How to feel ok with not celebrating my birthday

[Oganesson118]

I'll start by saying we never do anything especially special for my birthday but this year being one ending in a 0 I foolishly decided we should use it as an excuse to do that. I don't like parties and my friends are too scattered around for that to be an option so I thought maybe we could go away and do something fun.

DH told us we couldn't do my initial plans because he was going on holiday for a fortnight with his family not long before it and didn't want to take more A/L so soon. I said we could so something different just over the weekend. Essentially though all he's cared about is his holiday, we could never discuss anything else but now he's back and half heartedly looked into it but it's over the BH weekend so everything is booked up.

I'm so disappointed that he doesn't seem to care that I've decided not to care either and not do anything for my birthday at all. No cards, no cakes, no presents. But I can't help feeling sad about that even though I don't want to feel that way. I'm dreading everyone asking "Oh what did you do for your birthday? Oh but WHY NOT?" when I say nothing. I don't know how to make myself not care.

Probably going to get roasted and called all sorts but do your worst. No one in real life cares so why would you.

"No cards, no cakes, no presents."

Now you're just throwing your toys out of the pram.
Grow up.

It’s really not that hard for someone to sort something to make someone feel special on their birthday. It doesn’t have to be expensive, it’s just a bit of thought to show you care about that person. It’s all a bit depressing when it’s being put to you by your DH that this is just too much to ask. It really isn’t.
For the birthday itself, I think let that play out and see what he comes up with. I’d then organise something wonderful for you and your friends. I then suggest you really reflect on what your DH is bringing to the table here overall. I appreciate relationships are more complex than you can capture in a post but his choices and responses seem to be quite selfish from what I can see and I think you deserve better.

Oh…I know exactly how you feel, I had a big birthday a couple of months ago, and was let down badly, it still stings now.
Do something special on your own.
Here is my thread, it had some lovely suggestions
https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/5295348-shall-i-just-get-up-and-go-out?latest=1

It’s really not that hard for someone to sort something to make someone feel special on their birthday. It doesn’t have to be expensive, it’s just a bit of thought to show you care about that person. It’s all a bit depressing when it’s being put to you by your DH that this is just too much to ask. It really isn’t.
For the birthday itself, I think let that play out and see what he comes up with. I’d then organise something wonderful for you and your friends. I then suggest you really reflect on what your DH is bringing to the table here overall. I appreciate relationships are more complex than you can capture in a post but his choices and responses seem to be quite selfish from what I can see and I think you deserve better.

Would you consider a solo city break to a nice shopping central european destination to pamper yourself without mr miserable?

I remember you! 😊 Are you still with him?

Celebrating a '0' birthday can last all year!!

As he doesn't give a shit, then you can arrange to visit each of your good friends who live far away, one weekend at a time.

And then you go on holiday with your child - he can come if he pays.

Tell him to arrange a weekend away for later in the year, to make up for for being so useless so far. And a date night out ASAP.

Him not bothering to do anything for your birthday is reason to celebrate yourself even more, not less. Otherwise you are cutting of your nose to spite your face, and he wan't care at all, so you'll only be hurting yourself.

Do you think you feel a bit low and a bit meh because your DH does not consider you properly / treat you very well? I don’t even know you but I want you to have an amazing birthday! All your feelings and emotions are valid, you don’t need to minimise or apologise for them. Treat yourself as if you were your own best friend - what treats and surprises would you organise? 💐

Are you sure he's not planning a surprise and trying to keep it low key?
It's perfectly fine to care, especially on a birthday ending in 0.

What a knob. That update makes things so much worse. He values you so little doesn’t he.

im sorry.

Tell us where you will be OP and we will turn up and celebrate it with you.
💐💐💐💐

It's difficult changing gears when you've got a set routine. If your relationship is one in which you don't make a fuss celebrating each-other's birthdays etc and then you suddenly expect special treatment for your birthday then it's understandable your partner is taken aback. I'm more interested why OP seems to take a back seat. No Mother's Day, no birthdays, not involved with partner's family etc. If OP is not happy with the arrangement she needs to change it now and re-set expectations, ie that she and daughter are his primary family and first consideration in everything. As it should be.

I wish I could reply to everyone.

@wherethewildrosesgrow I remember you. I'll have a look at some of those ideas and the good ones here.

