Just heard someone saying vile things about me when they thought they had put the phone down

[seventiesborn]

I don’t know why but I’m shaking now. I called a relative earlier to give them some family news. I don’t really want to give too many details away but the conversation was civil and they thanked me for updating them. I then realised they hadn’t put the phone down and he started to imitate me to his partner and what I just said. His partner then started spouting off lots unpleasant things about me in the background and how she thinks I’m stuck up. I just hung up but I have to see them soon and wonder how I can react. I hate confrontation and I’m quite a quiet person.

Not sure why you have to see them.

Given that the OP had to call them to give them some family news it is possible that the OP will see them at a family funeral??? Or Christening or other family event?

This could of course be completely wrong, but if they were just meeting for a general catch up, I'm sure the OP could have pulled out.

That happened to me too. The culprit was the woman I worked for, and a couple of my colleagues.

Like you, i was shaking with loads of different emotions; mostly anger, i think.
But, i controlled myself and waited for my shift in the shop, cos i knew she was working that evening too.

So, she got in, and i told her that i heard her and her sister talking about me, and I gave a couple of examples of the things she said.
All the colour drained from her face. There was no point in denying it.

I told her that I can’t work for you anymore, i don’t deserve to be treated like this.
And i walked out!

She owed me money, but wouldn’t face me, so she sent her husband round to do her dirty work.

Bitch.

Exactly what I was going to say.

Only ever happened to me once with my Mum. Went and saw her and asked why she had said what she did and she denied it. I reminded her that it was she who had taught me not to lie, so why was she lying. She finally admitted saying the things she had, then gave me her excuse, apologised and burst into tears. We hugged, problem solved. It never happened again.

Nailed it.

I once got a txt message of what an awful person I was, that the sender had accidentally sent to me instead of whomever they were gossiping about me to..
It's so upsetting. Especially as I thought this person was a friend. I did have a cry about it. It was a shock.

End of the day though I would never in a million years talk about anyone in the way that I was spoken about in that message.

So who is really the awful person?

I don't understand people who are this nasty.

Now you know these particular relatives are judgemental pieces of shit who derive pleasure from mocking others.

Just bank that information and never trust them again.

And know that in this life you cannot please everyone all of the time.
Even the sweetest person in the world with have someone somewhere who can't stand them.
So don't take it to heart.
Easier said than done I know. Like I said I've experienced the shock of this and it is really upsetting in the moment.

Let them know you heard them.

Do this. Don't be a doormat.

Do you really have to see them soon? I'd avoid them if possible / be polite but distant. I wouldn't send any explanatory texts - maybe let them wonder why you're more distant (if they give it any thought at all).
If you have to give them news, email rather than phone and make it as brief as possible - grey rock as a previous poster said.

If you have to see them at an upcoming event my approach as a non confrontational person would be as follows. Go, behave like your normal self with all in attendance and before you leave quietly say o, could I just have a quick word before I head off. Take them aside and be factual. Say to them, "you may not be aware of it but thought you should know. You hadn't hung up on our last call and I heard x,y,z and then heard you say in a mocking voice x,y,z. ". Your words and mocking from both of you really hurt my feelings and came as quite a shock as it's not something I would have expected from either of you."

Then stay silent to see how they react. I imagine they will be very uncomfortable which will be wonderful. Stay silent even if it's killing you. Let them fill the silence. Hopefully they will apologise, you can decide whether or not to accept. If you choose to accept their apology, simply say thank you for your apology. Keep eye contact with them. Then say bye and walk off either to other guests or head home for the evening

If you choose to stay, have another guest in the picture as to what has happened and have them waiting to engage in a very interesting and amusing conversation so that this awful couple can crawl back under the rock they came from.

We don't have to like all people all the time but my goodness, dont get caught airing opinions so frankly!!

I'm another one who agrees with this.
I'm sorry this has happened to you , vile people , i would not be involving myself again with them in the future.

Yup, agree with others. No way would I let someone cause me that much anxiety and make me feel uncomfortable. I’d be making them squirm in return. You don’t have to be confrontational at all. ‘Check you’ve hung the phone up before slagging the person off next time’ and then I’d step away from those people going forward. You’re always going to feel awkward in front of them now. Life is too short!

My Uber church going SIL bitched about me not helping out at a family barbq when I was undergoing chemo. I overheard her in full rant.

