Page 9 | Is the commute too much to ask for?

Mammia28272 · 2025-05-18T17:45:12+00:00

For complicated and practical reasons we are moving away from our idyllic village and buying our first home in a town we don’t particularly like (higher crime for one). DH will no longer be able to cycle to work (his outlet and exercise) and he will have a painful 45 min driving commute instead. He hates driving as he finds dealing with bad drivers very stressful. His route also has some heavy traffic that is unavoidable without making the drive considerably longer. He’s already very unhappy about moving away from our village now. He feels he is already at breaking point - work is enjoyable but physically and mentally very taxing. We also have a SEN child with very high emotional needs and a new baby. He feels the combination of work and home stress is already pushing him to breaking point, and now he’s adding a stressful commute on top. He feels he’s not going to be able to be able to give his best to the family. Even now, when he is tired he is much more snappy and impatient with DC, which just escalates things at home. The move is for the benefit of DC and it has to be done. I don’t know what we can do or what I can suggest to make things better. Obviously DH has to figure out how to make the drive as enjoyable as possible. Does anyone have any suggestions? It’s a truly shit situation but we have no other options.

ArabellaScott · 19/05/2025 12:29

Mammia28272 · 19/05/2025 11:45

Pretty much this.

Many posters are saying stay put but it’s not a good option either. We’ve outgrown the house which doesn’t meet the needs of DC and is therefore a source of stress for all of us. It’s also rented so it’s a money drain. Very limited options to buy in the village or nearby villages - there’s always a big compromise to be made (often too quirky or needs major updating). We have to move somewhere - the town offers more options that are also affordable.

It’s obvs more complicated than I have laid out but the balance is:

Town
house that ticks most boxes
specialist school is closer

vs

Village
safe, community
short commute to work

I think if we had found better options for houses in one of the villages then it might have swayed DH. But balancing out all the factors of home, community, school and work commutes, the town is probably still the best choice.

Additionally, if the placement failed then ideally we would want to already be set up in a larger home where DC can retreat to (since there are no other options for schools), rather than live in a home that is not ideal and we still have to consider moving.

But yes because we are making such big compromises in one way or another I still have so many doubts. I appreciate the responses as it helps me run through the arguments again in my head, one way or another.

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On choice: If you are trying to choose between two options you can end up vacillating back and forth, and you are then in a dilemma that can feel impossible to resolve.

Try adding more options. There's lots of variables.

DH work
Your work
DCs schooling
Home location
Transport

Under each of those things there are several possible options.

And also, I wonder about speaking to your DH about how you BOTH are feeling about life and priorities and stress and fairness. Active listening, counselling, even just a bit of time the two of you where you can listen to how you both feel without trying to solve the issues.

This won't be permanent, whatever you end up doing. Children don't stay in school forever.

SunshineIdiot789 · 19/05/2025 12:33

I do sympathise with him. 45 minutes commute is not bad if you are on a bus or a train. But I would hate 45 minutes of driving there and back every single day. Driving is stressful, you do have to pay attention and especially so in a city. Not to mention the feeling of being stuck sat down for so long.

FiveBarGate · 19/05/2025 12:34

Is there a gym or pool near his workplace?

When I did busy commute every day I used to go very early. Just get up, put clothes on and take a banana for the journey.

Then I'd swim and shower on arrival. Make overnight oats or something for eating once done.

It avoided the worst of the traffic.

Not sure how much he helps in morning anyway but sometimes it's easier to have them up and out of the door and then you can focus on kids without anyone else needing the bathroom, in the fridge etc.

If it won't impact you too much then it might give him a bit of space between commute and work and means he's getting in exercise with limited impact on the rest of family time.

Original poster

Mammia28272 · 19/05/2025 12:36

ArabellaScott · 19/05/2025 12:29

On choice: If you are trying to choose between two options you can end up vacillating back and forth, and you are then in a dilemma that can feel impossible to resolve.

Try adding more options. There's lots of variables.

DH work
Your work
DCs schooling
Home location
Transport

Under each of those things there are several possible options.

And also, I wonder about speaking to your DH about how you BOTH are feeling about life and priorities and stress and fairness. Active listening, counselling, even just a bit of time the two of you where you can listen to how you both feel without trying to solve the issues.

This won't be permanent, whatever you end up doing. Children don't stay in school forever.

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Thank you!

Yes that’s true, this is a medium term solution and there will be another opportunity to find our ideal or forever home.

OP posts:

YourSignalFadedIntoAnotherWorld · 19/05/2025 12:40

Not sure if this has been mentioned but could he gat a motorbike? He could whizz past all that traffic then and leave you the car?

