Is the commute too much to ask for?

[Mammia28272]

For complicated and practical reasons we are moving away from our idyllic village and buying our first home in a town we don’t particularly like (higher crime for one). DH will no longer be able to cycle to work (his outlet and exercise) and he will have a painful 45 min driving commute instead.

He hates driving as he finds dealing with bad drivers very stressful. His route also has some heavy traffic that is unavoidable without making the drive considerably longer.

He’s already very unhappy about moving away from our village now. He feels he is already at breaking point - work is enjoyable but physically and mentally very taxing. We also have a SEN child with very high emotional needs and a new baby. He feels the combination of work and home stress is already pushing him to breaking point, and now he’s adding a stressful commute on top. He feels he’s not going to be able to be able to give his best to the family. Even now, when he is tired he is much more snappy and impatient with DC, which just escalates things at home.

The move is for the benefit of DC and it has to be done. I don’t know what we can do or what I can suggest to make things better. Obviously DH has to figure out how to make the drive as enjoyable as possible.

Does anyone have any suggestions? It’s a truly shit situation but we have no other options.

Objectively, it’s insane to move.

At least try and see if the commute works for your DC. You could find it does - everyone is different, but my friends child commutes 95 minutes each way to his specialist school. He likes the commute, it’s downtime for him and he’s learned to use it to regulate before and after.

I’m absolutely all for playing the cards you’ve got and prioritising the welfare of your children, but this sounds like the wrong move for all of you, your DC included overall.

I don’t think a 45 minute commute is the end of the world (and I say this as someone who doesn’t really enjoy driving), you get used to it. But I wouldn’t be moving for the reasons you describe. How do you know this placement will be the right fit? You don’t and other options will become available over time. If you’re adamant this school will help your child use the offered transport. It sounds like you live in a lovely area that in time will benefit both of your children. Do you really want to move the baby to a lesser area with increased crime, less opportunity for freedom to possibly (because you don’t know it will work) benefit your other child? I’d stay put, use transport, your child will get used to the journey.

@SheilaFentiman yes but one of them knows he likes the place he’s going to, and the other one hasn’t started it yet and may hate it and want to leave. If you got a job that was an hour away from your home and friends, would you move (to a shit hole) before you’d even started the job?

For my kids? Yes.

Also, I think shithole is overstating it - they are moving from a village to a town, in the village it's OK to leave scooters lying around without them getting stolen, in the town it isn't. Plus they are moving to a larger house, which may be necessary with a new baby.

I would try the situation with DC doing the travel first. Only move if that doesn't work out. Would you be eligible for free transport for them? DC will then be able to benefit from 2 parents with more to give and a nice place to live.

Would some talking therapy help him and would he try it?

Underlying all of this is that your husband is struggling with the cards you've been dealt as a family. It sounds like he needs to talk to someone about how he feels and that can't be you as you have your own worries and things to handle. Men do tend to store up stress and not talk and it comes out as anger and grumpiness

It must be really hard to not have the life you both expected as parents. This move and bad commute is a physical example of that loss. The frustration with bad drivers is possibly him railing against the fact that other people choose not to follow the rule/she safe and even though he does he's having to cope with their bad decisions. I think the two are linked. Those bad drivers don't have the things to deal with he does yet are 'choosing' to make his life harder. IYSWIM. Speaking to a counsellor will help him work through all those feelings.

I too wonder if looking at school transport is worth it, rather than a big move, at least for long enough to be sure your child settles at the new school. Your child's life won't be improved with a stressed unhappy parent, or worse, a marriage breakdown. I'd definitely look at all the options again before committing to the move.

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Exactly; everyone needs to be onboard. It is a big decision.

You should not underestimate or in any way minimise having a 45 minute car commute. Especially as 25% of drivers overall are unfit to hold a licence, and because the courts and society more widely think that the rights to hold one is more important than most things, that will not change.

Look at if there are any public transport options even for one or two days a week, the options of travelling in earlier, and also I think time to look for another job. Longer term the options of moving a long way to have school and work nearby need to be considered.

SEND provision is not going to improve enough for the OP and her family in time. An awful situation to be in.

This is a very wise post. Coming to terms with life not being how you had hoped and dreamed is a big thing.

He may find the driving easier when it's more usual / he gets used to it. I moved from a small rural town to a huge city and initially found driving a nightmare but after a couple of months it wasn't a big deal.

I think it'll be too much for him. It would be for me. If you HAVE to move, perhaps a full commitment and find a job nearer your new home.

