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Original poster

DS not home and uncontacable

325 replies

lurchersforever · 30/05/2025 01:30

I am starting to really panic. He is 18 and went to the pub at around 10 - I dropped him off to one further away than he usually goes to to meet friends. He doesn't drink or drive. When he goes into town he's out until around 4 and I (sort of) go to sleep, but at the pub he would be back by now but he's not.

There's a fault with his phone which means it doesn't connect or send calls and we haven't got round to fixing it, which is stupid. It goes straight to voicemail and I assume messages aren't getting through, even though they seem to. Whatsapp is one tick but the whatsapp call rings but he's not answering.

Where the fuck is he? It's not like him to be unreliable but I just can't work out where he'd be at this time.

OP posts:
ExpectoOff · 30/05/2025 09:05

I completely understand you being worried OP. I don’t understand why you’re cross. He wasn’t out until the early hours of the morning.

He’s going to university in 3 months. I think you need to reign it back a bit if you don’t want him to start ignoring your messages whilst he’s there, though.

Jibberjabba · 30/05/2025 09:09

Glad he is safe and well, ignore the negative posts op

MyKingdomForACat · 30/05/2025 09:10

I hear you OP My youngest son is 28 and still lives with us for now. He goes out and stays out and doesn’t even let us know. The worry doesn’t get any less with age. I’ve found having a few of his friends’ phone numbers helps because someone will always know where he is. Try not to worry. He’ll be at a mate’s with a flat battery x

MyKingdomForACat · 30/05/2025 09:12

It’s not about age. It’s about love ❤️

TheSwarm · 30/05/2025 09:19

The kid is 18. At that age I had left home and maybe spoke to my parents once a week.

Being cross at an adult for not checking in with their mum when they go out for a night is ridiculous.

Nicole621 · 30/05/2025 09:19

He's barely an adult and you were concerned for his safety, I understand that. But I think if you are that concerned then you should have made sure he has a working phone at least.

Muggytoday · 30/05/2025 09:19

In your case op I wouldn’t have worried too much as your son sounds sensible, he doesn’t drink and you knew his phone wasn’t working.

When my 17 year old went out recently (daytime, not drinking) they weren’t answering my calls for hours which was unusual and I was expecting them home early evening. I knew something had happened. They turned up a few hours later in a police van after a big incident and brought home for their own safety.

It’s normal to worry a bit but I think it depends on your child and you know their usual comings and goings. Maybe have a plan b for next time.

1543click · 30/05/2025 09:19

I expect anyone of any age to text me if they are going to be very late and I'm expecting them home. It's normal polite behaviour from those we love and care about . 2am is panic time when you haven't heard from someone, especially your child.

Youagain2025 · 30/05/2025 09:22

lurchersforever · 30/05/2025 08:03

It's ridiculous accusing me of being a helicopter really. I've been lax about curfews since he was around 14/15, which was when he started going out properly in the evenings. If's it's not a school night I have always said just keep in touch, as that seemed to be the norm for his friends round here so his curfew was always extendable. Since being around 17 he hasn't had one, but I do expect a text and, up until now, I've always got one and I've never before known him be hours later than planned without a word. I highly doubt people wouldn't worry in that scenario. What used to happen before we had phones is entirely irrelevant.

I totally agree my older kids are 27,22,18.

I check on with them everyday. Especially if I know they have gone out at night. Sometimes it's mainly via a message. Sometimes as an arms length check i will ask one of the other kids to check location. Especially with ds 18 . He can be a bit hit and miss and very spontaneous and does not think things through. They all have my bank details on uber so they always have access to a cab if needed.

