DS not home and uncontacable

[lurchersforever]

I am starting to really panic. He is 18 and went to the pub at around 10 - I dropped him off to one further away than he usually goes to to meet friends. He doesn't drink or drive. When he goes into town he's out until around 4 and I (sort of) go to sleep, but at the pub he would be back by now but he's not.

There's a fault with his phone which means it doesn't connect or send calls and we haven't got round to fixing it, which is stupid. It goes straight to voicemail and I assume messages aren't getting through, even though they seem to. Whatsapp is one tick but the whatsapp call rings but he's not answering.

Where the fuck is he? It's not like him to be unreliable but I just can't work out where he'd be at this time.

But OP wasn’t talking about constant updates. Just one to say they’d be later than normal.
I don’t think it’s much to ask
Most mumsnetters on here expect the same from their dhs if they go awol.
It’s common courtesy because people worry about their loved ones if something uncharacteristic happens

so? Why is living with his mum a reason for him staying out to be of more risk?

Gosh you are splitting hairs. You know full well that 18 is the age to leave school and start uni.
Whether they do or not is individual but let’s not pretend it doesn’t happen.

We’re talking about risk of harm.

If you’re not worried about him coming to harm in Spain or when he is staying at his dad’s, it’s illogical to be worried about him coming to harm when he’s staying at his mum’s house.

It makes people feel good/superior to keep saying I wanted 'constant updates.' I did not. One text - I'm going to be a couple of hours later mum, we're having a drive - and I would have been happy. Words have meanings and I have never required updates when ds is out, only if plans change.

I have a 20-yr-old son living with.me and he always tells me if he is going to be home late or staying over at a friend's. It's common courtesy with us.

There’s nothing logical about any of this posts. And no accurate perception of risk either.

My eldest was the one who promoted the 360 tracker app, I work in privacy and info security and was totally dubious about it but he was adamant and he wanted us all to have it! Sometimes I don't see him for days as he is with his girlfriend but he lets me know he's going to stay there. Or out with friends, he doesn't have any issues functioning in the adult world, he doesn't really involve us with much. So the poster banging on about infantilisation of young adults doesn't resonate with me at all. My son manages his revision, his studies, his personal statement to UCAS, his application for a provisional licence, his application for a summer course in Europe, we find out after the action has been taken!

@Delatron and @TENSsion

When he goes into town he's out until around 4 and I (sort of) go to sleep, but at the pub he would be back by now but he's not.
It's not like him to be unreliable

Please read and understand these two sentences from the OP ^^

Yes but you said his phone was broken. Or it might have been out of charge. This is the issue with wanting these updates.

You don’t get the update (for a perfectly reasonable reason). And you panic for hours and drive around looking for him and call all his friends.

Exactly.
We are all entitled to a little respect and understanding.

Yes, but uni isn't leaving home really is it? The majority will be back for holidays and living with people of their own age who will be in the same boat and hopefully all looking out for each other. The fact that they go to uni at 18 has precisely no bearing on this debate. You listed 3 things that apparently 18 year olds do that mean parents are unreasonable to worry about them. I disagree about their significance.

I read them. I would have assumed his phone was broken (as it was), he was out of charge. Lost track of time, gone to a friends. All those things before driving around at 1.30am.

He’s 18 and it was 1am!
It was a complete over reaction.

Think about it. If she can sleep when he’s in Spain, or out but staying at his dad’s, she needs to use that same rational part of her brain to allow him to live his life when he is sleeping at her house.

The point is that it was out of character for her son not to drop her a message. Of course she's going to worry under those circumstances and has acknowledged the difference between that and for example him being away on holiday where it wouldn't be expected. People will argue about anything on here and it's fucking tiresome.

You can worry about them but you do need to keep a sense of perspective.

Uni is leaving home! They may be back for holidays but most of the time the parent doesn’t have a clue where the child is.

But how was she to know that something hadn't happened to him when this was completely out of the norm for him? Why are you struggling to understand this?

If he was in the habit of staying out late with no contact then the OP wouldn't have worried, but he doesn't usually do this. He usually lets her know he is going to be late and this time he didn't. This is the point you keep missing.

A point that Delatron and TENSsion keep missing.

Not aimed at the op really but I do think as a society the way we have developed is unhealthy - we are fed terrible information about the rare cases where the worst happens then have the means to track / be in constant contact with each other. It’s a toxic mix.

I think it’s sad that young people’s freedoms are curtailed. Something is lost. I have happy memories of being 18 and really free for the first time - hanging out with friends evenings went on and on suddenly it was 3am. We weren’t up to anything or in any danger.

I have made an effort not to be like this with dd1 now also 18. She is sensible has lovely friends and we live in a safe place. I want her to have what I had in 1993 without having to deal with me as a mother going mad at home because she’s not home on the dot or messaging me all the time. Plus she works in a restaurant and goes out with the other staff after work so is often really late. If I “didn’t sleep until she got home” I would be dead with tiredness.

I’m guessing this is the difference ( in most but not all cases ) of Mumsnetters on here who have older children and those who don’t.
When you do, you know it’s impossible to not still worry

I’ve not missed the point. If my DS didn’t reply to a text I would assume phone broken or out of charge. I would not start messaging his friends and driving around looking for him in the middle of the night if he was 18.

Some of us appear to be more rational than others.

That is you and your son though.

The inability to acknowledge that people are different, children are different, and parents have different relationships with their children, sometimes even their own multiple children, is by far the strangest thing about Mumsnet.

It’s the most rational explanation though for anybody’s DS. Not that they’ve had an accident.

The phone being out of charge, or broken, or they’ve lost track of time. That’s where most people’s minds would go to first.

I don't think you are being dramatic OP. You know your child. I am the same x