How can we stop our 12yo sleeping on our floor??

[Jones3A]

Fucking broken with exhaustion and struggling not to just get really mad even though we know that's not going to work.
DS is prone to phases of anxiety around security/clinginess.
Currently 4 weeks into overnight wake ups where he marches into our room with his pillow and sleeps on the floor.
Any gentle / patient attempt to get him to try to resettle in his own bed rapidly spirals, he gets hysterical and we end up getting angry.
He won't even begin to try. Not to read, not to listen to quiet music, not to have us resettle him, nothing. He goes wild.
How the hell are we going to break this pattern?
We are both under a lot of work stress and the nightly drama is making it so much worse.
Any advice gladly received. I know we're making a shit job of this. In the wee hours I'm not in the best head space to handle it.

I agree.

My daughter did that for many years when she was finally thrown out my bed at 11. She did come in quietly with her duvet up a flight of stairs. Lasted until around 14. She did do it once at 16 and frightened the life out of me!
now she’s 25 and has her own home. If she stays the night it’s in my bed much to the disgust of her older sisters.

Hi, I can relate to this so much!One of our twins (now 13) went through a good couple of years doing this (stopped at 12) and thankfully stopped around the time I had a baby last year.
He too went through bouts of anxiety, he had a real fear that someone was going to break into our house which has never happened. He would come in pillow, duvet and sleep on the floor. It got to a point where we had tried everything and despite all the frustration, tears and anger it didn’t do anything. Although maybe not helpful, we just left him to it as the crux of it was he needed us and we were his safety. We all slept better for it.
I think it also helped that as he got drastically taller over the course of a few months he started to get quite uncomfortable and now he sleeps beautifully all night to the point it’s a struggle getting him out of bed!

Yes that will be the update op! In 12 months time your thread title will be:
”Help my teen won’t get out of his bed.”

See a doctor. We had our child (early teens) in our room for over a year in a z bed. Better to start there than be disturbed. If it’s what they need I don’t think it’s unreasonable. They won’t be in there when they are 20. Our doctor said her anxiety was life threatening so we put up with it. She moved back to her room when she was ready

He won’t be a child for long, you’ll miss this one day. Let him be close to you, he just wants to feel safe

What's making you exhausted if he's just coming in and sleeping on the floor? How is it disturbing you so much? I'm on year 3 of sleeping with my 10 year old (Asd and ADHD) so I get the tiredness though they are sleeping in the bed with me and wake in the night.

One of mine did this when she was younger. I told her to bring her duvet and pillow for the floor, and use a blanket for on top. I just let her do it. She stopped after a year, she was just going through a phase of feeling scared.

Your child has needs and it's doing your head in. Works more important. Is what I'm hearing here. Has he told you why he feels like this. Can he swap rooms with you ?
Is there any health issues going on for him. Can you put a camera in his room to make him feel safer ?

Lock your door?

Wow 😮! Really?

My 11yo shares my bed. She sleeps I sleep everyone is happy. Sometimes she chooses her own room mostly she doesn’t. If I try to put her back we’ll be up most of the night. She won’t do it for ever.

if there is something wrong and your son finds comfort being close to you why not let him sleep on the floor? If you all sleep that way what’s the issue.

preparing to be flamed…

My 11 and 9 year old quite often do this. I always have a little (ie one of those smaller, thinner) mattress out on the bedroom floor just in case they come in. It's never been an issue for me as they don't wake me up, they just want to be close which is fine. Sometimes if they both come in the oldest opts to sleep on the floor as he finds it comfortable (which I find weird but the proof is that he does sleep longer!!)

If it was me, I'd let it go. Like others have said, it won't last forever and it it's what he needs right now then it's what he needs...

No flaming from me! My 7yr old sleeps in with me and quite often the 9 and 11yr olds are on the floor. Everyone sleeps better so there isn't a chance I'm going to force them to their rooms if they are happy. They all use their rooms throughout the day, but at night they feel comfortable when we are all together

My 15 year old son went through a period of panic and anxiety attacks earlier this year, they got that bad the GP prescribed him propranolol.

He’s high functioning autistic, we had no clue at all why they started happening but it was an awful time for us all, very upsetting and frustrating.
They always happened of a night too, so during that time I slept on one sofa and he slept on another, it’s the only way he would settle to be able to sleep (once he’d calmed down) which meant my husband could get sleep to be able to function for work.

He doesn’t have them anymore thank god, but you all have my sympathy ❤️

I hope your DC never need reassurance or comfort from you because they wont come to you for it if this is your attitude to parenting.

I think you’ve done such a great job of trying to connect with your son on this one, OP. I would say that it is totally normal for a child to want to be closer to their parent(s) when they are struggling and yours has happened to pick the middle of the night to seek reassurance!

As others have said, the transition to secondary is massive, especially if he was at a lovely small primary, and children can be suddenly exposed to all sorts of social situations that they have no idea how to handle. I actually think it is a huge compliment to your parenting that in this moment he continues to seek you out. Some kids don’t and turn inwards. You are his safe place and at least there’s a sign that something isn’t quite right in his world. I think getting your DH to have some 1:1 time with him too and chat about how normal it is to feel anxious etc. would be good. Show that you’re both not ‘scared’ of these big feelings so he doesn’t need to be.

Sorry if this has been answered, I couldn’t see it, but does your son have a phone? If so, does he keep it at night? Wondering if any school issues are seeping into his alone time at night and causing problems? Also, if he does have a phone, a whole world of content is available to him now. It’s possible he’s seen stuff that makes him feel uncomfortable so that’s an other area that may be worth exploring. Good luck to you and your DH with the next few nights!

It's becoming increasingly obvious why our children in this country are the way they are if this is the standard of parenting out there. You should be ashamed of yourself or at the very least pick up a parenting book or enrol in further education. You need some serious educating love.

I did this too albeit a couple of years younger. It was triggered by a local shop burning down. I crept into my mum's room and slept on her floor in a sleeping bag.

it stopped eventually without any fuss or comment.

I would just accept it, and it will go away of its own accord.

The children in this country are the way they are because parents have consistently “babied” them.

I have children thank you, both are well adjusted. One is 18 and the other is 12. We have brought them up to be confident, self assured, kind, empathetic and supportive.

if a 12 year old is sneaking into their parents bedroom as night because their scared, that means something is happening to them and they need therapy.

you might want to baby your children, I’m not going to thanks 👌

This is perfect. Such a lovely reply xx

Ouch. Empathy not. me thinks ask yourself why such an aggressive response

If you think providing support and empathy to a 12 year old in the middle of the night is 'babying' them then I'm afraid i don't have anything more to say to you because it is not my job to fix stupid.

Its becomng increasingly obvious why SOME children in this country are the way they are because 1. too much social media and other online junk and 2. over protective parents who indulge clingy behaviour and who regard any sort of attempt to build resilience and independence in children as a form of child abuse.

He needs to be near you as he is anxious. We had this for on and off 6 years, after being on a coach holiday and watching the scary EWoks in Star Wars Film which was on the overhead coach tv. When we returned home this was a nightly occurrence if he did not sleep through the night in his own bed; he would bring in duvet and pillow to sleep next to our bed. I did all the softly persuasion, all to no avail, eventually when he was 12 it all stopped, phew!