How can we stop our 12yo sleeping on our floor??

[Jones3A]

Fucking broken with exhaustion and struggling not to just get really mad even though we know that's not going to work.
DS is prone to phases of anxiety around security/clinginess.
Currently 4 weeks into overnight wake ups where he marches into our room with his pillow and sleeps on the floor.
Any gentle / patient attempt to get him to try to resettle in his own bed rapidly spirals, he gets hysterical and we end up getting angry.
He won't even begin to try. Not to read, not to listen to quiet music, not to have us resettle him, nothing. He goes wild.
How the hell are we going to break this pattern?
We are both under a lot of work stress and the nightly drama is making it so much worse.
Any advice gladly received. I know we're making a shit job of this. In the wee hours I'm not in the best head space to handle it.

Wow. That's ridiculous.

I agree with this. He won’t always be 12. He’s feeling anxious and you make him feel safer, so I would do as suggested here, ask him to be quiet, but not force him out.

No way would I have this night after night. Yes find out what’s wrong and support. But you also need to be firm that the night visits stop now. Lock on your door. Or lead him back to his room. If he kicks off let him cry it out as you would a toddler. Weak parenting is the cause of MH issues down the line!

Our 13 year old still tries it on discourage it during tge week but he prefers our bed given half a chance. It won't last forever so I wouldn't fight it if they still need u imo

Glad you have been able to take away some ideas from this thread OP.
One of ours went through a similar phase and it was because he was terrified that we would die and get would never be able to cope without us, but he found it difficult to verbalise.
I'm sure knowing that he has a space to go to if he feels stressed will help.

OP re the “attention seeking” or manipulative behaviour. Most children are attention seeking, I mean attention is nice, so we all want it sometimes. And most children will try and wheedle their parents into giving in on things etc. I don’t think this is at all the same as “manipulating “ by an adult. It sounds to me more as though he is a massive overthinker, and then goes away and feels guilty that he was “manipulative” or maybe didn’t mean it at all, because now he’s changed his mind as kids do. He obviously needs a lot of reassurance, but that again is normal for sensitive over thinkers . I understand that you don’t want to feed the beast, but having chats about manipulation etc, maybe this is just adding a layer of complexity to someone whose inner world is complex enough ? What works better for me with my stressed, overthinking dd is just simple structure, making things really straightforward and clear, not spending too much time talking about feelings at all, just being reassuring and keeping things uncomplicated.

I used to do this, I just wanted to feel safe so I could sleep (plus I had tinnitus which scared me). My parents would wake me and put me back in my room. It was awful. What would I do? As others have said let him do it, but no waking you up. It will pass but your family/home should always be yours child’s safe zone.

Your getting angry ? At a child that’s possibly scared wow great parenting

How big is your bed? We’ve got a super king and DD9 just comes and gets in the middle, it’s no biggie. This was after a year of us having to take it in turns to sleep in her bed with absolute refusal to try sleeping on her own. One day she decided she wanted to try it and now she’s probably alone all night 9/10 nights. I think sometimes you have to let them find their own comfort level.

Holy crap. This thread is obviously taken over by Americans from that tv program wife's of who gives a shit
Dam.

Everyone is focussing on this being due to anxiety, but this level of anxiety in a 12 year old is very far from normal- you need to get to the bottom of it, take him to a counsellor or psychologist as DS needs to be brought to recognise this is not normal.
I would also point out gently that refusing any other solution is very, very controlling, and may be at the heart of the behaviour.
As anxiety and mental health problems have become normalised after the pandemic, it means although many cases are genuine, some will be driven by "anxiety" being an opportunity to control a situation, or a way of getting what one wants-which is often just higher status within the family.

Have some empathy you are his mum. Why does him sleeping in the floor interrupt your sleep?

he us anxious. That’s a medical condition. If he had a sore tummy would you be so callous?

he has just started secondary school it’s a big upheaval. Have you tried to understand his anxiety, taken him to the GP or private counselling (don’t even think about CAMHS).

Your child needs you and all you want is him in bed.

Is he ND? My dc was always ‘shy’. Turns out was and is autistic. Masked all thru primary but secondary where they have to do so much themselves move classes make new friends was too much.

And it has transpired we found out years later being bullied at school but didn’t know how to tell me.

If this has just started recently, something is going on and it’s your job as parent to help and soothe him. He isn’t being naughty he is in distress.

Solidarity. I understand the frustration, the not knowing the right path, whether it needs a firm hand , am I being played here?!
It's exhausting.
So exhausting. I'm emotionally burnt out here. Same age.

I think giving the permission is so good, he immediately felt calmer just knowing that safety met was there.
Hopefully that continues.
These emotionally charged kids build more stress in the day I think. School is a stressful environment for them.
I often question am I being a fool. But I don't think love is foolish.
Respectful lines, like "you can come in, but you must be quiet" .
It's a hard time, pre teen and teen.
I'll certainly allow bedroom visits if it gets mine through those tough years.
Strict rules at home but always comfort and safety.
You can foster capability and confidence in other ways.
Jobs
Responsibilities
Rules and consequences.
Showing ways you believe in them.
That filters over then to everything.
Make sure he has chores and good rules.
I've made that mistake not enforcing.

Sorry this is a bit ramble, I'm tired as always.

I’d let him do it, as long as he does it quietly.
He’s clearly feeling anxious about something and needs some comfort. He’s on the floor, not in your bed.

Tell him to start off sleeping on your room if this helps and move back in the night when he wants. Medical help as well so do ask your GP about this.

