How can we stop our 12yo sleeping on our floor??

[Jones3A]

Fucking broken with exhaustion and struggling not to just get really mad even though we know that's not going to work.
DS is prone to phases of anxiety around security/clinginess.
Currently 4 weeks into overnight wake ups where he marches into our room with his pillow and sleeps on the floor.
Any gentle / patient attempt to get him to try to resettle in his own bed rapidly spirals, he gets hysterical and we end up getting angry.
He won't even begin to try. Not to read, not to listen to quiet music, not to have us resettle him, nothing. He goes wild.
How the hell are we going to break this pattern?
We are both under a lot of work stress and the nightly drama is making it so much worse.
Any advice gladly received. I know we're making a shit job of this. In the wee hours I'm not in the best head space to handle it.

But the question is why is he doing this?

This is not normal.

Many boys of 12 are going through puberty or very close to that.

What's triggered this?

Posters asking why the OP doesn't like it- surely it's obvious!

It could affect her sex life (if they sleep naked afterwards) and just their intimacy and privacy.

Is that too hard to understand?

My DD does this sometimes but at bedtime and not during the night. She's 9. DP and I tend to go to bed early most nights.

I tried everything. In the end I let her sleep at the bottom of the bed on the floor. She'd either get up in the night to go to the toilet and back to her bed, or I'd get up to go and I'd wake her and in her sleep she'd be coaxed back.

This DD in general can be anxious sometimes. She doesn't like me going out and won't sleep till I'm home. I hope she grows out of it.

If he's unhappy or being bullied that needs to be identified- not just dealing with the effects.

I think you're mistaken. Sorry.

This is not normal for a 12 year old.

A younger child with 'night terrors' yes but unless he's regressed this is not normal.

It's odd you have no empathy for his mum who does not want her own private space invaded by a child on the edge of puberty.

Ds slept with me until he turned 13. He has complex special needs and we both need the sleep.

Gently he's a 12 year old boy, and he wants to sleep on a mattress on his parents' floor instead of in his own room? The thing you need to do to break this pattern is find out why it is happening!! Also make sure that you completely drop any hint of being tired of it around the child. At 12 he's not doing this for the fun of it, there is something badly upsetting the kid. Until you have found out what it is and helped him with it, let him stay.

@Jones3A You need to look at what's going on in his life that you may not know about.

Screen time? Is he watching things online you're unaware of?
Cyber bullying?
Bullying at school?

First thing I'd do is make an appt at school with his form tutor or pastoral staff and discuss this.

Something has triggered this and you need to get to the bottom of it.

I also agree that there may be a place for counselling as 'separation anxiety' at 12 is happening for a reason. Maybe he's confused about changes to his body (puberty), maybe there's stuff going on you don't know about.

His his Dad around at home? Can he talk to him?

Sometimes you can’t see the wood for the trees @Jones3A and it feels like it’s wrong and should be stopped and then you spiral adding to the anxiety and pressure. I hope seeing so many people here saying that it’s fine and just lean into it helps you and then your son. Honestly you will look back and laugh about it with him… and even look back fondly on having him in your room when he’s a great big teenager who grunts in your direction and barely acknowledges your existence!

What I would say is we always did say dd (it was our dd who went through this stage ages 9-12) that she had to start the night in her room and bed and that she could come through to the wee bed on our floor and could she try not to waken us up- if she could help it. This meant she came through before the getting upset and worked up stage which meant most times she did just creep and sleep - disturbing no one. It also allowed us to have a healthy adult relationship at bedtime still too 😆 She also then realised that she was settling herself and calming herself down, and the only thing that had changed was how she felt. Which led to her being able to do this on her own.

Ignore it - it will pass. Make some rules - he must not wake you up being the main one.

Something is worrying him and that too will pass in time. He is of an age when sharing this with you is probably not on the cards. Go with the flow for now.

Yup but when you become a parent you become a parent.

If you want the house to revolve around your nakedness and sex schedules stay childless.

They have to help him through this

Given he's been 'prone' to anxiety before I do think professional help is needed.

I'm shocked at how may posters think this is fine, normal and just go with it.

It's very intrusive for a couple to have a child of 12 enter their bedroom in the night and also impossible for them not to wake and have disturbed sleep.

At 12 he's likely to be in year 8 at school. Having worked with children of that age for many years, I can assure you this is not the norm.

