How can we stop our 12yo sleeping on our floor??

[Jones3A]

Fucking broken with exhaustion and struggling not to just get really mad even though we know that's not going to work.
DS is prone to phases of anxiety around security/clinginess.
Currently 4 weeks into overnight wake ups where he marches into our room with his pillow and sleeps on the floor.
Any gentle / patient attempt to get him to try to resettle in his own bed rapidly spirals, he gets hysterical and we end up getting angry.
He won't even begin to try. Not to read, not to listen to quiet music, not to have us resettle him, nothing. He goes wild.
How the hell are we going to break this pattern?
We are both under a lot of work stress and the nightly drama is making it so much worse.
Any advice gladly received. I know we're making a shit job of this. In the wee hours I'm not in the best head space to handle it.

Can’t you leave you door open then he isn’t disturbing you and tell him needs to be very quiet when he wants to sleep on the floor

@Jones3A Such a lovely, considered response and what a lovely set of parents you are!

I agree that it's good to try to get to the bottom of the anxiety (if possible) - as you've been trying - but it does seem as if your DS might benefit from some counselling to help him build up coping mechanisms and resilience.

I was interested to read that most responders on here suggested letting him come and stay sleeping in your room but noticed in your response, that others later on suggested you set up a bed or sleep in his bed instead.

It is absolutely the latter I would go for. He clearly feels the need to be close to you, so that it is important, but by letting him go to your room, it's almost sending the message that his room is not 'safe' and you are 'saving' him by letting him stay in your bedroom (even if unconsciously).

When our DC were babies and toddlers, we always walked them back and stayed with them in their rooms (usually slept in their bed or stayed in an arm chair for a while) and then retreated when they were settled.

I do think like with babies, it is quite a good habit to make sure that they can self soothe in the sense that once settled, you may try to leave (i.e. so that he falls asleep knowing that you are not there anymore rather than him suddenly waking up wondering where you have gone - hope that makes sense).

Best of luck with it all. Your son sounds lovely and he's very lucky to have supportive and loving parents like you both.

I would give a 12 year old support and empathy in the night. In their own room. 👌

I too, cannot fix stupid.

How can we stop our 12yo sleeping on our floor?

> There ARE spiders (horrible things) on your floor - will have to get somebody IN to sort it out, better off sleepin in YOUR bed until we do

If he feels secure, safe and comfortable in your room then let him do that.
It will pass, he’ll not still be doing it 18.
As long as you’re all sleeping, that’s the main thing.

I'm surprised - as per my post above - that hardly anyone mentions the option for the parents to go into his room and get him settled there!

This. I feel really sad for him too. My son did exactly this after my husband/his dad died. Please don’t be angry with him. He needs to be with you at the moment.

I’m sorry. I hadn’t read your update when I posted. You sound like great parents.

My 8yo is currently sleeping on my bedroom floor while my 4mo is in bed with me 😄 no advice from me on getting him back into his bedroom - for now I’m just going with it and he’ll go back in his own time! We hope 😄

Get him a z bed so at least he’s comfy. Something is bothering him and you are his safe space. Tell him as long as he is quiet and respectful of your need for a good nights sleep that it’s ok and try and gently talk to him during the day about what is making him feel he needs to be close to you at night.

Hi @Jones3A Apologies if this has already been suggested, but you could work with him during the day to set up a ‘self soothe’ box. Containing things that calm him (happy photos, favourite scents, fidget toys, puzzle book, material that feels nice/soothing to him, a piece of paper with a diagram to remind him of a really simple breathing technique such as five-fingered breathing etc). He keeps this by his bed and when he wakes up, if he is on the verge of coming into you, he can open this box to try and calm himself down. Good luck!

Ignore it. The best thing you can do is not stress him out about it further or make a big deal. He will grow out of it in his own time

I think lovely advice above about a blow up bed etc. The only other thing I’d thought about was whether he is actively trying to get your attention when he comes in as you mentioned him storming in. Is there something he needs that he doesn’t know how to ask for? Is it a bid for connection of some sort? Maybe finding 10 mins before bed to talk or connect in some way might help - just so he knows he can ask you anything he wants to know, or share any feelings he’s having. He obviously feels safe beside you which is lovely

Don’t ignore this stress, deal with it now or it will only get worse and end up with a child unable to cope. I’ve been there before anyone wants to comment. I would speak to the gp and see if you can get some sort of therapy to help him deal with his stress. I know it’s difficult for everyone. My son has now been diagnosed with ADHD at 37 but the signs that he wasn’t coping started after puberty. Good luck!

