Page 10 | DS not home and uncontacable

lurchersforever · 2025-05-30T00:30:27+00:00

I am starting to really panic. He is 18 and went to the pub at around 10 - I dropped him off to one further away than he usually goes to to meet friends. He doesn't drink or drive. When he goes into town he's out until around 4 and I (sort of) go to sleep, but at the pub he would be back by now but he's not. There's a fault with his phone which means it doesn't connect or send calls and we haven't got round to fixing it, which is stupid. It goes straight to voicemail and I assume messages aren't getting through, even though they seem to. Whatsapp is one tick but the whatsapp call rings but he's not answering. Where the fuck is he? It's not like him to be unreliable but I just can't work out where he'd be at this time.

Moonlightexpress · 30/05/2025 11:38

Op don't justify yourself. Its your son of course you're worried. Any normal person would be. Lots of weirdos on here you must know that by now. Get the phone fixed or get a new one today lol.

RedRaspberryPie · 30/05/2025 11:43

Moonlightexpress · 30/05/2025 11:38

Op don't justify yourself. Its your son of course you're worried. Any normal person would be. Lots of weirdos on here you must know that by now. Get the phone fixed or get a new one today lol.

What isnt normal is OP being very cross, makes me think she would lose her temper over it, which is not ok. Worry is normal, but at eighteen you don't get to be very angry with them for not sharing all their plans, it's controlling.

Delatron · 30/05/2025 11:49

EasyTouch · 30/05/2025 11:10

Parents have always worried. However, controlling one's emotions in worrying about the welfare of adult children has gone out the window for too many nowadays parents.
The social results are stark. Anxiety, being coddled to impotence and non agency, parents having so little self awareness that they think it is perfectly normal to go into job interviews with their children, complain to bosses when their late teen/ adult children are reprimanded at work/ fuck up at uni.
This is one of the reasons why so many of the younger seek refuge in Black and White thinking and extremism of all types. Thinking and unpickng as a reflexive sign of intelligence has been educated out of them by well intentioned, toxically caring bad parenting.

Ask the teachers and work managers about the anger and wrong and strongness of many "well" brought up that they have to teach and manage.

They cannot take their rage out on the (usually)" doting"mothers that they want to, so others receive it.

Too many parents mistake worrying for being an affectionate parent.
A good parent will never stop being affectionate.

A good parent will learn to keep worry to themselves in order to foster true independence and self trust and realisation their children.

This is why having a child who rebels is usually a sign that a parent has at least given a child mental room to find themselves.

Even though it may not feel so great at the time.
I couldn't even handle teachers trying to hover , seeing if I could put the theory into practice. I was one of those "If I have a problem, I'll raise my hand" types.

Much less a parent driving around because I dared to be uncontactable and late for and by a few hours at the age of 18.
My generation seemed to be the last to know that living at home as an adult could result in at least one parent refusing to adjust to being a parent of an adult.

And was a cultural impetus to leave home by age 18 , no matter the sacrifice and sufferation. Being independent in and of itself, financial burdens, pitfalls and all was the almighty pay off in and of itself!

This is an excellent post.

Delatron · 30/05/2025 11:53

LakieLady · 30/05/2025 11:18

I was thinking the same.

I sometimes wonder if the ability to contact people anywhere, any time has caused an increase in anxiety. I'd often stay at my boyfriend's or at friends' places on the spur of the moment, and most of my friends did similar.

It wasn't at all uncommon for friends' mums to get up on a Saturday or Sunday morning and find dishevelled teens littering the house. (We never ended up at mine, because I lived a long way out of town.)

Show quote history

Being contactable and potentially tracked at all times I think has definitely increased anxiety. Especially amongst parents. We have seen it on this thread ‘can’t get hold of him’, not replying to texts. Can’t see the location etc etc.

We would often stay at each others houses or boyfriends at 17. At 18 I was away at Uni.

It’s this expectation of constant contact and updates that is causing all these issues.

Cucy · 30/05/2025 11:57

OP I would take the opinions of many MNers with a pinch of salt.

There are many that would admit to having a tracker on theirs and their partners phone but yet call you extreme for worrying about your 18yo acting out of character and worrying about your own child.

You obviously don’t have a tracker on your child’s phone (and hopefully not your partners either) which makes you much less controlling than half of the posters on here.

As PPs have said, even a grown adult should have the courtesy of sending a quick text to their wife if they’re planning on staying out later than originally intended.

Well done you for giving a shit about your kid.

Original poster

lurchersforever · 30/05/2025 12:20

Delatron · 30/05/2025 11:49

This is an excellent post.