If he was younger- maybe.

What's missing here is the OP and her H don't seem to have talked to him and asked 'why?'

It all needs unpicking and I'd be looking for a child psychologist to offer 1:1 privately, to help him.

@Calliopespa how to tell someone doesnt have pre-teens or teens. Sorry @BringontheSunAgain it ain’t happening (unless they’re at school).

There is a big difference between life revolving around nakedness and getting a decent night's sleep and feeling your own bedroom is private .

He is TWELVE- probably pubescent- not 6.

It just isn’t happening when the Dc is wanting to be in the room.

Something has happened to trigger this and banning him from coming in is only going to make it worse.

This is a daytime conversation issue, not a nighttime discipline one imo.

Don't understand what you mean.

I have adult children ..

Our youngest did this for a while at the same age. Kept coming into our room and sleeping on the floor.

We just let her do it as long as she crept in and didn't disturb us. For some reason she was just going through a period where she felt more secure being with us at night.

We did talk to her about it and got to the bottom of it. She had been sent something by a friend, a video clip of something that had scared the life out of her and she was getting scared in her room on her own at night. Her imagination was running away with her.

After lots of chats about it, and helping her see that it was her imagination and reassurance that she was okay, she became more comfortable to sleep in her own room again and then after a while she was fine and it never happened again.

I don't get the drama and arguments. They are totally unnecessary and no wonder you are all exhausted. Just try and be understanding and allow him to do it. Its not really harming you in any way is it?

Then sit him down and try and have a conversation and find out why he is wanting to come into your room. Hopefully he will open up to you and you can go from there.

Also, all sorts of things inhibit parents sex lives. Two years ago my friend had to sleep over at the hospital with her dd for months.

It’s just part of the job description.

It wasn’t Slenderman was it?

I remember there was a thing about that for a while and lots of Dc not sleeping.

YES!!!!

It terrified her. She was petrified he was coming to get her.

You're focusing far too much on the sex aspect.

I mentioned it once. And it's a valid point. He's 12.

Comparing it with a family looking after a child in hospital is nonsensical to be blunt.

If you read my other posts I have made many other suggestions including professional counselling.

We have an extra bed in our younger DS's (13) room that one of us sleeps in when he has this kind of night anxiety. It's not ideal but it works and is better than what you describe. Do you have space to have another bed in DS room? If so, could one of you sleep in there with him then at least you're all getting a full night's sleep.

He isn't doing it to piss you off, and it really isn't all about you.

The problem isn't the sleeping on the floor.

Something's wrong.

And it's your job as the parent and the adult working with the school and maybe the GP to find out what it is.

He's 12.

So adolescence is raging. How's he feeling about it?

He may have changed schools? Everything different?

Friends problem. At 12 my friend group splintered and fractured.

Girl/boy problem and no idea how to deal with it.

Gangs.

Bullying.

Health anxiety (mine was appendicitis which I never had but it was the first serious illness I ever heard of - and I got obsessed).

Safety anxiety. They're seeing terrifying things on their phones and he may be overwhelmed. I'd become aware of the possibility of burglars, and vaguely of sexual assault, around that age.

The one thing we require children to do that we don't require of ourselves? To sleep alone.

We all know why op doesn’t like it.

We are just saying that while they sort it out - which needs to happen at a different level than just having a rule he isn’t allowed in the room - they might just have to suck it up.

I slept in my mom's bed when I was 12. I hated my bed. Once we re-did my room and I got a new bed set up, I moved to my own room.

Oh, I’ve been here - you have my sympathy - it’s feels really concerning as having to go back to night awakenings is not something you ever anticipate BUT please remember you’re not the first to deal with this, it’s ok. My dc would full on panic attack and not sleep at all if I tried to resettle or left them in their own room when they awoke. In the end I realised the most important things were that a) we all got some sleep and b) they felt secure. Stick a bed roll in your room and just let them get on with it for the time being. Bizarrely, what really helped in the end for us was a salt lamp in dc’s room and in the hallway - gentle dim warm glow that somehow makes them feel safer. I totally laughed at the person who recommended it but was so desperate I bought some and it made a difference so what do I know?! Good luck, they’re not deliberately doing it to p”ss you off, they obv just need some major reassurance. My dc is now 14 and only disturbed me once in the night in the last 18 months so have faith it can (& will) come right again!