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Original poster

Struggling to keep a secret..WWYD

157 replies

Luanaa · 22/05/2025 14:19

Obviously I cannot say what the secret is (sorry). All I can say though, is that it involves a relative who is about to make some awful decisions which will most likely go horribly wrong for them, and could possibly cause a lot of hurt to those close to them.

It’s shocking behaviour to be honest but I believe it could (potentially) be prevented if the rest of the family knew and intervened.

However I have been sworn to secrecy and gave my word I wouldn’t say anything to anyone. We are talking about a semi vulnerable person so it’s quite a frightening position for me to be in and definitely easier (but maybe not wiser) to just try to forget about it.

Whilst they are not breaking the law, it’s not something most decent people would dream of doing. It could have a long lasting negative impact on this person and those close to them.

Is anyone able to offer some advice based on little information?! I feel like it’s a huge burden on me.

OP posts:
BleachedJumper · 22/05/2025 14:21

Why did they tell you?

xmasdealhunter · 22/05/2025 14:21

When you say awful decisions, is it financial? relationship based? Why are they doing it?

CostaDelZamboni · 22/05/2025 14:23

Even if they’ve sworn you to secrecy, are you sure they haven’t confided in you in the hope you will blab and avert a crisis? If they really didn’t want to be stopped, they wouldn’t tell anyone

SirChenjins · 22/05/2025 14:24

I know you don't want to say what it is, but it's really hard to offer advice without knowing what the risks are. Are they making themselves vulnerable from a financial pov? Is their physical or mental safety going to be comprised? Will their property be put at risk?

TidyDancer · 22/05/2025 14:27

Without more info it’s quite difficult to judge but the semi vulnerable point stood out to me. I think if you believe this person isn’t acting in their own interests and/or is incapable of judging what that is, I would intervene. You could try approaching them and saying how you are in a difficult position but feel that you have to do what you think is right for them and you hope they are able to understand that then tell someone you think will be equally caring.

I don’t think I could just sit on this and do nothing.

Wishboneswishes · 22/05/2025 14:29

Perhaps it’s the old teacher training in me but if I as asked to keep a secret which would put the person at risk then I would not be able to keep the secret. Obviously I don’t know what the secret is but I’m pretty sure I’d be confiding in the most sensible family member for help and advice.

JellyAnd · 22/05/2025 14:29

Is the situation is so niche it’s instantly identifiable? It’s really hard to give advice without knowing ANY details at all. I’m sure you’re not but for all we know you could be pearl clutching about something that isn’t a big deal for most people. One thing I will say though is that if your relative really wanted to keep it secret and was determined to go through with it then would they have told you? Is there any chance that on some level they actually want you to be the voice of reason and talk them out of it?

Original poster
Luanaa · 22/05/2025 14:30

So scared to say too much as I believe another close relative is active on here.

But let me try…

They told me because they trust me more than anyone. I have really been there for this person over the years and it just came out, now it’s out it feels like a heavy weight on my shoulders.

It’s a bit of messed up mix of bad decisions, it would probably have financial implications and would heavily impact relationships with various other family members (children are involved - this person is a parent). It is also morally wrong and again, not something a decent person would give a second thought.

Here is my difficulty… whilst I believe there is a small chance of saving the day (not actually too sure how yet but I know I couldn’t change their mind by myself - tried that), this person is very set on their decision and I suppose there is also a big chance that I would destroy our relationship and they would go and do it any way. Maybe I’m best staying out but again, it’s on my shoulders and I’m struggling to move forward.

OP posts:
PrettyPuss · 22/05/2025 14:34

Have you tried telling them that you feel that you need to tell other family members? And why.

Cynic17 · 22/05/2025 14:35

If they trusted you to keep this a secret, then that's what you do. No ifs or buts.

ThirstyFruit · 22/05/2025 14:36

You’re an anonymous person on the internet, OP. It would be perfectly possible to give more information without betraying the confidence, and frankly, if your assumption is correct, maybe it wouldn’t be the worst thing if a relative read it and recognised the ‘semi-vulnerable’ person as their family member?

How vulnerable is this person? When you say it’s legal but ‘not something most decent people would do’, are we talking taking money to marry someone who needs a visa? Making porn? Being a surrogate for money? Having a relationship that’s inappropriate for some reason? You say this person has children — are they put at risk by this person’s actions? If so, it’s irrelevant whether or not you were sworn to secrecy. You need to act. Why would the wider family knowing make a difference, if you weren’t able to talk him or her out of it?