Show quote history

It really isn't. Largely irrelevant to the topic of the thread and incomprehensible in places. As a teacher, I've no idea what this in particular even means:

Ask the teachers and work managers about the anger and wrong and strongness of many "well" brought up that they have to teach and manage.

As for My generation seemed to be the last to know that living at home as an adult could result in at least one parent refusing to adjust to being a parent of an adult. I don't know how old you are, but I'm nearly 50 and it was not my experience even when I was 18 that everyone immediately left home at 18 no matter the 'sufferation.' Some did, but many waited and saved or went to uni and bounced back and fore a bit before leaving, a bit like now but probably over a shorter period. Now it's not about what people do and don't understand about parents adjusting and more about what people can, and mainly can't, afford.

I also don't agree that a 'good parent' has to keep all worries to themselves. Constantly telling your child how worried you are about them and how scary the world is is bad parenting yes, but telling them you worry if they are late and can they please just send you a message is just teaching them to be considerate human beings.

I've certainly not coddled my children or complained to school about their treatment or anything like that. I don't see what the relationship is between that and expecting them to keep me informed briefly if their plans change when out. Two different things. And, anecdotally, as a teacher, I have a sense that it's often the parents who are overly permissive and set few boundaries who are the ones who then leap to the child's defence when they fuck up at school. Perhaps they are projecting their own suppressed guilt about their shoddy parenting onto the teachers and trying to make it up to their child by constantly 'having their back,' when it isn't warranted. Or perhaps not, I don't know. But caring about your child and not cutting them loose the second they turn 18 does not automatically mean you are a toxically over-involved parent, I do know that.

OP posts:

RampantIvy · 30/05/2025 12:22

People are still missing the point that this was out of character for the son.

RampantIvy · 30/05/2025 12:25

But caring about your child and not cutting them loose the second they turn 18 does not automatically mean you are a toxically over-involved parent, I do know that.

I agree.

Delatron · 30/05/2025 12:31

lurchersforever · 30/05/2025 12:20

It really isn't. Largely irrelevant to the topic of the thread and incomprehensible in places. As a teacher, I've no idea what this in particular even means:

Ask the teachers and work managers about the anger and wrong and strongness of many "well" brought up that they have to teach and manage.

As for My generation seemed to be the last to know that living at home as an adult could result in at least one parent refusing to adjust to being a parent of an adult. I don't know how old you are, but I'm nearly 50 and it was not my experience even when I was 18 that everyone immediately left home at 18 no matter the 'sufferation.' Some did, but many waited and saved or went to uni and bounced back and fore a bit before leaving, a bit like now but probably over a shorter period. Now it's not about what people do and don't understand about parents adjusting and more about what people can, and mainly can't, afford.

I also don't agree that a 'good parent' has to keep all worries to themselves. Constantly telling your child how worried you are about them and how scary the world is is bad parenting yes, but telling them you worry if they are late and can they please just send you a message is just teaching them to be considerate human beings.

I've certainly not coddled my children or complained to school about their treatment or anything like that. I don't see what the relationship is between that and expecting them to keep me informed briefly if their plans change when out. Two different things. And, anecdotally, as a teacher, I have a sense that it's often the parents who are overly permissive and set few boundaries who are the ones who then leap to the child's defence when they fuck up at school. Perhaps they are projecting their own suppressed guilt about their shoddy parenting onto the teachers and trying to make it up to their child by constantly 'having their back,' when it isn't warranted. Or perhaps not, I don't know. But caring about your child and not cutting them loose the second they turn 18 does not automatically mean you are a toxically over-involved parent, I do know that.

Show quote history

How will they fuck up at school when they have left school? We are talking about adults here. Yes in my circle (aged 49) we all went off to uni at 18. I called my Mum once a week.
How I treat my 16 year old who is at school (who does not fuck up) is very different to how I will treat him at 18.

It’s this ridiculous mollycoddling that is producing adults who have can’t even look after themselves and have no street sense. Cut the apron strings. Let them be adults.

VaccineSticker · 30/05/2025 12:35

Losing the ability to care or worry about a loved one’s safety once they turn 18 is against human nature.

BlackeyedSusan · 30/05/2025 12:37

They do not realise that they scare the shit out of you!

Yes he is an adult, but still young and not fully mature and you do worry about them.

RampantIvy · 30/05/2025 12:40

Delatron · 30/05/2025 12:31

How will they fuck up at school when they have left school? We are talking about adults here. Yes in my circle (aged 49) we all went off to uni at 18. I called my Mum once a week.
How I treat my 16 year old who is at school (who does not fuck up) is very different to how I will treat him at 18.

