DS not home and uncontacable

[lurchersforever]

I am starting to really panic. He is 18 and went to the pub at around 10 - I dropped him off to one further away than he usually goes to to meet friends. He doesn't drink or drive. When he goes into town he's out until around 4 and I (sort of) go to sleep, but at the pub he would be back by now but he's not.

There's a fault with his phone which means it doesn't connect or send calls and we haven't got round to fixing it, which is stupid. It goes straight to voicemail and I assume messages aren't getting through, even though they seem to. Whatsapp is one tick but the whatsapp call rings but he's not answering.

Where the fuck is he? It's not like him to be unreliable but I just can't work out where he'd be at this time.

Some people worry though, OP is one of those people and her concerns were real. She can't help that even if you and me agree we would look at the bigger picture and probably go to bed regardless.

I'm like you. I don't settle until my teenage daughter is in. Even though she's very sensible and responsible. At least he's home now.

OP, your son is 18. He is an adult. How embarrassing for him that his mum was driving around town and calling his mates because he was a little late home! Have you seen someone for help with your anxiety?

My 18yo went to the USA last year on his own for 8 days when he was 17yo and I was worrying about him but he managed okay. Was meeting a friend there.

He's off to a country in Europe next month to a music festival so I can't check him there either but getting the odd text or call is appreciated and he did this himself without being asked when in the US so I am hoping when in Europe for 5 days he will do the same ...

The worry doesn't stop when they turn 18!

Glad he is back safe and well. 18 is only just an adult and if this was out of character for him then I think it is fair for his mum to be worried. Once he is off to Uni you won’t know but as you say it is only common courtesy for him to tell you when he will be back if staying with you.

unnecessary.
the majority of people would be worried, so what he is 18?

He’s an adult. I remember when I was 18, I’d sometimes go out. She can’t do this every time he’s not home by midnight.

You can be worried / annoyed with him on his return but driving round at 2am to look is beyond the normal realms of parenting an 18yr old.

No one knew I was driving around town and, tbh, if he's embarrassed I contacted his friend it's tough - he should have borrowed a phone to message me like normal! He didn't seem to be - was apologetic when he got in and tested my SIM in his phone, which I have been on at him to do for ages so we know what the problem is.

I'm a teacher and from conversations I've had/heard over the years I don't think it's unusual for parents to take a 'while you're under my roof it's my rules approach,' rather than, 'you're 18, it's none of my business what you do!'

So why do it when he’s staying with you?
Surely he’d be at just as much risk in those other places?

Let him live his life. Go to bed and make sure your phone is on loud.

You need to land the helicopter op. He’s 18. When we were that age we had no phones. I used to get back super late as does my 18 year old Dd now occasionally. Clubbing / dancing / long chats with friends into the night / met a new boy or girlfriend. Can’t believe the advice that mum drives maniacally round looking for him! Dear me.

Do you have an 18 year old DC, as it very much doesn't sound like it.

I think it must be hard for parents. From about the age of 8 I played out for hours and hours and my parents didn't know where I was. From 11 I was getting the bus in to town, and again they didn't really know where I was or what I was doing.
Nowadays that would be considered neglectful, you're supposed to know where your kids are at all times. Then suddenly they're an adult and you're not supposed to care.

My same age but girl teen has just travelled with a similar tiny female friend independently around most of Central America so sorry but I think op is being utterly ridiculous!

What? 17 is a perfectly normal age to leave home. I left for university at 17 myself. Pre-mobiles, so nobody would have had any idea where I was, ever!

I think it is pretty normal, regular to worry as he's living with you. In fact, I think it is not normal to not worry about your own child not coming home if they live with you. It isn't anxiety, it is normal, regular worry, don't let strangers on here question normal feelings that are nothing to do with anxiety.

This. Crazy overreaction. He’s 18.

It’s not normal. Well sadly probably it is “normal” in our neurotic anxious society which is why many kids are like they are.

17 isn't the typical age to leave for university so that's pretty disingenuous.

I'm so glad he's home. You're getting a ridiculous amount of replies saying you've overreacted, but I'm with you. My eldest is 23, I'd be out looking for her if she dropped contact and wasn't home when she was expected, I'd be frantic. Being 18 is no different to being 17, they don't become adults overnight except in the eyes of the law! If it's out of character then there's even more to worry about. I'd get his phone fixed now though and be having strong words about having the courtesy to let you know if plans change next time

Mine are in their early twenties and I still don’t settle until they're in, unless I know they’re getting a lift back. Night time is a different world to be wandering the streets.

I had 4x 18 year old ds at various times, prior to mobile phones being widely available [generally only used by tradies]].
We were fortunate that they were responsible and didn't need to be in contact as such. It was a phone box call or nothing, generally saw them the following morning looking bleary over their cornflakes.😀

In the nicest way you need to let go a bit.
your son is an adult.
he was out with his mates. He could have gone to a friends house, for a ons, gone for food etc
if he was missing the next morning i’d be worried!
i had very strict parents but even they didn’t worry if i wasn’t back in the early hours by a certain time. I told where i was going and if i was coming back home.
letting you know the plans are changing would be if he weren’t coming home at all, you just drove around looking as he wasn’t back by a certain time. Do you have anxiety when he goes out?

I have a friend who does this and her ds has just had his 40th birthday! I get frantic calls,texts, she can't get hold of him,he's not answering his phone. Sometimes he comes home that night, sometimes 2 days later, usually hooked up with some woman. She talks about him as though he's about 12"these young boys, the youth of today". My older 3 born in the 1970s 80s, there was no mobile phones. If they said they were going to a friend's, you could check on a landline, once mobile phones came in, they could tell you anything. All 4 were living their own lives with their own (rented) properties.we are very close, my DDs have moved to be nearer us, one just 2 miles away

I'm glad he's ok but I'm on the side of chill out a bit.
I have very loving, great parents who would pick me up anywhere, anytime just to be sure I was safe but they didn't have a clue where I was on a Friday night at 18!

I could have been home at 9pm or 4am. The key was, I asked them if needed, they let me be otherwise.

It's healthy to let go a little - alongside being normal to worry. Unless there are extenuating circumstances I would try and swallow my anxiety and let him be.

My MIL used to wait up for her kids and eagerly question them about their night, laugh if they were drunk etc. She meant well but they both felt smothered and went very far away to uni - and to live afterwards!! The exact opposite effect of what she wanted. Clearly there were more reasons for this but it's a cautionary note in my head for when my child is that age.