DS released from prison and partner doesn't want him back here

[StuckInbetween]

Not sure what I’m looking for really, just feel like I’m stuck and it’s all getting on top of me. DS (20) got out a few weeks ago on licence after serving half his sentence – 6 years for GBH with intent (s18 I think), was a bad assault, he was off his head on drink and drugs. Pleaded guilty straight away, no messing, but the judge said it was serious and gave him a long one. He’d been in and out of trouble before that too, was already known to police.

Me and his dad split when he was a baby – his dad was abusive towards me, DS saw more than he should’ve. When he hit teenage years, he went completely off the rails, ended up going to live with his dad cos I couldn’t manage him. He started using, drinking, getting arrested. It all just spiralled. He once hit me when I wouldn’t give him money – he was properly messed up then, I didn’t even recognise him.

Now he’s out, staying in a hostel, got a curfew 7pm to 7am, tag on his leg, has to do weekly probation check-ins and random drug tests. Says he’s clean right now – I want to believe him but I’m scared to. Probation said he’s high risk of reoffending, they were straight with me about it.

I met up with him few days ago and he looked tired, like properly drained. Said he’s got no one, that he’s wrecked everything, kept saying he wanted to go back inside cos at least he knows what to expect there. Asked why I even still care.

Truth is, I want him to come back here. I want to give him one proper chance, let him know someone still believes in him. But my partner (we’ve got a 3yo DS now) is having none of it. Says he doesn’t want him in the house, doesn’t trust him not to go back to old ways, especially round the little one. It’s causing tension at home, I get where he’s coming from but I just feel stuck in the middle.

I don’t know what to do. I’m scared if I say no and push him away again, he’ll go off the rails completely and I’ll lose him for good. But if I bring him back and something goes wrong, it could mess up everything here.

I know I'm probably BU

I don't think your DP is right to say you shouldn't meet up with him or you are being soft. Yes maintain appropriate boundaries - he can't move in with you, you should be extremely wary about giving him money to live on or doing too much for him, and the 3yo needs to be shielded from all this including any fallout e.g. don't let DS use your address for anything. But he is still your son and if you want to support him (emotionally and in some practical ways which don't result in dependency) then I think you absolutely should. It probably makes sense to seek some support yourself from a charity which helps relatives of addicts - that will probably help you draw up suitable boundaries where you can and can't help him.

IMO it would be really helpful to get him screened for ADHD if that is a possibility at all - have a listen to some of the interviews Sarah Templeton has done on podcasts e.g. The Hidden 20% one was good, they interviewed an ex inmate as well.

She reckons something like 85% of the prison population have ADHD (official estimates are lower, 25%, but still much much higher than the general population which is more like 3-5%). The reason that you want to know if he has ADHD is because a lot of people with ADHD struggle with addiction, especially if they haven't been identified and treated in childhood, but medicating the ADHD has a huge effect on helping people stay clean. It can also cause impulsive behaviour which has obvious concerns relating to probation, and it causes difficulties with maintaining everyday routines, organisation and generally having your shit together as an adult, which is basically what is overwhelming him now. Again medication helps with both issues. Obviously he is in a genuinely hard position and anyone would struggle in that scenario, but if he does have ADHD then it will be even harder for him and if there is medication or info which will help I would want him to have the best chance of accessing that.

The fact the probation team put him at an extremely high chance of reoffending makes me think this needs to be first priority since it's a rather high likelihood even if it's "only" 25% and the difference (esp with everything else on his plate) between medicated vs untreated ADHD are huge. So if you are going to throw money at anything (if indeed you have money to throw) - put it into private assessment, including the medication titration process if it turns out he has it. After titration (finding the right dose) is over he can take it back to his GP. Waiting for NHS assessment takes longer. If he was ever diagnosed earlier in life he might be able to use that record but some people have been told if they are diagnosed as a child (under 18) they have to be assessed again as an adult because of the fact some people grow out of it.

Sarah has some books, I don't know if they are any good for this scenario. She also runs a charity which he might be able to access some support through - here https://www.adhdliberty.org/teens-in-trouble/

Forget what should/would/could have been done in the past. You don't have a time machine so aside from if you wanted to talk to him about it, I would focus on what you can do now to help him (without losing too much of yourself or putting your other child at risk) and not dwell too much on what might have happened if you'd done some other thing.

It's fashionable to categorise people according to their worst action and " cancel " anyone who has done a thing that crosses over a subjective line.
Not sure what the point is of discussing the nature of the offense. It happened and can't be undone but life does not end there.

