Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Chat

Join the discussion and chat with other Mumsnetters about everyday life, relationships and parenting.

Original poster

How to feel ok with not celebrating my birthday

287 replies

Oganesson118 · 14/05/2025 10:38

I'll start by saying we never do anything especially special for my birthday but this year being one ending in a 0 I foolishly decided we should use it as an excuse to do that. I don't like parties and my friends are too scattered around for that to be an option so I thought maybe we could go away and do something fun.

DH told us we couldn't do my initial plans because he was going on holiday for a fortnight with his family not long before it and didn't want to take more A/L so soon. I said we could so something different just over the weekend. Essentially though all he's cared about is his holiday, we could never discuss anything else but now he's back and half heartedly looked into it but it's over the BH weekend so everything is booked up.

I'm so disappointed that he doesn't seem to care that I've decided not to care either and not do anything for my birthday at all. No cards, no cakes, no presents. But I can't help feeling sad about that even though I don't want to feel that way. I'm dreading everyone asking "Oh what did you do for your birthday? Oh but WHY NOT?" when I say nothing. I don't know how to make myself not care.

Probably going to get roasted and called all sorts but do your worst. No one in real life cares so why would you.

OP posts:
Someone2025 · 14/05/2025 18:15

Sandflea9900 · 14/05/2025 17:51

It’s my 50th birthday today. Got two cards. Went to work as normal. Had to order my own present from DH. 😢

Happy 50th Birthday🎂🍾
Make sure you don’t make dinner for your husband / family tonight, they should be treating you!

Italiangreyhound · 14/05/2025 18:16

OP have I got this straight... You organised and paid for a big birthday for him but he has done nothing for yours except complain when you point out this failure.

He's spent two weeks of annual leave with his mum and sister, leaving you to do everything at home.

And you booked and paid for your own mother's day meal.

OP in your shoes I would not be happy with the way things are going. I think you need to change things.

MumoftwoGirls11 · 14/05/2025 18:23

Ask him now that he realises he's botched it, what's he going to do about it? Sulk? 🙄

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about this subject:

Events & celebrations
Cognacsoft · 14/05/2025 18:23

Sandflea9900 · 14/05/2025 17:51

It’s my 50th birthday today. Got two cards. Went to work as normal. Had to order my own present from DH. 😢

Happy birthday. Hope you ordered something expensive.

Original poster
Oganesson118 · 14/05/2025 18:23

Italiangreyhound · 14/05/2025 18:16

OP have I got this straight... You organised and paid for a big birthday for him but he has done nothing for yours except complain when you point out this failure.

He's spent two weeks of annual leave with his mum and sister, leaving you to do everything at home.

And you booked and paid for your own mother's day meal.

OP in your shoes I would not be happy with the way things are going. I think you need to change things.

Yes - his big birthday was a few years ago but I do still do something every year. By contrast, last year for mine we went to Nando’s last minute.

Spot on re the two weeks and Mother’s Day.

I’m not happy but I thought I was being unreasonable and spoilt to want him to do these things for me sometimes.

OP posts:
MumoftwoGirls11 · 14/05/2025 18:25

Happy birthday!

AmIHumanOrAmIAYeti · 14/05/2025 18:29

Oganesson118 · 14/05/2025 18:23

Yes - his big birthday was a few years ago but I do still do something every year. By contrast, last year for mine we went to Nando’s last minute.

Spot on re the two weeks and Mother’s Day.

I’m not happy but I thought I was being unreasonable and spoilt to want him to do these things for me sometimes.

Show quote history

You know you aren’t now, don’t you?

My husband’s 50th is coming up and I’m planning a humid get of a holiday (whether he wants it or not!). We only go all out for 0 birthdays and I know that for mine he’ll let teen DD decide what we should do and book it without thinking twice.

Beautifulweeds · 14/05/2025 18:30

Your family and friends will be giving you cards and flowers and hopefully your DH as well on the day. Tbh though, he should have thought about the AL, cut his other holiday short and planned something for you. Xx

Hollietree · 14/05/2025 18:34

Oganesson118 · 14/05/2025 18:23

Yes - his big birthday was a few years ago but I do still do something every year. By contrast, last year for mine we went to Nando’s last minute.

