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Original poster

DS not home and uncontacable

325 replies

lurchersforever · 30/05/2025 01:30

I am starting to really panic. He is 18 and went to the pub at around 10 - I dropped him off to one further away than he usually goes to to meet friends. He doesn't drink or drive. When he goes into town he's out until around 4 and I (sort of) go to sleep, but at the pub he would be back by now but he's not.

There's a fault with his phone which means it doesn't connect or send calls and we haven't got round to fixing it, which is stupid. It goes straight to voicemail and I assume messages aren't getting through, even though they seem to. Whatsapp is one tick but the whatsapp call rings but he's not answering.

Where the fuck is he? It's not like him to be unreliable but I just can't work out where he'd be at this time.

OP posts:
TheaBrandt1 · 30/05/2025 08:01

Does he have nice friends? Both mine have a lovely solid group who would not let one of their number be left alone on a night out.

When dd1 had a party one girl got terribly drunk so I went to intervene - her friends had already called her mum to pick her up so I saw their behaviour in action and was impressed.

Original poster
lurchersforever · 30/05/2025 08:03

It's ridiculous accusing me of being a helicopter really. I've been lax about curfews since he was around 14/15, which was when he started going out properly in the evenings. If's it's not a school night I have always said just keep in touch, as that seemed to be the norm for his friends round here so his curfew was always extendable. Since being around 17 he hasn't had one, but I do expect a text and, up until now, I've always got one and I've never before known him be hours later than planned without a word. I highly doubt people wouldn't worry in that scenario. What used to happen before we had phones is entirely irrelevant.

OP posts:
Mudlickets · 30/05/2025 08:04

OP lots of people feel the same as you. There is a difference when they are living at home. I too can't sleep properly till I know they are home and would be worried if they were local and then really late. He should have dropped you a message and should next time.

TENSsion · 30/05/2025 08:08

lurchersforever · 30/05/2025 08:03

It's ridiculous accusing me of being a helicopter really. I've been lax about curfews since he was around 14/15, which was when he started going out properly in the evenings. If's it's not a school night I have always said just keep in touch, as that seemed to be the norm for his friends round here so his curfew was always extendable. Since being around 17 he hasn't had one, but I do expect a text and, up until now, I've always got one and I've never before known him be hours later than planned without a word. I highly doubt people wouldn't worry in that scenario. What used to happen before we had phones is entirely irrelevant.

You’re talking about an adult man.
Most people would be asleep when their adult children were out drinking with their friends.

You can’t live your life like this. You’ll drive yourself and him mad.

RunningJo · 30/05/2025 08:11

lurchersforever · 30/05/2025 08:03

It's ridiculous accusing me of being a helicopter really. I've been lax about curfews since he was around 14/15, which was when he started going out properly in the evenings. If's it's not a school night I have always said just keep in touch, as that seemed to be the norm for his friends round here so his curfew was always extendable. Since being around 17 he hasn't had one, but I do expect a text and, up until now, I've always got one and I've never before known him be hours later than planned without a word. I highly doubt people wouldn't worry in that scenario. What used to happen before we had phones is entirely irrelevant.

I agree with you, if he lives at home then I would expect a text to say he’s going on somewhere. I wouldn’t expect the details of where and who with, or even what time he’s back, but would have expected a text out of consideration.

MyNameIsSharon · 30/05/2025 08:11

Feetinthegrass · 30/05/2025 06:39

I feel sad you left at 17 and no one cared where you were. Or if you were safe x That is very tough at such a young age.

Show quote history

How dramatic.
I left home at 17 to go to collage in a different city, then after a few months I was on placement working full time.

I was living independently and looking after myself. It wasn't sad, I was doing what I'd dreamed of since I was little.
It didn't mean no one cared about me or if I was safe.🙄

justasking111 · 30/05/2025 08:12

Get the phone fixed for peace of mind. My kids knew I worried until they had a live in partner then i handed over the reins thankfully.

TheaBrandt1 · 30/05/2025 08:14

I literally could not function if I was like that. Dd1 loves dancing and the club shuts at 4am. She gets an uber back here with her pals. I would be unable to work the next day or drive if I was a “can’t rest until she is back” type.

Original poster
lurchersforever · 30/05/2025 08:15

@TENSsion He doesn't drink. He's an adult legally but he's still very much my dependant. I love how you specify 'man' and 'drinking,' as if those are two factors that mean I definitely shouldn't have tried to get hold of him!

OP posts:
JSMill · 30/05/2025 08:15

lurchersforever · 30/05/2025 08:03

It's ridiculous accusing me of being a helicopter really. I've been lax about curfews since he was around 14/15, which was when he started going out properly in the evenings. If's it's not a school night I have always said just keep in touch, as that seemed to be the norm for his friends round here so his curfew was always extendable. Since being around 17 he hasn't had one, but I do expect a text and, up until now, I've always got one and I've never before known him be hours later than planned without a word. I highly doubt people wouldn't worry in that scenario. What used to happen before we had phones is entirely irrelevant.

