How can we stop our 12yo sleeping on our floor??

[Jones3A]

Fucking broken with exhaustion and struggling not to just get really mad even though we know that's not going to work.
DS is prone to phases of anxiety around security/clinginess.
Currently 4 weeks into overnight wake ups where he marches into our room with his pillow and sleeps on the floor.
Any gentle / patient attempt to get him to try to resettle in his own bed rapidly spirals, he gets hysterical and we end up getting angry.
He won't even begin to try. Not to read, not to listen to quiet music, not to have us resettle him, nothing. He goes wild.
How the hell are we going to break this pattern?
We are both under a lot of work stress and the nightly drama is making it so much worse.
Any advice gladly received. I know we're making a shit job of this. In the wee hours I'm not in the best head space to handle it.

Hope you had a better night last night.

Yes op, how did it go?!

@Calliopespa You're talking about me so I think I'd better step in.

The point that @Youstolemygoddamnhouse made is spot on. The difference between your opinion and what I wrote is the word 'could'.
Not will or is, but could.

I also came back to say that some posters had latched onto the 'sex comment' as if it were the be all and end all of my post which is wasn't.

You made an enormous and quite dramatic jump from one comment about how it could affect their sex lives to ranting about 'sex schedules and not having children'. That's some jump!

Any of us who have brought up children (mine are now very grown up and left home years ago) know that sex can go off the menu in a long marriage for all kinds of reasons.

However, it is still valid to mention that a 12 year old boy wandering into his parent's bedroom (unannounced in the middle of the night) could be witness to something both he and them would be embarrassed about.

I assume you have children, maybe teenagers, and can appreciate this.

I think this is such a lovely post and you can absolutely see how much you care about your son

And just for some empathy too - I have a 12 year old daughter with anxiety and on the waitlist for an autism assessment and she comes through at night sometimes. I don’t sleep well and so it can absolutely be tiring, but I don’t want her just sitting in her room worrying. I did make a rule for my own well being that she can come through until midnight or after 6, but if it’s between those hours she needs to be quite worried and not just needing a cuddle as once I lose a few nights of sleep I struggle to regulate myself!

it’s so good that he’s talking to you, I hope things improve soon

I do have children and I think this is an issue that parents inevitably face at all stages, teen or otherwise.

Our friend’s toddler walked in and the first they knew of it was a very cross little person announcing sternly: DADDY!! STOP killing Mummy!”

They had a knock rule, but hadn’t heard the knock.

But right now I really don’t think this is op’s focus. She mentioned wanting sleep and, as I understand it, is simply trying to get through this awkward phase. Of course these things can impact parents in that way, but given they are aware of the issue, I’m sure they can manage it in the same way many parents have to.

I really feel for the parents battling this. There is no harder time to parent than the middle of the night!

I still have really bad dreams and night terrors, he could have something on his mind that even he doesn't realise and it manifests while sleeping and needs reassurance when waking up confused and fuzzy. What could be worse as a kid than not feeling safe in the night. He obviously NEEDS this until he doesn't. 💕

You're right it isn't the OP's focus at all but some posters have made it so on the back of one small comment which was not meant to be 'centre stage'.

Morning all, I'm delighted to report he did not wake in the night - hurrah! and so did not take up the new bed anyway.
This has happened previously after a particularly bad waking episode the night before, because he's so tired. So this in itself is not exactly new.
The test will really come tonight and onwards, it's about when he DOES wake in the night, whether he can resettle, or comes straight in to us.
However, he was hugely more cheerful at bedtime than usual, the relief was palpable, and perhaps that contributed in its own way to his uninterrupted sleep.
He went to school slightly brighter than usual, and was in his loop of endlessly repeating "i love you so much mummy" both last night and this morning, which is always a good sign he's feeling safe and contented. ❤️

Oh and I forgot yesterday to come back to the points about sex/boundaries/privacy! Because there's your answer - it's just not a factor for us at all. I wish we had the kind of sex life that would be interrupted in any way by unexpected visitors 😂.

We're also not bothered about our privacy, both kids come in and out freely of both our bedroom and our bathroom (only the latter has a lock). If I do want privacy I shut the door, and let them know if I hear them approaching. We don't do the same to them - we always knock/check.

Boundaries, I have mixed feelings about. He is certainly not molly-coddled, and in fact the whole reason for the "drama" I talked about in my original (now somewhat embarrassing) post is that we were trying to hold some line of not giving in to him unless we really believed it was absolutely necessary.