Spot on re the two weeks and Mother’s Day.

I’m not happy but I thought I was being unreasonable and spoilt to want him to do these things for me sometimes.

Show quote history

You know deep down that you are not at all unreasonable wanting your significant other to put a little thought into your birthday or Mother’s Day. It doesn’t have to cost a lot of money, but any decent human being puts a little thought and care into planning something nice for the people we are closest to on special occasions.

MyLittleNest · 14/05/2025 18:40

As nice as it would for DH to do the planning, I learned from experience that it's better for me to just do it for myself or I end up disappointed. Yes, it's not as special, but it's better than nothing and at least to my liking!

Based on your other posts, I'd take a heavy step back from efforts for his birthdays going forward. Ask where he wants to go eat and call and make the reservation, nothing more. If he doesn't give you a card, he doesn't get one. If he comments, simply say you were following his lead.

UnicornBubble · 14/05/2025 18:46

I know how you feel. I’ve never been one for ‘fuss’ for my birthday but minimal of effort would be nice. I once spent one of my birthdays in a coffee shop alone, trying not to cry, whilst my husband lazed on the sofa watching sport.

Do something for you!! Either spoil yourself or ask whichever friends/family you have close by to get together. Leave him out of it, if he can’t care enough to put in even a little effort.
You deserve better xx

Cherrysoup · 14/05/2025 18:51

Oganesson118 · 14/05/2025 11:18

I wasn’t invited. It was during term time anyway and we have a school age child and they were doing family things.

Show quote history

For 2 weeks and now he has no more annual leave? You and your dc are his family too! He’s a selfish arse. I bet, I absolutely bloody bet, that you go all out for his birthday, regardless of number. I bet you ensure the dc does too. Please stop, he deserves fuck all.

UnicornBubble · 14/05/2025 18:53

If you’re in the UK and near to Cardiff, I’ll help you celebrate your birthday!!! 🎁

Harleyband · 14/05/2025 18:54

OP I'm sorry and Happy Birthday. Obviously you DO care about your birthday so don't pretend you don't. It will make you feel even worse. Plan something nice for just you or with your DD if you'd like or buy yourself something you've always wanted. I would not include DH and I'd not tell him- he'll just be horrible about it. I'd also completely stop celebrating any of his birthdays/father's day etc and you can use all his language back at him if he complains. That is if you're still together. I'd LTB but that's a lot easier said than done.

WilfredsPies · 14/05/2025 18:56

What an absolute arse. Yes, he botched it. He massively botched it. So how is he going to fix it? Because if it’s taking himself off to bed for a good sulk until you’re ready to apologise to him, then fuck that for a game of soldiers. You need to tell him, very clearly, that his lack of effort is just not good enough. So he has one chance to redeem himself and if he doesn’t want that chance, then you’ll consider that a nail in the coffin of your marriage and will match his energy going forward. And then don’t you dare plan another thing for him.

I had a 40th full of celebrations. I’ll be spending my 50th at a children’s attraction looking after bags while everyone else goes on rides and taking photos. And that’s fine, because it’s my choice to do that. If you want to mark your day then you absolutely do that. Don’t cut your nose off to spite your face because you’ll have a very sad day. Organise something that will make you happy, be that a spa or a shopping trip or sitting on the nearest beach with a book and a bottle of wine with a straw in it. And don’t invite him.

Original poster
Oganesson118 · 14/05/2025 19:02

UnicornBubble · 14/05/2025 18:53

If you’re in the UK and near to Cardiff, I’ll help you celebrate your birthday!!! 🎁

That's lovely of you but I'm about 5 hours from Cardiff! I've heard it's lovely though!

OP posts:
Original poster
Oganesson118 · 14/05/2025 19:02

Cherrysoup · 14/05/2025 18:51

For 2 weeks and now he has no more annual leave? You and your dc are his family too! He’s a selfish arse. I bet, I absolutely bloody bet, that you go all out for his birthday, regardless of number. I bet you ensure the dc does too. Please stop, he deserves fuck all.

Edited
Show quote history

He has more but he didn't want to take it so close together.