I had this with my now grown up daughter. Only she'd climb in our bed every night waking both of us. We bought a little trundle bed for her stored under our bed. She thought it was great and would come in every night and roll out the little bed and sleep on that. We didn't notice after a few days and we all got a night's sleep.

Of course the mother has empathy, that’s why she’s asking for help. Can you not read the thread? Are you aware how condescending and demeaning your tone is when replying to Op. W do you feel the need to chastise her when she’s seeking help?

Is there enough room to set up a camp bed in your room? Could you and your husband take it in terms sharing the bed with him whilst the other sleeps in the spareroom (if you have one)? Is there a sibling that they could share with? Or a pet? The priority here seems to be ensuring that he feels safe and that you all get a decent night's sleep. I wouldn't be worrying about getting into bad habits. Everything is a phase. He's unlikely to still be doing it in a couple of years time.

At the moment they have 3 members of the family with severely disrupted sleep. I'm suggesting they change something so that one parent, at least, is undisturbed each night. Hopefully this will give them the strength to regroup.

Your child is crying out for your help.

LISTEN

Yeah I’d probably just sleep in the bed with him for a few nights to provide support. Getting angry with a scared child isn’t the one-they need emotional support and your work stress isn’t their problem.

take it in turns to sleep in a bed with them and see what their issues are. See if you can increase contact during the day eg one on one attention, same room, family dinners etc to try and see if it improves the anxiety. Like to strengthen the attachment?

have they had any counselling or medical support for their anxiety recently. Could help tease out the triggers.

Just to add, I have a son who is slightly on the spectrum (hyperlexic type 3- sort of the rain man brain and he exhibited signs associated with autism when younger, but kids with his type mostly grow out of it by teenage years). Anyway, one thing that used to drive me nuts was his stubbornness and absolute ability to dig his heels in. It took me bloody ages to discover how to deal with him. For example, he would pretend that his legs wouldn't work and he couldn't walk. He could keep this up for 3 days. I would oscillate between being really patient and encouraging "come on, you can do it, just give it a go, you can do it" to "for goodness sake, get up right now and walk". The reality was that both scenarios were actually the same. They were predicated on the fact that I didn't believe that his legs had stopped working and therefore he didn't feel listened to and would double down to prove me otherwise. Then one day It suddenly dawned on me that all he wanted was to feel listened to and supported and that was enough. So I would say to him, "oh poor you, it's so annoying when that happens isn't it! Just try to shuffle on your bum down the stairs if you think that you can. Oh, btw, there's some chocolate biscuits on the kitchen table". Miraculously that worked. Simply because I had acknowledged his feelings and he felt heard. I never dwelled on them so as not to create an issue, but just dealt with it fairly breezily but it was a game changer.

Having just read your update, just having that bed in your room and the option is enough for him to feel safer. He obviously now feels heard and supported. I would reiterate that it's no big deal, lots of kids still want to be close to their parents, you can understand why, and that, as long as he's quiet if he sneaks in, it's not a problem at all.

Sounds like you've handled it well.

Honestly i never feel so far removed from other parents as I do when i read threads like this. The very worst thing you can do is make a fuss and try and kick him out. Surely thats obvious? Youre not going to "raise a narcissist" by helping your child cope with their anxiety for fucks sake. Just work out a way that it disturbs you as little as possible. Its a phase. It will pass. He wont still be doing it at 15 😂

Same goes for picky eaters and kids who need you there to fall asleep. LET THEM do what they need. Eventually they will
figure it out for themselves

I haven’t read the whole thread just your posts OP. Just wanted to say I’ve been through the same thing. My child didn’t settle as a toddler and has had phases on and off since then. Now 17 and still slept in our room once this year when he had an exam the next day and couldn’t sleep. He has ADHD and dyslexia so doesn’t cope with pressure. It’s not typical but it’s not abnormal either.

We initially tried everything and when he was young we were very firm as he has a younger sister and when she was a baby he couldn’t sleep in our room. It made no difference - if we took him back as he got older he’d stay awake until we were asleep and then sneak in!

They don’t want to do this so making them feel ashamed makes it worse. Our attitude developed into if he wanted us to sit on his bed while he relaxed to sleep then we would, if he came into our room to sleep as long as he didn’t disturb then ok, it was better for him to get sleep than not. I wouldn’t sit in his room in the middle of the night as you also need sleep.

its not necessary to get a diagnosis for him unless you think it will help him but you can read up on autism as it helps learn how to help them and also not to feel at fault for raising an unusual child. You can then treat without the baggage of the label.

My child is close to us, has friends but finds it difficult to make new ones quickly, maybe autistic but is functioning. He will just take longer to mature than others and may never like being alone. Hopefully he will fall in love with someone who appreciates his loving nature at some point.

Fighting it, making it out to be more than it is like some have suggested doesn’t help you or him. it’s not the worst stress coping mechanism, lots of 12 year olds are vaping or even drinking alcohol to cope. Just keep talking about it and explaining your viewpoint, if he understands why he should sleep in his room but doesn’t then he needs the reassurance.

I am sure you’ve tried all the sleep hygiene - my son really liked my floating bed or other mindfulness stories but if they are feeling anxious then nothing helps and they get fixated on coming into your room as that’s the solution in their mind. I can’t sleep when I am anxious and either cuddle the cat or husband if he is awake. I’m pretty sure the judges wouldn’t say that’s weird yet for some reason when it is a child they jump to the conclusion that there’s something wrong that should be disciplined or therapised out of them.

I’d go with gut feel rather than what you think you should do. Ignore it if it isn’t harming anyone and continue to be positive about his bedroom and the advantages of sleeping there as hopefully it will decrease naturally without it becoming a big deal.