And as I touched on in my long post last night, he has extensive previous for over-stating, over-reacting, faking, and then just casually admitting he didn't mean it. He's quick to throw emotional blackmail around, to try to get his own way, so it's very hard not to feel suspicious at time of being manipulated by him. He can really dig in, fight you like a demon, and then suddenly tire of it and change his mind. A fine line we find really challenging... 🫠

Honestly he might feel so much better just knowing it’s an option he can take or not without judgement and you might find it happens less often now anyway. My daughter always likes to know the parameters really, really clearly and then she can settle

What a lovely update this morning well done @Jones3A

Good result. I think trying to push him away was possibly adding to his anxiety and making it worse.

Fingers crossed for another good night tonight. BTW I've also written posts on here at a bad moment in time making me look horrible too!

I mean even this comment shows how ignorant you are to the world. You’re proving my point. It’s not just hetro couples that can marry, did you know that? Also was that an attempt at being funny? Because whatever it was it doesn’t really support your point. why do the hetro couple still live with parents? What was the point of the comment. If you’re trying play around with irony at least make it make sense.

It was an autocorrect mistake. Not that hard to figure out as others knew what I meant as did the original poster who I quoted. So yes, for your benefit the first “could” in that sentence should in fact be “would”. Theres’s a huge difference in saying it would affect her sex life which is stating it as fact and saying could affect her sex life which means a possibility. The poster who I quoted had said “could” which I was pointing out.

But it wasn’t clear though, was it? You’re trying to make a point that Op or anyone in this situation should not be concerned about her/their sex life, which she originally never mentioned. You’ve admitted that Op did not suggest it. So why even bring that up?

Why did you bring up nakedness, sex schedules and that people should remain Childfree if they want to live in a house like that? Who exactly are you talking about then since again you’ve admitted that Op did not make comments about her sex life?

It doesn’t matter that you originally did not bring up the topic of sex but you certainly had a strong reaction to comments when it was brought up? Saying someone (we don’t know who you’re talking about) should remain Childfree because they might be concerned about intimacy is rather an outlandish thing to say? As well as a house full of nakedness? Surely a person can be naked in the privacy of their own room?

"over-stating, over-reacting, faking, and then just casually admitting he didn't mean it"

That's a challenge OP. Have you sat him down and explained that the reason you've been holding back on a bed in your room is for this reason?

He needs to learn the diffference between boy cries wolf too many times. Maybe this is a good time to talk it through with him and show him that if he fakes too much, you won't know when you really need to hear him.

It's a sign of immaturity and a lack of understanding how his actions affect others. His empathy might not be that high maybe? It would be good to explain really clearly how upsetting his behaviour is for you and for others who experience it and how it may lead him to cause problems in the future. You could role play a situation where you go all out for something, and then turn 180 and say "oh actually I'm not bothered".

Maybe it's about control? But gaining control of situations needs to be used wisely. Ask him which battles are genuinely worth winning? Not all of them are even worth getting off the starting line for. Why does he do it? What validation is he seeking? If he's doing this at school, it may cause other people to dislike him too.

Just a few thoughts that popped up in my mind.

Relationships are built on trust. If you keep breaking the trust - your relationships go downhill and life gets a lot harder...

Congratulations on some really ace parenting, by the sound of things. I just thought I would let you know (as a retired MH professional) that mental health phone lines are strange things. The benefit to having them in place is COMPLETELY disproportionate to how often they are used. Just having them there is a real reassurance to people.

May it be the same with your lovely son's new bed. (The parallel isn't directly related to MH, it just seemed to fit as a reassurance thing).

And as I touched on in my long post last night, he has extensive previous for over-stating, over-reacting, faking, and then just casually admitting he didn't mean it. He's quick to throw emotional blackmail around, to try to get his own way, so it's very hard not to feel suspicious at time of being manipulated by him. He can really dig in, fight you like a demon, and then suddenly tire of it and change his mind. A fine line we find really challenging...

This is very troubling behaviour, and apparently it is his norm.

@Jones3A
I really urge you to try to get him to a therapist / psychologist.

He went to school slightly brighter than usual, and was in his loop of endlessly repeating "i love you so much mummy" both last night and this morning, which is always a good sign he's feeling safe and contented.

That sounds manipulative, not contented.

Let him and get him a little mattress on the floor so he's comfortable. Ask him not to wake you when he comes in. He won't be sleeping in your room forever.

Also investigate if he is being bullied or otherwise harmed.

Leave him to it. Don’t make a fuss. Put a sleeping bag down. Kids do weird stuff.

Just make him a bed on your floor until he feels he wants to go back to his room. You could use an inflatable mattress. I would actually make him feel welcome rather than getting angry. He obviously needs to be near you to sleep. Anxiety episodes are common with children as they grow up but they pass if you keep calm.

god this is my worst nightmare.

you're 12, not 4.

personally, I’d ignore him and make it clear that after 12 midnight he either stays in his own room or goes downstairs.

id also be taking him to the doctor; as at 12 he should be too old for this kind of babyish thing, so why is he so anxious?!