Struggling to keep a secret..WWYD

[Luanaa]

Obviously I cannot say what the secret is (sorry). All I can say though, is that it involves a relative who is about to make some awful decisions which will most likely go horribly wrong for them, and could possibly cause a lot of hurt to those close to them.

It’s shocking behaviour to be honest but I believe it could (potentially) be prevented if the rest of the family knew and intervened.

However I have been sworn to secrecy and gave my word I wouldn’t say anything to anyone. We are talking about a semi vulnerable person so it’s quite a frightening position for me to be in and definitely easier (but maybe not wiser) to just try to forget about it.

Whilst they are not breaking the law, it’s not something most decent people would dream of doing. It could have a long lasting negative impact on this person and those close to them.

Is anyone able to offer some advice based on little information?! I feel like it’s a huge burden on me.

So they haven’t actually done it yet?

I would tell them that although I would keep the secret I would have to distance myself because whatever they’re doing goes completely against my principles and that you’d like them to think again.

Are they planning on doing onlyfans or sex work?
If it is that then I'd say you shouldn't tell. It would be worse for them if it came out but potentially doesn't 'need' to be known by other family members. Some things about people's lives can stay private. At least you should keep it quiet. If may well come out organically.

you Could tell ChatGPT the truth and have it outline the possible implications then send that to your relative

and also ask it to outline sharing and non sharing possible outcomes.

that might help you decide.

(I don’t care about the energy implication of using ChatGPT so don’t bother derailing the thread with any moral bollocks)

I'd tell them that they were putting me in an impossible and unfair situation with this "secret" so I would be unable to keep it from the rest of the family if they looked like being so daft as to go ahead with the plan.

It’s surely cheating? I don’t think OnlyFans is as reprehensible to any normal person as the OP is making out (and if it is then OP is overreacting her more compass isn’t the definitive one).

Cheating on the other hand is wrong by the majority of people’s standards as it’s betraying trust and lying to someone you supposedly love - and that’s hard to square away morally.

If it is cheating, it should go in the not your business bucket. Tell the relative all the things you think about why they shouldn’t do it. If they still do it then I can’t see how you telling someone else would stop it.

Never ever agree to keeping a secret until you know what it is. It puts you in a compromising position.

If you have serious concerns ring social services safeguarding team for advice.

If their actions are leaving them (if they are vulnerable) and or their children vulnerable, discuss it with social services. They can advise.
What are the rest of the family going to be able to do? Bully them into not doing the thing? That's a shit outcome all round. Let the professionals deal with it

I’ve just read the ‘let them theory’ by Mel robins- essentially you can influence decisions, but you are not in control of this persons life so you have to ‘let them’ if they so wish to blow up their life… I think in influencing could you have more discussions, highlight the actual consequences you are worried about, say they should get further advice from someone who has experience in the issue, or say it’s such a big thing you’d like to bring someone else trusted from the family in to chat it through to spread the load on your shoulders as it is a really difficult position for you to be in alone.

the only time I would intervene is something that was actually dangerous/cause harm to children, but at the end of they day IF they have capacity to choose this is the right thing for them then AND understand what the results will likely be there is very little you can do to stop them. If you choose to tell the secret I would pre-warn the person and explain why you feel the need to bring it out in the open- not as a threat- you have to actually have decided to go through with it but that in itself might be a reality check?

would you still be there to support them if they went through with whatever it is and when it all blows up??

Where will you end up in all of this @Luanaa ?

You say you'll no doubt lose your family member if you tell, but will you lose a load more if you don't? Honestly, I'd consider how they might throw you under the bus when it all comes out.

I’ve had a family member tell me about their affair.

I was sworn to secrecy to not tell a soul. I was the only one they trusted.

I felt awful. Both for my family member and their spouse.

I felt guilty. Felt like I should have told the spouse that “THEY’RE CHEATING ON YOU”. It kept me awake some nights. I even met their affair partner in the pub, so knew it was true.

However their messy marriage was not my business.

I’m assuming this secret isn’t your business either.

You either have to:

• Really keep it a secret. Try and not think about it for your own conscience. Even speak to a therapist about it if you have to. Or the Samaritans etc.
• Tell someone. And suffer the consequences or fall out or chaos that might happen.