OP posts:
Azureshores · 14/05/2025 19:04

Why would you get roasted and called all sorts?

Your dh is a selfish twat and it sounds like he doesnt give a toss about you. Anyone would be upset by that.

Original poster
Oganesson118 · 14/05/2025 19:08

Azureshores · 14/05/2025 19:04

Why would you get roasted and called all sorts?

Your dh is a selfish twat and it sounds like he doesnt give a toss about you. Anyone would be upset by that.

I thought people would think I was being a spoilt princess about it and it's only a birthday...

OP posts:
TimeForABreak4 · 14/05/2025 19:12

What an absolute pick. Personally I wouldn't be bothering to make any effort for his birthdays ever again. No cake, card, present and certainely no holidays.

What age is your kid? I'd happily go away abroad for a long weekend with your child if I were you if they aren't so young that it would be more like hard work. Don't even invite him just book it and tell him closer to the time you're going away since he didn't want to take annual leave and got a break for his bday organised and paid for by you.

Azureshores · 14/05/2025 19:16

Oganesson118 · 14/05/2025 19:08

I thought people would think I was being a spoilt princess about it and it's only a birthday...

Show quote history

The fact that you think that suggests you are used to making yourself very small and not making a fuss about anything to keep the peace? I'd be livid if dh didn't make a bit of a fuss on my birthday - not even just the big ones - as I do on his and our dc's. By a fuss I mean a decent present and card and being brought a cup of tea in the morning or whatever at the very least. Dh and I tend to have weekends away for our birthdays and have since the dc's were quite young. It's important to have little celebrations in life and to have time away as a couple.

It's also ok to expect the one person in your life who is supposed to have your back and love and care about you make a bit of effort on your special birthday. And don't listen to anyone who tells you otherwise, just bc they don't have standards doesn't mean you shouldn't.

Nikki75 · 14/05/2025 19:17

Dont let your birthday go, tell your husband how your feeling and put yourself first. You deserve it if you dont do anything with him have you got a friend you could plan something with a nice meal get your hair done some new clothes, do it for you x

LlynTegid · 14/05/2025 19:19

I think you should not fall for this nonsense and excuse for consumerism called 'big' or 'milestone' birthdays. They are all one day long too, no such thing as a birthday week.

You should celebrate all birthdays the same, I think your DH and other family should make an effort for them.

miss79guided · 14/05/2025 19:27

Oganesson118 · 14/05/2025 10:38

I'll start by saying we never do anything especially special for my birthday but this year being one ending in a 0 I foolishly decided we should use it as an excuse to do that. I don't like parties and my friends are too scattered around for that to be an option so I thought maybe we could go away and do something fun.

DH told us we couldn't do my initial plans because he was going on holiday for a fortnight with his family not long before it and didn't want to take more A/L so soon. I said we could so something different just over the weekend. Essentially though all he's cared about is his holiday, we could never discuss anything else but now he's back and half heartedly looked into it but it's over the BH weekend so everything is booked up.

I'm so disappointed that he doesn't seem to care that I've decided not to care either and not do anything for my birthday at all. No cards, no cakes, no presents. But I can't help feeling sad about that even though I don't want to feel that way. I'm dreading everyone asking "Oh what did you do for your birthday? Oh but WHY NOT?" when I say nothing. I don't know how to make myself not care.

Probably going to get roasted and called all sorts but do your worst. No one in real life cares so why would you.

DONT celebrate your birthday > Be born AGAIN Be the best in the world - start a new Guinness World Records - get a world record - begin your life as the worlds best
(born again)
The rest is then, up to you

Be born again and start a new
as a Guinness World Record holder

Daisy12Maisie · 14/05/2025 19:28

Get yourself a present. Something that you have always wanted. Eg I would like to go on a cookery course. They are expensive where I live so I won’t book one but this would be a good occasion to do it.

Then for your actual birthday tell your partner you have booked somewhere for lunch or a spa or whatever you want.
I took my sisters dog for a walk on my birthday as it was nice to have a walk and some peace (it was a busy month). So you don’t have to do anything fancy if you don’t want but just something nice.

Swipe left for the next trending thread