DS not home and uncontacable

[lurchersforever]

I am starting to really panic. He is 18 and went to the pub at around 10 - I dropped him off to one further away than he usually goes to to meet friends. He doesn't drink or drive. When he goes into town he's out until around 4 and I (sort of) go to sleep, but at the pub he would be back by now but he's not.

There's a fault with his phone which means it doesn't connect or send calls and we haven't got round to fixing it, which is stupid. It goes straight to voicemail and I assume messages aren't getting through, even though they seem to. Whatsapp is one tick but the whatsapp call rings but he's not answering.

Where the fuck is he? It's not like him to be unreliable but I just can't work out where he'd be at this time.

And as we saw by the outcome. The most obvious, rational explanation is often the correct one.

Most isn't all though is it? And there are reasons for that that can't be reduced to rationality or irrationality.

Now that this has happened it probably signals a shift in the relationship and expectations and next time will probably be different. Funny how that works.

Your response was perfectly reasonable, OP. Some, or quite a lot of, people just like sticking the boot in on mumsnet. God knows why it makes them feel good.
Glad he's home safely.

Also, "sufferation". Lol.

I’m not missing the point.

You keep saying that it’s out of character for him to not message BUT that’s exactly what happened!

Let your adult kids be adults!

You must be so relieved OP. Our youngest is 18 too, our oldest is 28, and if any of the 3 of them, or 62 year old DH acted out of character I would be worried - of course I would. Nothing to do with not letting them be adults or any of the nonsense that’s been spouted on her, more to do with being a close knit family who look after each other and let each other know where we are if we’re staying out later or changing our plans.

It’s not always though is it? Luckily it was for lovely, caring OP. How would you feel however, if you left your son to get on with it, didn’t care if he was home at agreed time, then got a knock in the morning by police to say your son had been found dead? It happened in my local area. Absolutely tragic. OP and her son have an agreement which works for them both. It was out of character so good on her for actually being a caring mum.

Delatron with respect:
“rational explanation is often the correct one.”

“Often” is NOT enough, if it’s out of character for your own child; (who you know better than anyone).

@lurchersforever another point. There's almost daily local posts on Facebook of young men/boys (and some women /girls) going missing. So it's normal to worry.

Yes years ago we didn't have mobile phones but that was then. Our normal nowadays is keeping in touch. Some dcs don't that's their normal.

I do really feel for you. You’re being a great parent. I can remember that anxious, feeling sick feeling. You tell yourself they’re fine but that’s not the same as actually KNOWING that they are! It does get easier (but you always worry- which I call caring). And as they get older they acknowledge and are grateful that you worried/cared. X

I totally agree, no matter how ‘old’ a child or adult might be, I still worry, as I have on many occasions with my son!

Totally this. When I was 18 I didn't feel the need to keep my mum up to date with anything and she never expected me to. My sister on the other hand was always constantly in contact with her (mobile phone age) so if my mum hadn't heard from her she would worry in a way she never did with me. There are so many variables in parent-child relationships and as you say it applies to others as well. I wouldn't expect someone who didn't know me or my daughter or our relationship to be able to understand the cadence of it and there is an arrogance inherent in assuming your situation applies to everyone.

So if your DH who’s 35+ went out and said he’d be home by midnight as normal, yet it’s 7am and he’s not home and isn’t contactable - you wouldn’t worry at all?

You would just assume that he’s gone to his mates even though it’s completely out of character for him?

Mil worries about dh and she's 90! When I said he's working less now she was worried about money. He has pensions. Dms worry. When the placenta comes out they insert guilt and worry. Well, for most of us 😉

What are you on about? There’s a lot of difference between 1.30am and 7am for a start.

A husband and wife dynamic and an adult son dynamic is also different. 18 year olds tend to stay out later/ sleep at friends pop off to girlfriends.

What I am mainly saying is if I didn’t get a response from my adult child at 1am (not that I’d be texting them). My first thought would be that their phone must be out of charge/ they’ve gone to a mates/ no reception. Not to call their friends or drive around.

You can worry and care about your adult children without needing to know their whereabouts and be in contact all time.

People need to stop equating this constant contact with ‘caring’ and those that choose to give their adult children a bit more freedom don’t care. It’s simply not true.

I’m amazed people are saying you should just go to sleep and expect him to come and go as he pleases without a thought. I think they’re either people whose kids are much older so they’ve forgotten, or kids much younger so they haven’t had to deal with it yet.

And the “there were no phones in my day” argument is pointless, because of course expectations were different then. I would go on holiday and ring my Mum once to say I’d arrived. That was all that as possible so that was all she expected. Now contact is much easier, so the baseline has changed.

Strangely when people post on here to say their DH hasn’t come home, they’re not told that he’s an adult and should be left to do his own thing! Why are we allowed to track down 40 year old men but not teenagers?

This thread is like Chinese whispers. It was 1.30am. It was not 7am.

I would not track my 40 year DH or start ringing his friends at 1.30am.

The friend that OP called at 1.30am wasn’t with him. He was a lovely friend. Who helped her but what if he was asleep and had work the next day?

All I’m saying is a bit of rational thought and a sense of perspective is needed here. He was not out all night. He was a little later than normal. At 18.

Well said.

You keep inventing the narrative about being in constant contact. The OP didn't want to be in constant contact. She just knows her son better than you do and was worried because this was a departures from the norm (sigh).

Yes it turned out well in the end, but at 1.30 the OP didn't know that it would.

Please stop being so obtuse. You clearly have DC who have never given you cause to worry.

With spiking running rife for fun, robbery and worse I don't blame anyone for worrying about an incontinence teen

A lot of nonsense on here about him being 18 and an adult.

What's the big deal about texting his friends

He is under your roof and you are bound to worry especially with everyone having a phone nowadays. Get it fixed though!

Uni is completely different as you would not even know they were out. Its not like he is 25, he has only just started going to bars etc.
Probably would have waited till the next morning as loads of clubs open late

I think criticism should be reserved for parents who's kids are running wild with knives rather than someone who is worried about their kid

No-one said all the time - but if your family member acts out of character then it’s worrying and can mean that something has happened, as some families know only too well, sadly.

He’s 18 and he was a bit late home. That’s all. The dramatics on here! OP said his phone was broken. I do think calling his friend (who wasn’t with him and may have been sleeping)
was an overreaction but clearly we all parent differently.

Go away

Clever post. Well done.