I think you sounds quite dramatic in your post OP so my morally wrong and your morally wrong might differ significantly. And your understanding of vulnerable and my understanding of vulnerable might differ significantly. From this point of view it’s difficult to give you an advice without at least some details. Maybe you are overthinking the situation?
You are on anonymous forum. Change your name, make another clear thread and people will help you.

"well you have obviously told me this for a reason, can you tell me (or we need to work out) what you want me to do about it"

I think that's an excellent next conversation. If it doesn't result in a solution, that's where you say that you don't feel able to keep the secret any more.

How would the rest of the family react when they find out you knew and did nothing?

Is it just other family you're supposed to keep the secret from? If they are vulnerable, could you stop them from doing the thing by "reporting" it rather than just blabbing, so to speak - e.g. to police, a social worker, GP etc? And if so would that be less unacceptable to them, because it would be different from "everyone knowing"?

An affair, perhaps with someone unsuitable?Difficult position to put you in. You say you have tried to talk them out of this situation but they won’t listen. Try one more to
e pointing out all of the issues that will happen then leave them to it.

Although you don’t want to say what the secret is, can you elaborate why they are semi-vulnerable?
Because that would be my decider on what I would do in your shoes.
In some situations you need to let people make their own decisions, but in other situations it would be best to intervene.

As a PP said, if it affects the children, you need to speak up.

Update: I have messaged said person. I told them that it will remain a secret but explained in detail my feelings, the implications it may have, etc.

There are two parts to their bad idea, which is kinda why it’s a double blow for those around them who could be impacted.

I apologize for not giving much away, but as you can imagine the paranoia in me won’t let me. It has been killing me all day so instead of letting it take over my life, I am going to stay out of it now (not saying that is the right decision). But based on their reply to my message a short while ago, they appreciate my concerns but have made their mind up and just wants it to remain firmly between us, or like the conversation never even happened. I think for my own sanity I will just try to block it out from now on.

Thank you for your replies.

It’s just that the other parent would leave and they’d divorce straight away.

So you're happy to lie to the 'other parent'?
I think that's completely out of order.

What ever it is, if the other parent would leave, then the only decent thing to do is to tell the owner of the secret that they must tell the other parent or you will.

Wow. Big dilemma.

Usually, if someone confides in me, I tell no one. Literally no one. No judgement. No unsolicited advice.

But if someone told me they were planning to do something that was morally repugnant, would end a relationship and thereby change the course of children’s lives, as well as result in lots of debt, I’d be very torn.

Especially if I wasn’t sure if their mental health was shaky: they literally weren’t in their right mind. Otherwise, in years to come when they were well again, they might say: “Why didn’t you stop me”.

You have to set your own moral boundary, as only you are in full possession of the facts and nuances.

I think I’d try to persuade them not to do it one last time. I’d say I had no choice but to say something to others to stop them making a terrible mistake. I’d prefer not to breach their confidence, so would prefer them not to do it. But if I thought they were going ahead, I’d try to stop them by any means I could. I’d say I felt it was because they weren’t thinking straight, I felt a moral obligation to protect others as well as the person involved. And I hoped they’d understand why I have to do it.

A breach of trust is less of a breach of trust if it’s to protect people from harm and you’ve warned you’re going to do it.

If they’re remortgaging their house to put all the money on a horse, I hope they’ll give you a big cut of the winnings if it doesn’t all go horribly wrong.

Imo, wrong decision
PLEASE never agree to keep a secret again

You can’t block it out. If it all goes wrong, you’ll torture yourself knowing you could possibly have stopped it. It’s also possible that the person who told you this secret will blame you too (“Why didn’t you stop me? Why didn’t you say something? You knew my MH wasn’t great and you let me do this thing…etc).

I have no idea what the secret is but I’d be tempted to tell someone close to the person, but not too close, so that they can give their opinion too. If you know details of what the person is planning, you could tell those to the person you confide in so that they can pretend they found out independently.

If what the person is going to do is really going to hurt somebody, I’d be telling that person. Wouldn’t you want the same done for you if someone knew something that was going to hurt you/damage your life?

I think they have been incredibly unfair to put this on you. If a child is going to suffer then I feel you have a duty to stop whatever it is.

On your head be it then. When the shit hits the fan (and it will) don't be surprised if you are blamed equally (if not more) for her actions by those impacted because you knew and didn't warn them.

And don't think for a second that she won't say "Well Luanaa knew and she didn't tell me not to".