OP, he's your son and you are doing a good thing by not turning your back on him. For what it's worth, while I agree eith your OH that he shouldn't come to live with you, I do hink your OH was unkind to refuse to visit in prison and incredibly unfair to expect you not to visit him now.
He may be worried you'll end up hurt or manipulated but that's why he needs to be there to support you.

I think you’ll find it easier to provide consistent support if he’s living elsewhere, you’re going to need somewhere to ‘escape’ the pressure of trying to support him. You’re going to need your DP’s support as well because this is going to be tough and I get why he’ll feel it’s pointless. Try and get him to see that as a mother it’s hard to back away. If you can get some counselling support take it.

I suggest you block out a time to see your son regularly and stick to that, don’t take DS2. Set some ground rules/boundaries, make them clear and stick to them. Any violence towards you, tell him you will stop seeing him for your safety.

Limit how much time on the phone with him outside of those meetings, this is to preserve your energy. This is going to be tough and may take a long time, none of the problems are going to get solved quickly so don’t try and solve them all at once. Find out why exactly his probation officer thinks high risk of reoffending and what he thinks priorities are.

Try not to dwell on what’s done, your mental health needs looking after.

I wish you well, this is going to be hard and you may not be able to help him.

There are charities out there that can help you

lots of people who come out of prison want to go back in because of the stability type thing

you can get him help there.

You can get him a flat close by to you and help him with the rent. You could meet him most days for an hour. You could cook him a nice meal. You can't invite him into your home with a 3 year old. You know this deep down but your DS is your baby too. I'd ask DH to help you to support your dsby providing him with somewhere safe to live and going to see him and cooking him a lovely meal.

I agree with so many other posters that your house is not where he should be, you have to protect your youngest child and your partner has the right to decide that he doesn’t feel comfortable with someone with your sons history of drug, violence and emotional difficulties living in the same house as him.

Your son went into prison very young, he is going to have a lot to learn and need a lot of support to develop the skills he needs to live a productive and successful life. There are lots of small things you can do to help that which could have a big impact.

Does he know how to cook basic cheap meals, does he have access to the tools to make them (air fryer, microwave, slow cooker), does he know how to budget and manage meal plans and food shopping, does he know how to keep on top of dentist, medical appointments, can he write a CV and complete a job application, sort out a library card, register at the doctors, apply for photo ID, set up bank accounts, find free or funded training opportunities, is he setup via the job centre with any employability or life skills courses, are there charities or schemes in the area that could help him to find an employer willing to take on someone with a criminal record.

While you are working with him on things like the above, you can demonstrate to your partner that your son is willing and eager to do well, that he is trying (if he does actually try) and over time hopefully your partner will start to develop a little trust in your son. That may develop over time into being willing to meet with him, to be confident that he can be part of your youngest child’s life, but it will and should be something that slowly builds.

Why did you write that? You do know that OP's son is no longer in prison. The important thing now, is to stop him reoffending.

He needs somewhere like this place, or even to go to this place which is in Berkshire. Look into residential recovery places or apply to this one.

yeldall.org.uk/our-services/#apply

Because there is a lot of naivety on here and denial .
the OP can’t help him find a nice flat. The nature of the offence is that he is in approved premises and on licence , hence why I have linked to info on the crime.

i am well aware he is not in prison . But he is on license and so could be recalled if he broke the conditions .
It’s approved premises , not a hostel.
GBH with intent is very serious and it’s likely there have been other offences leading up to it. It’s not a punch up .

so it is relevant as it determines what his situation is on release.

She can’t get him a flat. He will be on license and it’s approved premises, not a hostel. He can’t just leave . There are conditions imposed.

I get it. Teen did a bad thing, must have ADHD.
Is there any behaviour not covered by it?

Obviously he can’t come home. If he had a proven track record of good behaviour than it might be safe to retry living together.

How can you help him? Give him your time and advocate for him. Help him find a job, training, hobbies. Find a reformed criminal through a charity to mentor him.

Your DS 20 years old was unfortunate to have an abusive father and this will have contributed to where he is now.

You cannot risk exposing your DS 3 years old to something similar. Your 3yr old needs you to protect him. Not put him in danger.

He is your child but he is a grown man who has to live in the consequences of his crimes. Your 3 yo is an innocent baby and the worst thing you can do is move a violent, unstable and depressed criminal drug addict into your home. I’m glad your partner is being clear sighted here. Absolutely not. You need to teach your adult son how to cope as an independent person, and not think that somehow ‘a second chance’ at family life is going to solve already deeply embedded problems.

