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Original poster

DS released from prison and partner doesn't want him back here

244 replies

StuckInbetween · 20/05/2025 16:53

Not sure what I’m looking for really, just feel like I’m stuck and it’s all getting on top of me. DS (20) got out a few weeks ago on licence after serving half his sentence – 6 years for GBH with intent (s18 I think), was a bad assault, he was off his head on drink and drugs. Pleaded guilty straight away, no messing, but the judge said it was serious and gave him a long one. He’d been in and out of trouble before that too, was already known to police.

Me and his dad split when he was a baby – his dad was abusive towards me, DS saw more than he should’ve. When he hit teenage years, he went completely off the rails, ended up going to live with his dad cos I couldn’t manage him. He started using, drinking, getting arrested. It all just spiralled. He once hit me when I wouldn’t give him money – he was properly messed up then, I didn’t even recognise him.

Now he’s out, staying in a hostel, got a curfew 7pm to 7am, tag on his leg, has to do weekly probation check-ins and random drug tests. Says he’s clean right now – I want to believe him but I’m scared to. Probation said he’s high risk of reoffending, they were straight with me about it.

I met up with him few days ago and he looked tired, like properly drained. Said he’s got no one, that he’s wrecked everything, kept saying he wanted to go back inside cos at least he knows what to expect there. Asked why I even still care.

Truth is, I want him to come back here. I want to give him one proper chance, let him know someone still believes in him. But my partner (we’ve got a 3yo DS now) is having none of it. Says he doesn’t want him in the house, doesn’t trust him not to go back to old ways, especially round the little one. It’s causing tension at home, I get where he’s coming from but I just feel stuck in the middle.

I don’t know what to do. I’m scared if I say no and push him away again, he’ll go off the rails completely and I’ll lose him for good. But if I bring him back and something goes wrong, it could mess up everything here.

I know I'm probably BU

OP posts:
sprigatito · 20/05/2025 20:46

I think you need a frank conversation with your dp so you can agree on a fair approach, rather than being at odds over this. You should agree that DS1 can’t live at home because it isn’t in DS2’s best interests, and your dp should agree that cutting DS1 off altogether is too much to ask of you. You can decide how best to support him where he is, and dp should support you in doing that. He made some serious fuck-ups and paid the price - now he needs to rebuild his life and his confidence, and he will need love and support to do that. There’s plenty you can do to be there for him without having him live with you.

VivaDixie · 20/05/2025 20:49

OP I can't get past this:

I was his only visitor, and I know he was waiting on those visits. We’d write sometimes too but it’s not the same, is it. I kept telling myself I’d go the next week, then the next, but time just got away from me and I was pulled in so many directions.

He needs therapy. No matter what he has done (and I completely agree it sounds extremely violent - i am by no means minimising this), you now have time to repair the damage done in his childhood and also that done by rarely visiting him. You sound so blase about it 'time just got away from me' - really? Did it?

Moving on - I agree with everyone that he can't move in, he can't subject your youngest to the same childhood he had. Speak to his probation officer, help him find accommodation and a job, and both of you get therapy.

Hollietree · 20/05/2025 20:51

You must see this as a chance to do better for DS2. His elder brother could become the bad role model in his life, just like the Father was to DS1. Do you want this whole scenario played out again and again……. or do you want a better future for DS2 and to break the cycle?

You can be a supportive Mum to DS1 away from the home. Text him every day, meet up with him as often as you can, let him know you love him and are there for him. Give him time to prove that he is stable, clean and keeping away from trouble (maintained for a long period of time) before thinking about bringing him into DS1’s life. Working hard to be a better person in order to meet his little brother could be the driving force he needs to better his life.

TheHerboriste · 20/05/2025 20:52

Totally agree, @VivaDixie

I can’t get past that either. People treat dogs and livestock better.

Caplin · 20/05/2025 20:55

This is really hard, but you can’t have him back. You can try and be there and support him, but he can’t come home. My brother was an addict. He was allowed in the family home with my very young nephews (they were living with my dad after escaping an abusive relationship). It was traumatic for them. I wish my dad had been stronger. They were exposed to drugs, drug rages, their safety was endangered.

sorry, but you know what the right thing is, but you DS can’t come home and endanger your youngest.

