Just heard someone saying vile things about me when they thought they had put the phone down

[seventiesborn]

I don’t know why but I’m shaking now. I called a relative earlier to give them some family news. I don’t really want to give too many details away but the conversation was civil and they thanked me for updating them. I then realised they hadn’t put the phone down and he started to imitate me to his partner and what I just said. His partner then started spouting off lots unpleasant things about me in the background and how she thinks I’m stuck up. I just hung up but I have to see them soon and wonder how I can react. I hate confrontation and I’m quite a quiet person.

@AthWat I’m not suggesting that ppl, myself included, never talk about others behind their backs, but it doesn’t have to be nasty.

I agree that you can’t choose your extended family, but I can honestly say that we’ve never been really bitchy about ours, it’s more along the lines of “So D-Sister didn’t offer you anything to eat or drink all afternoon? She’s never been the best host, has she, ha, ha, ha!” Or “ Grandpa was so grumpy today, he keeps moaning about washing, he hates chores.”

I was with my dad and step mother once when they were bad mouthing my sister and saying how awful they found her and it was very uncomfortable. I asked them 'Do you talk about me like this?' and they said they didn't but they never spoke like that in front of me again. They probably say it to others but I don't want to hear my sister spoken of that way.

I’m another who would send a text stating you heard what they said about you and you didn’t appreciate it at all. In the future you won’t communicate with them for being so rude.

Do you like them though? If there was one neither you nor your partner liked, wouldn't you discuss that in a negative way?

Does it really matter if they do an impression? The point is they don't like her, they've obviously managed not to let her know, out of civility, but she's found out by mistake.

I am being totally straight with you

but I don’t talk negatively about friends and family behind their backs. I’m 44 years old. And neither does any of my friends and family bitch to me behind others backs

This happened to me. Not family, but someone I regarded as a good friend. I had to confront. When something like this happens I don’t think there’s any coming back from it. If you leave it, it will fester and it’ll destroy the relationship with them anyway. Tell them what you heard and ask them to explain to your face why they think that way. Then going NC is an option, and they will know why.

Yep, I think the moral of the story is to never say anything behind someone’s back that you wouldn’t be prepared to repeat to their face.

This happened to me once years ago when my father failed to hang up and what I heard sent me spiralling, I was actually thinking about it today which is weird.

I would also let them know that you heard them then go nc.

This has only happened to me once or twice, and never with close relatives, so that's going to make a big difference to how you want to respond. For me I just outright said "I heard what you said about me" and left it at that really.

One time I was staying with a friend for a night in a city she and her BF lived in. He got very drunk and they slept in the next room to me. I literally heard every slight and criticism he made about me for about -30 mins before he passed out. the next day she said "I hope Julian's ranting didn't keep you awake" and I said "oh no, I was already awake". And her face just looked so shocked because she knew.

But I didn't really care what an unemployed drunk thought of me after pretending to be nice for an evening. I just decided he was a wanker.

I think I'd be really upset if family did this. Sorry not to be more helpful.

That's an absurd position to take. Why on earth would you not say to your partner you feel an acquaintance, let's say a friend's partner, is self-centred and arrogant, and you don't enjoy their company? And why would you march up to them and say it to their face? Saying negative things about people in private to the people close to you is simply a sharing of information. How else will they know you don't like them?

She was my real mum yes,no longer with us.

I found it utterly bizarre and find it even weirder now I have my own children. I can't imagine begrudging them anything like that (not that either of my DSs would be seen dead in my clothes 🤣would be nice if I got to eat a bar of chocolate solo though lol). Hardly like I took his freshly ironed suit meant for work that day.

All I can say is she was a very complicated woman,with some very strange ideas and a love of drama.

Frankly you shouldn’t listen.

People are entitled to have private conversations. Theyre entitled to vent. And they’re entitled to whinge about people in their lives. Don’t listen if you don’t want to know people’s honest views.

What a ridiculous post.

0/10 for empathy

If you can keep a level and neutral tone I would suggest offering the advice re hanging up in person and then casually walk away. Let them squirm and they won’t come back at you. In a text, they have time to twist

Loving @Wishimaywishimight ’s suggestion. I’d so do that.

I think it’s unfortunately true what some pp have said about it being common. My cousin and her mum, my dm’s sister, are awful for slagging off my dm behind her back, thoroughly deserved, sadly. Then my aunt told me my cousin was moaning about something I’d said. I fear it’s human nature with some people.

I’m so sorry this has happened, you must be so upset. Please find the confidence to say something. Because believe me, they will no doubt feel worse than you feel right now, and honestly it will make you feel better.

Some people just can’t help themselves it’s in their make up to be horrible to others; try not to let it upset you too much; but don’t let them get away scott free; they need to be told; do you feel you could maybe email them saying when I spoke to you on xxxx you didn’t put the phone down properly & I heard everything you & xxx had to say (give an example of what you heard each one say so they know you definitely heard everything) I found it upsetting but moving forward I will not contact you again as I don’t like how you both perceive me. And cut them from your social circle you won’t miss them x

Call them back and tell them that you heard it all and ask them to explain why they're such a two faced cuuuuuuunty bitch......

I actually think you are right. We all assume that people like this will be like us, and feel embarrassed and remorseful. Nope. Most of the time these are simply nasty people with no moral compass. I change my mind. No text. Just cut them off. Honestly. Your life will be easy. It’s not your job to train adults on how to be good human beings.

I agree with everything said here

It’s funny how certain expressions become fashionable on here, sometimes for just a little while. Where do they come from? At the moment it’s ‘grey rock’. What does that even mean? (Serious question)

I wondered the same. I've never heard that expression before? 🤔

It means speaking to somebody in a bland way, giving nothing away, just being civil and engaging minimally.

I would not send a text - just disengage with them. Not sure why you have to see them. If it is just them keep it short or make an excuse and cancel. If it is in a group, avoid as much as possible. I think if you confront them you will give them more ammunition and they may get a kick out of having upset you. Just disengage.