My kids are older but they are my kids I will always worry about them.

lazyarse123 · 30/05/2025 09:23

When did it become an issue to worry about your kids? He lives at home and had said he wouldn't be late so it's understandable to worry if he*s not back.
I'm glad he's back safe op.

notadrift · 30/05/2025 09:24

The number of posts every weekend about 40/50 yr old DPs being late home.
Nobody is rude to them 😆

Kingsleadhat · 30/05/2025 09:24

lurchersforever · 30/05/2025 07:30

Well I find it hard to believe that so many people would just shrug if their 18 year old didn't come home and couldn't be contacted. He's always out and has never before failed to drop me a quick text if plans change, which is all I ask. I don't think it's unreasonable. Yes, he's an adult, but he lives with me, is dependant on me and it goes both ways and one thing I ask is I have an idea of his whereabouts.

He will be going to university in a few months and is also off to Spain with friends after the exams and that is completely different as I'll have no clue what he's up to so will need to just put it out of my mind. He stays at his dad's eow and I don't lie awake tracking his phone but when he's at mine he needs to bloody keep in touch!

The son I have at home is 26 and I still worry if he's late or uncontactable. I think that's normal and I'm so relieved for you that he's safe

Original poster
lurchersforever · 30/05/2025 09:28

@TheSwarm With respect, that's nothing like the relationship we have. If we had a distant relationship and/or he didn't live with me it would be different. But I gave him a lift to the pub and he said 'I'm definitely not going in to town.' For the last year, that has meant home between 12-1, which I'm fine with. It got to 2 with no word and I was worried. Before they started going to pubs/clubs, they were out much later and 3am wasn't unusual, but now they go by pub opening times! Last night he sat in someone's car for over an hour after the pub, which is a new thing but he says the friend was having a bit of a crisis re future plans and they were having a heart to heart (3 of them). It's a new one!

OP posts:
Jmaho · 30/05/2025 09:29

I'm glad he's OK
You've had a lot of stick on this post
My eldest is 16 and we message lots when he's out.
Not sure if there's this special switch that flicks as soon as they reach 18 where you're not meant to worry anymore?
I'd be worried if my 45 year old husband wasn't back when expected and I couldn't contact him!
I'm 44 and still message my own mum once I get home from dropping her!

ZebraPrintt · 30/05/2025 09:32

You've got to trust your mum instincts OP, it was telling you something was wrong and you followed up on it, 18 or not I imagine you never stop worrying. Yeah texting his mate early hours probably wasn't ideal, but if something had happened you'd be regretting not getting in touch. I'm in my 30s not living at home but my mum checks on me everyday, she'd know if something was wrong

DissDissOrDiss · 30/05/2025 09:32

@godmum56 crazy huh?!

@justasking111 what if your adult child stayed single all their life?!

chunkyblighter · 30/05/2025 09:33

17 isn't the typical age to leave for university

No, but possible. A friend of mine was a year ahead and took A levels early because he was a right brain box so went to uni before 18.

RampantIvy · 30/05/2025 09:37

FreddoSwaggins · 30/05/2025 07:15

Absolutely agree.

Helicopter parenting older children and dressing it up as being "concerned", isn't going to produce an 18 year old will deliberately not answer calls or texts just to gain a sense of independence.

Releasing the control as they get older is more likeky to produce 18 year olds with independence, who are receptive to answering a text checking they are OK.

Edited to add - this was supposed to have quoted Renabrook's post about the fact we thoughts of worry around our children but there has to be a line drawn

Edited

The OP posts on here because she is worried and posts like yours don't help.

What the lad did was out of character, so of course she was worried.
You never stop worrying about your children, no matter how old they are.

It's different when they are away at university.

I hope you feel better about sticking the boot in Hmm

I'm glad your DS is OK @lurchersforever

Goldenbear · 30/05/2025 09:38

TheSwarm · 30/05/2025 09:19

The kid is 18. At that age I had left home and maybe spoke to my parents once a week.

Being cross at an adult for not checking in with their mum when they go out for a night is ridiculous.

