How to feel ok with not celebrating my birthday

[Oganesson118]

I'll start by saying we never do anything especially special for my birthday but this year being one ending in a 0 I foolishly decided we should use it as an excuse to do that. I don't like parties and my friends are too scattered around for that to be an option so I thought maybe we could go away and do something fun.

DH told us we couldn't do my initial plans because he was going on holiday for a fortnight with his family not long before it and didn't want to take more A/L so soon. I said we could so something different just over the weekend. Essentially though all he's cared about is his holiday, we could never discuss anything else but now he's back and half heartedly looked into it but it's over the BH weekend so everything is booked up.

I'm so disappointed that he doesn't seem to care that I've decided not to care either and not do anything for my birthday at all. No cards, no cakes, no presents. But I can't help feeling sad about that even though I don't want to feel that way. I'm dreading everyone asking "Oh what did you do for your birthday? Oh but WHY NOT?" when I say nothing. I don't know how to make myself not care.

Probably going to get roasted and called all sorts but do your worst. No one in real life cares so why would you.

I get you OP. I have had similar experiences around birthdays and have had the same emotional reaction. But I recognise that is the child in me reacting. The fact is that it matters to you, and you are in danger of making it worse for yourself. If your DH is like mine, he will take what you say literally and if you say "I just want to ignore the day now" he will do just that, not recognise it as a plea for the exact opposite! It sounds like he needs clear instructions- it's too late to book a place away now, but I'd like to go out for the day with a slap-up lunch".
Alternatively talk to him and agree whether you're doing something together of whether you should make your own plans.

This is absolutely the perfect response.

"how can you botch something you did fuck all for?"

I hope you book a half term getaway for you and your DD. Shame he has'nt got any annual leave left. It sounds like you could use a bit of space.

I'm curious to know where you got the idea that asking for what you want/need makes you a spoilt princess, so you should never ever do it, and just wait hopefully to take whatever is thrown your way.

Has he actually used that phrase?

This is a good idea. Invite your DD too and frame as a special girls day out, your three family generations having a nice time together.

You need to stop feeling like you are the one in the wrong. Who cares if he is offended that you go out with your child for your birthday? I tell you why he makes you feel bad about doing it, it's because he doesn't want to look like the bad guy.

This is what I would do. I would have a look what is on at the cinema, go to a good one where you can order food and drinks to your seat, maybe book a pottery painting session so you have something else to look forward to when you collect your masterpiece. Is there anywhere you've wanted to eat at? Book a table and have some delicious food and wine and take a book. Your husband can look after your child, or if the places I've mentioned allow children you could take yours along if you prefer, though you wouldn't be able to read much with them there.

Or, have a look for a little cottage somewhere for a long weekend. My friends and I were due to go camping one year but the forecast was predicted to be dire. We managed to find a lovely little cottage last minute and still get away. It is possible to find somewhere if you are open to where to stay.

Whatever you chose, please try to do something that you would enjoy. If people ask you can say I did x, or y or z and it was lovely. No need to say if he was there, they will assume he was and you don't need to elaborate.

There are some good ideas here thank you

I could do that. I saw my mum today and sort of half mentioned but without really going into detail. If/when I choose something to do that she will also like I can invite her along if she doesn't already have plans for the bank holiday.

Not sure he's called me a spoilt princess (that may be a MN thing but perhaps people have asked for more that I have). Re him though, I think spoilt brat has been used and "I didn't think you were so materialistic"

I’m so sad for you, it’s ok to feel sad about this. Have you looked up love languages? It may be worth a read. It’s the idea that we all want to give and receive love in different ways. eg I like to give love in words of affection and presents and I like to receive love with presents, whereas my husband doesn’t like to receive presents, he is totally totally meh about presents. For the first year of our relationship I’d give him loads and he’d give me maybe one present, and it wasn’t until I read about the love languages that I got why he didn’t get that I needed present to feel loved. It may help.