I had horrific panic attacks and anxiety as a child into my teens and early 20’s. I often as a child and young teen went and slept on the floor in my parents room, it was a complete comfort/ safety reasoning. My mum and dad had a little roll out bed tucked under my mums side of the bed where I’d go to sleep. I knew I could creep in, unroll it, take my own pillow and duvet and lay there. My mum would stir when I went in and then drop her arm down where I was laying and would hold my hand for a while until I settled enough to go back to sleep. She never once made it an issue or even mentioned it really. It wasn’t “a thing”. I can confirm I outgrew it myself in my early teens.

I have no issues sleeping alone now if my partner is away. Even a few weeks ago, sadly my dad died and I stayed at my mums for a few days as it was closer to where my dad was (they were separated but friends)- even then I slept IN bed with my mum as a grown woman it still brings me that same lovely comfort as it did all those years ago.

Please don’t push him away or make it an issue. Just come up with a plan to minimise the disruption to your sleep.

had similar recently - originally because of something horrid he’d seen on news. It was a real fear to him. Got a little night light for his room and told Alexa to play calm music as he went to sleep. If he woke up encouraged him to ask her to play more. If he wants to sleep with me, (single mum) he can. He just gets in and doesn’t wake me! If he’s there is the morning I just say hi! It’s now stopped if it’s own accord. Just let him feel safe, aso why in day time And he’ll work thru it. Xx

Absolutely this. It will pass.

We had the same situation- our oldest was 10/11 years old, only slept through the night from about 8 years of age, then started again on the coming into our room to sleep, usually around 2-3 in the morning. Thought I would lose my mind at the time but actually just let it roll, and eventually they decided that they would return to own room after 6 months or so, and life returned to relative normality. They’re now in their early 20s, still living at home, working, social life etc, and is just the kindest most lovely kid. Never had it with any of the younger kids, and I’m just really grateful that they’ve turned out so well. It’s a short term problem for you, but can have a long term effect on your child. If you can tolerate it till they are feeling more settled, try and give them the comfort and security they maybe need even if they can’t explain why. Best of luck.

As I was responsible for human lives while at work I could not work sleep deprived. This situation would not be tolerable for me.

Good job @Jones3A. Just taking some of the pressure off is very smart. We had one of these, which did go on for several years. We finally just gave in, set up a little cot and DS wandered up every night from about 7-13. We re-did his room with a queen sized bed and made the whole room more grown-up and I think that helped. We wondered if it would ever end but it finally did, somewhere between 13 and 14. Just of note, he's 28 now, married and doing great. There is hope.

My daughter did this - the more we talked about it the more she did it. So we just agreed that if she needed to she could. Once we stopped trying to persuade her not to or finding out why she did it she just stopped. The anxiety was about not being able to if she needed it and once that was taken away she stopped waking up worrying about it.

🙄

My daughter was the same, didn’t sleep alone in her room until she was 13. She was scared of everything, her anxiety absolutely through the roof and she’d hear sounds barely audible to the rest of us and wake me frequently to check we were all still alive and that there was no one in the house. We fought it and fought it and it just made everyone so miserable and she got more and more anxious developing debilitating OCD as a result. With the benefit of hindsight I’d just provide the reassurance he needs. I never ever thought my daughter would grow out of it but be reassured she has and she was very ill with anxiety throughout her early teens. Once he has the confidence in himself he’ll stop.

You have taken on board everyone's comments so well, even the negative ones. That's very admirable and says a lot about the type of person you are. I would be either swearing, crying or both!
Hope he settles for you. My daughter is 10 and still has a habit of doing this. We just have a pull out (deliberately not too comfortable!) bed that either child can get in if they wander into our room. They're often not there by the morning so obviously stayed for a bit then decided their own bed is better!

Oh great, so the 12 year-old becomes a permanent fixture in the marital bed whilst one of the parents has to sleep elsewhere?
Boundaries need to be set here, kicking off and throwing tantrums about not getting his own way with sleeping in the same room is not normal he's 12 not 2. Conversations around why he's wanting to do this need to take place obviously, but it's not sustainable having a 12 year old lad creeping into your room every night.