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Original poster

How can we stop our 12yo sleeping on our floor??

458 replies

Jones3A · 14/05/2025 23:42

Fucking broken with exhaustion and struggling not to just get really mad even though we know that's not going to work.
DS is prone to phases of anxiety around security/clinginess.
Currently 4 weeks into overnight wake ups where he marches into our room with his pillow and sleeps on the floor.
Any gentle / patient attempt to get him to try to resettle in his own bed rapidly spirals, he gets hysterical and we end up getting angry.
He won't even begin to try. Not to read, not to listen to quiet music, not to have us resettle him, nothing. He goes wild.
How the hell are we going to break this pattern?
We are both under a lot of work stress and the nightly drama is making it so much worse.
Any advice gladly received. I know we're making a shit job of this. In the wee hours I'm not in the best head space to handle it.

OP posts:
WiddlinDiddlin · 15/05/2025 03:34

Needing extra security when you sleep is indicative of high levels of anxiety/insecurity...

Forcing him not to is going to increase that further, which isn't going to result in you getting the sleep you need.

I agree with PP - let him, but make it absolutely crystal clear that he is NOT to wake you, he absolutely is old enough to understand you need your sleep too. I like the idea of putting a mattress of some sort down, as the better sleep he gets, the better able he is to overcome any anxiety/insecurity.

I'd also look at why he is experiencing this.

Honestly, no one of any species seeks security like this if they do not genuinely feel they need to.

Eenameenadeeka · 15/05/2025 03:36

My concern would be around the well-being of the child here, this is quite unusual for the age. I'd be seeking support with their anxiety, they must be really struggling.

Frozensun · 15/05/2025 03:41

You say that he’s probe to anxiety. I think the important thing is to help him manage that. Have you considered a counsellor that can give him strategies to help? I think it’s important that he have skills before it develops any more. Anxiety can be crippling. He may not even know why he’s feeling this way.
in the meantime, I’d do as others suggest. Set out a temporary bed. He needs to be quiet and not wake you. 12 is still very young. It’s good that you’re his safe place.

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12 year olds Families
ApplesinmyPocket · 15/05/2025 03:43

There doesn't need to be any 'nightly drama', OP.

It's not weird, or unusual, or bad, for a young human to need the comfort of sleeping next to other humans.

(I was SIXTEEN the last time I sloped into my mum's room clutching my pillow and quietly settled to sleep beside her. I still remember the comfort and relief of it.. Nights can be hard, and lonely, and frightening.)

If you're 'broken with exhaustion' and ;'struggling with the drama.' then take the drama away. No drama, no big deal. As he goes to bed, "If you want to come in in the night DS it's fine, but please come in quietly!'

Missey85 · 15/05/2025 04:01

Sunshineonbluebells · 15/05/2025 01:05

Bloody hell.

A 12 year old dictating their parents sleep patterns?,

I'd be very firm, saying go back to your own bed.

Obviously lots of reassurance, soothing talk, but letting the child dictate this kind of sleep pattern?

NO WAY

By 12 my parents had started locking the door 🤣 his not a toddler

Fiver555 · 15/05/2025 04:23

Just let him. It's you creating the drama. What's the big deal? You are making him feel even more upset - he needs you at night at the moment, but you are making it clear you don't want him. How to make an insecure boy even more insecure. Just be loving.

whynotmereally · 15/05/2025 04:41

I’d leave him just ask him to be quiet Hesnot doing it because he feels happy and secure. You then need to support him to work on whatever he’s struggling with.

Mummyoflittledragon · 15/05/2025 04:58

He’s probably doing this in a performative way because he wants you to notice there is something really wrong. I’d do what pretty much everyone else is saying. Mattress on the floor, he comes in quietly so as not to disturb you. And you start to talk about what is going on for him in his world. Hopefully he will open up soon and let you know why he is struggling.

Itsnotallaboutyoulikeyouthink · 15/05/2025 05:50

Fgs buy a blow up bed and put him to bed in your room drama over. How can this even be an issue.

mumonthehill · 15/05/2025 05:59

You need to deal with his anxiety so arrange some counselling or see the GP. Ds slept sometimes in with us until that age but I do think it is unusual and my ds was struggling with some things at school. You definitely now need to get to the bottom of it but in the meantime let him sleep on the floor.

Shimmyshimmycocobop · 15/05/2025 06:19

DS2 used to sleep in my room on occasion at this age although I was a single parent so he just got into the bed. He was a very anxious boy, stuff going on with his dad didn't help. He's now 20 at Uni and I don't see nearly enough of him. Try not to make a big issue of it and it will pass, probably quite soon.

TooGoodToGoto · 15/05/2025 06:29

WinterFoxes · 14/05/2025 23:51

This might sound like rubbish advice, but there is a logic to it. I'd go with it and give him what he wants. The more you resist it, the more he will feel anxiety around it.

I'd set up an inflatable mattress on the floor near your bed, with a duvet and very low night light that won't disturb your sleep. Tell him he is welcome to creep in and sleep in your room whenever he wants but because you have to work, and because sleep deprivation is really dangerous in adults who have to drive or have responsibilities, then the rule is not to wake you. I'd even allow a bit of temporary babying - add a soft toy and say it's there to remind him you love him and he's welcome to be there, even if you are still asleep. Make it clear it's not his presence you object to but the impact of the sleep deprivation If he does wake you, just say in a very slurred, sleepy voice 'Snuggle down' and don't enter any conversation.

