn!

They naturally stay out late, technically adults, but you just can’t sleep til they are in.

The chances of anything happening are so tiny and we do have to let them go. Mine always used to stick together with friends and knew that was the rule: never abandon your mates / go off alone. So in the end I used to say will it be a late one? And if so, go to bed.

Pubs get late licences, can stay open til 1 or whatever.

If someone lives in your house, whether 18 or 80, it is courteous to let people know if they will be home much later than usually expected surely. It's natural to worry a bit and then you can't sleep but a simple text solves all that.also bad things do happen to people do being aware rather than oblivious is quite sensible.

I'm not exaggerating anything.

You started panicing an hour past the time he said he would be back, when you've already said his phone is broken?

All I'm saying is that is not healthy for anyone. Your son should be allowed to go out without having to constantly update his mum. Likewise, you shouldn't be getting worked up because an adult is out of contact for a few hours, to the point of being angry, panicing, driving around looking for him and contacting his mates.

It's totally normal to worry. I have an 18 year old and I worry a lot about him.

I wouldn't however be driving around or contacting his friends if he came home an hour late. Especially if I knew there was a problem with his phone.

Don't twist what I said...

You mentioned that he stays at his dad’s and when he’s there, you don’t expect constant updates…
Why do you think he’s more unsafe when he’s staying at your house?

I completely agree .
It's when the behaviour is unusual that you get worried about them.

Well all that really proves is that it isn't normal for you but your mindset isn't necessarily the default one and only for normality. It really, really isn't a normal to diagnose someone you have never met online with a mental health condition. Indeed, it is abnormal to find this amusing and entertaining.

Do you think it is normal to gaslight people online with silly remarks like that?

Parents have always worried. However, controlling one's emotions in worrying about the welfare of adult children has gone out the window for too many nowadays parents.
The social results are stark. Anxiety, being coddled to impotence and non agency, parents having so little self awareness that they think it is perfectly normal to go into job interviews with their children, complain to bosses when their late teen/ adult children are reprimanded at work/ fuck up at uni.
This is one of the reasons why so many of the younger seek refuge in Black and White thinking and extremism of all types. Thinking and unpickng as a reflexive sign of intelligence has been educated out of them by well intentioned, toxically caring bad parenting.

Ask the teachers and work managers about the anger and wrong and strongness of many "well" brought up that they have to teach and manage.

They cannot take their rage out on the (usually)" doting"mothers that they want to, so others receive it.

Too many parents mistake worrying for being an affectionate parent.
A good parent will never stop being affectionate.

A good parent will learn to keep worry to themselves in order to foster true independence and self trust and realisation their children.

This is why having a child who rebels is usually a sign that a parent has at least given a child mental room to find themselves.

Even though it may not feel so great at the time.
I couldn't even handle teachers trying to hover , seeing if I could put the theory into practice. I was one of those "If I have a problem, I'll raise my hand" types.

Much less a parent driving around because I dared to be uncontactable and late for and by a few hours at the age of 18.
My generation seemed to be the last to know that living at home as an adult could result in at least one parent refusing to adjust to being a parent of an adult.

And was a cultural impetus to leave home by age 18 , no matter the sacrifice and sufferation. Being independent in and of itself, financial burdens, pitfalls and all was the almighty pay off in and of itself!

Pardon me?
It was a perfectly reasonable question and you need to unclench and look up the meaning of “gaslighting”.

Not sure why you are responding to me, I said it was totally normal to worry.

Goodness, at 18 I had moved out. My parents wouldn't know what I was doing unless I specifically told them. I get its different now but as an adult you come and go as you please really.

People mature at different rate. Shocking to think that not everyone is exactly like you isn't it?

I was thinking the same.

I sometimes wonder if the ability to contact people anywhere, any time has caused an increase in anxiety. I'd often stay at my boyfriend's or at friends' places on the spur of the moment, and most of my friends did similar.

It wasn't at all uncommon for friends' mums to get up on a Saturday or Sunday morning and find dishevelled teens littering the house. (We never ended up at mine, because I lived a long way out of town.)

@lurchersforever people criticising you are missing the point. I get it. Ds1 went out at Christmas time a couple of years ago. He hasn't lived at home since uni. Buy he always replies when he's been out so I know he's home. Puts my mind at rest. This time no reply. No ticks. It was a mumsnetter who suggested emailing him. He emailed back apologising that he'd got really drunk and lost his phone. He'd ordered a new one.
I got lots of stick too but a lot understood as it was unusual for him not to reply. Different if your dcs rarely bother.

OP I would have done exactly the same as you. It’s not much different to how I was brought up. It’s just courteous to let the people you live with know what you’re doing and when you’ll be home.

The responses on this thread are bizarre

I know and it's a strange one. When my daughter gets home after a visit, she messages to say so. The rest of the time, I have no idea where she is or even if safe.
Phones have made us jumpy. My parents had no idea where I was but also knew I wouldn't have for instance, got into a friend's car who'd been drinking, as I didn't drink either.
Your son has that advantage of not being a drinker where all normal sense goes out the window.

I’m with you OP, it amazes me how some parents manage to cut off caring about their children when they reach 18. To me it’s just human nature to continue caring about your offspring whatever their age.
You’re a lovely loving Mum and it sounds as if your son realises that and respects you in return, to me that’s a perfect relationship.

PS. I have one son turned forty and one almost fifty, I have a brilliant relationship with them both. You can never care too much about your family, it’s definitely worked for me 😊

My MIL still worries and some of hers are over 60!

No, the black and white thinking is a by product of the cultural neuroses that plagues our society. People feverishly posting their hate for someone and their actions they have never met online as they are not excited by debating current affairs or politics that are the foundations of a democracy, they'd rather accuse people of having a mental health condition.

Oh I am so shocked. Having to sit down amd fan myself. Lord help me because I am shocked other people are not like me😂

@EasyTouch (at 11.10.) What on EARTH are you going on about?

This thread is as divided as the ones about 14 year olds hanging about in the park until 9/10 o'clock at night.

I wonder if there's a correlation between the views of each side of the arguments.

Sorry but he's 18 and doesn't need to tell his mum where he is, how embarrassing for him