Jamandtoastfortea · 19/05/2025 12:45

When I had a 60 minute commute thst was easily 90 mins in traffic, I used to just get up and go, drive early then go for a power walk and shower when I was there. No earlier to get up as didn’t need to get ready at home. Worked well for me at time, but it was pre kids.

SayDoWhatNow · 19/05/2025 13:03

Mammia28272 · 19/05/2025 12:12

20 miles so it’s not impossible, but it’s too dangerous on the roads in question, more so in the winter, single and dual carriageways so it’s very fast.

He’s open to cycling part of the journey but he’s on his feet all day so this would be hard too. Plus he’d have to cycle through the very same traffic in the town and I think this might be even more stressful!

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I work in a city with lots of traffic and I almost always find cycling far less stressful than driving.

I think this does depend on the type of roads available, but if your DH is already cycling to work then it's presumably doable at the work end at least!

timeforachange999 · 19/05/2025 13:15

Mammia28272 · 19/05/2025 11:57

I agree this is a great insight, thank you. i agree DH needs to talk to someone but I think he sees therapy as a waste of money and he will deal with the stress himself. DC has been in various types of therapy for years and best we can say is that things are not awful and DC is not unhappy, which is considerably better than many SEN families we know.

I have a solid SEN network and friends that I can vent to. DH doesn’t have either, but he doesn’t put in the time for it. When opportunities come up he’d rather engage in small talk and jokes than try to deepen a friendship by talking about real things. There is probably some ND to factor in as well.

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Before I even read this comment I was going to come on here and ask if you have considered that your DH might be neurodiverse? If the SEN your child has is ND then I would say this is a strong possibility. My DH is AuDHD and always struggles with driving and commuting. He used to commute an hour in heavy traffic and nearly every day he would come home upset about some bad driving by others (I think this maybe comes down to upset about people breaking the rules). He also found sitting in traffic very stressful. He didn't find cycling much less stressful either due to the way drivers treat cyclists. He struggled with the train too as it is so busy at rush hour. He came to the conclusion he can basically only wfh.
If there is a strong possibility your DH could be ND then I think you need to be realistic and accept that this move will be the straw that breaks the camels back. If you push him out of his comfort zone (cycle ride to work that he is happy with) then he is likely to spiral and breakdown. It sounds simple for people to say that he needs to get on with it for the sake of his family, but if there is neurodiversity it could take months/years of specialist therapy (tailored to ASD) to help him overcome this. Our experience of therapy to date is also much more about realising your limitations and planning your life accordingly. As you have a child with SEN to consider this makes it ten times more complicated for you and I really feel for you as you are in a very difficult situation. However, I think you need to be prepared for the fact that the commute won't work for him and he might have to find another job/ will have a breakdown (this seems more likely if he already says he is near breaking point).

Fallenoutthewardrobe · 19/05/2025 13:20

I had a drive as a commute once and me and many people in my office choose to work 8-4:30 to avoid the bulk of the traffic. I would always leave work on the dot and then pick up anything else that was needed when I got home. Perhaps if he can shift his start and end times slightly he can avoid the heaviest traffic.

BumpyWinds · 19/05/2025 13:24

One thing I hated about Covid was missing my commute! I actually enjoyed the 45 minute journey each way as it was the time I needed to switch on/off from my day and having the separation from work and home.

I rarely listen to the radio or music, rather listening to Podcasts and Audiobooks. Some local libraries run a listening library so you don't need to necessarily spend money on an Audible subscription.

My commute is now only 25 minutes each way and I sometimes find it frustrating that a podcast takes me 3 commutes to get through it all!

I find the traffic (outer London) doesn't bother me so much if I'm enjoying a book or podcast.

You do become immune to the crazy drivers after a while. I've spent 20+ years driving in and around London and was dreading driving in LA when I visited. Turns out the traffic was better than London! I've got a dashcam so if I see something truly terrible I do report it.

Ultimately, this is all potentially just temporary. Your DC will only be at school for a short proportion of their life and once schooling is done you can move back to where you'd prefer to be.

In terms of therapy, see whether his (or your) work offer an Employee Assistance Programme that he could access to address his main worries about the commute. It might not be the commute itself, but the impact everything is having on not having the ability to choose what is best for him.

IfItWereMe · 19/05/2025 13:25

Gerwurtztraminer · 19/05/2025 11:22

Would some talking therapy help him and would he try it?

