Struggling to keep a secret..WWYD

[Luanaa]

Obviously I cannot say what the secret is (sorry). All I can say though, is that it involves a relative who is about to make some awful decisions which will most likely go horribly wrong for them, and could possibly cause a lot of hurt to those close to them.

It’s shocking behaviour to be honest but I believe it could (potentially) be prevented if the rest of the family knew and intervened.

However I have been sworn to secrecy and gave my word I wouldn’t say anything to anyone. We are talking about a semi vulnerable person so it’s quite a frightening position for me to be in and definitely easier (but maybe not wiser) to just try to forget about it.

Whilst they are not breaking the law, it’s not something most decent people would dream of doing. It could have a long lasting negative impact on this person and those close to them.

Is anyone able to offer some advice based on little information?! I feel like it’s a huge burden on me.

I know you feel you cannot share what it is but the thing that immediately came to mind is your relative being pregnant by someone who is not their spouse but intending to make out it is his - this is reprehensible behaviour and I wouldn’t be able to keep that secret.
Only fans etc? I’d strongly advise them to be honest but keeping that secret wouldn’t be a burden to me

I think saying to someone that you are going to do something awful that will potentially hurt other people, and then saying 'but you can;t tell anyone' is in itself morally wrong. I would say to them that sorry but I cannot keep this secret, is think what you are doing is wrong, and keeping it a secret would compromise my own integrity.
Secrets aren't sacrosanct. Even priests don't have to keep the confessional confidential if they believe someone is in danger, neither do therapists or doctors. You have to weigh up doing the least amount of harm to the least amount of people.

I would tell because otherwise you are complicit. Your relationship is destroyed anyway because of what they are going to do.
They obviously don’t actually respect you because they wouldn’t have put you in this awful position if they genuinely cared about you.

Anyone who works with children or vulnerable adults knows never to promise to keep a secret. You dint share private information freely, but where there are safeguarding concerns, you are obliged to report to the DSL. In a family situation, I’d be inclined to tell them that the impact on others is so grave that they need to know, then give the person a choice over who tells them. Set a timeframe.

Are they planning to try out Ayahuasca ?
That's the only thing I can think of that ticks all your boxes.

Do you think breaking this person's confidence will result in them being stopped from doing the thing that is wrong/bad? If so then I would tell.

If you don't think anything will stop them, it may be better to keep quiet, tell the person how you feel about what they're doing, and be ready to support and help pick up the pieces when necessary.

You don't have to keep a secret.

If for example someone is vulnerable & being used or gullible & about to use all of the family money for essentially a scam & lose it all surely you would have to seek other help if they won't listen to you?

Another one who innediately thought sex work/Only Fans from what the OP has said.

She said it would have financial implications, not that it would lead to debt. And that could be because of the later information that her husband would leave her and split the family.

If I genuinely believed that I could save someone I cared about by breaking a promise to them, then I think I would trash the friendship to save them. I used to know someone who is a counsellor. She never ever talked about clients but she used to tell me what she would do in various circumstances. Obvs if she was told something dangerous or illegal then she had to tell the relevant authority. If she could she would tell the person that is was she had to do but if she believed that would put her or others at risk then she would tell the authorities without telling the person beforehand. In the should I shouldn't I circs, she said she would say to the person "well you have obviously told me this for a reason, can you tell me (or we need to work out) what you want me to do about it? Because you obviously don't want me to do nothing or you wouldn't have told me" Possibly this approach might work for you?

The issue here is one of capacity op. Do they have capacity to keep themselves safe and understand the consequences? If the answer is no you must inform them why you are unable, on this occasion, to keep this secret, they can then decide if they want to stop/continue knowing others might find out etc.

In summary though:

Stealing of any kind especially from the children - an absolute no

An affair - their choice unless it’s with anyone under age

Only Fans or similar - their choice unless you think they can be taken advantage of potentially

Sex work - their choice to live with the consequences.

Any harm to children - You must report ( unless it’s the natural consequence of divorce and you have already been open about the risks)

At the risk of repeating what others have said I think you need to consider carefully how you can keep this promise. What I mean by this is that you saying that it is likely to go horribly wrong anyway and could cause a lot of hurt. If these are people close to you why would you let that happen?

If it was me I would be saying to the person that whilst I did agree to be sworn to secrecy I actually shouldn't have agreed to that and we have to agree who we tell first. If that person wont tell anyone you should.