You are absolutely right Op. I would have done exactly the same as you.

godmum56 · 30/05/2025 08:16

justasking111 · 30/05/2025 08:12

Get the phone fixed for peace of mind. My kids knew I worried until they had a live in partner then i handed over the reins thankfully.

I hope you dudn't really mean that?

ThatsNotMyTeen · 30/05/2025 08:17

You’re not a helicopter mum, I would say those accusing you of being so are either just trying to be the cool mum, have much younger kids or much older ones and have no experience of this stage or have forgotten it!

Of course you’re going to be worried if they don’t come home when you were expecting them to and you can’t get in touch. They may be legally adults but they are still young and our children. My eldest is 19 and I get it!

xxxwd · 30/05/2025 08:19

Goldenbear · 30/05/2025 07:52

17 isn't the typical age to leave for university so that's pretty disingenuous.

Show quote history

It is in Scotland. I stayed until end of 6th year and was 17.

TENSsion · 30/05/2025 08:20

lurchersforever · 30/05/2025 08:15

@TENSsion He doesn't drink. He's an adult legally but he's still very much my dependant. I love how you specify 'man' and 'drinking,' as if those are two factors that mean I definitely shouldn't have tried to get hold of him!

But You’ve stated he’s off traveling and stays with his dad sometimes and when he does these things you have no clue where he is.

Let it go. You’re going to push him away.

TheaBrandt1 · 30/05/2025 08:21

I’m not particularly cool and have a Dd the same age (gap year university in sept) and I think she is a total helicopter mum. Unless she lives in a horrific area or he is vulnerable in some way.

Rusteze · 30/05/2025 08:21

Don’t worry about what other people say on this thread, everyone parents different.

i too would have been worried and I don’t think that’s the sign of an overbearing parent but one that cares where her kid is when he doesn’t come home when expected.

i have a younger son and will be the same for sure.

Glad he’s home safe and you’ve managed some sleep x

Cluborange666 · 30/05/2025 08:22

I’m glad he’s ok. I’d have been worried too.

YourLimeScroller · 30/05/2025 08:23

I would have been worried too, it’s the fact that it’s out of character for him not
to keep in touch when plans change. You also hear such horrors about young adults getting caught up in trouble, or even just having their phones stolen which happened
to my son recently, he then couldn’t pay for his train home or contact us. Parents care and parents worry, this doesn’t stop at 18.

minnienono · 30/05/2025 08:24

Gently, you have to learn to accept they do things impromptu, I’ve been through it, it’s worrying but you trust them

Sassybooklover · 30/05/2025 08:25

My son is only 14, but once he reaches 18, I will be saying to him - if you're going to be late or not coming home, drop me a text. Of course if he goes to University, I won't know where he is or what he's getting up to, and that's completely different. However, whilst living at home, there needs to be some consideration. I'm old generation - I used to call my parents from a phone box, to say I wouldn't be home until the early hours, if I went clubbing!

Goldenbear · 30/05/2025 08:27

TheaBrandt1 · 30/05/2025 07:51

It’s not normal. Well sadly probably it is “normal” in our neurotic anxious society which is why many kids are like they are.

It is absolutely normal to worry about your children that have just turned 18. Nothing neurotic about worrying at all. Strange to label everything as 'neurotic' theses days; I think you'll find it's more because strangers online think nothing of labelling people using extreme terms, as it entertains them, which is why many people, not just young people feel unsettled, it's a hamster wheel of apathy and assault. Turn this on it's head, do you think it is 'normal' to diagnose someone online, a stranger with a mental health condition. Do you think it is normal to find this entertaining?

StressedLP1 · 30/05/2025 08:27

JFC at some of the cuntiness on here.

you can’t win OP. If something had happened to your son you’d be judged for not trying to find out if he was ok.

glad your ds is fine - all’s well that ends well.

doneandone · 30/05/2025 08:28

I get it op. I could never really sleep properly until dd got in from a night out. When she was staying at friends after a night out I asked her to message to say when she got back. This changed when she went to uni, she obviously doesn't message when she goes out now, but she no longer lives at home.

Mumtobabyhavoc · 30/05/2025 08:28

I think that it's just courtesy to let each-other know what's going just in case something happens. It's normal for OP's family, so when DS didn't follow the norm and mssg OP with a head's up it was unusual, so of course OP woukd be worried. Glad he's home and all is well.

Birdsinginginthetrees · 30/05/2025 08:31

AnnaL94 · 30/05/2025 04:38

I’m sorry but why are you cross with an adult?

Fair enough if he was 16/17 but 18…. He’s legally old enough to be in pubs.

Most young people end up going into town/the clubs/back to a friends house for “afters” when out drinking.

As long as he has a key to the house and doesn’t make noise when coming in he should be able to have a night out without his mother driving round looking for him at 2am. So bizarre.

Show quote history

So because he’s 1 year older than 17 that means the OP is being unreasonable? Really? He is now legally an adult, but he’s only just out of childhood and I can understand why the OP was worried. Most parents would have been worried in this situation. The OP did say it’s not normal for him to stay out so late.