Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Chat

Join the discussion and chat with other Mumsnetters about everyday life, relationships and parenting.

Original poster

How can we stop our 12yo sleeping on our floor??

458 replies

Jones3A · 14/05/2025 23:42

Fucking broken with exhaustion and struggling not to just get really mad even though we know that's not going to work.
DS is prone to phases of anxiety around security/clinginess.
Currently 4 weeks into overnight wake ups where he marches into our room with his pillow and sleeps on the floor.
Any gentle / patient attempt to get him to try to resettle in his own bed rapidly spirals, he gets hysterical and we end up getting angry.
He won't even begin to try. Not to read, not to listen to quiet music, not to have us resettle him, nothing. He goes wild.
How the hell are we going to break this pattern?
We are both under a lot of work stress and the nightly drama is making it so much worse.
Any advice gladly received. I know we're making a shit job of this. In the wee hours I'm not in the best head space to handle it.

OP posts:
DuchessofReality · 15/05/2025 08:41

Agree with everyone that this needs to be a daytime conversation (and it may take more than one) rather than a night time argument.

Dont tell him he can’t come in or he has to go back. This is a phase and it will pass, so just work on strategies to manage it.

Eg - how about he just sleeps on the floor all night rather than coming in half way through?
Can one parent sleep elsewhere for a while?
Could you invite a cousin or a friend for a sleepover - would he like that? To break the cycle?

Give him the message that obviously this is temporary, but it is OK for him to want to be with you, and you are here to help.

YourWildAmberSloth · 15/05/2025 08:44

Sounds like the tween equivalent of a young child waking up and getting in his parents bed. I agree with others, let him do it as long as he does it quietly (creeping in, not marching in) and doesn't wake you. Have a chat with him in the morning/daytime about why he suddenly wants to but don't make him feel that he has to justify it - he can still come in regardless, you are just curious to know if there's anything going on.

WhichPage · 15/05/2025 08:44

Honestly I suggest take the easy route there are no medals for the hard way.

Make him somewhere nice to sleep and ask him not to wake you up when he comes in or make a second bed in his room and offer the reassurance by sleeping in there for a few weeks.

Then consider what is waking him and why and bring in tools to support eg an Alexa with talking books or music to play if he wakes up in the night for example.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

12 year olds Families
Whiteflowerscreed · 15/05/2025 08:44

WinterFoxes · 14/05/2025 23:51

This might sound like rubbish advice, but there is a logic to it. I'd go with it and give him what he wants. The more you resist it, the more he will feel anxiety around it.

I'd set up an inflatable mattress on the floor near your bed, with a duvet and very low night light that won't disturb your sleep. Tell him he is welcome to creep in and sleep in your room whenever he wants but because you have to work, and because sleep deprivation is really dangerous in adults who have to drive or have responsibilities, then the rule is not to wake you. I'd even allow a bit of temporary babying - add a soft toy and say it's there to remind him you love him and he's welcome to be there, even if you are still asleep. Make it clear it's not his presence you object to but the impact of the sleep deprivation If he does wake you, just say in a very slurred, sleepy voice 'Snuggle down' and don't enter any conversation.

My guess is it will pass once he is reassured. 12 is such a weird age when they feel as if they ought to start being adult-like or teen-like but part of them wants to return to the safety of childhood. A bit of regression is common at that age.

I might (in the daytime!) do some gentle chatting to discover if he is having any issues at school with friends or being teased or picked on by pupils or teachers, or if something else is worrying him. If not, it's probably just the transition from childhood, and it will pass.

Same advice as this

Iwishicouldflyhigh · 15/05/2025 08:45

Jones3A · 14/05/2025 23:42

Fucking broken with exhaustion and struggling not to just get really mad even though we know that's not going to work.
DS is prone to phases of anxiety around security/clinginess.
Currently 4 weeks into overnight wake ups where he marches into our room with his pillow and sleeps on the floor.
Any gentle / patient attempt to get him to try to resettle in his own bed rapidly spirals, he gets hysterical and we end up getting angry.
He won't even begin to try. Not to read, not to listen to quiet music, not to have us resettle him, nothing. He goes wild.
How the hell are we going to break this pattern?
We are both under a lot of work stress and the nightly drama is making it so much worse.
Any advice gladly received. I know we're making a shit job of this. In the wee hours I'm not in the best head space to handle it.

