Struggling to keep a secret..WWYD

[Luanaa]

Obviously I cannot say what the secret is (sorry). All I can say though, is that it involves a relative who is about to make some awful decisions which will most likely go horribly wrong for them, and could possibly cause a lot of hurt to those close to them.

It’s shocking behaviour to be honest but I believe it could (potentially) be prevented if the rest of the family knew and intervened.

However I have been sworn to secrecy and gave my word I wouldn’t say anything to anyone. We are talking about a semi vulnerable person so it’s quite a frightening position for me to be in and definitely easier (but maybe not wiser) to just try to forget about it.

Whilst they are not breaking the law, it’s not something most decent people would dream of doing. It could have a long lasting negative impact on this person and those close to them.

Is anyone able to offer some advice based on little information?! I feel like it’s a huge burden on me.

I can be as tight mouthed as an oyster about peoples personal confidences, but if it could impact on a child, no way. The old "good secrets" "bad secrets" children are rightly taught has meaning in adult life, too.

You will get blamed when it goes pearshaped, just be aware of that.

I'm not at all sure I would feel bound by any agreement to keep secret something that I know to be morally wrong, You didn't ask to be told this secret, after all. By imposing that on you, your friend is drawing you Into her planned actions and clearly you cannot let that happen. Face it, when all this goes wrong, friend will be saying that you knew and didn't stop her or warn anyone, so she thought you agreed with her.

When I’m asked can I keep a secret I always say “depends what it is”, which doesn’t make me very popular but many years ago I promised without knowing and immediately once I knew went bat shit crazy and told everyone. I could have taken out an ad in the local rag and told less people. I did the right thing but it wasn’t a fun time for anyone, including those i involved.

My thing with secrets is it depends on the consequences. If I keep quiet and someone who got off with their boss at an office party keeps their family together after a drunken snog? Fine, Im quiet. Im not agreeing it’s ok either but I’m not making drama or ruining families.
You tell me your husband is beating you or molesting your DC? Im at the police station quicker than your sentence ends. (that was the situation where I sang like a canary)

Im thinking this is either sex work or drugs, tell the person that you want to help them make safe choices and you can do that but can’t support them with anything that goes against your moral compass or the law. Nobody has to keep a secret to the detriment of their own MH.

If you don't say anything and they go ahead this sounds bad enough to destroy your relationship anyway? And possibly that with the rest of your family when they find out you knew in advance

I actually think you are wrong to try and bury this OP.

If the person concerned didn't want anyone to know, they shouldn't have told you, and burdened you with THEIR plans. I think the right thing to do, is to chose the most trustworthy person among those involved, and share the secret with them.

If someone were to tell you that they were going to commit a burglary, and they were going to take a gun or a knife, but didn't plan to use it, even if there was a good chance that there might be people in the house, who could get hurt, you wouldn't keep quiet, would you?

The fact is, from the little you've told us, you've indicated that others as well as the person who confided in you will get hurt, so why would you keep it to yourself? This is totally different to telling you that they've won the lottery, but asking you not to tell anyone, as in that case, no one would get hurt, but anything where someone is likely to get hurt, due to keeping a secret, then I think the secret should be shared, and further advice taken.

I actually think that you should tell other relevant relatives about this secret as you’re acting in her best interest and potentially preventing her from ruining her life and those around her including the children. It’s selfish to keep the secret in this instance as your inaction is just as bad as her poor, morally corrupt actions. Technically you’re guilty by omission as you’re standing by allowing this to unfold.

If there nothing you can do to change the person's mind then so be it.

But if they go through with it what, if any will be the implications for you?
As in purely because you knew about it beforehand will there be any come back on you from relatives for not mentioning it?

watch Mel Robbins ‘let them’ and stand back, you have said your piece and you have done all you can. The rest is now up to them.

This was exactly my thought. Pregnant and lying about who the father is.

Maybe, but it's better to do the right thing than the popular thing.

This, basically you are saying this person and their (selfish and irresponsible?) decisions are more important than anyone else, including a child.
Am also thinking it's to do with finances, the spending of a trust fund or something that they promise they'll pay back before dc is 18....