secondly, there should be no judgement about wanting to receive presents to feel loved, that’s part of who you are and doesn’t make you a bad or materialistic person, it’s how you feel loved.

thirdly, this is for context not to make you feel bad…now my husband knows I like presents, even though he isn’t into them, he now buys me them a lot. Eg once a month a random item, eg flowers or a bun from the bakery. He actually had a small stash of spare presents for when I have had a terrible day and will give me one. He gives me a present on his birthday because I love them and he doesn’t. This is what a loving partner does when you articulate your needs clearly…Your husband’s response is really unkind and selfish. Separately from doing something fun you need to have a calm chat together about how much this has hurt you and get him to acknowledge and apologise. If he won’t, I personally would consider walking away.

I think you need to treat yourself to a new life, OP. Is this really how you want to spend the next 40 years of your life?

What message is it sending to your daughter that her dad treats you like this?

It’s not materialistic to want to be appreciated. He doesn’t want to admit to being wrong. I’d tell him I really don’t give a shit what you have to say as you have shown that you obviously don’t give a shit about me. Your lack of effort says it all. Just book some thing for yourself and be cold for a while until he gets the message. I’d ensure he is well aware he fucked up so that it never happens again. Set a precedent of how you want to be treated going forward.

What do you do for his birthday?

I always go with the saying, if you want something done, you have to do it yourself.

Book yourself that spa and massage. Get yourself something nice. Leave the shitty husband with the kids for the day.

You’re human too and you do matter.
I hope you have a wonderful day whatever you decide to do 💜💐

I would be celebrating with a divorce - seriously OP you don’t deserve a roasting at all, it’s a straight up MN LTB. The behaviour by your DH is really shit.

Do you really deserve to be treated with this level of indifference/passive aggression by the one person who is supposed to have your back more than anyone?

Fuck that!

Do what others have suggested! A nice quiet boutique hotel, meal, bottle of wine, show or cinema, sightseeing. Or even visit an old friend and have lunch out. So many options 👍👍💕

Right. If we can't bring you to a mumsnet party for your birthday (my previous post you quoted), you tell him to transfer say £300 (feck it, £500!) To your account and go and do the following:

1. book somewhere nice for you and your daughter to have breakfast
2. book a beauty salon and you and your daughter and go get your hair, nails, make-up what ever done - whatever it takes to make yourself feel glam
3. go book bowling or the cinema for the afternoon with your daughter or go shopping
4. book somewhere nice for dinner, invite your mum and DH if you want him there and tell him the bill for everyone is on him If he objects, tell him you spent x on his big birthday and since he can't be arsed to do it for you, you are taking matters into your own hands as you are fed up being ignored in favour of his wider family. If he won't suck it up, when fathers day rolls round, he gets nothing. No breakfast in bed, no gifts, no days out, nothing other than what your daughter creates at school. When he objects - because these guys always do - you say oh I thought we had stopped celebrating events. Remember you refused to celebrate my birthday and then promptly see a lawyer and get this guy gone. No I'm not suggesting you divorce over a lack of gift but because it is so clear that you are not just at the back of the heap in terms of relationship priorities but 3 lampposts back 4 streets and a bridge behind the back of the heap! Go grab this birthday and make a day of it with your daughter regardless of whether he pays because 1) you are worth it and 2) life is too short to put up with being treated less than you are. Happy birthday in advance from a stranger on the Internet. Big hugs x

That's really sad, I'm sorry there was a big loss in your family but that doesn't mean that you should have to suffer, itl be good for people to get together and have something to celebrate after such a devastating time. Granted it will be hard but being social and having loved ones around is the best medicine. Happy birthday for whenever it is x

Right. Consider this an intervention. This guy sounds like a Covert Narcissist and it’s very clear to us how his behaviour has worn you down over the years. And I think, deep down you know it too - that’s why you’ve shared more and more failures about this guy.

imagine your daughter coming to you

’Mum, my husband hasn’t planned anything for my big birthday. He’s gone away with his family for 2 weeks I’m not included. I’ve had to pay for my own Mother’s Day meal.. I get a last minute Nando’s’ Etc etc - what would your advice be for her?

