Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Chat

Join the discussion and chat with other Mumsnetters about everyday life, relationships and parenting.

Original poster

DS not home and uncontacable

325 replies

lurchersforever · 30/05/2025 01:30

I am starting to really panic. He is 18 and went to the pub at around 10 - I dropped him off to one further away than he usually goes to to meet friends. He doesn't drink or drive. When he goes into town he's out until around 4 and I (sort of) go to sleep, but at the pub he would be back by now but he's not.

There's a fault with his phone which means it doesn't connect or send calls and we haven't got round to fixing it, which is stupid. It goes straight to voicemail and I assume messages aren't getting through, even though they seem to. Whatsapp is one tick but the whatsapp call rings but he's not answering.

Where the fuck is he? It's not like him to be unreliable but I just can't work out where he'd be at this time.

OP posts:
Lighteningstrikes · 30/05/2025 08:32

For any of you that are saying they wouldn’t be worried, just wait until you have children and teenagers.

Frankly, particularly in this day and age, you would have to be an uncaring dead head if you weren’t worried under the same circumstances.

LeonaStep · 30/05/2025 08:32

lurchersforever · 30/05/2025 02:19

Just been for a drive and everywhere is deserted but I messaged the number I had and the lad wasn't with him but very kindly tracked him down and tells me he's being dropped off and will be home soon. So relieved but very bloody cross as well.

Poor kid - his friends will be taking the mick out of him for a while!

Get a grip OP - he is a grown man

GeorgeMichaelsCat · 30/05/2025 08:32

I can understand why you are worried as it is out of character. You say he does not drink, does not mean he didn't drink last night though. Hope he is home soon OP.

screwyou · 30/05/2025 08:33

Ignore the bollocks about anxiety and being a helicopter parent I have young adult kids and would be the exact same. I simply don't care what the collective randoms on MN would think of me if I was concerned that my child hadn't come home.

C8H10N4O2 · 30/05/2025 08:33

I was positively free range compared to levels of protectiveness often promoted on MN but when the adult DC are under my roof they text me if they are going to be later than expected or plans have changed. Its just basic manners and consideration. I do the same if visiting others (including my DC).

IAmNeverThePerson · 30/05/2025 08:36

I have a non drinking 18 year old. If he wasn’t home by midnight I’d be incredibly worried. I would have called everyone and their aunt to try and find him.

Not because i care whether he is out late - I’d prefer him to party more than he does- but because it would be just so out of character.

Lighteningstrikes · 30/05/2025 08:37

LeonaStep · 30/05/2025 08:32

Poor kid - his friends will be taking the mick out of him for a while!

Get a grip OP - he is a grown man

Show quote history

You’re wrong there.

What you’ll actually find is that most kids totally get it.

Why you might ask yourself? Because they know bad things can happen. They’re not stupid!

C8H10N4O2 · 30/05/2025 08:38

Poor kid - his friends will be taking the mick out of him for a while!

Good. It might help him remember next time to text if his plans have changed.

After all, if he is a “grown man” a bit of wigging isn’t going to hurt him is it?

My DC friends were all under the same expectation of manners/consideration - text if the plans change. They all still do it as visiting adults, as do I when visiting them.

OlderGlaswegianLivingInDevon · 30/05/2025 08:39

So now he is home safe and sound;

'There's a fault with his phone which means it doesn't connect or send calls and we haven't got round to fixing it, which is stupid.'

' tested my SIM in his phone, which I have been on at him to do for ages so we know what the problem is.'

and I expect this issue is being sorted today

HonoriaBulstrode · 30/05/2025 08:42

It's normal for OP's family, so when DS didn't follow the norm and mssg OP with a head's up it was unusual, so of course OP woukd be worried.

But she knew his phone wasn't working properly.