I really dont think that you can acknowledge that the person is semi-vulnerable (although not entirely sure what that means as either they have decision making capacity or they dont) and do nothing. If you care about them surely you cant stand by and let them do something that has a long lasting negative impact (your words) on others.

You say that it would definitely be easier to just try and forget about it. Will you not be witnessing the hurt and it going horribly wrong?

You seem to really being saying that you think you should tell someone. I rather think that this needs to be a case of you risking regretting what you do - and the fall out with the person - rather than risking regretting not doing something and having stood by whilst a whole group of people get hurt.

Next time you are asked to keep a secret it might be better to say it depends on what you are going to say - and if you are in danger. It’s easy to agree but much harder to then keep your word now.

@Luanaa
I'd tell and hope for an intervention.
Mine may not be the best advice as I couldn't keep a secret if my life depended on it but seriously, if it involves a vulnerable person and will have consequences I'd definitely tell someone

What's worse OP - them turning their back on you, or the rest of their family/loved ones finding out that you knew and did nothing? Which decision is likely to have the biggest effect on your life....

What will the fall out be when people find out you knew and didn’t say anything? Would that be worse than not saying anything now?

Snap! Great minds …

If it’s something that the other parent would feel so strongly about that they would divorce your relative, I would seriously think about telling them.

If your relative was single with no dependents, I’d feel differently. But when a partner and children are involved, the implications are wider and more serious, especially when you say there are financial implications. These will surely affect the partner and children, not just your relative.

Like other people have said, it’s hard to give advice without knowing more.

@Luanaa

So, I'm going off the facts that this 'action' will;

"have financial implications"
"would heavily impact relationships with various other family members"
(and)
"the other parent would leave and they’d divorce straight away"

Which would definitely impact their children.

If it would only impact her, I could probably overlook any 'moral implications' and figure she was entitled to do whatever she chose, no matter how ill advised. But that is not the case. Innocent people will be hurt.

So in this case, I'm afraid that I'd have to go with 'the needs of the many outweigh the need of the few' (or 'the one'), and I'd tell someone. If it destroyed our relationship but saved innocent people I'd consider it a fair trade off. I couldn't carry on my conscience that I didn't do all I could to stop her.

I'd start by telling her that I know I promised but that I can't keep that promise any longer because what she's doing will hurt people that I also love. Then I'd tell someone. I'd either tell someone 'closer' to her that might have more influence or I'd tell her spouse.

I'm sorry you're stuck in this situation.

Definitely sounds like it to me.

It’s all a bit vague to give advice if we don’t have any idea what kind of situation the person who has asked you to keep a secret is in.
If it’s a secret at the moment then even if a family member was on MN, they wouldn’t know you were talking about another person in the family!

The only thing I can think of is sex work?

In which case, the children aren’t at risk (presumably). Now if it’s OF or any sort on online content, then yes, I think it’s an issue because it sucks for the children when/if someone tells them. And the internet is forever.

I agree with you to some extent BUT "semi-vulnerable" doesn't sound to me as if it means "unable to make decisions in their own interest" much beyond the usual extent we all have (I just ordered through Just Eat despite being on a roll with losing weight!). I think it's really difficult but: if someone promises not to tell others, and the course of action is legal, I think they should keep shtum. But, I don't think it's at all definite!

This. It's too late now but if someone says "promise me you won't tell anyone" you have to say "erm, well, it depends .. if it affects someone else I might have to, do you want to tell me anyway and then we will have to decide?" They will then either tell you or not.

You might be dying to know but at least you are then not burdened with a heavy secret, the way you are now. Or they might decide to tell you anyway, and at least you've forewarned them that you have to disclose/you are not breaking a promise.

By "semi-vulnerable" do you mean they have a low IQ?

Is it someone who is about to father a child to help a same sex couple? This would very much affect the children he has now, and I think I'd have to tell his wife.

OnlyFans? - I'd stay out of it.

Have you told your relative that you’re horrified by their decision? And that it’s morally wrong? If you have, how did they react?
Are they completely aware of the potential fallout if they go ahead? And that there would be no chance of salvaging anything (as it appears from your OP)?

It sounds a lot like they’ve gotten into hot water doing something online, maybe a gambling debt or meeting someone.

I think all you can do is have another stab at the reasons why their decision would be life-changing for everyone concerned, and that they’d likely cause unrecoverable upset and hurt to the people they’ve loved.