I’d be inviting him in to my bed.

these stages will pass. He won’t still be doing this at 30 and I read somewhere that the very safest place for a child (in their mind) is their parent’s bed.

my 12 yo DD goes through stages of coming in and then will stop fir a while. The bed visiting stages are becoming fewer. In all other ways she is confident and happy, she just has a vivid imagination.

TheInternetNeverForgets · 15/05/2025 08:52

I feel your pain a bit. I have an 11 year old who is quite an anxious child. She doesn’t tend to waken through the night, but sometimes I have to sit on her bed until she falls asleep (unless I want her tossing and turning until 2am). It’s crappy because I really need my evenings but it just is what it is. She needs it just now.

Her anxiety is driven mainly by friendship issues at school. It is all minor rubbish and a lot of it is her catastrophising or reading things that aren’t there. It’s frustrating because it’s not really something I can fix for her. She refuses point blank to take any steps to improve it. I’ve bought books, I’ve looked up exercises, I’ve role played with her, I’ve spoken to her teacher. But she seems to want to just sink into it which is a mentality I am really finding difficult.

But I put a face on it and just get on with it. It will pass.

Calliopespa · 15/05/2025 08:56

andweallloveclover · 15/05/2025 08:26

YES!!!!

It terrified her. She was petrified he was coming to get her.

Show quote history

I recall that. A friends DD was telling me about him and he didn’t really sound that bad - just had eyeballs and no pupils or something? But they were all beside themselves!

FamilyUnfriendly · 15/05/2025 09:00

Quite surprised by the overwhelming 'let him' responses.

Obviously, there's the 'why' question and this totally informs the answer. The 'why' can range from serious need and therefore you accommodate him, to simply a bit of a habit forming / attention seeking that is not coming from anything significant to worry about.

I cannot imagine my parents entertaining this with me!

In terms of how to stop it, well there's carrot and stick isn't there. So you can choose which way you go - I'd be inclined for carrot as it's not 'bad' behaviour. So - money, extra xbox hour, whatever, when he doesn't come in at night. Obviously you can't carry on giving him money for this forever, so what you do is after a month or two of being rinsed, you change the thing he gets a reward for, so now he needs to ... empty the dishwasher... or whatever, to earn the money (or whatever). The idea is the habit is broken by that point so he won't then go back to old ways. Then just carry on switching up the task every now and then to train him on being a helpful human.

Easier said than done but if talking alone isn't solving, more direct consequence is needed.

Calliopespa · 15/05/2025 09:02

FamilyUnfriendly · 15/05/2025 09:00

Quite surprised by the overwhelming 'let him' responses.

Obviously, there's the 'why' question and this totally informs the answer. The 'why' can range from serious need and therefore you accommodate him, to simply a bit of a habit forming / attention seeking that is not coming from anything significant to worry about.

I cannot imagine my parents entertaining this with me!

In terms of how to stop it, well there's carrot and stick isn't there. So you can choose which way you go - I'd be inclined for carrot as it's not 'bad' behaviour. So - money, extra xbox hour, whatever, when he doesn't come in at night. Obviously you can't carry on giving him money for this forever, so what you do is after a month or two of being rinsed, you change the thing he gets a reward for, so now he needs to ... empty the dishwasher... or whatever, to earn the money (or whatever). The idea is the habit is broken by that point so he won't then go back to old ways. Then just carry on switching up the task every now and then to train him on being a helpful human.

Easier said than done but if talking alone isn't solving, more direct consequence is needed.

The problem with that is that if there is an underlying issue you are basically just buying your way out of addressing it with money or x-box hours.

WhoAteAllTheDinosaurs · 15/05/2025 09:10

I was this child, something scared me badly at the same age, I had nightmares, flashbacks and was terrified on my own, and needed some comfort from my parents.
They got angry with me and sent me away, angrily.
I expect I would have felt a lot better much quicker with the comfort of feeling safe, and learnt quicker to settle myself. Instead, I learnt that love and support has a limit, and that love is not unconditional.
My son is doing something similar now. I just made him a bed in our room, asked him to come in quietly and to try not to wake us up, but that if he was scared and needed a cuddle that was of course fine. Funnily enough, now that is there, he is sleeping much better in his own room. Stop having the fight, OP, it isn't worth it. Let him do it, but set some boundaries around it.