OchAyeTheNo0 · 30/05/2025 08:42

lurchersforever · 30/05/2025 08:03

It's ridiculous accusing me of being a helicopter really. I've been lax about curfews since he was around 14/15, which was when he started going out properly in the evenings. If's it's not a school night I have always said just keep in touch, as that seemed to be the norm for his friends round here so his curfew was always extendable. Since being around 17 he hasn't had one, but I do expect a text and, up until now, I've always got one and I've never before known him be hours later than planned without a word. I highly doubt people wouldn't worry in that scenario. What used to happen before we had phones is entirely irrelevant.

You don’t have to justify yourself OP.

there are a lot of shit parents out there who have no idea what their kids are up to or they do and they don’t care. You’re raising a decent human and you’re doing a good job.

CharlotteLightandDark · 30/05/2025 08:43

everyone worries about their kids, it’s just that there’s a difference between stepping back from the worries and managing them yourself or getting so jerked around by them that you end up acting from them and calling themor friends or driving the streets at 2am.

I have an 18 year old and a 20 year old so I do get it but you can’t let the worry take over, it’s a miserable way to live

Mumwithbaggage · 30/05/2025 08:44

Glad he's home safe and sound. I'd have been the same OP - would have definitely contacted a friend (or probably got one of their siblings to do it) and have done so in the night. Equally, friends have contacted us on the odd occasion they've been worried about our dcs. That's what friends do, look out for each other.

And I don't think 18's a grown up all the time.

Goldenbear · 30/05/2025 08:45

IAmNeverThePerson · 30/05/2025 08:36

I have a non drinking 18 year old. If he wasn’t home by midnight I’d be incredibly worried. I would have called everyone and their aunt to try and find him.

Not because i care whether he is out late - I’d prefer him to party more than he does- but because it would be just so out of character.

That's the thing, it's not about the being out, it is the pattern of behaviour. If I, a grown woman in her mid 40s, was out all night, uncontactable, my late teen son and husband and come to think of it, my youngest DD would be worried about where I was. I have been home much later than imagined, phone died, last train home from London after a work social event and found myself trapped on a train going back up to London (I had to change to at the main station) as the doors weren't opening at the stops. I managed to get off in a rural stop and get a cab back with a stranger. I had many missed messages from my family on my dead phone that night. What's wrong with them all, do they not know I am a grown woman! 🙄

spoonbillstretford · 30/05/2025 08:46

Of course OP was right to be worried. I'd be worried if DH didn't come back when he was supposed to and I couldn't get hold of him and he's 53 not 18, and he would feel the same about me or DDs.

TesChique · 30/05/2025 08:47

posts slagging the OP are wild!!

I would do the exact same. You're an adult in law only at 18, i was still very much mentally a bloody stupid child

My mum would have torn a strip off me - and taught me a valuable lesson

Allthatwegotisthispalebluedot · 30/05/2025 08:48

Driving around at 2am looking for an 18 year old is quite mad. I get being worried but you need to control your anxiety or you’re just going to drive yourself round the bend.

WakingUpTheNeighbours · 30/05/2025 08:48

Glad he is ok OP. I’d ignore anyone saying you are overprotective or whatever.

My son i now 21 and since being an adult he has been to uni, holidays with friends, comes and goes as he pleases BUT, like everyone else in our house, he is expected to give an idea of when he’ll be home and if plans change, to let us know.

He went out last Friday saying he’d be home around midnight, his plans changed as he decided to go on to a club, so he text to say he wouldn’t be home til the next day as he was staying at a friends. All good, we don’t care if he goes out for 2 hours or 2 days, but he lets us know at the start and again if plans change. It’s just courtesy.

girlswillbegirls · 30/05/2025 08:49

lurchersforever · 30/05/2025 08:03

It's ridiculous accusing me of being a helicopter really. I've been lax about curfews since he was around 14/15, which was when he started going out properly in the evenings. If's it's not a school night I have always said just keep in touch, as that seemed to be the norm for his friends round here so his curfew was always extendable. Since being around 17 he hasn't had one, but I do expect a text and, up until now, I've always got one and I've never before known him be hours later than planned without a word. I highly doubt people wouldn't worry in that scenario. What used to happen before we had phones is entirely irrelevant.

