DS not home and uncontacable

[lurchersforever]

I am starting to really panic. He is 18 and went to the pub at around 10 - I dropped him off to one further away than he usually goes to to meet friends. He doesn't drink or drive. When he goes into town he's out until around 4 and I (sort of) go to sleep, but at the pub he would be back by now but he's not.

There's a fault with his phone which means it doesn't connect or send calls and we haven't got round to fixing it, which is stupid. It goes straight to voicemail and I assume messages aren't getting through, even though they seem to. Whatsapp is one tick but the whatsapp call rings but he's not answering.

Where the fuck is he? It's not like him to be unreliable but I just can't work out where he'd be at this time.

All's well that ends well. I don't think OP needs this level of berating. I doubt she has ruined her relationship with her son.

Obviously not.

But... the OP stated that they were angry and panicing about their 18 year old being out of contact for one hour, to the extent they started texting his friends and driving around looking for him.

That's not rational and it's deeply unfair to push that level of irrationality and, frankly, control-freakery onto a young adult who should have the freedom to go out with his mates without his mum constantly looking over his shoulder.

A husband and wife scenario is different because you wouldn’t worry about an adult who was 30+ who was acting out of character and not contactable probably for a good several hours (although it’s still basic courtesy for them to text to say they’re staying out later than planned) but with someone much younger you would worry about them much sooner.

And OP obviously didn’t just text once and then start panicking.
He wasn’t home at the time he said, so she waited and heard nothing and then couldn’t get hold of him.

The actual time is irrelevant whether it’s 1am or 7am.
She said he regularly goes out until 4am.
Its the fact that he said he’d be back at a certain time and wasn’t which is completely out of character for him and what worried OP.
Which you and the other poster can’t seem to comprehend.

Yes we do - and it’s hardly dramatics to be worried about your child (albeit a 18 year old one) who’s not home when they said they would be.

It’s not the worry that is over dramatic it’s the ringing friends and going out in a car to look for him. That’s not where my mind would go to straight away. Especially with a broken phone.

It doesn’t mean you don’t care for your children if you don’t go in to a blind panic if they’re an hour or so late home at 18.

Yes it’s not rational. I think we can point that out without being accused of being parents that don’t care about our children. Just because we would behave in a more rational way.

Your earlier post suggested that you believe that we all parent differently - so there’s absolutely no need to accuse others of not behaving rationally because they react differently.

I wouldnt drive around. i might have texted friends if he got any later.

Agree with you Delatron. Also resent the implication that if you are notan anxious parent needing reassurance from the teen that means you don’t care and are a neglectful crap parent who wipes her hands of any offspring that are 18 plus.

You can’t win though I have been roundly criticised on here for tracking my younger Dd when she was 14-16 and a party girl with a tendency to roam!

This.
I mean, I thought I was an anxious parent as I would be worried in this instance - but driving around and texting his friends when I knew his phone was broken?
At least not until the next morning.
Not a problem at all that the OP did this, it's her son and she was worried, but I am quite astonished that based on this thread, this seems to be the expected behaviour in the situation.

If my 18 year old was late home, had a 45 minute walk from the pub, had a broken phone so couldn’t call anyone if something had gone wrong, wasn’t responding to his SM, and was in the habit of phoning when his plans changed then I would be very worried.

Of course you don’t stop worrying.

There’s nothing wrong with worrying. Everyone worries about their loved ones.

It’s the fact she was out driving the streets at 2am (which isn’t even late) searching for him when the most likely scenario is that he was at a friends house or in another open pub.

Madness.

Also it depends on the person? DS is very responsible so not hearing would do my head in. DD is a scatterbrain.

Also young men are sometimes in more danger in parts of London.

DS is off travelling shortly for the first time on a v last minute trip. Not sure what is reasonable. He's going to Thailand.
A check in daily or no?

Well done OP for being a good parent!

We live in an age where being in touch- being connect to the world 24/7 is a thing, with the smart phone technology we expect people to respond fairly quickly regardless their age. And when they disappear offline, we worry about them, regardless their age. It’s human nature.

Exactly - and it’s all relative. When I was a a teenager /early 20s in the 80s we didn’t have mobiles obv, but we still kept in touch with our parents more than they or our grandparents kept in touch with theirs when they were apart - as technology has developed so has the norm for staying in contact.

Ha well dd1 just got in as an issue with our new lock 🙄. You can see from the timing of this post why we terrible neglectful parents don’t flipping wait up for her!

I bet this would be a very different thread if a teen living at home didn't come home and something awful happened, and the parents had known they weren't back when they said they would be but had stayed tucked up in bed and not tried to track them down.

I think the main take that has come out of this thread is that we all know our own children better than random posters do. So the "you are being ridiculous" posters have DC who are either younger or older or live somewhere where public transport/taxis are plentiful or have DC who don't touch base every time they go out so it is the norm for them and they don't worry.

I don't stress about what DD does while she is away at university in a city with plentiful public transport and Ubers. If she is home and meets up with friends in town she messages me for a lift, and if I hadn't heard from her then, yes, I would worry. The last train back to our village leaves at 11 and is often cancelled. The last bus leaves at the same time and is also often cancelled. Taxis aren't plentiful and while there are Ubers in town they often won't come out this far because they won't get a return fare.

So it all depends on personal circumstances and what the norm is for your own children.

We live in a safe small city and uber is definitely our friend! Such a brilliant thing costs a couple of quid each for girls to get to ours from clubs. Rural friends often appear in the morning having stayed over…

Except, he was fine. And this “out of character behaviour” is actually, exactly what he did.

Yes, he was fine, but until the OP knew he was fine she didn't know that he would be 🤷‍♂️

As I said, she knows her own son better than you do.

She didn’t know until she knew but she knows…
Ok 😂