TheJinxMinx · 20/05/2025 20:56

There's no reason why he can't call round and visit but I wouldn't let him move back into your home. If he proves after a few years and stays clean and straightens up thats different but its far too soon. I'm sorry OP it must be awful please don't feel as though you are trying to choose between 2 children, one is now an adult and u have tried all u can. You can still be in his life just not living together. Speaking from experience if he moves back in he will lose his hostel place. If he kicks off again or starts using he will likely start threatening u in ur own home. Ur young dc could witness violence. You will have social services crawling all over u and then when u ring the police they will say he cannot return to the property and will be homeless with no guaranteed hostel bed. Hes safe were he is for now try and build the relationship if you want but do not let him move back in

VivaDixie · 20/05/2025 20:58

TheHerboriste · 20/05/2025 20:52

Totally agree, @VivaDixie

I can’t get past that either. People treat dogs and livestock better.

I know - I have a DS who is 16 next month - I literally couldn't comprehend abandoning him and 'letting time run away with me' no matter what he has done.
Again - not minimising this - he would be in no doubt about my feelings on the matter but he is my son.

Braygirlnow · 20/05/2025 20:59

You can still help him even if not having him in your home, help him look for apartment and encourage him to do a course/appentaship. If he can stay on straight and narrow you can start to trust him but he has to build that trust. Good luck Op.

MILLYmo0se · 20/05/2025 21:04

Tbh I doubt you even have a say in this, surely his probation officer and social services would give a blanket no to this idea?

MoiraRoseForever · 20/05/2025 21:06

TheCurious0range · 20/05/2025 18:42

The place he's staying isn't really a hostel, it's called an approved premises and is staffed by probation, only the highest risk offenders go there on release, and he wouldn't be allowed to leave there and come to live with you, it's a condition of his release that he goes there. He will be there at least 12 weeks and needs to work with probation and the local housing department to look at move on accommodation, that will likely be private rent paid for by UC if he's not working yet, some areas do a rent deposit scheme for prison leavers.
If you want him to live with you after, that would mean an automatic referral to children's social care by probation who would have to approve it based on the risk information provided by police and social care responses, probation would likely say no anyway due to the risk and a young child being in the home.
To support him be there for him call him every day, if he needs help looking into things such as housing you can support him, you can meet up with him if it's safe to do so away from your home, you can be a positive figure in his life, but I don't think him living with you in the near future is a realistic prospect.

Edited

Glad you mentioned it’s not a hostel, it’s approved premises . Only serious offenders go into these places and his mum can’t just find “ somewhere nice for him to live.”
She needs to speak to probation as it sounds like there are conditions attached to his release .

Ritasueandbobtoo9 · 20/05/2025 21:12

No wonder we have such a high reoffending rate. I wish people were more compassionate. I don’t think your son is a lost cause. He needs help. I totally understand you not visiting it is traumatic to visit.

Spirallingdownwards · 20/05/2025 21:14

maggiecate · 20/05/2025 20:01

I saw an interview with James Timpson and he said the no longer take on male ex offenders under the age of 25 - they’ve found that the reoffending rate is too high for them to risk it. For women leaving prison they’ve found the age doesn’t matter and they’ll work with young leavers, but young men seem to fall back into their old habits until their mid-twenties.

Show quote history

Oh that's a shame but it's great he does the work he does but also highlights the problems with potential reopening for that demographic.

TheHerboriste · 20/05/2025 21:15

Ritasueandbobtoo9 · 20/05/2025 21:12

No wonder we have such a high reoffending rate. I wish people were more compassionate. I don’t think your son is a lost cause. He needs help. I totally understand you not visiting it is traumatic to visit.

A lot more traumatic for him to sit in prison hoping his mother will exert herself to show up, but being repeatedly let down.

Utterknowitall · 20/05/2025 21:15

Hi. I haven't RTFT, only your posts OP. I am fairly sure your DS will have to stay in the hostel and if you invited him to live with you, he would not be allowed to. There won't be any freedom for him to live where he likes, and when he does move from the hostel it will have to be accommodation approved by probation, and if your address was suggested, Social Services would probably be involved and it would be a no from them, and probation. Sorry I have not worded that especially well. There are fb groups for ladies who have children or partners inside. Will be a good place to get support.

Original poster
StuckInbetween · 20/05/2025 21:19

I’m not gonna go into loads of detail but it was an unprovoked attack on a stranger, lad ended up in hospital for a while after. He was 16 when it happened and had just turned 17 when he got sentenced. After that DP was done with it all. He’d already started distancing but that was it for him. He’s never looked back and won’t hear a word about DS now.

When he first went in he was still getting into fights regularly but over time he calmed down. He got help with his temper and the drugs. I’m not saying that makes it all alright, cos it doesn’t. I’m not making excuses for what he did – he did what he did and someone else suffered for it.

