Is the commute too much to ask for?

[Mammia28272]

For complicated and practical reasons we are moving away from our idyllic village and buying our first home in a town we don’t particularly like (higher crime for one). DH will no longer be able to cycle to work (his outlet and exercise) and he will have a painful 45 min driving commute instead.

He hates driving as he finds dealing with bad drivers very stressful. His route also has some heavy traffic that is unavoidable without making the drive considerably longer.

He’s already very unhappy about moving away from our village now. He feels he is already at breaking point - work is enjoyable but physically and mentally very taxing. We also have a SEN child with very high emotional needs and a new baby. He feels the combination of work and home stress is already pushing him to breaking point, and now he’s adding a stressful commute on top. He feels he’s not going to be able to be able to give his best to the family. Even now, when he is tired he is much more snappy and impatient with DC, which just escalates things at home.

The move is for the benefit of DC and it has to be done. I don’t know what we can do or what I can suggest to make things better. Obviously DH has to figure out how to make the drive as enjoyable as possible.

Does anyone have any suggestions? It’s a truly shit situation but we have no other options.

He needs to be philosophical about heavy traffic. There are definitely worse things in the world than sitting in a comfortable car listening to an audiobook.

Not if you enjoy cycling to work and it is a stress reliever. My DH is like this and has deliberately chosen chosen a workplace he can cycle to in about 45mins. He's lucky as he has an in demand job so can find a place of work to suit. Can totally understand OPs DH's point of view on this. Sounds like his mental health will take a hit with this change in situation.

How long would the journey to school be if you drove your child there?

I am 100% sure your advice would be the same if it were OP stressed and not wanting to move.

and not at all a chorus of "ltb" "ducks in a row" "he's controlling"

Can you rent in the town for six months or even 12? Rent your house out. See if the school works out, how the commute is but give yourselves a safety net

OP has said that the transport will take over an hour, not accounting for rush hour or traffic. She has a new baby. She can't drive for 4h a day, or anything approaching 4h a day, surely.

What about schooling for younger child? Are the schools ok in the area you are moving to? We do a commute to specialist and husband goes in the opposite direction for work, both around 25 miles, this morning my husband's motorway trip took 1hr 45 mine took an hour - in ideal traffic, the best we can both do is about 38 mins. Husband also has to be in work 9-5, limited flexibility. School years are 190 days long, husband could be commuted 232 days a year (I am looking forward to next week half term, when I don't have to do the school run). If you move, the child could still end up with a longish commute depending on how close to school you are, and who else is on the same transport. We are now on 4 years of this journey (moving closer for us, would mean moving LA and it may jeopardise their placement as the new LA would review the EHCP and could decide there is a cheaper alternative).

This

I've done a long commute I hated (for 15 years). It's totally shit and had a massive impact on the family.

OP DO NOT MOVE YET. Seriously, you don't need to change everything to for your DC to go to this school. Just make itl work for the first term/ six months (either DC takes transport or you suck it up and drive them - or a bit of both) to see if they/ you even like the school. If they do, then consider moving. But DC is not going to settle well if DH is angry and resentful and the atmosphere at home is crap. On top of all the change of leaving somewhere you all love living and, presumably, where your current support network is.

Also - therapy for DH! Therapy has helped me enormously come to terms with my own ND DC and the challenges of parenting them (and the sacrifices that doing so entail). Cos I'd hazard that this isn't really about the commute...

But he is saying that they need to move and he is fully onboard and thinks it makes the most sense for their child. He feels stronger about it than OP does even but he still wants to walk around and be angry at everyone because they are moving and he now has a 45 minute commute. She is not forcing him.

None of you actually want to move, so don’t do it.

Seems there's a lot of minimising his concerns.

Lots of people don't like a stressful commute. He's going to have a worse commute AND presumably lose his primary form of exercise that brings significant mental and physical health benefits. Like it or not, he (and you of course) has a stressful life, so that may have a real impact on him, and all of you.

Sounds like a terrible plan to me, I'd really be reconsidering if there's a better way.

Essentially, the choice is the DH has a 45 minute commute or the DS with SEN has a commute of over an hour.

No one is pretending that DH’s commute isn’t tricky. However… Both DS and DH would find the commute stressful, but only one of them is an adult.

'With traffic the journey could be 1h. '

So it is 1 hour not 45 minutes

My feeling is that we chose to have kids, we need to put their wellbeing first, and we are lucky we even have options. He is angry and disappointed at the cards we’ve been dealt with.

Part of that is setting a good example and looking after your own well-being as well. Don't be a martyr. My own parents did that it is still haunts me to see how much they sacrificed themselves while neglecting their own needs and having to deal with the stress and pain it caused.

How are you managing the additional commute to work?

Also quoting the OP:

Yes the school would transport DC from our current home but it’s far, over hour without even considering rush hour and traffic.

Nothing terribly useful to add other than he will get used to it in time. It seems odd there isn't a half way house where your son has a shorter bus commute and your husband is a bit closer to work but it sounds as though you have thoroughly explored all options. It may be an option as he gets older though if settled in school.

Unfortunately I suspect that the practical reality of this is that in order to manage his stress levels you will need to free him up for a good portion of the weekend to cycle it off. I would try to get into a decent routine where that takes place on a Saturday so that you get some time off Sat pm and spend Sunday together as a family.
Congratulations on the new baby. I hope the placement goes well.

OP has a new baby and a child with SEN - it is likely from all her posts that she is a SAHP at least at present, as many couples with a child having additional needs have to set themselves up

The school day is much shorter than the man’s working day.

I recommend that DH uses the Waze app to check the route before he starts his commute to identify any roadworks etc.

Rent, don't buy. Then you will be be able to assess in a year if he can find ways to sustain the commute and if your DC has settled in the school. IDH will feel less trapped in the commute and a mortgage. It will also ensure you get to know the town and so will know about the areas in the town when you do buy.

True, but the child has SEN.

There’s no fabulous solution here, sadly.

You're setting your husband up to fail. He has already shown signs of high stress. Listen to him before he has a break-down.
Also, consider the impact on the whole family too, of growing up in an area which you describe so negatively.

Strongly recommend you at least give the school commute a decent trial, ideally for a whole school year.

A one hour commute isn't really that bad BUT it can feel it if you really don't want to do it.

If much of the 45 minute drive is spent sitting in traffic, would cycling not still be an option?

I think pp have given good advice re making it as least stressful as possible eg podcasts, being well organised, clothes/lunch etc ready the night before. I had a couple of years as a single parent when I had a 65 minute commute (20 minutes in wrong direction to leave young DC with my parents then 45 minutes to actually get to work) and I found that being ultra organised was key, and was very fortunate that I had little to do when I got home as my lovely mum had dinner ready for me when I got back to collect DC.

I feel sorry for you all either way the predicament though, it sounds like an impossible situation. I previously left a job due to burnout and it took a massive toll on me mentally & physically.

Ooof. It is hard when the time of day that you see as your lifeline is taken away. I love my commute (two twenty minute walks either side of a short train ride) so I get it.
BUT this is called being a parent, isn’t it? You suck up stuff that is less fun for you when it’s what the family needs.

Can he factor in some recreational bike rides (ideally with at least one child in a bike seat with him) as part of his routine in the summer evenings? Or as another op suggested can he cycle part of the way to work?

and ultimately he needs to ensure that he isn’t making his bad mood everyone else’s problem when there are bigger things like a Sen toddler and a new born baby going on right now!