I always hated driving. I found one session of hypnosis gave me about six months before the apprehension started to creep back. Sounds left field, I know. I didn’t believe it would help but it definitely did. After driving for ten necessary years in terms of work and child drop offs I was happy to stop driving. My husband and most people I know either love or quite like driving. Don’t blame your husband for this..we are all different.

Pretty much this.

Many posters are saying stay put but it’s not a good option either. We’ve outgrown the house which doesn’t meet the needs of DC and is therefore a source of stress for all of us. It’s also rented so it’s a money drain. Very limited options to buy in the village or nearby villages - there’s always a big compromise to be made (often too quirky or needs major updating). We have to move somewhere - the town offers more options that are also affordable.

It’s obvs more complicated than I have laid out but the balance is:

Town
house that ticks most boxes
specialist school is closer

vs

Village
safe, community
short commute to work

I think if we had found better options for houses in one of the villages then it might have swayed DH. But balancing out all the factors of home, community, school and work commutes, the town is probably still the best choice.

Additionally, if the placement failed then ideally we would want to already be set up in a larger home where DC can retreat to (since there are no other options for schools), rather than live in a home that is not ideal and we still have to consider moving.

But yes because we are making such big compromises in one way or another I still have so many doubts. I appreciate the responses as it helps me run through the arguments again in my head, one way or another.

What is the actual distance of the commute? If he’s a keen cyclist, is it an option on an e bike?

Do you have village friends who would have him as a lodger 1 or 2 nights per week? Could you manage without him if so? That could cut out 2 or 4 journeys and give him an evening or two in the village to socialise/ cycle etc if it's a sacrifice you'd be able to make and if you could afford it.

It's possible that, in a larger house, being at home will be less stressful for both DH and DS.

I think looking into ways for DH to mitigate his stress (audiobooks, therapy, staying over occasionally near work, shifting his hours sometimes out of rush hour, maybe driving straight to the gym or home to grab his bike from the garage and go for a cycle a day or two a week... lots of possibilities though should make sure not to overload you with these changes)

A commute of roughly an hour is pretty common and no big deal once you get used to it. If both of you feel it’s the best thing to do I suggest he gets on with it, without moaning. He may well find it’s not bad to be in your car, listening to a podcast or music, etc. If he finds he really can’t hack it, you will have to rethink of course, but he needs to give it a proper go given you both apparently agree it’s the best thing to do.

I agree this is a great insight, thank you. i agree DH needs to talk to someone but I think he sees therapy as a waste of money and he will deal with the stress himself. DC has been in various types of therapy for years and best we can say is that things are not awful and DC is not unhappy, which is considerably better than many SEN families we know.

I have a solid SEN network and friends that I can vent to. DH doesn’t have either, but he doesn’t put in the time for it. When opportunities come up he’d rather engage in small talk and jokes than try to deepen a friendship by talking about real things. There is probably some ND to factor in as well.

I’d seriously consider some joint therapy with a counsellor or therapist who has experience of supporting families where one or more have SEND to help you make this decision. I can recommend someone who works online as well as face to face if you would like. DH and I had a few sessions but it was too late and he’d already made the decision to leave me for someone else. I nevertheless found her insights incredibly helpful. If we’d reached out for help sooner I think the outcome for our marriage might have been different.

Yes I’m hoping this will be the case.

I get what everyone has been saying about trialling a long school commute. But we both want to optimise things for DS so the new school has the best chance of success.

School failing because the commute was too long would be terrible, especially when DC has no other options apart from mythical schools with places that are even further away.

My hope is that if we just dive in, that we will find things to love about our new community, DS will love school, and DH will tolerate and maybe even enjoy his commute. I feel like we won’t know until we try, but we have to prioritise DS above all.

But yeah I don’t know if I am being terribly naive and we should be more risk averse and try to change only one thing at a time. I posted because I wanted to hear the experiences of others.

Thank you, yes please do DM me your recommendation. I’m so sorry it was too late for you.

20 miles so it’s not impossible, but it’s too dangerous on the roads in question, more so in the winter, single and dual carriageways so it’s very fast.

He’s open to cycling part of the journey but he’s on his feet all day so this would be hard too. Plus he’d have to cycle through the very same traffic in the town and I think this might be even more stressful!

Taxi, train, bus?

As in taxi replacing the unreliable busc, then train, then other bus?

Apologies if you have already covered this but how far is it from the specialist send school
from where you live now and where you are going to?
the reason I ask is that home is sanctuary and you all seem to love it. So, could you take your child with sen to school or apply for support with transport?
as an outsider looking in, but without all
the ins and outs obviously, I think moving from where you are needs real thought.

best wishes as I appreciate it’s so hard