I worked full time whilst on treatment as was in new job. Used to spend all weekend in bed after my Friday chemo.
This barbq was the first social event I had attended since starting chemo. I came home from the barbq. Went straight bed and was in hospital a day later. Had a very severe allergy reaction to my meds.

This woman retired at a very young age (well before 40) and she called me lazy when I was working full time on chemo when I was substantially older than she was when she retired!

Very bitter lady. We no longer see each other for a number of reasons.

I agree with the advice others have given re not staying quiet. These things just fester otherwise. You deserve to be treated with respect. Everyone does. Xx

What horrible people! You must’ve been so shocked.

If you don’t like confrontation, then you don’t have to do anything. You know what they think about you. And I’m sure you now have a pretty low opinion of them for being so nasty.

What happens going forward depends on how close a family member they are, how often you have to see them/contact them and in what context. Could another family member update them on news? Could you keep future contact with them minimal and by email or message? If you have to encounter them at a gathering, could you keep conversation minimal and superficial and give them a wide berth?

If they ask you why you no longer call or contact them much, you could, at that point, say it’s because you overheard what they had to say about you when you last called. And, naturally, it made you disinclined to have much contact.

But they may not ask.

Try not to take it to heart. Hold your head high. People who talk so nastily and judgementally about others are usually not worth the bother. There are many lovely people in the world who I’m sure do/will love and appreciate you ❤️

If you want to avoid further confrontation/conflict, I wouldn’t tell any family members about this or it could escalate. Could you confide in your partner or a friend who doesn’t know them and will never have to meet them. Or book a therapy session if you need to get it off your chest to a real person who will empathise.

I would also do this. I wouldn’t let it fester.

You know what they are truly like now. If you have a family WhatsApp group you can call them out there.

Same. I can’t relate.

I’d never gossip or talk horribly about my friends or family. I love them.

If I was afraid to be the first to leave a group of friends in case they discussed me unfavourably, I’d find new friends. Life’s too short.

I would add the word “ both” to “ before you (both) start discussing” just to emphasise you clocked her comments too.

No need to do more than send that text. If you are frosty thereafter they won’t be at a loss to know why.

Look at it this way...finding out what people really think of you by accident is like a super power! If you tell them you overheard, you give them the power back. Speak to them only when you have to and save your best energy for those who love you.

I wouldn’t even say anything as emotive as “ slagging off.” Just state it unemotionally that you heard them “ discussing.” They know what they said and you don’t need to stoop to negative descriptions. Keep yours pristine.

Totally agree! I hate confrontation but this is a great way of calling them out....

Or say it in person and see if they squirm....

I agree, send that message, but soon because chances are they won’t remember that conversation for very long and may be puzzled if you leave a gap. See if they apologise. I have to hold my hands up for sometimes making a flippant or mocking comment about someone I’m genuinely fond of ‘Oh ladida , get her’ kind of thing, and I’d be mortified if that person overheard. Perhaps they’ll be sorry.

There is a saying that goes- ‘if we knew what others said about us behind our backs, we wouldn’t speak to anyone at all’
It’s not nice OP when you hear it. I been on the other side. I sent a text moaning about a friend and accidentally sent it to the friend. Felt absolutely dreadful. I love my friend dearly and was just annoyed with her about something and moaning to someone else. It was 20 years ago and I still feel so bad about it.

I would do what the majority have suggested. It may be that they are very sorry for what they said (and that you overheard it) and may surprise you by pointing out something you had done that (in their minds) had caused them to have that opinion of you.

I say this cos a very long-term (c 20 years) close friend of mine suddenly blanked me. I asked others in our close-knit group if they knew why, but they said not, so I visited the friend and asked her (gently) what I had done to upset her. She simply said that I knew full well what I had said/done and didn't want to discuss it. But I didn't have a clue at all. I asked her DH if he knew and he said not. Over the ensuing years I invited them to a few social events at home and although he sometimes came along (he knew others who were invited), he always had an excuse for his wife not coming (usually some illness). My DD was (is) a close friend with their son, having been to the same schools, knew each other's eventual spouses and been on holidays together many times, so invited them to her wedding six years ago. They politely conversed with me about how lovely the bride looked and things like that, but it was not like the old days at all.

Sadly she now has dementia so I will likely never know what it was all about.

I just wish she had told me at the time why she wanted nothing more to do with me. I'd like to be able to support her DH if he wants help.

I just wonder if your situation was similar in that you have done something to give your "friends" a poor opinion of you and maybe it was a misunderstanding at the time.

This!