Underlying all of this is that your husband is struggling with the cards you've been dealt as a family. It sounds like he needs to talk to someone about how he feels and that can't be you as you have your own worries and things to handle. Men do tend to store up stress and not talk and it comes out as anger and grumpiness

It must be really hard to not have the life you both expected as parents. This move and bad commute is a physical example of that loss. The frustration with bad drivers is possibly him railing against the fact that other people choose not to follow the rule/she safe and even though he does he's having to cope with their bad decisions. I think the two are linked. Those bad drivers don't have the things to deal with he does yet are 'choosing' to make his life harder. IYSWIM. Speaking to a counsellor will help him work through all those feelings.

I too wonder if looking at school transport is worth it, rather than a big move, at least for long enough to be sure your child settles at the new school. Your child's life won't be improved with a stressed unhappy parent, or worse, a marriage breakdown. I'd definitely look at all the options again before committing to the move.

.

A very wise, thoughful and insightful post.

TheignT · 19/05/2025 13:27

It is obviously a difficult dilemma. This is my experience so may be irrelevant. My husband became disabled when I was pregnant. At the end of maternity leave I took a promotion which involved a similar length commute, we needed the money so it was a no brainer. The trouble was it was a very unpleasant drive.

I stuck it for 18 months, during that time I was coping with a toddler who didn't need sleep, my mother was rushed into hospital and we were coming to terms with husbands disability.

One night I was driving home and stopped for petrol, a man shouted at me as he said I was too close to his car, I don't think I was but there we are. I started to cry on the way home and couldn't stop. I had over a year off sick, left my govt job and I often look at my pension and think how nice my pension would have been if I'd stayed in my old job, Id be on 3 times as much and that's if I never got another promotion.

The difficult commute wasn't the only issue but it was the final straw and yes in other circumstances I'd have done the commute but I just couldn't do it.

I can't give you any advice as we are all different but think carefully.

LeastOfMyWorries · 19/05/2025 13:28

Mammia28272 · 18/05/2025 19:54

Thank you for all the replies.

DH does listen to audiobooks - he’ll definitely lean into this and podcasts when he starts commuting.

With traffic the journey could be 1h. We’ve looked at every option for DC, also where else to live, other routes to take, splitting the journey so it’s part cycling/train/running etc, which he will try a few times a week to vary things up, but those other options would add lots more time on the commute.

New house is further away from all the jobs in his field (and most jobs really - moving into this town but further away from the main city). He would have to completely retrain, we’d have less money and I think he’d just be unhappy in different way.

My feeling is that we chose to have kids, we need to put their wellbeing first, and we are lucky we even have options. He is angry and disappointed at the cards we’ve been dealt with.

This post makes me think very little of this is about the commute, that is just something handy to blame.
I get it, I have a disabled child, most of us go through periods of grief, for want of a better phrase. I would recommend getting him some help with the stress, so he can be at peace with the "cards you have been dealt" and the rest of life will be a whole lot less stressful.

TheignT · 19/05/2025 13:34

Jamandtoastfortea · 19/05/2025 12:45

When I had a 60 minute commute thst was easily 90 mins in traffic, I used to just get up and go, drive early then go for a power walk and shower when I was there. No earlier to get up as didn’t need to get ready at home. Worked well for me at time, but it was pre kids.

I think that is significant. I wanted to be home with my children, it was bad enough doing an 8 hour day and 2 hours driving. Adding in an extra hour would mean I'd have hardly any time with the toddler.

Pipsquiggle · 19/05/2025 13:37

@Mammia28272 Are you able to share approximate locations of your current village, the school and where your DH works. I am sure there may be a suitable 'half way' location that might fit the bill. Could you rent somewhere for 6 months before you go all in and buying near the school?
It feels like you feel you have to do an all or nothing move but actually there could be other options.

Mumsnet hive mind is always great with location suggestions if you can be slightly more specific

Original poster

Mammia28272 · 19/05/2025 13:38

TheignT · 19/05/2025 13:34

I think that is significant. I wanted to be home with my children, it was bad enough doing an 8 hour day and 2 hours driving. Adding in an extra hour would mean I'd have hardly any time with the toddler.

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Yes there’s this. He doesn’t get much time with the baby as is. He doesn’t really want to spend more time away, he wants to spend it relaxing at home and would rather just get on with the commute than hang about. (Though home is stressful in a different way.) I think he would be fine to spend more time at the gym or do a shop etc, something practical.