NeverDropYourMooncup · 22/05/2025 14:37

Cynic17 · 22/05/2025 14:35

If they trusted you to keep this a secret, then that's what you do. No ifs or buts.

If they could be hurting children, then you tell, no ifs or buts.

ThirstyFruit · 22/05/2025 14:38

Cynic17 · 22/05/2025 14:35

If they trusted you to keep this a secret, then that's what you do. No ifs or buts.

If children are put at risk by this action of the OP’s family member, all sworn secrecy is off.

Original poster
Luanaa · 22/05/2025 14:38

@JellyAnd I understand but I can promise you, if you found out a close relative was doing what this person is about to do, you’d be slightly horrified. Again, it’s not illegal… just (highly) morally wrong. Particularly as a parent.

Essentially, I could stay out of it. Let it unfold and worst case scenario it comes to light and they lose an awful lot. They wouldn’t have any legal implications (other than potential debt). Maybe they need to learn the hard way.

OR

I bring it to light but this would come with a tonne of anxiety, stress and paranoia. And.. it may not achieve much any way?!

I really do think I have answered my own question but feel a little lighter having told a bunch of anonymous people that I am keeping a bizarre and awful secret.

They are good at almost disguising their mental health and I am completely unaware, if I’m being honest, of where they are at mentally. It’s a bizarre situation - I cannot read this person, yet so close to them.

OP posts:
Dozycuntlaters · 22/05/2025 14:40

Well, if the shoe was on the other foot and you found out that a relative had really important information about someone close to you and had known but not told you and then the worst happened how would you feel if they said sorry they asked me not to tell.

If it has serious implications then it shouldnt be a secret. Even if they do it anyway, at least you tried.

myplace · 22/05/2025 14:41

Are they going to use their DC’s money to pay a bill?

Original poster
Luanaa · 22/05/2025 14:41

Just to clarify re the children.. to be fair I don’t think they would ever have to find out what the parent has done. It’s just that the other parent would leave and they’d divorce straight away. So it’s sad knowing that there is a small chance I might be able to stop that. See.. this is where my mind changes again.

OP posts:
myplace · 22/05/2025 14:44

I think you have to be a bit clearer.

A is going to do sex work to pay off a debt.
This will end their marriage
DCs family will break up.

A is going to do something legal but immoral.
Their DC will never know
Their parents will know and will never forgive them….

Something!

PrettyPuss · 22/05/2025 14:47

I would start by telling the parent that I am thinking that I have to tell the other family members about what they are proposing to do.

IpsyUpsyDaisyDoos · 22/05/2025 14:51

You need to do what you feel is the right thing for this person and their family.

If you think that by keeping the secret you're enabling them to essentially blow up their life and that if their family, you can't keep it.

If you think that by telling someone you can prevent this happening but they'll be mad at you, you can't keep it.

If you think that by telling you'll make no difference but you'll destroy a relationship you value, you can't tell.

If you think that by telling you'll make no difference but you'll remove a source of support (you) from them, that's up to you as to whether it helps anyone.

Basically, there's no easy answer but you need to do what's best.

Lurkingandlearning · 22/05/2025 14:53

That is a very difficult position to be in. I’ve never really thought about this before but isn’t it ridiculous that we are asked to keep secrets before knowing what the secret is? Are you sure their actions will be as damaging as you suggest?

If the affect their decision will have on others isn’t going to stop them, have they thought about how the consequences of what they are planning to do will affect them? That might be a way to approach this, telling them you can’t keep the secret because it will cause them pain.

They have put you in this horrible position and I would have to explain why I couldn’t keep the secret, that they are asking too much and then tell who needed to be told. You can be sure if you don’t, at some point someone will ask you if you knew and will be disappointed if not hurt, that you did nothing.

romdowa · 22/05/2025 14:55

If the children aren't at risk in anyway then I'd stay out of it and ask them not to confide in me any more.

healthybychristmas · 22/05/2025 15:02

Is it to do with only fans or prostitution or similar?

PrettyPuss · 22/05/2025 15:03

PrettyPuss · 22/05/2025 14:47

I would start by telling the parent that I am thinking that I have to tell the other family members about what they are proposing to do.

Sorry the person not the parent.

I am guessing a sister/brother in law.

BeNiceWhenItsFinished · 22/05/2025 15:07

I think you need to speak to them and tell them that what they have done by telling you is really horribly unfair on you, because you now have to carry the burden of this secret. And if anyone in future finds out you knew and did nothing, the implications for you and your relationships with others could be destroyed.

Perhaps you need to tell this person that either they don't do it (whatever it is), or they come clean and tell other people because if they don't, you will.