Kelly1969 · 15/05/2025 09:14

TeenLifeMum · 14/05/2025 23:56

Why wouldn’t you just let him? I’d get an ikea foam mattress and pop it down as my concern would be his comfort. He needs reassurance and is openly letting you know that. It’ll pass. No action required except kindness. Remind him to be super quiet so he doesn’t wake you.

Edited

Action is clearly needed or OP wouldn’t be posting, so quite rude to be so dismissive.
OP is exhausted, sleep deprivation is brutal, so perhaps take your own advice about kindness.

TheCornishGoodLife · 15/05/2025 09:17

I am also a little surprised by the ‘let him’ responses as well. I used to be a primary school teacher and would say that this isn’t really appropriate. It’s so important to teach your child boundaries.
But I do agree that it is also important to unpick the reasoning behind it because, whilst it’s not unusual, it’s not normal behaviour for a 12 year old.
When I was a child (similar age) I also tried to do this after bad nightmares, but my mum would very firmly (but sympathetically), say no and tuck me back into my own bed. She was very sympathetic and we chatted about it in the daytime the next day, and she got to the root of the problem. We rationalised my fears, and we made a plan together to make my own room a special haven that I wanted to sleep in - we went out shopping to choose a night light, some audiobooks, and some new pyjamas etc. This way I was excited to go to bed and try out my new things. She then praised me and told me she was proud of me when I stayed in my own room.
I remember feeling really proud that I’d tackled the problem on my own - it taught me a lot about independence.
Obviously the action you take is dictated to an extent by the reasoning behind this, so getting to the root of the issue is the first thing to do. Good luck!

CatHairEveryWhereNow · 15/05/2025 09:19

Agree with everyone that this needs to be a daytime conversation (and it may take more than one) rather than a night time argument.

This - it's probably school friendship issues but there is something going on that needs addressing. Also if school is hard having outside groups can help them.

My kids by this age had audio books/cd players and when they woke would often put them on rather than sit worrying in dark. Eldest two likely have ADHD and are bad sleepers generally - so looking at sleep promoting methods - clear room encouaging them to do school work in other parts of the house -lavender scents etc.

Short term I'd not make an issue of it make it work and tell him to come in quietly - but try and work out any causes - see if there any help you can get with anxiety see if school has any suggestion round issue or support. Long term clearly you want him back in his own room.

Kelly1969 · 15/05/2025 09:20

Jones3A · 14/05/2025 23:42

Fucking broken with exhaustion and struggling not to just get really mad even though we know that's not going to work.
DS is prone to phases of anxiety around security/clinginess.
Currently 4 weeks into overnight wake ups where he marches into our room with his pillow and sleeps on the floor.
Any gentle / patient attempt to get him to try to resettle in his own bed rapidly spirals, he gets hysterical and we end up getting angry.
He won't even begin to try. Not to read, not to listen to quiet music, not to have us resettle him, nothing. He goes wild.
How the hell are we going to break this pattern?
We are both under a lot of work stress and the nightly drama is making it so much worse.
Any advice gladly received. I know we're making a shit job of this. In the wee hours I'm not in the best head space to handle it.

Is your son neurodivergent?
my daughters (grown up at 21,19) both have autism and the youngest has LD and anxiety
that has prevented her going to school for best part of two years (and me going to work)
my daughter slept in my bed with me for over a year (started with coming thru in the night but got earlier and earlier) so I absolutely get how draining that is.
I would set ground rules that he can come in but he’s not to wake you, I wouldn’t encourage by providing bedding or mattress for him.
then try your best to get to the bottom of what’s going on-good luck 🍀

TeenLifeMum · 15/05/2025 09:27

Kelly1969 · 15/05/2025 09:14

Action is clearly needed or OP wouldn’t be posting, so quite rude to be so dismissive.
OP is exhausted, sleep deprivation is brutal, so perhaps take your own advice about kindness.

Edited
Show quote history

She’s sleep deprived because she’s making a thing of it. If it’s not a thing, he just slips in, then she might stir but not wake. She’s waking because she’s frustrated and trying to fight it. I never understand the obsession with getting dc to sleep in their own room at points when they are reaching out for reassurance.

CatHairEveryWhereNow · 15/05/2025 09:32

We are both under a lot of work stress and the nightly drama is making it so much worse.

It's usually younger kids but is it possible he reacting to your stress?

