Struggling to keep a secret..WWYD

[Luanaa]

Obviously I cannot say what the secret is (sorry). All I can say though, is that it involves a relative who is about to make some awful decisions which will most likely go horribly wrong for them, and could possibly cause a lot of hurt to those close to them.

It’s shocking behaviour to be honest but I believe it could (potentially) be prevented if the rest of the family knew and intervened.

However I have been sworn to secrecy and gave my word I wouldn’t say anything to anyone. We are talking about a semi vulnerable person so it’s quite a frightening position for me to be in and definitely easier (but maybe not wiser) to just try to forget about it.

Whilst they are not breaking the law, it’s not something most decent people would dream of doing. It could have a long lasting negative impact on this person and those close to them.

Is anyone able to offer some advice based on little information?! I feel like it’s a huge burden on me.

Morally wrong — what do you mean by that? My evangelical Christian acquaintance would think lots of things are morally wrong ‘especially as a parent’ that I personally wouldn’t describe in that way.

If it’s something like OnlyFans then I would say you need to keep out.

You could also tell the person that the reason you feel that you should tell other family members is because you're concerned about their mental health.

That is what I would do. In the hope that this makes them reconsider.

OP said that it could leave the person with debt so I'm not sure it would be something like that?

Speak to them again. Tell them that this is a burden to you and you don't feel able to keep it to yourself, because of the way it will affect and damage others.

It's important that you tell her that you can't keep it secret, before you tell others. She will probably never tell you anything again, but if you truly believe that her actions will hurt or damage others (or unfortunately damage her... Or both) then you need to take action.

It's a horrible situation to be in. You have my sympathy.

Maybe it’s MLM

If any children will be directly harmed (other harm resulting from their parents seperating) by what this person is planning to do then I think you have the right to act to prevent their harm.

If their potential action will only affect the "adults in the room" then leave well alone.

Well I would still sit down with them and a large piece of paper, and say that you know this is a secret so you've told no one but you can't pretend you are not concerned. And your reasons for being concerned are that you feel they have looked at all the benefits of their decisions but haven't fully considered the potential negatives which are just as valid and necessary to prepare for. You feel it is your duty and their loving friend and confidante to spend time discussing these with them so they have all the information they need before taking action.

Then list the pros and cons. List the what ifs, the best and worst possible scenarios, the 'how would you handle it if...' Ask how they think the children would handle it, if children are involved. Ask if they have asked the children. If for example it is a case of children coming into the mix, e.g. fostering when you don't think the person is capable of fostering, ask how they would cope with a runner, or a self-harmer or an arsonist or a child who got violent etc.

I know so many often very intelligent people who have a fixed idea of what will happen and how others will behave and get totally thrown when things go differently.

If you think real harm could occur, you have to come clean and say you know you were asked to keep this secret and you will honour that in all ways except that it is your duty to tell the relevant professional person (medic/lawyer/social services etc) in order to protect people from harm you foresee occurring due to their decision.

OP I am struggling to think of any advice for you because I can’t conceive of what could be going on.

• Shocking behaviour which will most likely ‘go horribly wrong for them’
• not something a decent person would dream of doing, morally wrong
• the person in question is semi vulnerable (what do you mean?)
• it will have bad financial implications including possible debt
• it will have bad implications on their familial relationships

If you cannot say what it is, can you share why this person wants to do this thing? Is there some sort of other reward? Have they been misled by someone/something online? Do they feel an obligation to someone?

Is it possible they told you because they’re secretly hoping you’ll stop them and/or tell others? Surely they knew you’d be horrified by this shocking, morally wrong action? What reaction did they expect you to have? Do they expect you to be supportive of them?

I think given all you say about this person you have a duty not to collude and keep this secret. You don’t have to tell x, y, or z if they are not materially impacted but you have the right to refuse be held hostage as a secret keeper.

Tell the other spouse what they are about to do - it is not just the other spouse who would be affected, but the children too.

I think you should tell them that you think they're making a huge mistake, it was wrong of them to put this secret on you, and if they insist on going ahead with whatever it is, you will tell the others who will be impacted - their spouse, parents?

It's very unlikely that your relative won't tell others that you knew all along if things blow up in their face, so I think your relationship is doomed either way. Letting the relevant people know in advance sounds like the only way to reduce the fall out.

It sounds like it’s something along the lines of spending money put aside for their kids. Possibly an inheritance that they’re the trustee off or the money from the government child trust fund. If so, it’ll never end well.

Is it running off with Thai bride/ African prince type scenario. Potentially losing a lot of money.

I’m assuming OnlyFans as well.
In which case stay out of it.

Is it sex work?

This does sound like it fits the bill a bit more than OnlyFans.

So scared to say too much as I believe another close relative is active on here

Well your way is clear, OP. Name change and write a thread about it, more explicit than this one. Wait for said relative to find it. Not your fault, you were anonymous! On a large forum! Had no idea...

Really hard to tell what the nature of the secret/confider is hence hard to advise, but I tend to be of the view that if someone has told you 'their' secret, then they've already been unable to keep it so if there's a valid reason not to keep it (i.e. it will do harm), then you're okay to share it. They should have kept the secret to themselves if they wanted nobody to know. They can't go blaming you for sharing it when they shared it in the first place.

Obviously I wouldn't do that with a nice secret or something personal I was told that had no reason to go beyond me, but in the kind of situation you're hinting at, then I wouldn't let it torture me just because the person wanted it to be secret. They shouldn't have put you in that position and if your morality says you need to act, then I believe that's up to your own judgement, not some playground rule of staying schtum.

Do you know their GP? Could it help speaking with them as they would know about the mental health side?

I’m thinking only fans or sex work. But I don’t see how they’re going to be worse off financially. Invest in something dodgy? Drugs maybe?

If children might suffer then you do ANYTHING to stop them suffering.

It is really hard to comment without knowing what it is. If it's clearly something no one in their right mind would do, I would sit down with a relative, explain that you feel morally obligated to tell and that you would never have agreed to keep this secret if you'd known. Then see what they say. I don't think it's fair that they're asking you to keep something truly terrible a secret.

That said I'm actually finding it hard to think of something that would be that morally that terrible but not be illegal. If it's an affair, or Only Fans I would advise the person against it but let them make their own decision and I wouldn't tell. This assumes they have capacity to make their own decisions. I don't condone affairs for example, but if my sister told me she was thinking of having one and made me promise to keep it a secret, I wouldn't feel obliged to tell my parents!

I'm also assuming it's not something that impacts the safety of children (their financial position or a divorce is different) or another (unknowing) person. Eg if there was a plan to leave children at home overnight when I considered they were definitively too young, but it wasn't young enough that it was clearly illegal, I might consider telling. But from what you've said it doesn't sound like anything like that.

I can only think escort work or something like only fans.
Morally wrong, partner and children, won't affect the children...
There's not many avenues left that are legal.

@Luanaa - why does your relative want to, or need to do what they are planning? Whatever it may be.