OP posts:

Original poster

Mammia28272 · 19/05/2025 13:39

timeforachange999 · 19/05/2025 13:15

Before I even read this comment I was going to come on here and ask if you have considered that your DH might be neurodiverse? If the SEN your child has is ND then I would say this is a strong possibility. My DH is AuDHD and always struggles with driving and commuting. He used to commute an hour in heavy traffic and nearly every day he would come home upset about some bad driving by others (I think this maybe comes down to upset about people breaking the rules). He also found sitting in traffic very stressful. He didn't find cycling much less stressful either due to the way drivers treat cyclists. He struggled with the train too as it is so busy at rush hour. He came to the conclusion he can basically only wfh.
If there is a strong possibility your DH could be ND then I think you need to be realistic and accept that this move will be the straw that breaks the camels back. If you push him out of his comfort zone (cycle ride to work that he is happy with) then he is likely to spiral and breakdown. It sounds simple for people to say that he needs to get on with it for the sake of his family, but if there is neurodiversity it could take months/years of specialist therapy (tailored to ASD) to help him overcome this. Our experience of therapy to date is also much more about realising your limitations and planning your life accordingly. As you have a child with SEN to consider this makes it ten times more complicated for you and I really feel for you as you are in a very difficult situation. However, I think you need to be prepared for the fact that the commute won't work for him and he might have to find another job/ will have a breakdown (this seems more likely if he already says he is near breaking point).

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Thank you, yes this is my worry

OP posts:

TheWeeDonkeyFella · 19/05/2025 13:40

He feels he’s not going to be able to be able to give his best to the family. Even now, when he is tired he is much more snappy and impatient with DC, which just escalates things at home.

Commuting is draining for many of us but it's not acceptable to take stress out on DC or you. You sound like you're the one trying to come up with the mitigations, but he's a grown man, father of innocent DC, and sometimes we just have to manage the cards dealt, not be angry and resentful at those nearest. Good luck OP but don't take it all on your shoulders.

SheilaFentiman · 19/05/2025 13:42

Agree re mitigation.

I mostly WFH, a quick walk before I start cooking dinner is a good idea to blow away the stress before I speak to family. He could potentially park up 5 mins away and have a little walk around to clear his head before coming fully home, or similar

TheHerboriste · 19/05/2025 13:44

Mammia28272 · 18/05/2025 20:09

We have considered this - I would be willing to try this for DH’s sake but it does risk DC’s mental wellbeing. DH feels this even more strongly than I do, so he says he’s willing to put up with the commute.

But sometimes he can be so angry and resentful of the cards we’ve been handed with DC. I feel that we chose to have kids and so we have have to make sacrifices for them, and their overall wellbeing is one of the keys to family happiness. I’ve seen how SEN is ripping apart other families. (But it’s easy for me to say this as I’m not the one commuting.) He agrees in theory but I’m worried he will end up blaming DC for his own unhappiness.

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How does it risk the child?

I can’t blame your husband. He’s expected to make all the sacrifices. Do you work or is he the only breadwinner?

SheilaFentiman · 19/05/2025 13:53

TheHerboriste · 19/05/2025 13:44

How does it risk the child?

I can’t blame your husband. He’s expected to make all the sacrifices. Do you work or is he the only breadwinner?

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Because it is hard to get a school place suited to a child with high needs, and it is hard for a child with high needs to take transport each way for over an hour. There is clearly a greater risk of the school placement not working out if it includes 2h+ travel a day for the child than if it does not.

Jamandtoastfortea · 19/05/2025 14:10

TheignT · 19/05/2025 13:34

I think that is significant. I wanted to be home with my children, it was bad enough doing an 8 hour day and 2 hours driving. Adding in an extra hour would mean I'd have hardly any time with the toddler.

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Absolutely - me too which as a sole parent it was impossible and other job was sourced! But it was just a suggestion for her dh - as a way to cope with commute avoid traffic and still get the excercise he needs during his working day.

Original poster

Mammia28272 · 19/05/2025 14:16

TheHerboriste · 19/05/2025 13:44

How does it risk the child?

I can’t blame your husband. He’s expected to make all the sacrifices. Do you work or is he the only breadwinner?

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I wrote a reply to this but I’ve deleted it because I don’t need to justify myself here. Being a SEN parent is nothing but sacrifice.

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Original poster

Mammia28272 · 19/05/2025 14:17

SheilaFentiman · 19/05/2025 13:53

Because it is hard to get a school place suited to a child with high needs, and it is hard for a child with high needs to take transport each way for over an hour. There is clearly a greater risk of the school placement not working out if it includes 2h+ travel a day for the child than if it does not.

Edited

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Thank you

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TheHerboriste · 19/05/2025 14:28

Resentment and fatigue and stress of breadwinning and deep disappointment with one’s lot in life are a toxic stew of feelings that often lead to checking out of the marriage and family. This would concern me.

Is the commute too much to ask for?

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