I went to uni and in the first term I was so uncontactable that my Dad (divorced from my Mum) rang the Student Union and put a message on the communal message board. I think being away from home that is not great but more a case of out of sight, out of mind. When the 18 year old is at home this is not the case but in my house, if I didn't come home roughly when expected, like I didn't in my post above, but battery died, there is concern, whoever it is- I was expected to turn up around 1am it was 3am when I stepped in the door, DH and my eldest were really worried. Neither of them are neurotic, are you honestly suggesting they shouldn't care?

Romeiswheretheheartis · 30/05/2025 09:40

I'm amazed at all the posters ridiculing the OP for worrying, and going on about an 18 Yr old being an adult. Yes, in age, but many 18 Yr olds are still at school - of course a parent is going to worry about their school age child not coming home, you can't compare an A level student with someone living away at uni. I wonder if the responses would have been different if it was a girl - I really don't think driving around at 2am looking for my A level student dd if she'd not returned home from a pub would be 'quite mad'.

Equally, I'd worry if a 50 year old adult I lived with didn't come home late at night when expected.

0vertherainbow · 30/05/2025 09:42

I envy people who have never experienced the nightmare of shit actually happening to your own child. We've been through extreme times with my eldest (soon 20yrs). Shit happens, and can happen to anyone.
Trust your own instincts around your own children.

Goldenbear · 30/05/2025 09:42

chunkyblighter · 30/05/2025 09:33

17 isn't the typical age to leave for university

No, but possible. A friend of mine was a year ahead and took A levels early because he was a right brain box so went to uni before 18.

At university is out of sight, out of mind, although these days, so presumably not your friend's age unless you are 18 currently, it is a different world. The OP's 18 year old was dropped by them and chatted about the plans. I don't drop my late teen to many places as he usually doesn't want a lift, I think I'd they have included you in their plans like that it is even more likely you will worry.

TheSwarm · 30/05/2025 09:43

Goldenbear · 30/05/2025 09:38

I went to uni and in the first term I was so uncontactable that my Dad (divorced from my Mum) rang the Student Union and put a message on the communal message board. I think being away from home that is not great but more a case of out of sight, out of mind. When the 18 year old is at home this is not the case but in my house, if I didn't come home roughly when expected, like I didn't in my post above, but battery died, there is concern, whoever it is- I was expected to turn up around 1am it was 3am when I stepped in the door, DH and my eldest were really worried. Neither of them are neurotic, are you honestly suggesting they shouldn't care?

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There is a massive gap between not caring and feeling angry and getting in your car/ texting his mates etc because he is out a couple of hours late.

Really, if you can't allow your 18 year old kid to stay out a bit late without having to constantly check in, something has gone a bit wrong.

Goldenbear · 30/05/2025 09:47

Romeiswheretheheartis · 30/05/2025 09:40

I'm amazed at all the posters ridiculing the OP for worrying, and going on about an 18 Yr old being an adult. Yes, in age, but many 18 Yr olds are still at school - of course a parent is going to worry about their school age child not coming home, you can't compare an A level student with someone living away at uni. I wonder if the responses would have been different if it was a girl - I really don't think driving around at 2am looking for my A level student dd if she'd not returned home from a pub would be 'quite mad'.

Equally, I'd worry if a 50 year old adult I lived with didn't come home late at night when expected.

Exactly, I think it is pretty normal to worry about the people you live with and I say worry when things are out of pattern, not furiously pacing the house, overwhelmed with anxiety until they get home. I noted still no one who is a cool cat has responded to my post about getting in way later than expected in my early 40s and my DH and eldest son being worried presumably because they know to care about the people you live with is totally normal.

Ilikeadrink14 · 30/05/2025 09:48

OchAyeTheNo0 · 30/05/2025 08:42

You don’t have to justify yourself OP.

there are a lot of shit parents out there who have no idea what their kids are up to or they do and they don’t care. You’re raising a decent human and you’re doing a good job.

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Exactly. This Mum sounds great. It’s not unreasonable to expect a text from a teen who is still living at home, if plans change. It’s not as though she’s always on his case and he’s never free to go out with his friends. She is a caring and loving Mum and I wish there were more like her.