I feel very strongly about privacy and confidentiality. But even I think you've made the wrong decision @Luanaa .

Not only are you not preventing this damaging thing from going ahead, when it all goes pear shaped she is guaranteed to throw you under the bus and tell everyone that you knew. And that is going to be devastating for you.

I really hope I'm wrong, but the odds are beyond tiny that she will respect your privacy as you have respected hers. When she feels others wrath, she will try to defend herself by using the fact that you knew and didn't do anything. You know this.

At the heart of this, OP , you might be able to; either help/?hinder/possibly prevent this ‘situation’, or, sit back watch it all unfold & make innocent parties unhappy (or worse).
Which do you want to have to look back at when you’re older?

And the right thing to do, when innocent people will be impacted, is to protect those people by preventing someone from doing something stupid. And if preventing them means betraying a confidence, so be it.

And if that doesn't stop them, then at least the people impacted will be forewarned.

I'd certainly want to know if someone's actions were going to impact me, especially financially.

So you can't be trusted to keep a secret when you've promised to. OK. That doesn't make it right, despite what you think.

I can be trusted to keep a secret because those who know me know that there are certain secrets I won't keep so they wouldn't tell me in the first place.

Planning a surprise party? No problem. Want to wait to reveal a pregnancy? My lips are sealed.

You're cheating on your spouse? Running up debt? Making a stupid decision that may ruin other lives? Nope. Not gonna keep those secrets so don't tell me. And that IS the right thing to do.

I feel that someone who would 'keep a secret' that could end up costing me my peace, happiness, and financial security is the untrustworthy one. Because they can't be trusted to care enough about those they purport to love.

I mean, you're actually saying "Everyone knows I'm untrustworthy so they don't tell me anything important". Again, fine, but it doesn't make it right. If someone doesn't take promises seriously they are less of a person in my view.

You read whatever you want into my words, it really doesn't mean a thing to me. If you want to twist them to justify you keeping secrets that harm others, fine. You do you.

I know I have no such secrets for others to keep so I don't have to worry about someone spilling my beans. Nor am I keeping a secret that might destroy the life of someone I hold dear. My conscience is clear.

If this thing is as bad as you say then I'd break the confidence. That's not something I'd ever do lightly though.

If you break the confidence the person who told you will ge furious, they may never speak to you again. Weigh that up against the heartbreak and repercussions if you allow them to go ahead. And also the repercussions with other family members of they find out later that you knew

It's a horrible situation but I'd say speaking up is the right thing to do

You sound to caught up in someone else's life. Sworn to secrecy. Why don't u just keep your nose out and get on with your own family

If its suicide, please help them. If your family find out they will blame you forever and will implicate you. You're not bound by law to keep the secret and if it helps the children do what you morally should do.

Unless you are under professional obligation to keep the secret, you need to behave morally.
You have to live with yourself, not your relative.

Do what is most fair to all concerned.
Your friend has not treated you fairly at all.

If something will implode the marriage and affect their spouse so much there will also be ripples reaching much further out.

If this person is thinking of taking their own life please, please speak to another family member. We have experienced this in our family and the hurt, disbelief and guilt feelings linger on forever.... ..

Depends where your morals lay really if you can sit back and watch a family member do that to anyone and then when it all comes out, sit back play dumb until the rest of your family know you let it happen then personally would prefer to lose one wrongun than a family network. Unless you are set to gain from this by keeping quiet or if not what's so appealing that you'd choose to protect what sounds like scum instead of innocent kids and a person that don't have full capacity to realise whats going to happen to this vp. No brainer get a backbone and tell the people that count. No wonder this worlds so screwed up protecting scum

Rereading your posts, the fact that you describe your friend as vulnerable and of unknown mental health means that you should spill the beans.
Assist others close to her to help her out.
Help your friend choose a better path and to receive proper phychological care.

Your friend is presumably not worthless to you.
And whatever worth she is to you she is worth one hundred times more to her husband and children.