My guess is it will pass once he is reassured. 12 is such a weird age when they feel as if they ought to start being adult-like or teen-like but part of them wants to return to the safety of childhood. A bit of regression is common at that age.

I might (in the daytime!) do some gentle chatting to discover if he is having any issues at school with friends or being teased or picked on by pupils or teachers, or if something else is worrying him. If not, it's probably just the transition from childhood, and it will pass.

Perfect advice

hhtddbkoygv · 15/05/2025 06:30

The gentle attempt didn't work because a gentle attempt would be to let him continue as he's clearly anxious.

Needspaceforlego · 15/05/2025 06:35

I'm another who'd let him. You all need sleep why cause drama. I'll bet if he does it for a few nights he'll feel more settled.
Trying to put him back to bed is causing more drama and probably causing him more anxiety.

If you have a camp mat or exercise mat lying around I'd make it available for him.

Humans are kind of weird no other animals puts their kids to bed away from them.

Flossingisforteeth · 15/05/2025 06:37

Let him OP. There must be a reason, he needs to feels safe so he can share it with you.

Make quiet space for him, explain that he's welcome to use it for sleeping but only to wake you in an emergency as everyone needs sleep to be well enough to function the following day.

If he has to wake you from habit, then take it in turns with DP to sleep in DS's room - return to toddler days. Good luck op. He'll not be sleeping in with you at 21 and hopefully will share the issue so you can work together to support and solve.

Landlubber2019 · 15/05/2025 06:39

@Jones3A please give yourself and your son a break. If he needs to sleep on your floor, let him. Why is it so important that he returns to his own room?

My Ds1 was exactly like yours, as long as he us considerate in allowing you to sleep, I don't see the issue here. It won't be forever, I can assure you of that xxx

ThreenagerCentral · 15/05/2025 06:43

Just imagine how anxious and frightened you’d have to feel to sleep on a bare floor with just a pillow.

Lardychops · 15/05/2025 06:44

This sounds like a trauma response - any indicator as to what may have triggered it. Speak to school maybe to check in? X

MerylSqueak · 15/05/2025 06:44

Having a 14yo son and having had brothers and working in a Secondary School, I think thee transition to Secondary School is very difficult for boys. Primary school does not prepare them for being around hundreds of boys and young men all jockeying for position. There's lots of noise, lots of pushing - real and metaphorical and they are being obliged to grow up very fast when perhaps they're not particularly ready. It can be very tough even if nothing is particularly wrong.

I understand the frustration because I hate sleep deprivation but I also would just let him do it. It won't be forever.

Sapana · 15/05/2025 06:50

BeEagerEagle · 15/05/2025 01:07

I’m so sorry, I can’t believe what people are saying about just letting him do it. Crazy. You and your husband need your privacy. You need to sit your child down and try to get to the bottom of what may have happened a month ago to cause him to start doing this. Is everything ok at school? Could something have happened to upset him? Is he having nightmares or sleep paralysis?

If talking doesn’t work you need to make a doctors appointment for him asap.

It's fine that you think sex is more important than the welfare of an anxious child but it's not "crazy" that people disagree with you. It won't be "forever" ffs. Calm down.

It may be more complicated than just "sitting him down" and demanding to know what's going on.

OP it can be an anxious age there's a lot of change for them. I would be starting him off in my room or sleeping in his on a mattress for a few weeks to break the cycle. Him feeling that you're pulling away and he has to work for this attention/ reassurance is probably making it worse. And you would all get some proper sleep. Sleep deprivation makes everything so much worse.

Seeing a counsellor couldn't hurt. I wouldn't jump to assuming that it's trauma or something big has happened. Anxiety can start manifesting like this. And a lot of parents above have described it as a phase their kids went through.

Speaking to a counsellor ( he could do it on Zoom) would give him a safe space to work through it and reassure him that he's not alone with these emotions and you're not going to leave him to fight it out by himself.

I'm sorry that you're having all this worry at the same time as work stuff, sounds really hard.

Rainbowcat99 · 15/05/2025 06:51

My ds went through this phase, although a bit younger. I never did find out why but we just sort of rolled with it and eventually my snoring drove him back to his own room 🥴
The harder you fight this the more appealing it becomes!

Original poster
Jones3A · 15/05/2025 06:55

Thanks so much for all the really helpful and constructive replies. I'm reading through them and will reply later on to answer the questions.

OP posts:
SoManyDandelions · 15/05/2025 06:59

I agree with the majority of PP - set up an air bed on the floor and let him come in quietly. Everyone gets maximum sleep and there is no drama.

DS2 was a very insecure sleeper so we had this set up for years. He would start off in his own bed (so DH and I did get some privacy, which seems to be the focus of some of the 'sort it out NOW' posts) but would appear next to me at around 2am. I'd often only notice in the morning when I got up.

DS1 used to LOVE having a 'sleepover' in my bed when DH was away - by the time he was 13 he was horrified by the idea. So I can't imagine it will last for long!

Allmarbleslost · 15/05/2025 07:10

It sounds like it's you who's casing the night time drama. Why can't he sleep on your floor?

Growsomeballswoman · 15/05/2025 07:12

My DS did this, I made him up a bed on my floor so he knew he could come in anytime. He used it and then had no need. It made him feel secure knowing it was there. I made absolutely no issue out of it.