You have two choices. You leave the bastard and find someone who appreciates you and wants to celebrate you. Or you book you and your daughter into a swanky hotel for the weekend, celebrate your birthday and teach this selfish, self-absorbed, gaslighting narcissist a lesson. Show him you won’t take this kind of treatment anymore.

Hes beaten you down. We can all see it. I’ve been there and I’ve felt as pathetic as you are feeling now. The only way it changed was to stand up for myself. F*ck his feelings and stop minimising what he’s doing to you. He hasn’t cared about yours has he?

Im blunt but it comes from a place of empathy (AuDHD). Don’t let him make you feel anymore worthless than he already has. It’s time to take your life back and have the things you want and need. Do you really want to spend it with him now anyway when he’s made you feel rubbish? Go pamper yourself, get massages and have a lovely meal with your daughter! Make memories with her instead.

There are FREE cookery courses available on toutube.
> So you CAN have a cookery course
eg
youtube then search for delia smith
or .youtube.com/
watch?v=QvI01VlW11k

Aww, lots of hugs OP , and hope you have a wonderful wonderful birthday!
Please plan something nice for yourself, and do it for yourself, go watch your favourite movie/ book a spa day/ get your favourite cake and eat it all by yourself too hurrah......do whatever!
..don't involve DH at all.
Then when his milestone birthday comes up, please book a trip away , by yourself/ with family/ with friends/ with random strangers/ anyone...but please be very busy and very disinterested at that point in time, so you can't do anything for his bday either sadly.
Have a lovely bday OP ♥️🎉🎊

Self, self, self

You probably had a birthday before and you probably had a birthday after
Who will even remember it, what you did?

Do somethin BETTER than big
> become a part of world history - remembered for centuries

Get a Guinness World Record

There is nothing whatsoever materialistic about showing your partner you love them nor about wanting to be loved.

I really hope you arent getting up every day and cooking for this man and doing his washing. I think you might need a birthday practice- can you take yourself out to dinner tonight? Alone, and don’t tell him, nor cook for him, just be out when he gets home. And remember to say I didn’t realise you were so needy if he says anything. If he keeps going follow it up with I’ve always showed my love by looking after you and doing things for you especially on your birthday. I understand you think that’s really materialistic, so I’m rethinking.

I assume he is organising his own Father’s Day this year?

These are good ideas. I don't think we will be able to do the salon idea on the day (bloody bank holidays!) but maybe that can be another day.

Never rely on anyone to give you what you want.
Unfortunately you have to organise your own stuff. Not many people can see past their own wants and needs. Sorry.

So sorry OP.. that is awful.

So basically you asked if he'd planned anything for your milestone birthday (having planned plenty for his birthdays ) and you were called a spoilt brat and accused of being materialistic...
What were you supposed to say.. " I see now that wanting attention on my birthday was materialistic.. I will shut up and hide my head in shame, I'm such a terrible materialistic person... but you... (the person who has done nothing) are showing how pure and noble your intentions are. You really are a superior being."
Those put downs are so aggressively character attacking - when he knows he's in the wrong too.

@Oganesson118

So your Mum may be interested in doing something with you ?
and I guess your daughter will be happy to be included and I think she may be primary school age anyway ?

Do you drive and have your own car ?

and I guess your birthday is the late May Bank Holiday weekend - not the August one.

depending on how much money you can find ?

why don't you go onto airB&B or booking dot com and find a cottage / a barn / an apartment for the 3 of you and have a girlie weekend ?
figure out how far you are able / willing to drive and see what comes up ?

then still depending on how much money you can lay your hands on :) you could find a nail salon or beautician nearby-ish and you could all have your nails done whilst away ? on the Sat even if this gets done before you check in.

Tho ideally I would be leaving on Fri after school / work etc and staying 3 nights...