DS not home and uncontacable

[lurchersforever]

I am starting to really panic. He is 18 and went to the pub at around 10 - I dropped him off to one further away than he usually goes to to meet friends. He doesn't drink or drive. When he goes into town he's out until around 4 and I (sort of) go to sleep, but at the pub he would be back by now but he's not.

There's a fault with his phone which means it doesn't connect or send calls and we haven't got round to fixing it, which is stupid. It goes straight to voicemail and I assume messages aren't getting through, even though they seem to. Whatsapp is one tick but the whatsapp call rings but he's not answering.

Where the fuck is he? It's not like him to be unreliable but I just can't work out where he'd be at this time.

25 is a bit different to 18 but if they are at home and have provided you with information about their whereabouts that night, volunteered the information when been given a lift by their Mum, it is a bit more blurred surely? If you are living with your parents it is just courteous. This is why it is quite difficult with intergenerational living into your twenties as acting like you are describing is something you do when living independently. Even then, when living with a friend, my friend asked me if I was out all night as she's a friend not a dictator as you are making out!

Groups of young adults usually do take general notice of whether their flatmates are home safe and often have plans for who to phone if the trains stop, etc.
I see living with an older adult as being very similar.
No one asks permission to go out etc but you are mindful of not having your housemate unduly worrying, being woken up by unruly noises of friends or the Police etc.
Op and her son, have a system that they use and trust that keeps them available to help each other out and able to sleep soundly etc.
Glad your son is fine and you can finally sleep without thinking you'll need to pick him up etc.

This. ^ I don't understand the berating you have had @lurchersforever You are absolutely entitled to be worried/freaked out. I would be worried sick, and would still be worried (as that poster said,) even if it was someone middle aged/my DH/my mum/anyone, if they seemed to be uncontactable.

My DC (late 20s/nearly in their 30s,) left home 10+ years ago, and still contact me and their dad to let us know they got home safe when they have been to our house (we live half hour drive away,) and we do it with them. There's nothing wrong with a bit of common courtesy, and thoughtfulness. Something, sadly, that some people lack these days. It's not treating them like babies to worry about their welfare if you haven't heard from them when you've expected to, and they're not home at 3am, and are uncontactable. What a ludicrous thing for anyone to suggest!

As the pp said, you don't just miraculously stop worrying about your children when they hit 18. I find it inexplicable that some people do. No wonder some adult children give their parents a wide berth when they've left home.

Glad he's OK OP! Please chill out now, ignore the haterz, and maybe ask MN to delete the thread, as its outlived its usefulness now, as your son is home.

lol you have no idea. I’m not a fretter as you call it .. I care for my children, no matter their age. All the trust you have in your adult children will not help you or them if something awful happens. Let’s hope they have more vigilant friends than they do a mum.

And it's YOUR opinion that some parents over-worry and fret too much. That's all it is, an opinion. You do you. Leave others to fret about their (adult) children if they want to. It's none of your business. Or anyone else's.

I was just being hyperbolic like you were with your 'hyper protective' post.

Speak for yourself. My parents worried, and so did my DH's, back in the 1980s! I know, wacky right?! And my grandmother used to worry about my mum in the 1950s and 1960s!

Parents actually WORRYING about the welfare of their children when they're adults. And being concerned, and OMG CARING!!!!!! Let's send the feds out to detain them for 'over-worrying, and 'fretting!' 😱 And throw the book at them for CARING!

As I said to the pp, you do you!

.

I totally understand why you were worried, I had similar rules when my children were 18 and still living at home. My daughter never broke the rules significantly although she was occasionally later than expected, but she did always answer her phone if I called her.

My son did once stay out all night without letting me know and was not answering his phone. At about 2 am I got in my car and drove to where I thought he was, spotted his car outside his friends house and proceeded to hammer on the door as I was so angry! There was no answer for ages then a bleary eyed lad opened the door and went and got my son. He was very drunk so after tearing a strip off him and left him there to sleep it off and told him to get home first thing. He was very apologetic when he came home, with flowers for me, and never stayed out again without getting in touch.

Your parents didn't behave like that, my Mum wanted to know where I was if out later than expected at 18 and home from uni. I also had a phone.

Why do you think must people leave home at 18 to go uni. There's a hell of alot of people that don't go to uni. Or they go to a local uni . Some go to a local college. Some decided to go to work or other types of courses 18 does not =uni

Checking in with teens/adult kids does mean constantly tracking. Checking in can be in any form. With ds18 I would not message saying are you safe where are you . It would be something like you having fun. Or a joke like I hope your only drinking lemonade. He would probably send a pic of his drink or a quick video call being silly = i know he's ok.

I'm trying to say most people check in with others in some form .

I mean that anecdote isn't comparable at all.

OP, I have 3 sons who all live at home. 23, 22 and 18. The oldest I never give a second thought as to where he is. The youngest is on Snapmaps and so I can see where he is (his choice!) But the middle one I will worry about forever. If he’s not home when he said he would be my mind goes into overdrive. And I have very good valid reason to worry about him 🥺

My point being, no one should criticise you for being “overbearing or overprotective or embarrassing”. You know your child, no one else does and you know whether you need to worry about him or not. Glad he’s ok x

My DS is a fed and I worry about him. Let's hope ds doesn't have me arrested 🤣

Of course you were worried and as its a normal relationship you do tell each other where you are going and when you expect to be back

glad he is back

I am somewhat ( closer to 81 really ) older than 18 but if I am staying at mams and out for the night I give her a clear idea of what she might expect and ahe would do the same if she was out and I was in

when they are a student they tend to look out for each other in the same way - the housemates tend to have an idea / see each other home and the like

Good luck when they go to uni at 18 then…

18 year olds can and do go out all night. The OP was frantic with worry at 1.30 am. That’s not particularly healthy but up to the individual how they parent adult children and the level of stress they put themselves under.

Yes, actually come to think of it my Mum's Dad in the 1960s told my Mum that he didn't want her to get the bus home late from my Dad's house anymore and so my Dad went and bought a moped to drive her home. Also, this whole thing about 18 being very much an adult in the past, yes and no as my parents said that 21 was more significant and they weren't allowed to get married until they both turned 21 according to their respective families. Equally, at university my Mum was told off for not completing an art assignment, she was locked in a storage cupboard with a desk until she completed it. I would argue that people were very much treated as kids when they were young adults in the last.

Past not 'last'.

Ok so you would send messages to him on a night out and expect replies and video calls. Ok…

If my parents had done that every time I went out that would have driven me utterly insane.

😂😂😂

Then....don't post about it on a public forum if you don't want people's opinions.

I think it's a bit much to suggest that a school's upper sixth form is full of grown men and women. That certainly wasn't the attitude in 'my' 1980s.

Some of these responses are wild! A kid turns 18 and you just stop worrying about them.

I'd be going out of my mind if one of my boys werent home and uncontactable and it was unusual behavior.

I'm so pleased he's home x

Worry? Yes

Get in the car at 2am and go driving around looking for them? No

Well mine seem to have. My 27 year old is fretting about her Y11's GCSE's at present, and regularly has concerns about young people who are not well parented. My 30 year old is coaching his undergrads in tutorials about their next steps and often referring to student well being for additional support.

DS has a wife and a home and is relocating to another Continent shortly. DD is on the cusp of an engagement. They have travelled some of the world independently, drive their own cars, etc.

However, they still call home "home" and when they are here let us know their plans and if they change because it is well mannered to do so.

I'm a night owl, so I don't see it like this dramatic and irrational action, in fact if my DS has included me in his plans via a lift to the original destination, I would think that is quite a logical thing to do.