OP, I am not sure this forum is the best place to get advice on this issue. In my experience the vastajority of posters take an extremely hard line regarding law breaking and will essentially your son as some kind of demon, and a complete lost cause.

But he isn't. He is human and YOJR CHILD.

Offenders can rehabilitate, of course they can. They have the best chance of doing so when surrounded by family. I speak from experience - my father had been in prison twice before I had born. He because and still is a much loved family man due to the love and support of his family and friends.

I obviously am not in a position to comment on your son as an individual, and whether he would or would not pose a risk to you and your younger child. But I am sure there are professionals you can week advice from on this. His probation officer might be a good place to start.

Whatever the decision, please do not allow any prejudice on your partner's part to prevent you being an active force for good in your son's life. If it is safe for him to live with you that's brilliant, if not, maybe look at other alternatives for supporting him closely.

Are there any other family members he could lice with for example - any without young children?

If I was in your position and my daughter has offended as yours has, been inside and been released, I would passionately want my daughter to live with me and move heaven and earth to make it so. But if I couldn't because I was convinced that would put another of my children at risk (if I had rhemt, I would ask my own mother and father to step in and offer her a home, which I know they would, pretty much whatever my daughter had done.

You can’t with a 3 year old OP. But can you work with his probation to find him somewhere that’s decent and not likely to get him into temptation and support him with work.

invite him round to lunches and dinners etc. he is an adult he will hopefully understand your wariness. You Can be a support to him
without moving him in

a lot of addicts and mental suffered say they get the most help in prison as they have a ready support / therapy group system and 24/7 healthcare. having to navigate the nhs and waiting lists can be a massive barrier to sainting their sobriety and mental stability.

that’s how you can help, along with PO making sure he attends group and his appointments and getting a job so he feels like he has use and value.

Trauma presents in a similar way to ADHD, it’s quite interesting as a topic. But there are huge numbers of prisoners with additional needs (and traumatic experiences). I don’t think the poster is using this as an excuse, she’s just pointing out that as part of setting OP’s child up for the best chance of success, it’s worth exploring any support needs.

I agree with PP you can't have him back home. Although I do feel for you as he is your son after all it must be extremely hard. But you need to protect your youngest now.

However, I have to say - if the probation officer feels he is at serious risk of reoffending why did the prison system let him out after only completing half of his sentence, clearly before he was ready. Surely that is just setting him up for failure.

I have not been in your shoes so cannot comment from a position of any authority. I would say though how can anyone redeem themselves and change if they are not given a chance. The odds may not be in your/his corner but surely to try must be worth it. How to reconcile this with your partner and son - is there a route via counseling or advisors from probation? Sorry if this sounds naive but I get your instincts and support them - but perhaps only once on release, not repeatedly

I wouldn’t think twice about it.
He’s my child and I would have him back in a heartbeat.

I would have strict boundaries and rules and tell him that any issues he’d be straight out.

But he was a teenager that learnt his behaviour from his parents, his role models.
It was inevitable that he would have some sort of issues.

He has now grown up and paid the price for his actions.
He’s young enough that he still has a chance to turn his life around but he needs support.

I’m not saying hell now be perfectly behaved, he’s still young but I would judge him on his actions since his release and going forward.
Not his actions from when he was a teen.

I don’t think I could live with myself if I didn’t give my boy a second chance when he most needed it.. I understand you have your little
one to consider too, so be very upfront with your 20 year old and set firm boundaries. But yeah, he needs his mum ❤️

I’m sorry to say it but you have to prioritise your 3 year old now. You can still support your older son.

The time to prioritise him would have been not to let him go and live with his abusive dad, sadly. Though he sounded like he was a challenge to deal with.

Thanks everyone for the replies, I really do appreciate them. I’ve had a proper think tonight and I’m not gonna bring up him moving back here. It’s not the right time and it’s not fair on DS2 or DP, I know that deep down. I still want to be there for him though – I’ve decided I’m gonna try see him most days even if it’s just for an hour, take him for a walk or coffee or do his food shop with him. He doesn’t have any mates anymore and I think he’s keeping to himself in that hostel, I don’t want him to be completely isolated.

If he stays on the right path and shows he’s really changed, then later down the line I’d like to help him get better housing. Somewhere safe and more stable. I want to believe he can turn it round.