How can we stop our 12yo sleeping on our floor??

[Jones3A]

Fucking broken with exhaustion and struggling not to just get really mad even though we know that's not going to work.
DS is prone to phases of anxiety around security/clinginess.
Currently 4 weeks into overnight wake ups where he marches into our room with his pillow and sleeps on the floor.
Any gentle / patient attempt to get him to try to resettle in his own bed rapidly spirals, he gets hysterical and we end up getting angry.
He won't even begin to try. Not to read, not to listen to quiet music, not to have us resettle him, nothing. He goes wild.
How the hell are we going to break this pattern?
We are both under a lot of work stress and the nightly drama is making it so much worse.
Any advice gladly received. I know we're making a shit job of this. In the wee hours I'm not in the best head space to handle it.

I did this when I was that age. Thank god my parents just let me quietly get on with it. My daughter then did it too. For a while we lived with a mattress on the floor so she could slip in quietly and sleep there. She eventually grew out of it no drama.

stop fighting it. The stress of knowing it may be a fight will be making nights even more terrifying for him. Talk to him about trying to be quiet as he comes in then crack on. He’ll feel more safe and eventually he’ll grow out of it.

Bloody hell.

A 12 year old dictating their parents sleep patterns?,

I'd be very firm, saying go back to your own bed.

Obviously lots of reassurance, soothing talk, but letting the child dictate this kind of sleep pattern?

NO WAY

I’m so sorry, I can’t believe what people are saying about just letting him do it. Crazy. You and your husband need your privacy. You need to sit your child down and try to get to the bottom of what may have happened a month ago to cause him to start doing this. Is everything ok at school? Could something have happened to upset him? Is he having nightmares or sleep paralysis?

If talking doesn’t work you need to make a doctors appointment for him asap.

I am autistic and I don’t think this sounds like a sign of a ND child. The behaviour has come on suddenly, I think something may have happened to cause this behaviour.

What if her and her husband want time to themselves? A 12 year old can’t sleep in with their parents forever, it’s definitely not normal

Op I’m so sorry about the stupid responses on this post suggesting you just leave your son to do this.

I feel so sad for this youngster, he is feeling insecure, wants to be near his parents and you get angry..Our now teenager did this between 11-12 and we made him a bed in our room so he always felt safe and then over a few days we got down to why he felt he wanted to be with us after many loving chats..He was being bullied at school by one particularly boy which we had no clue of and it started making him feel unsafe. We went to the school and found out the teachers were aware but did nothing so we instantly withdrew our son. We gave him a few weeks to settle down again, he returned to his room after a few more nights with us and we enrolled him in a new school. He is 14 now and doing amazing. I would have my children any age any night near me if that's there safe place rather than make them feel unwanted and pushed away

They're only going to be 12 for a year so don't panic yourself about that.

youre hilarious

Take the kid to the GP and get him some help! Something is going on to instigate this behaviour. Is he being bullied? Is he unsure of his sexuality? Does he have a sleep disorder? Show a bit of empathy and get him checked out!

I agree with others that something trigggering this and you need to get to the bottom of it. Has he had any counselling for his anxiety?
My DS (16) went through a v. anxious period at 10/11 and saw a wonderful counselor. He shared techniques on how to calm yourself, etc. DS is far less anxious nowadays, he only needed that extra support for a few months.

I’d do whatever’s necessary right now for everyone to get a decent night’s sleep, but look for some additional support. We parents don’t have all the answers and sometimes we need professional help.

Also, I don’t think it’s that unusual for tweens to snuggle in with their parents sometimes, I certainly did it until 13ish if I woke in the night and felt scared!

12 year olds come in many different forms. Some feel like they're on the verge of adulthood and some are just little kids. Does he have his mobile in his room at night? If so, that would be the first thing I'd change.

Also, MN, can you block the Google Cloud advert that asks questions? It completely messes with your system and makes it really hard to actually post.

