DS not home and uncontacable

[lurchersforever]

I am starting to really panic. He is 18 and went to the pub at around 10 - I dropped him off to one further away than he usually goes to to meet friends. He doesn't drink or drive. When he goes into town he's out until around 4 and I (sort of) go to sleep, but at the pub he would be back by now but he's not.

There's a fault with his phone which means it doesn't connect or send calls and we haven't got round to fixing it, which is stupid. It goes straight to voicemail and I assume messages aren't getting through, even though they seem to. Whatsapp is one tick but the whatsapp call rings but he's not answering.

Where the fuck is he? It's not like him to be unreliable but I just can't work out where he'd be at this time.

I know he's now home, but going forward you both need to realise he's an adult. My 18yo wouldn't need to check in with me and would be mortified to find I'd gone and looked for them or was contacting their friends.
For example, they might make a decision to go to a midnight showing of a film an hour away (they drive but don't drink). They wouldn't wake me to tell me.
Later this year my 18yo will move to a large city for university. Unless I track their phone every night they could be in this situation all the time and I'd never know.
It's difficult letting go (my current 18yo is DC3 to reach adulthood), but at some point you need to.
I lost my DB aged 19 while he was out with a friend one night. Knowing where he was wouldn't have changed anything. I tried my hardest to educate DC and had to trust their judgements once they reached adulthood, for my own sanity as much as theirs.

Just because your child hits 18 doesn’t mean you stop worrying. My children are all adult and live away from home and I still always sleep with one eye and ear open until I hear the door go, if they are visiting and out on the town.
Believe me those of us that worry do not do so by choice, we can’t just turn off our anxieties. Well done you if you can just turn over and go to sleep, not everyone can.

of course it is worrying, whatever his age
just because he is 18 doesnt magically make the worry go away, that doesnt go away until they leave home!

Yes we all have thoughts of worry around our children but there has to have a line drawn and to me calling their friends to check up them crosses it, no matter how it can be 'justified' and I would have been telling my parents if they tried that again I would not be telling them anything

sure people will play the 'anxiety' card that is no excuse to me so some personal backtstory, but normal consideration for others should happen from children to adults and the reverse

Glad you found him.

Sounds like he needs to get his phone fixed and message you to say he’ll be back after pub closing time.

Not because you’re his parent, but because you live with him and would be the one to raise the alarm if he vanished. I live with adult DC who are sometimes out all night and it only takes a quick message. I lived with mates for years and (even pre mobiles) we’d let each other know we’d be late or not home. Basic common sense to stay safe.

He’s 18 and therefore could be at university or have left home. In both cases you wouldn’t know what he was doing anyway.I left home at 17.

Glad all was well @lurchersforever. I'd have been worried too and have started threads before and been hammered.

Our DC, whilst being very independent, are 27 and 30 now. If they are at home, they keep in touch if due to be later than expected and that has always been the expectation. When they are not at home, at their own homes or when they were at uni, it's out of sight, out if mind and I never worry.

It's about nurture and about caring. I'm 64 and if I'm at my mother's (88), for a few days, and meet up with my old schoolfriends, if I say I'll be back at 10 but we get chatting and it's going to be later, then I let her know, otherwise she'll worry. Even now, she won't put the light out until I'm back.

Personally, I think it's much easier to grow and develop and be free and independent if someone cares for you and has your back.

Op you have cared for, loved and protected your son for nearly two decades it does not just switch off at the stroke of midnight when he is eighteen! Of course it takes time to slowly adjust to the transition, to begin to trust that he is safe in the world, to feel comfortable with adulthood. He is still very young. He is navigating the world and you love him deeply.

Ignore the silly posts on here that say you shouldn’t be bothered, you are a good parent and love your child of course you are going to care!

So glad he is safe and home. I felt like this for a few years, and it gradually fades and they become more mature, but I always check my dc safe even now,

I feel sad you left at 17 and no one cared where you were. Or if you were safe x That is very tough at such a young age.

No wonder! He’s a grown man!

It is worrying when they start going out and drinking and I did like to get a quick message if they were staying out all night … nothing worse than getting up for a wee and seeing an empty room.

However it’s our job to manage this anxiety and not hunt them down and ring their mates in the early hours.

There is a difference in 'next time please let me know if you are staying out' and 'I will call your friends and track you down and drive around town in a panic'

Glad all was ok.
obviously, get his phone fixed.
Ask him to accept you on Life360 app, then you’ll be able to see his location.

He is only just eighteen, op is still adjusting and learning how to parent a newly adult child. I think we need to cut her some slack.

Bloody hell I'd be moving straight out if I was him!

The issue here was his phone not working - get it fixed and ask him to let you know in future if he is not going to be back by midnight.

Wow. Poor lad, he must be absolutely mortified that his pal had to track him down because mummy was looking for him.

It is her child not us that is the on the end of it

Absolutely agree.

Helicopter parenting older children and dressing it up as being "concerned", isn't going to produce an 18 year old will deliberately not answer calls or texts just to gain a sense of independence.

Releasing the control as they get older is more likeky to produce 18 year olds with independence, who are receptive to answering a text checking they are OK.

Edited to add - this was supposed to have quoted Renabrook's post about the fact we thoughts of worry around our children but there has to be a line drawn

I’m glad he’s safe 💐

MN is funny sometimes because there have been multiple threads by adult women saying their 30+ year old DH hasn’t come home on time and posters tell them to ring the police etc but when an 18yo acts out of character, doesn’t arrive home for hours and isn’t contactable, then suddenly OP is overreacting and he’s a mummy’s boy etc.

Id get the phone fixed OP and asked him to memorise your number.

If he’s planning to stay out later than planned. then a quick text from a mates phone to let you know is just basic manners.

He’s an adult. Let him live his life.

Why because he has a parent who cares about his wellbeing? 🤔

OP said it’s out of character and no pub is open at 1:30am.

I would be worried about a 20+yo flatmate in that situation, especially if her phone was off, let alone my 18yo DC.

I think this is a lesson to get his phone fixed! While I would not have contacted his friend, I agree with PPs that it is a courtesy to let people you live with know if you'll be home late. I message DH to let him know if I'll be later than expected and he does the same with me and we are both grown adults but a quick text to stop someone at home from worrying is the decent thing to do.

I have an 18yo and know the worry OP. So glad he's home safe and sound 🫂

Well I find it hard to believe that so many people would just shrug if their 18 year old didn't come home and couldn't be contacted. He's always out and has never before failed to drop me a quick text if plans change, which is all I ask. I don't think it's unreasonable. Yes, he's an adult, but he lives with me, is dependant on me and it goes both ways and one thing I ask is I have an idea of his whereabouts.

He will be going to university in a few months and is also off to Spain with friends after the exams and that is completely different as I'll have no clue what he's up to so will need to just put it out of my mind. He stays at his dad's eow and I don't lie awake tracking his phone but when he's at mine he needs to bloody keep in touch!