@AlmostAJillSandwich I'm not a big shopper but maybe somewhere! I'd like to do it with someone ideally but I could go it alone.

@IOSTT that's good advice and something to consider when I feel less low.

@GreenSkyes he's never arranged a surprise in 13 years, I don't think he has that level of thoughfulness.

@FatherFrosty It seems that way.

This. 100 per cent.
Find something nice to do... and off you go.

Why don’t you ignore him and spend your birthday with your parents/sibling/family?

It’s my 50th birthday today. Got two cards. Went to work as normal. Had to order my own present from DH. 😢

I get where you're coming from but I did tell him I would like things to be different this year. Not because I am a spoilt princess but because it feels like a good opportunity to do something nice for a birthday.

Mother's Day doesn't seem to be important to him. If I hadn't booked a meal we wouldn't have done anything.

My partner's family are very insular and to them family doesn't really extend to spouses.

I’m sorry your birthday was a disappointment - happy birthday from me

Just read your update OP..
Your husband is MEAN but I would put that crap to one side for the moment. Focus on you.

It's bucket list time. As a pp said.. your birthday celebration can last as long as you like. You paid for his birthday treat... so I'm assuming you would be able to spend some funds on yourself. You can stagger the treats if needed...

Things like.
Send yourself a fuck off bouquet of flowers to arrive on the day. And get a nice cake from a good bakery.. and have a high tea with your DD.
Get your hair done. Have a manicure ( get your ears pierced if they are not already and save up for some lovely earrings - it takes 10 weeks for them to heal)
Buy yourself a nice outfit.
Go to see a good film with your DD.. or a trip up to nearest town to have a wander... cream tea/art gallery or whatever... (I took DS up to look around Oxford in the summer it was beautiful and we had a great time).
Or as the hotels were booked up for bank holiday... but you could delay it until there's a better time. Go with your DD and have a girls break. Paris?
Its the summer so maybe a bikeride together with a picnic.
Youmentioned friends don't live near you.. make plans to travel and meet up.

Im sure you've already got some ideas... but what I'm saying is don't just do one thing.. Do at least 10!! and enjoy them. Book them and do them and remember you don't have to ask permission.

You are changing the tradition where you are not celebrated, to one were you are. And if your DH won't do it.. then you give your DD £10-20 what ever at Christmas and Birthdays and Mother's day to buy you a present.. She will probably enjoy choosing it for you.
Dont let this rubbish behaviour grind you down. You are worth it and you care about yourself. So now treat yourself
Happy Birthday xx

That’s what I wondered. Two weeks away with ‘family’ without your spouse seems a bit excessive.

What have a I been reading recently!!! LADIES, please stop letting the men in your life take you for granted, treat you like nanny’s or skivvys and walk all over you!

especially those with children you know your children will see this and the cycle won’t be broken as they will grow up thinking this is how men treat women and women should just put up and shut up!

ps.
"My partner's family are very insular and to them family doesn't really extend to spouses."

Then No need to spend time and effort on their birthday /xmas presents.. let their son put the effort into that. Also, from now on I wouldn't put myself out for them in the slightest.

You really need to work on being your own person. You're a people pleaser and that's why your first impulse is to deny what you actually want and say that you don't care.

You do care, and you're not unreasonable to care.

He didn't care about Mother's Day and he's not going to care about your birthday or any other days that are for you, about you or important to you.

Why do you keep expecting him to be different? This is who he is.

I'm not saying this to be unkind, but to help you to let it go. Don't keep believing the delusion. Let it go and then do something for yourself to mark the day and make it meaningful. Who cares if he's grumpy about it?? I mean that seriously; why on earth should that matter one tiny little bit?

My partner won’t celebrate my special days either. It was sad but am over it now and always organise nice things for myself. For my big birthday I organised a weekend away with my family (without him), a party (he was invited but didn’t come) and a trip to Florida with my daughter on our own. Day to day we get on okay, but I just leave him out of celebrations and treat myself. Hope you take this into your own hands!

Personally OP I would call time on your relationship with your DH. It’s quite obvious he considers his mother and sister as his family. You and your daughter are not important to him. I would spend your BD going to see a solicitor and finding out about separation, also making sure you’re putting money away he doesn’t know about. Sorry to be blunt but he’s not going to change is he?