It’s this ridiculous mollycoddling that is producing adults who have can’t even look after themselves and have no street sense. Cut the apron strings. Let them be adults.

Show quote history

Worrying about your child who has uncharacteristically gone AWOL is not mollycoddling them - a point you are deliberately missing.

If it was a regular thing then the OP wouldn't worry, but as a one off it is natural to think that something has happened. Any caring parent would understand that.

Even when your DC are fully grown adults you worry about them.

Youagain2025 · 30/05/2025 12:41

lurchersforever · 30/05/2025 12:20

It really isn't. Largely irrelevant to the topic of the thread and incomprehensible in places. As a teacher, I've no idea what this in particular even means:

Ask the teachers and work managers about the anger and wrong and strongness of many "well" brought up that they have to teach and manage.

As for My generation seemed to be the last to know that living at home as an adult could result in at least one parent refusing to adjust to being a parent of an adult. I don't know how old you are, but I'm nearly 50 and it was not my experience even when I was 18 that everyone immediately left home at 18 no matter the 'sufferation.' Some did, but many waited and saved or went to uni and bounced back and fore a bit before leaving, a bit like now but probably over a shorter period. Now it's not about what people do and don't understand about parents adjusting and more about what people can, and mainly can't, afford.

I also don't agree that a 'good parent' has to keep all worries to themselves. Constantly telling your child how worried you are about them and how scary the world is is bad parenting yes, but telling them you worry if they are late and can they please just send you a message is just teaching them to be considerate human beings.

I've certainly not coddled my children or complained to school about their treatment or anything like that. I don't see what the relationship is between that and expecting them to keep me informed briefly if their plans change when out. Two different things. And, anecdotally, as a teacher, I have a sense that it's often the parents who are overly permissive and set few boundaries who are the ones who then leap to the child's defence when they fuck up at school. Perhaps they are projecting their own suppressed guilt about their shoddy parenting onto the teachers and trying to make it up to their child by constantly 'having their back,' when it isn't warranted. Or perhaps not, I don't know. But caring about your child and not cutting them loose the second they turn 18 does not automatically mean you are a toxically over-involved parent, I do know that.

Show quote history

@lurchersforever if you had made a thread saying my 18 year old was out last night . He's normally in contact but he wasnt . I woke up this morning to find out hes in hospital you would have posters telling you how back you are for not trying harder to contact him.

TheBroonOneAndTheWhiteOne · 30/05/2025 12:42

VaccineSticker · 30/05/2025 12:35

Losing the ability to care or worry about a loved one’s safety once they turn 18 is against human nature.

Absolutely true.

Original poster

lurchersforever · 30/05/2025 12:43

@Delatron Well, I was responding the post you said was excellent which seemed to be drawing some correlation between worrying about your kids and being demanding of teachers/them 'raging' at school. I agree it was quite hard to follow (though you said it was excellent...) but teachers were mentioned a couple of times, hence my comment. I don't think it tends to be the strict parents who give teachers a hard time, that's all.

You may treat your 16 year old very differently once he turns 18 - bit odd, but it's up to you. However, if he remains at 6th form (appreciate he may not) you will find they treat him exactly the same in both YRs 12 and 13. Your consent will be required if they take him on a trip, you will be invited to parents' evenings and, if he does fuck up, you will almost certainly be informed. It'll be different if/when he goes to uni, of course, but that is a whole different stage, while turning 18, in and of itself, is not. It's just a number. Yes, legally he'll be an adult, but most people don't suddenly teat their kids differently due to a number but slowly but surely loosen the ties as they progress through the years. That is what I have done, broadly speaking, though last night may have been a step back according to some.

OP posts:

TENSsion · 30/05/2025 12:46

Blueskiesandrainbows · 30/05/2025 11:22

I’m with you OP, it amazes me how some parents manage to cut off caring about their children when they reach 18. To me it’s just human nature to continue caring about your offspring whatever their age.
You’re a lovely loving Mum and it sounds as if your son realises that and respects you in return, to me that’s a perfect relationship.

PS. I have one son turned forty and one almost fifty, I have a brilliant relationship with them both. You can never care too much about your family, it’s definitely worked for me 😊

Edited

They don’t cut off caring.
They just don’t make their own insecurities their children’s problem.