OP don't mind people here, I don't get why they are giving you a hard time.
It's totally understandable you felt so worried. I would too. What's the difference between 17 and 18 years of age? He us still incredibly young.
I would have done the same. He is not 28.

I am glad he was safe, next time I am sure he will text you from a friends phone. Lesson learned. 💜

Goldenbear · 30/05/2025 08:50

CharlotteLightandDark · 30/05/2025 08:43

everyone worries about their kids, it’s just that there’s a difference between stepping back from the worries and managing them yourself or getting so jerked around by them that you end up acting from them and calling themor friends or driving the streets at 2am.

I have an 18 year old and a 20 year old so I do get it but you can’t let the worry take over, it’s a miserable way to live

I do t find it miserable at all, I just take it in my stride, I mean I don't have to worry on that front as if my DS was not going out in a normal pattern of girlfriends overnight, he would just tell me roughly what he is doing as he did when he went to see a music gig in London. I was supposed to be collecting him at 1 am at the City station as no provincial stops but in the end it was bus replacement from the outskirts of London, he told me and I went to bed as he decided to stay over at his girlfriends.

Hwi · 30/05/2025 08:51

Now I read about the happy end, I can put my two pennies' worth. Everybody says 'fix the phone', 'make sure it is charged', etc. Nonsense! Fix the child - force him to let you have 2 or 3 phone numbers of the friends he goes out with. After that say 'I know sometimes you don't get the signal. No problem. However, if you don't text or call me at such and such an hour, your friends will be getting a call/message from me.' Works a treat, mobilises their pathetic little minds every time - the embarrassment of their mum calling their cool friends (I never do) scares the proverbial out of them and makes them contact you before you contact their cool friends. Works with husbands too. Unfortunately, does not work with elderly parents.

Goldenbear · 30/05/2025 08:52

Allthatwegotisthispalebluedot · 30/05/2025 08:48

Driving around at 2am looking for an 18 year old is quite mad. I get being worried but you need to control your anxiety or you’re just going to drive yourself round the bend.

It isn't 'quite mad' what is though, is you thinking it is normal to post that comment about a stranger online whom you have never met!

SeaFloor · 30/05/2025 08:53

Hwi · 30/05/2025 08:51

Now I read about the happy end, I can put my two pennies' worth. Everybody says 'fix the phone', 'make sure it is charged', etc. Nonsense! Fix the child - force him to let you have 2 or 3 phone numbers of the friends he goes out with. After that say 'I know sometimes you don't get the signal. No problem. However, if you don't text or call me at such and such an hour, your friends will be getting a call/message from me.' Works a treat, mobilises their pathetic little minds every time - the embarrassment of their mum calling their cool friends (I never do) scares the proverbial out of them and makes them contact you before you contact their cool friends. Works with husbands too. Unfortunately, does not work with elderly parents.

Your posts always suggest to me that something terrible happened in your early life, and that you e not been around many other people since.

bluesinthenight · 30/05/2025 09:00

godmum56 · 30/05/2025 08:16

I hope you dudn't really mean that?

Show quote history

Why wouldn't they mean it? I don't have kids (I honestly don't think I could deal with the strain of incidents like this one because I am from a traumatised background). But if I did have kids I think I would feel exactly the same way.

TeeBee · 30/05/2025 09:00

Ah OP, I've been where you are. You've got one foot in the 'my baby' camp and one in 'they're an adult now' camp and its a difficult tightrope to walk. Trust me, when he's at uni, you will learn to worry less. Its not a bad lesson for him to learn to just check-in with the person he lives with, even just as a courtesy. My 'baby' is 20 and at uni. When he's home, I'll find a text from him in the early hours saying 'sorry mum, I forgot to let you know that I'm staying at my mates'. It's not a 'my house, my rules' thing; its just so the person you live with knows you're safe (and, in my case, doesn't bolt the front door). I'd expect them to tell their future partner if they're planning to stay out later than anticipated.
But, kindly, if you do want him to stay in touch, you need to sort his phone out.