How can we stop our 12yo sleeping on our floor??

[Jones3A]

Fucking broken with exhaustion and struggling not to just get really mad even though we know that's not going to work.
DS is prone to phases of anxiety around security/clinginess.
Currently 4 weeks into overnight wake ups where he marches into our room with his pillow and sleeps on the floor.
Any gentle / patient attempt to get him to try to resettle in his own bed rapidly spirals, he gets hysterical and we end up getting angry.
He won't even begin to try. Not to read, not to listen to quiet music, not to have us resettle him, nothing. He goes wild.
How the hell are we going to break this pattern?
We are both under a lot of work stress and the nightly drama is making it so much worse.
Any advice gladly received. I know we're making a shit job of this. In the wee hours I'm not in the best head space to handle it.

As a child who used to do this at that age right up to 16 i did it because i wanted to sleep in the same room as my mum because i was in a desperate state of anxiety, depression and was suicidal when i was searching for this comfort. I was suffering silently with bullying, SA and abonadoment from my father. Please be his comfort mental illness can be so consuming and lonely... Night times can be the loneliest when the world is quite and your mind is racing 🙏

We had a spare bed in our bedroom (nowhere else to put it) for years and the last time DCS20 used it he was around 14/15 and had a nightmare. He didn’t wake me up, just got in the bed and felt better he was in the same room as us.

He is feeling insecure. Why try and make him go back to bed?He needs reassurance. Our daughter at that age used to wake in the night and come into our bed.
I assure you it will stop when he is a teenager.
Sorry to say,but you are making it about you not him.

Be flattered you are his safe space and don't push him away. I would be concerned what has triggered this anxiety and try and speak to him when you are in a calm state of mind.

I do think if he is 12 you could explain to him that you need your sleep, so if he is okay just being with you you would appreciate not being woken, but if he wants to talk, don't be afraid to wake you.

I hope you get to the bottom of the cause and can resolve it.

I have a 12 year old who loves to sleep in my bed, his dad works away and first chance he gets he’s in with me. He won’t be 18 and still sleeping on your floor. By reassuring him, letting him sleep on the floor without drama, you are creating trust and security, this in turn will calm his nervous system and foster independence. Ask him to come in quietly so as not to wake you up. X

He's not a 3 year old clambering in with knees that could break an MMA fighters back, make it easier for you all, it won't last

Put a lock on your bedroom door and take him to the gp for a talking therapy referral

My older boy still got in my bed when he first started high school, settled every night in his own easy. I’d wake to him by my side. Loads of people lectured me but a lovely lady who worked in Social Services at the time told me. He does that because you’re his safe place, being next to you brings him comfort when other things make him scared/anxious. She advised me to ignore the others leave him to it. Soon enough, he stopped, few months later I realised my baby had done his last snuggle with mum. Your situation is not exactly the same but I’ll bet it’s all because you’re his safe space. I hope your son feels better and you all start getting some decent sleep.

No wonder CAMHS are overwhelmed.
A frightened kid looking for reassurance, looking to be close to his parents, is locked out and referred to MH services.

But the time he gets an appointment his issues will have got worse because his parents didn't show him love and kindness when he was looking for it
And the original issue will be long forgotten

Are you actually serious?? Lock on the door - I despair of some people. The lad is going through something that is causing anxiety, he needs comfort when the house is at it’s quietest, the minutes seem like hours, and your mind works on overtime, and your answer is to lock him out of where he feels safe. Absolutely shocking response. I hope you don’t have kids.

I would make up a bed on the floor and say it’s fine one one condition, you don’t wake me! They will stop, just a phase

We have been exactly where you are and can relate to how stressful it is! We discovered PDA and researched it ourselves, finding it fit our kid perfectly. Then had a specialist privately diagnose ASD with a PDA profile. Get in touch if you’d like any more details of our similar story (that we’re on the other side of now!).

No she didn’t. She wanted help for herself not her child it was all about how she can get sleep and get him back in his own bed.

The first thing I need to ask is if there is a special need here such as autism. Secondly, address the specific anxiety. Only then can you start to address the sleeping situation. “The Space Programme” for anxiety and “Teach Your Child to Sleep” are two books I recommend to parents. Good luck.

Our 2nd DS slept in our room , bed sharing then on the floor until he was around 13(?)
When I say on the floor I mean initially on an air bed( we were thinking it wouldn't be long) then a camp bed then a deluxe camp bed!
He had his bunk bed in his room ( sharing a room with his DB) but wanted to be with us!
When he was 8 we had our unplanned , much loved DD so we adjusted the space for her baby basket/cot ,
He’s now 22, happy, living life in Edinburgh ( Phd)
Went off at 18, different Uni, did well in exams, degree, he’s a confident traveller ( I struggle to get the train anywhere!)
So who cares if they need to be with you at night, they need comfort, security, love
it does not last forever.

At that age, because of having had to stay at a GM’s house, where both a GF and a GGF had recently died, I was petrified of the mere idea of ghosts. There was no rational reason for it - I just was. Not that I’d ever have tried to sleep in my DPs’ room - it would never have been allowed, so it never entered my head. But for what seemed ages I was always so scared of going upstairs to bed.

Could it be something like that? In any case, I agree with pps that he should be allowed to continue, as long as he must be absolutely quiet and not wake you.

Agree. Is there any reason you can think of why he would feel this way - is he able to explain it when you ask him?

Again absolutely astounded that not more people just walk the child back when they hear them come in, and then sleep / stay close in the child's own bedroom.

I know other children who slept in their parents' beds and they are still needing a lot of bedtime attention even at 18! Some still don't like to do sleep overs or trips away. Generally anxious too.

I believe children in situations like this do need empathy and closeness but make that happen in their own bedroom so that they feel that their room is a safe space too, and not a place they need 'saving' from.

If not, you as a parent are subconsciously telling the child that you are 'saving them' (away from their bedroom) and that your own bedroom is the only safe place, and that they're only safe when they're with you. Also, self soothing needs to sometimes be learnt, especially with children who are more anxious. My youngest is more anxious and I had to often go into his bedroom and bed when he was younger. Of course, sometimes he came into our bed when young but mostly we would make sure we walked back and stayed with him.

This is of course in the moment incredibly exhausting i.e. having to leave your own bed but, believe me, in the long term it's better for everyone's sleep and mental health (my anxious, slightly clingy son is now more than happy to explore and go on long trips away and is very happy, sociable and settled).

I agree, absolutely this needs to be handled with calm love and empathy.

However, I actually think the fact that we don't let children build their resilience and helping them feel safe in their own room and, importantly, on their own, is probably a bigger contributor to the explosion of anxiety and mental health problems in young people.

100% this!!!

I can’t believe people are saying that because some parents aren’t keeping kids in their own room, this is causing an explosion in mental health.

what a ridiculous idea. If anything it’s the other way around.

Show your kids you’ve got their back, and they’ll grow a backbone.

of course we all need to get comfortable with being uncomfortable but not at night when you need to rest.

Autonomy, agency and independence is taught during the day, not in the middle of the night when you’re scared because your adult brain hasn’t developed enough yet to sort fact from fiction.

You sound unhinged. Feel sorry for you children 😁

Last paragraph sums it up.

All that being unresponsive to a scared child does is disturb them further.

Agree with above.

When I am anxious about something, I have really noticed my logical brain during the day throwing up far different scenarios to those at 3am when I can’t calm myself down or sleep.

That can be peri menopause actually!