How to feel ok with not celebrating my birthday

[Oganesson118]

I'll start by saying we never do anything especially special for my birthday but this year being one ending in a 0 I foolishly decided we should use it as an excuse to do that. I don't like parties and my friends are too scattered around for that to be an option so I thought maybe we could go away and do something fun.

DH told us we couldn't do my initial plans because he was going on holiday for a fortnight with his family not long before it and didn't want to take more A/L so soon. I said we could so something different just over the weekend. Essentially though all he's cared about is his holiday, we could never discuss anything else but now he's back and half heartedly looked into it but it's over the BH weekend so everything is booked up.

I'm so disappointed that he doesn't seem to care that I've decided not to care either and not do anything for my birthday at all. No cards, no cakes, no presents. But I can't help feeling sad about that even though I don't want to feel that way. I'm dreading everyone asking "Oh what did you do for your birthday? Oh but WHY NOT?" when I say nothing. I don't know how to make myself not care.

Probably going to get roasted and called all sorts but do your worst. No one in real life cares so why would you.

OP I really feel for you after reading your posts. It appears that his mother and sister are top priority. When you say that his family are insular that’s odd because you are married and should be included in most things.

The fact that you are questioning whether you are making a fuss of things makes me think that he has eroded your confidence over the years. Do you feel undervalued in other aspects of your marriage and life?

When he says he doesn’t want to take AL so close to his family holiday… well why did he prioritise that trip over your birthday. It’s not like he wouldn’t have known about it!

Please speak up you deserve more than what you are getting right now.

What about you use the money you would have spent on both of you going away to do lots of lovely treats for yourself? You say your friends are scattered about but could you meet them halfway / some place else and, for example, do a spa day with one, a theatre show with another, a fancy lunch / afternoon tea etc etc and then you have lots of lovely things to do to celebrate you. And when people ask, then that is what you are doing. Happy Birthday. Don't waste your own celebration because your 'D'H has been a dick.

Screw it OP, don't waste time and money on your husband's birthdays anymore. Concentrate on yourself instead. Maybe book yourself a weekend away or treat yourself to a lovely present to two!

I'm completely alone for all my birthdays every year but it doesn't stop me. I treat myself to some really nice presents, have a nice meal out or take away, get myself a birthday cake. I always have a lovely day....no reliance on anybody else so no failed expectations.

The first thing I want to say to you is that you’ve done everything right, you were upfront about wanting to do something and you’ve always celebrated your DH and presumably DC’s birthdays. You seem to feel that you’ve done something wrong but you haven’t!

Next, it’s not completely unreasonable that your DH didn’t want too much annual leave close together but it is a bit sad that he prioritised his family. However, family dynamics can be frustrating and I’m guessing that you are accepting of that? My DSis has a very dysfunctional family but puts up with it.

You are obviously pretty upset about this and I don’t blame you, it is all about what you wanted to happen but your DH hasn’t bothered to step up to. You’ve done the right thing explaining to your DH but I feel you are cutting your nose off to spite your face by abandoning all. No one will feel better for this.

Give yourself a day or two but then plan something for yourself that you actually fancy. Take your DC with you if that appeals. My 50th was during COVId but we managed a lovely weekend away with my DD, yes my DH did sort it but with a lot of involvement as I knew what I wanted (out of what was available). Start thinking about what you’d like, I think this is the only way to move on from the negative state you’re in (and I don’t blame you for it, no need to feel bad about that too).

Youre RIGHT and you’re desires are VALID. 💐

I'm so sorry. I thought your DH was a bit of a twat from your first post but reading all your replies I definitely think he is a massive twat.

life is too short to not celebrate your birthday

I'm sorry he does not see this, he is your partner and show realise you deserve to be celebrated and treated! You aren't asking for diamond encrusted shoes but a bit of effort and consideration. This doesn't make you spoilt at all!

His response of keeping up with the joneses and "clearly I botched it" is gaslighting and also how can you botch something you did fuck all for?!

I get you might need to spending the actual day with him and your kids but could you arrange to go and visit a friend for the weekend before or after?
you deserve to be treated and celebrated, if he is too stupid to do it then I really hope you can do it yourself xx

YABU reasonable to want to miss out on your birthday. It matters to you.

My husband used to struggle with thoughtful (in my opinion) or surprise gifts and planning events. Would ask me what I wanted or stick to safe bets like flowers, chocolates or champagne.

I learnt that I needed to tell him what I wanted but in a way that met my needs. Some things I’ve done are:

1. Gone shopping with him on the day for my present. Eg said I would like a new handbag so we went to a designer outlet/village, had breakfast together in a restaurant and then chose bag together. This could be great for you as not too late to arrange (no real advance planning). You could choose where you want go - perhaps a nice town that’s worth visiting in a touristy sense not just for shopping.
2. Sent him links to lots of different things I would like (way too many/too much cost for him just buy them all). Where possible not specifying brand or colour etc. That way he chooses what he wants me to have and thinks what would suit me etc.
3. Told him I would like to see any west end musical - he can choose which one and when etc. Then when on the date we kind of decide where to eat etc together rather than getting too princess like about him planning an entire day.
4. Tell him how I’d like to spend the day e.g just with you and the kids with some M&S picky food, Theme park and a picnic, art gallery and posh cocktails

The thing is that over time he has got better as he has kind of learnt what l like and had often pleasantly surprised me with his choices. This is helped by the internet algorithms - so he will get online marketing messages from the things he had done/bought before. Still needs to check things with me sometimes but he has been known to say things like ‘there’s a new film/comedian on at X,Y, Z do you fancy going’. Which would never have happened before.