Weekend my teens were stressed with exams and DH stress about upcoming journey - as soon as DH was finally gone we all went for a walk - being outside gentle exersie we all felt better - I know DS from young often clamed down in daytime with being outside.

Wondering if more outside time - walk after tea now it's light eveings could help.

Though it doesn't sound like he struggling falling asleep - in which case cold showers/baths and scents can help - unless he laying for hours struggling before giving up - but more he waking and then getting upset. Is there some external event/noise waking him and he struggled to go back to sleep - DH like this and find it best once awake to get up watch some TV have a drink maybe sleep on sofa or in spare room or come back later. Is there anywhere else he could be settle down to sleep - after calmly getting up giving a cup of warm milk?

The exhaustion - go to bed earlier - it's clearly a current ongoing issue at night so adapt for the short term and get more sleep earlier.

Alteratively go to GP see if they can offer anything - help with anxiety or sleep for him.

XelaM · 15/05/2025 09:33

Going against the grain here, but I'd be getting a lock on my door and telling him he can't come in.

Vroomfondleswaistcoat · 15/05/2025 09:34

I know people say about having books he can switch on if he wakes up, but what about having books running constantly through the night? I have ADHD and if I wake my brain will start going at a million miles a minute over all the things I have to do/should have done/can't do. But I have an audio book running beside the bed on a fairly low volume (I live alone so it's fine for me!) and if I wake in the night it's as though my brain 'latches' onto the story and I start listening rather than worrying and fretting in the total silence. Could this be an option?

kinkytoes · 15/05/2025 09:34

I was living at home when I had a nasty breakup with a boyfriend.

I got in bed with my mum that night. I needed to be close to her.

I was 25.

Your kids will always need you to be their safe space.

Don't make a big deal, don't push him away. Just exist together quietly and comfortably and let him be close if he needs to. You will all sleep better for it, and your relationships will no doubt improve too.

I wish you peace!

BringontheSunAgain · 15/05/2025 09:35

TeenLifeMum · 15/05/2025 09:27

She’s sleep deprived because she’s making a thing of it. If it’s not a thing, he just slips in, then she might stir but not wake. She’s waking because she’s frustrated and trying to fight it. I never understand the obsession with getting dc to sleep in their own room at points when they are reaching out for reassurance.

Show quote history

Ok so maybe YOU can sleep through someone coming into your room in the middle of the night but I couldn't.

He's 12, not 5.

Many young boys of 12 are hulking great smelly pre-teens not some cute 5 year old wanting to be with mummy and daddy.

Ceramiq · 15/05/2025 09:36

It sounds as if your 12 year old needs reassurance about something. Please don't push him away. If you feel unable to address his feelings with him yourself, you need to look for a professional to help you both articulate your feelings better.

rainbowstardrops · 15/05/2025 09:36

Middleagedstriker · 14/05/2025 23:46

Why is he wanting to do this? Has it come out the blue? Is he ok at school? What does he like doing in the day? How is he with friends? Is he more receptive in the day? Does he usually do what is asked of him? What happens when you say no to stuff during the day?
S

I’d be interested in the answers to these questions too.

Assume you’ve asked him if there are problems at school? Maybe bullying? The work is too difficult? Has he watched something scary? Maybe at a friend’s house? It could be all manner of things but that will be the key to unlocking this problem.
Basically, you need to be communicating with him during the day when you can be relaxed and not tired and stressed and see if that gets you anywhere.
Wrt him sleeping on the floor …… I don’t know. On one hand I’d be like you and try to encourage him back to his room but if that just results in turmoil then it’s counterproductive because nobody is getting any sleep then! So maybe you should just put something on the floor for him to sleep on but only on the understanding that he comes in quietly.
If you’ve already asked him what the problem is, could his dad try and get him to open up?
It sounds tough for you all.

BringontheSunAgain · 15/05/2025 09:36

kinkytoes · 15/05/2025 09:34

I was living at home when I had a nasty breakup with a boyfriend.

I got in bed with my mum that night. I needed to be close to her.

I was 25.

Your kids will always need you to be their safe space.

Don't make a big deal, don't push him away. Just exist together quietly and comfortably and let him be close if he needs to. You will all sleep better for it, and your relationships will no doubt improve too.

I wish you peace!

Your experience is not the same.

kinkytoes · 15/05/2025 09:37

@BringontheSunAgain

Eh?