Delatron · 30/05/2025 12:46

lurchersforever · 30/05/2025 12:43

@Delatron Well, I was responding the post you said was excellent which seemed to be drawing some correlation between worrying about your kids and being demanding of teachers/them 'raging' at school. I agree it was quite hard to follow (though you said it was excellent...) but teachers were mentioned a couple of times, hence my comment. I don't think it tends to be the strict parents who give teachers a hard time, that's all.

You may treat your 16 year old very differently once he turns 18 - bit odd, but it's up to you. However, if he remains at 6th form (appreciate he may not) you will find they treat him exactly the same in both YRs 12 and 13. Your consent will be required if they take him on a trip, you will be invited to parents' evenings and, if he does fuck up, you will almost certainly be informed. It'll be different if/when he goes to uni, of course, but that is a whole different stage, while turning 18, in and of itself, is not. It's just a number. Yes, legally he'll be an adult, but most people don't suddenly teat their kids differently due to a number but slowly but surely loosen the ties as they progress through the years. That is what I have done, broadly speaking, though last night may have been a step back according to some.

Why is it odd to treat an 18 year old differently to a 16 year old? 18 year olds are adults. They can drink. They can drive. They may have left home.

He will be leaving 6th form when he is 18 and he will be starting uni away from home. So no I won’t be driving round the streets looking for him if he doesn’t reply to my text at 1am…. But clearly we all parent differently.

Delatron · 30/05/2025 12:47

TENSsion · 30/05/2025 12:46

They don’t cut off caring.
They just don’t make their own insecurities their children’s problem.

Show quote history

Yep..

TENSsion · 30/05/2025 12:49

VaccineSticker · 30/05/2025 12:35

Losing the ability to care or worry about a loved one’s safety once they turn 18 is against human nature.

Do you contact your parents if you’re out for the night?
Have they lost the ability to care or worry about you?

Get some perspective.

Your anxieties are your problem. Not your adult children’s

Goldenbear · 30/05/2025 12:51

TENSsion · 30/05/2025 12:49

Do you contact your parents if you’re out for the night?
Have they lost the ability to care or worry about you?

Get some perspective.

Your anxieties are your problem. Not your adult children’s

Show quote history

What a ridiculous comparison, the OP's kid is 18 and living at home.

Original poster

lurchersforever · 30/05/2025 12:53

18 year olds are adults. They can drink. They can drive. They may have left home. Most kids who drink start it before they are 18. 17 year olds can drive. No 18 year old still at 6th form is likely to leave home. How would they manage that? If either of my kids did leave home at 18 (not to uni, that's entirely different) I would be saddened and would definitely worry about them. Not think oh well, they're an adult. What a depressing outcome to 18 years of parenting that would almost certainly be.

OP posts:

Stirabout · 30/05/2025 12:53

Parents worry about their children whatever their age.
Its called being a parent and doesn’t mean we can’t let go. It just means we care and love them and when something uncharacteristic happens we can’t help but worry.
Just because a son or daughter celebrates another birthday and becomes legally adult does not mean we can suddenly stop worrying about their well-being.

When they are at Uni OP you will probably find you are still thinking and concerned for their well-being…of course you will. You are their mum. It is more difficult though when they are living at home and you did the right thing driving around to see if you could find them. For all you know they could have been hurt and lying in a gutter.

So happy they are now safe and sound and perhaps they need a new or fixed phone so that they can let you know if they are going to be late. It’s just common courtesy that we would expect from our partners as well.

Delatron · 30/05/2025 12:53

Goldenbear · 30/05/2025 12:51

What a ridiculous comparison, the OP's kid is 18 and living at home.

Show quote history

It’s not a ridiculous comment. You can care about your adult children without needing constant updates on their night out about their whereabouts.

This has only happened with the advent of mobile phones. It causes all sorts of problems as we can see here. Phones run out of battery, you can lose reception etc.

Goldenbear · 30/05/2025 12:54

TENSsion · 30/05/2025 12:46

They don’t cut off caring.
They just don’t make their own insecurities their children’s problem.

Show quote history

What are the, 'insecurities' in this scenario? Here we go again with the pseudo psychology!

RampantIvy · 30/05/2025 12:57

My goodness, there are some hard hearted parents on here.

DD is 24 and a very independent adult. She has been to university for her undergraduate degree, then worked and lived independently after qualifying yet I have never tracked her phone nor do I expect regular daily contact from her (she is away at a different university now doing a masters), but I still worry about her if she gives me cause to worry.

Just because your offspring reach adulthood doesn't mean you never, ever worry about them again.

And I will repeat yet again - the point the horrible posters are missing is that the lad's behaviour was uncharacteristic, therefore @lurchersforever was worried.