Have a lovely birthday OP x

He’s allowed to be grumpy and offended about your birthday but you’re not. Got it.

He will do nothing at all to celebrate, but you have to sit there while he does nothing.

Woman, you need to find your anger.

Hi op,

gosh. That was really mean of him not to organise nothing when you said you would like to… I would have taken myself out and celebrate it alone tbh. You still can!!!

Good luck op 👍🏼

"I’m not happy but I thought I was being unreasonable and spoilt to want him to do these things for me sometimes."

You are not spolit at all, you are furthest from spoilt. Honestly, of course he should do something nice for you.

It doesn't matter what you do as long as it is something you like to do and want to do. He should be treating you well not badly and then sulking about it. Is this always the way it has been?

1. Celebrate your own birthday - lots of good suggestions - take your pick!

2. Don’t even consider doing anything for father’s day or any celebrations of him in the future until he gets his act together. Just say based on my birthday I didn’t think we were doing that anymore if he’s terribly offended (likely!)

Not because I am a spoilt princess but because it feels like a good opportunity to do something nice for a birthday.

OP, please please stop calling yourself a spoilt princess. I guess someone has said that to you whenever you have rightly had needs of your own. Wanting to be recognized is not spoiled. And dont we all deserve some spoiling at times? I think we should all (male or female) be treated like royalty at times.

Mother's Day doesn't seem to be important to him. If I hadn't booked a meal we wouldn't have done anything.

Nothing that is not about him sounds important to him. Which is shit in a relationship.

My partner's family are very insular and to them family doesn't really extend to spouses

Sounds like he comes from a long line of arseholes.

In fact, OP, if thinking of yourself as a princess is what it takes to assert your needs and expecting fair treatment from others, I think you should buy yourself a tiara for your birthday!!!!

Your husband is a fucking self centred arse - I am furious for you. His behaviour is awful and his ‘sob’ story is just laughable. When he says ‘clearly I botched it!’ come back at him and say yes you fucking did…

Stop putting yourself down, your feelings and wants are just as important as his!! Why should you get less than you deserve?? Absolutely not, be clear - he needs to sort this out now!!

If he doesn’t pull his finger out - please do nothing for his birthday as he doesn’t deserve it.

⬆️⬆️⬆️

Also because anyway, it’s ok to be a princess and to expect your dh to treat you as such (and by that I mean with the same respect and care)

Are you up near the border? I'm pretty sure we can find you a pal to celebrate your birthday with on here! And you can bring your daughter too!

It’s not just a birthday it’s a special occasion I think your dh is being really selfish I originally thought it might be a ruse for a big surprise but by your other posts you don’t think this is likely.
You have every right to be upset I would be too. it’s like it isn’t important to him but it is to you and that’s what should matter I really hope you do something to celebrate and mark the occasion as you might regret letting him leaving you hanging and being low is even more reason not to let it go by not being celebrated.
I was never big on birthdays or fuss but I lost family and realised I should embrace the big birthdays and I will do now anything with a zero on the end as they only come every 10 years so go for it.
Please don’t let your selfish thoughtless dh ruin your special day. happy birthday.

I don't want to say too much about location as this is probably already a little outing. Though I do appreciate the sentiment!

My last big 0 birthday, I celebrated for a year !

I planned & did lots of different things & did them all

It was certainly a year to remember !

Therefore, I would suggest booking some things to do for your 0 birthday.

Suggest visit all your friends

Go somewhere new

Do some new things

Id be sad if my DH didn't recognize my birthday. But what about your own family and own friends?. Get together with those who ARE recognizing it and enjoy yourself. Martyrdom is a miserable business. The underlying problem is the much bigger issue though : why is he preferring to use his AL with his family rather than you?

It is NOT about doin right or doin wrong
It IS a relationship - find the common ground - compromise (meet half way)
If this is NOT accepted by either then, it is the wrong relationship
Willing HAS to be shown

It’s awkward. I don’t have any siblings, my cousins live far away and have very full lives and I don’t have close friends who live nearby, not the sort I can invite out anyway, people are busy with their own lives. There’s just my mum and I haven’t really told her what’s gone on.

If nothing changes, everything remains the same

Why don't you think it's reasonable to expect your dh to buy you something lovely or take you on a birthday trip? You're really far from a princess, speaking as a princess myself, lean into that. He should be making you feel wanted and loved and cherished every day.

Sorry but why are you married? One forgot birthday is a sackable offence but it sounds like your husband care little for you. I really don’t think it’s worth staying in such a toxic relationship for the kids as all your are establishing is mothers don’t matter. I

you say: ‘ I do think he will be horribly offended/grumpy if I choose to spend the day with someone else (and I know it's ridiculous that that bothers me!), and my kid probably might be too.’ - yet he is spending two weeks away when you have kids and just what? Expecting you to do all the work, drop/offs, pickups housework whilst he is away? Yet you can do one thing? Why two weeks? He can easily say sorry I can only do one, it’s Xxx birthday.

I’ve found as I get older I want to spend time with my kids on my birthday, so that’s another option is you go away with them? As it seems your DH isn’t much part of your family anyway.

Finally if you don’t want to divorce, you need to set some non-negotiables. You need to be clear that you want to be centred more and you want him to organise a minimum 3 day celebration , I mean for goodness sake if there is one person who should be prioritising you and centring you, it’s your husband!

Could you make it into a positive thing about spending time with your mum without necessarily telling her your husband is useless if you don’t want to mention that to her?

like “hi Mum - I was thinking I’d really love to spend my big bday with you this year. Could we have a really nice day out somewhere?”