OP posts:
EwwSprouts · 20/05/2025 21:21

I think you are right to support at arms length for the sake of your marriage and DS2. Can you get into the habit of going for a walk with him to get him out of the hostel regularly? See if there is an Andy's Man Club in your area which would help him meet new people. It's a 6pm start at the one near me.
This could lead to a job https://www.timpson.co.uk/our-story/timpson-foundation

Els1e · 20/05/2025 21:24

It sounds a bit like your DS needs strong direction. He feels safe and accepting of the prison routine. What about suggesting mechanic in the forces. I know a couple of people who became a qualified mechanic and HGV driver.

MoiraRoseForever · 20/05/2025 21:24

StuckInbetween · 20/05/2025 21:19

I’m not gonna go into loads of detail but it was an unprovoked attack on a stranger, lad ended up in hospital for a while after. He was 16 when it happened and had just turned 17 when he got sentenced. After that DP was done with it all. He’d already started distancing but that was it for him. He’s never looked back and won’t hear a word about DS now.

When he first went in he was still getting into fights regularly but over time he calmed down. He got help with his temper and the drugs. I’m not saying that makes it all alright, cos it doesn’t. I’m not making excuses for what he did – he did what he did and someone else suffered for it.

Here is some info about what GBH with intent means . It’s very serious, especially with intent .

https://www.criminaldefencebarrister.co.uk/criminal-defence-barrister-blog/2021/a-guide-to-s18-gbh-wounding-with-intent-to-do-grievous-bodily-harm-s18-offences-against-the-person-act-1861/

He intended to wound . It wasn’t a bit of a fight in a pub type thing .
OP says it was a bad assault, it’s more serious than that .

It’s not a hostel , he will be in approved premises . https://prisonreformtrust.org.uk/adviceguide/approved-premises-ap/

A guide to s18 GBH- wounding with intent to do grievous bodily harm- s18 Offences Against the Person Act 1861

Criminal Barrister Quentin Hunt gives a guide to the offence of causing grievous bodily harm with intent.

https://www.criminaldefencebarrister.co.uk/criminal-defence-barrister-blog/2021/a-guide-to-s18-gbh-wounding-with-intent-to-do-grievous-bodily-harm-s18-offences-against-the-person-act-1861

ANiceBigCupOfTea · 20/05/2025 21:25

Part of the recovery from addiction is taking accountability for your choices and actions, and your DS did make choices that put him in this place. He needs to stay in the premises he's in for now, build up relationships and trust again, deal with his issues and accept that he can't come back right. Even without a child at home your partner would be well within his rights not to want him there but your child there makes it a no go.
He has a long way to go but he can recover and he can make a life for himself again but the choice is his as to what path he walks. Recovery is possible and a life on a very different path is possible but he has to want it.

Riaanna · 20/05/2025 21:33

TomatoSandwiches · 20/05/2025 20:10

Social Services would not allow it so there's no point saying this.

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That’s not remotely true. Social services would only get involved if he was on the sex offenders register. There’s no grounds at all for this statement.

Bobolonson · 20/05/2025 21:34

TheHerboriste · 20/05/2025 19:55

This young man certainly got the short end of the stick.

Shitty childhood, shitty father, chaos, addiction. And while he was in prison his mother decided to start a second family. No wonder he feels cast-off and useless.

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I agree with both of you. It’s too late for her to now give him the support he needs due to her going onto have another child with a new man. It’s a difficult situation partly of her own making.

@StuckInbetween you’re going to have to accept you can’t step into help him the way you would’ve otherwise because you have a small child with you.

Bobolonson · 20/05/2025 21:37

I can’t blame your DP for being disgusted but I doubt he would be ever washing his hands off his own biological kids.

This is why my friend refused to have more kids with any man after she divorced. She never wanted a situation where her first set of kids were treated differently to the kids with a new man or she ever felt torn between her husband and children in the way that so often happens with “blended families”

Pompompurin1 · 20/05/2025 21:38

Your partner is correct.

if I was your partner I’d move out with the 3yo if I had to.

Bobolonson · 20/05/2025 21:39

He clearly has a lot of rage inside him because of his terrible childhood that he isn’t managing well at all. I hope he gets the help he needs for the sake of himself but also everyone else.

Young men who don’t sort themselves out (ie. Access and receive appropriate help) often go onto to be not only a menace to society but dangerous to partners as well.

It’s all very well people saying to wipe your hands of him completely Op but you contributed to the man he is now so I don’t think that’s fair.

ButterCrackers · 20/05/2025 21:40

YANBU He’s an adult and has to take responsibility for himself. Lots of great resources on the thread. It’s a different parenting dynamic now he’s older. He needs his own place and back into education and training for a job. Wishing you all well.