Economy
MN don’t read all the posts.
They won’t see you message
Suggest emailing them, they are very good at quickly getting back

email is. [email protected]

Maybe, on an afternoon at the park, ask your son why he needs to sleep with you - without being judgmental - and just let him talk.
Away from home, away from all the distractions, when everybody is in a good mood.
Maybe he’ll say something that will give you a hint on how you can help him.
Remember he’s still only 12. That’s not very old in the scheme of things. ❤️

Is there another bed that you or your DH could use, perhaps alternate nights, so that only one of you is disturbed each night? Ideally, your DS would come into your bedroom without disturbing anyone else. Can you set up a mattress on the floor for DS? Why not just let him sleep in your room for now (possibly in your bed and one parent use his bed)?

This is behaviour that needs to be dealt with by a mental health professional.

Please get your child to a psychologist so his issues can be properly addressed.

OR as his parents, they can ask him what's happening to make him so worried and, in the meantime, make him feel safe. And THEN work out from there If they need to go from 1-100.

We set up a mattress on the floor and let DD let herself in quietly when she went through this stage.

I agree with the sane responses here to stop trying to fight this directly and work on the underlying cause. It sounds like you're getting a panic response when you try to force him to sleep on his own and re-experiencing that frequently will only reinforce his anxiety.

Figure out a set up so that for the short-term (no, absolutely no one is suggesting he sleep on your floor forever🙄) he can come to sleep in your room without it waking you and turning into a big nightly drama. And then come at the issue from the root instead of the symptom - talk to him, get him in to a counselor if possible, do some honest looking at what's going on in his life that could be making him feel insecure, and work with him on age-appropriate tools for dealing with anxiety. And then explore options besides him actually sleeping in your room (night lights, a walkee-talkee, even sleeping in the corridor or closer room) when he can do that without panicking.

Is he in year 7 or year 8? I would try and nip it in the bud now. the longer you leave it the worse it’s going to get for him if you continue to allow this when he does go back in his own room. It happened to my sister. She was allowed to sleep in the bed and continued sleeping in the bed until she was about 15… but I would investigate where the anxiety is coming from and try and treat that. Is there something going on at school, bullying for example or anything going on at home that might cause him to defo anxious. Not really “normal behaviour” for a 12yr old. I f do not mean that to sound nasty but there’s obviously something that is causing this. Find out what it is and work on that.

How is seeking professional mental health assessment and possibly therapy '1-100' / drastic?

The child goes berserk when they try to get him to go back to his own room. This isn't just a case of a child having nightmares or night fears. Trauma is a possibility here, a very complicated thing that the parents are unlikely to be able to deal with.

Something is clearly very much amiss or the issue would have blown over, or it would be easy to direct him back to his room every time, or it would never have started in the first place.

Shying away from mental health professionals sends a poor message to the child too.

All of this. Something has happened to cause him to act this way

It’s not such a self absorbed question though. Op has asked for help on how to improve the situation. Sleep deprivation is a serious issue and this has been going on a while. I do agree she needs to improve the situation for him but also for her. This is not normal behaviour for a 12yr old. Getting to the cause of why it’s happening is what she needs to do.

i don't understand what the big deal is?
you set up a mattress on the floor and leave him to self settle?
as for his anxiety is that some sort of mom/dad diagnosis or has he been assessed by a professional? in which case what do they suggest?
maybe you can explain what the issue is better because you should be able to sleep through it or simply roll over and fall back asleep.

Are you sure he isn't picking up your work stress and is reflecting it back? Possibly overheard something which is making him feel insecure.

At a younger age I admit, we told DS that he could always come into our room in the night but there would be 'consequences'. The consequence which worked was that he would be 'tired' the next day so he wouldn't be able to play out with his friends the next day.

We always followed through with the consequence.

It wasn't a punishment just a natural consequence.

Over a fairly short time he got out of the habit of coming into our room. From time to time he would still come in but only when it really mattered to him. He's 26 now and we have all survived the experience.

Try, gently, to get to the bottom of what is bothering him. It may be something easily solved.