Is the commute too much to ask for?

[Mammia28272]

For complicated and practical reasons we are moving away from our idyllic village and buying our first home in a town we don’t particularly like (higher crime for one). DH will no longer be able to cycle to work (his outlet and exercise) and he will have a painful 45 min driving commute instead.

He hates driving as he finds dealing with bad drivers very stressful. His route also has some heavy traffic that is unavoidable without making the drive considerably longer.

He’s already very unhappy about moving away from our village now. He feels he is already at breaking point - work is enjoyable but physically and mentally very taxing. We also have a SEN child with very high emotional needs and a new baby. He feels the combination of work and home stress is already pushing him to breaking point, and now he’s adding a stressful commute on top. He feels he’s not going to be able to be able to give his best to the family. Even now, when he is tired he is much more snappy and impatient with DC, which just escalates things at home.

The move is for the benefit of DC and it has to be done. I don’t know what we can do or what I can suggest to make things better. Obviously DH has to figure out how to make the drive as enjoyable as possible.

Does anyone have any suggestions? It’s a truly shit situation but we have no other options.

And yet resentment and fatigue and stress of caregiving and deep disappointment with one’s lot in life don't seem to lead to the mother checking out of the marriage and family quite as often, do they?

Chuck a sub in the boot of his car and a couple of 6x9's on the shelf and tell him to pump out the choons on his commute.

You're 12 months away from divorce. Good luck.

No, they don’t.

Look for a new job closer to the new house?

Dear Christ, plenty of people commute for an hour or more without getting divorced.

I know two mothers who did it. One couldn't cope with the child's health issue and one who couldn't cope with twins for 18 years, once they were adults she met up with them and resented that they viewed the woman who had brought them up as their mother.

It was explained to me as stones in your basket. We all have to carry them round. One day a new stone is added to the basket, it isn't necessarily a big stone but it just tips the balance of being able to carry the basket and it just being too much.

I think that's why it makes no sense for people to say it's just a commute, just an hour or whatever as it is just the final stone that is too much.

Help with stress might help, it can't really hurt can it.

It's a disaster waiting to happen OP. No therapy (not even specialist ND therapy - whatever that is!! (I can assure you it doesn't exist)) is going to change these circumstances. You can't arrange your life to be impossible and expect a therapist to somehow talk your DH into being happy about it...that's utterly absurd. He will have a breakdown and then your marriage will fail and then what?

I've got autistic kids too and I've made sacrifices so I know what it's like but I'm currently in bed because after years of sacrifice, I have chronic fatigue. You'll kill yourselves thing to make your DC happy. Can you not home school? Or move to a different area?

Is there no way to get your DC to the new school yourselves, without relying on LA transport? Is there no other location that would be an acceptable compromise (nearer a train station or a better driving route)? Have you/DH explored all possible cycling routes, even for part of his commute? I'm sorry there doesn't seem to be a good solution for all of you.

Specialist ND therapy does exist as DH has finally found some. It is therapy offered by people who specialize in therapy for people with ASD/ADHD. The therapists themselves often are ND. It of course does not exist on the NHS!

I agree the DH's commute is another stone in his basket, but having the DS more settled and being in a house big enough for the family's needs are stones out of his basket too.

Dear God, all these people worrying about a grown man commuting 45 minutes a day. If that leads him to a divorce or a life elsewhere then he wasn't worth much in the first place. People often commute by train two hours a day each way sometimes, fly off to another country to work for the day, or God forbid drive for more than 45 minutes each day. Surely having his child in a better school is worth the sacrifice.

I would say that a good SEN school is worth one of the parents having to do a 45minute commute. I live in an area with terrible roads/roundabouts so I get that it’s stressful driving sometimes, but that’s what most people have to do everyday. It’s going to be much more stressful for you child to sit in a car for that long everyday to get to school.

My solution to a long multi-leg commute (2.5 - 3 hrs each way) was to ask for flexible working to 4x10 hr days a week and be a part-time lodger in the city close to my workplace for 3 nights/ week with a 20 minute cycle to work each way. It lasted for 16 years until Covid came along. You wouldn't be there to help with a SEN child on a daily basis (I have no experience in this area) but you might not be quite so miserable at home either. It worked for us and for me as I really hate regular commuting and have worked very hard and successfully all my working life to avoid it for all but a few months here and there. Now I work full-time from home and our children are off our hands.

Maybe he can arrange to do flexitime or compressed hours, e. G., all his hours in 4 days? So that he starts earlier, leave later, those 4 days, avoiding the worst of the traffic. And have a free day to help with the school run etc.

Be wary of this hope - of throwing yourself in being the solution and that you can't know until you try it.

We did this, moving from a much loved tiny flat in a big city to a village. It nearly broke us. It wasn't right, we knew it wasn't right when we were doing it, but we did it anyway as we had to leave the tiny flat (arrival of 2nd child) and were of the 'we won't know until we try it' mind. It was a disaster, really. You can't fully throw yourself into something you don't want to do.

Do you have friends in the town? A support circle? What will 'throwing yourself into it' look like? Cos when we moved I found out there wasn't really anything to throw myself into that I wanted to do or that we fitted into. I still regret it, and the fact that I resultingly spent several years' of my DC's young lives with poor mental health and that the atmosphere at home wasn't great. Really don't underestimate the knock-on effect that one of you or DH being in a bad place mentally (which it sounds like the commute will do to him) will do for the whole family system/ dynamic.

But it does sound like you're in such a hard position if you anyway need to move house. I really appreciate the need for space with a ND child...

So he's having a paddy because you are having to move to access SEN schools and/ medical provisions..for goodness these men need to get a grip. The child comes first. I would look into what your support system would be if he leaves you. He sounds like a spoilt pillock

This is really unfair. He is not having a paddy. He is acknowledging that it is best for his son and so should happen whilst being worried about the stress of the commute.

It's 45 minutes each way so an hour and a half a day.

It's balancing it up. He's dreading it but ready to give it a go but they won't know how that works out till they've tried. I suppose the risky bit is he knows he'll hate the commute but no one knows if the child will like the school or if the bigger house is worth more than the village where they are happy. I think it is a tough call.

Agree it’s a very tough call

How absurd.

He's already carrying the burden of being breadwinner for the entire family. That’s not insignificant. Now he’s expected to suck up more time away from home, less exercise, and unpleasant commute and leaving his village for a less desirable, higher crime area.

Dismissing all that as being “a pillock” is ignorant.

Even if it is the right thing to do, he’s entitled to his feelings of despair and disappointment with how his life has turned out.

My fear would be a tipping point and maybe someone sympathetic at the other end of that long commute. It’s not an uncommon occurrence.

Exactly.
It's the straw that broke the camel's back. You can only load so much pressure onto one person before something snaps. And everyone's breaking point is in a different place.

It sounds like some therapy/counselling to help him accept that this is the phase of life you are all in for the moment would help. And to learn some coping strategies.

Can he exercise in his lunch break so he still gets that endorphin kick?

This is a compliment!! The food you provided was so nice they wanted all of it! Then told someone else that it was amazing. To the point that they had eaten so well they were dieting afterwards!!

People don't home cook puddings anymore. And if you don't make lasagne yourself home cooked is so much better than frozen it's unreal.

My Mum cooked and fed people like you did when they stayed/visited. They always ate loads because they wanted to taste everything!!

Reading this I want to stay with you, diet can wait till later!!