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Original poster

Party - Child not invited

267 replies

SuperSleepyBaby · 09/05/2025 12:09

My child is very good friends with a girl who lives very close to us. They are both age 9.

This girl spends a lot of time at our house - hours and hours at the weekend- and my daughter and her get on very well and never fight. It is very good for my daughter to have this friend so close by.

the two girls are in the same class in school and play a good bit at school but not always.

my daughter was upset to hear in school that her friend is having a birthday and is inviting about 5 of the 12 girls from the class but not my daughter.

i know that’s just life - and the girl’s parents dont have to invite my daughter- but i feel very offended by this. I have this girl at my house for so many hours every week and happy to watch her if her mum needs to pop out to the shops etc. my daughter also goes to her house but mine is the main house where they play.

its just hard to explain to my daughter as she sees this girl as her best friend and the girl is always calling at the door to play with my daughter.

i can’t imagine doing the same thing in return. I would make an effort to include - but i guess not everyone is the same and maybe i’m too sensitive.

when my daughter asks why is she not invited- its hard to give a good answer as i want to protect her feelings to some extent but also dont want to be running down the friends mother. I just said I understand she feels left out - and all we can do is use it as lesson to how we might treat others.

i feel the friends mum is happy to use my daughter for long periods of playing - but is taking her for granted.

OP posts:
Arancia · 09/05/2025 15:32

MumWifeOther · 09/05/2025 15:29

Text / call the mum and ask if there’s an issue you’re unaware of?

I wouldn't do this, it's just another way of begging for an invitation - it's already bad enough to be overlooked on purpose, she doesn't need to also beg. Clearly, the parents and the girl do not want OP's child at the party - the best thing to do is accept it, and stop providing free childcare for this girl from now on. Every time she knocks on your door, just tell her your daughter is busy and can't play.

Katiesaidthat · 09/05/2025 15:38

Are the other invitees part of her school group? I had school friends and block friends and I didn´t mix them.

RawBloomers · 09/05/2025 15:38

SuperSleepyBaby · 09/05/2025 13:20

When the girl knocks on the door my daughter answers and rushes out delighted to play. Its not realistic for me to stand there and say no for them playing if we dont actually have other plans

Standing there and saying no would be awkward and probably not a great way o handle things. But you can suggest to your DD she should be pulling back from the friendship, that she can say no when the girl comes around. Maybe practice some lines she can use, or tell her you’re happy to step in and say “NO, X, not today, it’s not convenient. Sorry.” If she gives you a secret signal. And start making more plans to help her broaden her friendship group. It’s been convenient for you to have this girls who comes round a lot, but it sounds like it probably hasn’t been great for your DD for a while.

The fact this girls doesn’t play with her much at school is something you should already have been talking to your DD about. When it comes down to it, this is a big red flag screaming that she has other friendships she prefers to your DD and you should have been encouraging your DD to spend less time with her and more time with children who value her as much as she values them.

9 is easily old enough to start talking explicitly about what this other child is doing and the need to look for friendship from people who are kind to you, not ones who use you. This is a life skill that your DD needs to develop.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

9 year olds Families
nam3c4ang3 · 09/05/2025 15:39

sorry OP - but i would reduce the time my child spends with this girl - they are using you and your daughter...

Inyournewdress · 09/05/2025 15:46

It is a very small group going to the party. It’s hard to know if there is some reason they would not want to invite your daughter to any party, or…much more likely in my opinion…your daughter would be asked to a larger party but didn’t make top five choices.

Clearly though you are the convenient nearby childcare, but not respected enough for that or you would have been asked.

I suspect the daughter likes your dd well enough, but just not in her closest group. The mother I think is a user, she knows how rude this looks no doubt.

To protect your daughter from more disappointment I would step back the playtime a bit. Can you come up with a reason why if they do play it will have to be at the others house…even just say to the mum ‘oh if so and so wants to play in the next weeks it will have to be at yours because of whatever made up reason’, I expect she will take the hint and not see as much of her. Just make it less convenient , so they have to put themselves out a bit more to see your dd.

LoveMySushi · 09/05/2025 15:51

Have you asked the mother? Im just wondering because this happened to us, but we threw the party. I told DD how many spots we have and she made a list and she forgot to invite one of her best friends. I didnt realise either until a few days before the party and we felt so bad about it. I called her and apologised and told her she can come if she wants, but they were already doing something else this short notice. She did tell me her girl was pretty crushed when she didnt get invited, but its been forgotten since. She still invited my girl to her party and she has been to our most recent party and they still have playdates all the time.
Im really glad the friendship didnt break down because of it. It was really not done maliciously.

Blondeshavemorefun · 09/05/2025 16:08

MoistVonL · 09/05/2025 15:18

you are not allowing your daughter to be the ‘default entertainment’ when nobody else is available

Don't do that, you'll look like a nutter.

Children who have a large range of friends often compartmentalise. They are frequently uncomfortable mixing their groups - school friends, family friends, Brownies friends, swimming club friends etc.

If they are having a small party it is perfectly normal for them to choose friends from one group and not a mix. @SuperSleepyBaby , you said this girl doesn't play with your daughter much at school. She is in a different friendship group.

The girl and her mother have done nothing wrong. Your daughter may be a good afterschool friend but she isn't one of the child's very closest friends. That's OK, it's allowed.

Your daughter has done nothing wrong either. She probably could do with a broader range of friends so she isn't reliant on this little girl so much, but that's OK too.

Try not to take it to heart. It's hard when we see our children's feelings get hurt.

This is what I meant but you worded it better

unbelieveable22 · 09/05/2025 16:08

@Blondeshavemorefun does your daughter spend a substantial amount of time at her friend's house?
Do you take advantage of your neighbour and use her as an alternative child minding service?

The neighbour in this incident clearly uses @SuperSleepyBaby and her family and exploits her daughters willingness to play with hers to her advantage. If there were problems with numbers then she should have been upfront, respectful and decent and contacted @SuperSleepyBaby to explain the difficulty she was having. That would have been the adult way to behave. She could have had a conversation with her daughter and explained that given the time she spends with her friend makes it especially difficult to leave her out. Instead she has ignored SSB & her daughter and left her own child to answer questions, something she is clearly finding difficult.
SSB needs to advocate for and support her daughter. Doing nothing should not be an option. She can ask outright or withdraw slowly from the friendship. She has had some good advice on here. To do nothing is not fair on her daughter who will no doubt have to listen to all about the wonderful party she was excluded from.

treesandsun · 09/05/2025 16:09

Seventree · 09/05/2025 12:20

That's really rude. I wouldn't provide anymore childcare and if the mum asks why, tell her your daughter was upset at being left out so you're encouraging her to widen her social network.

I agree with this - it is nt the child's fault but I would agree saying to the mother she was very upset not to be invited when they had previously spent so much time together and we realise no one is owed an invitation but it made us see she needed to widen her circle more. That was blaming the venue or anything else is covered.

Years and years ago when I was a kid - I used t play with a girl On my road all the time. She had a birthday party and I wasn't invited it was all friends from her school ,we went to different primary schools. I was gutted I could see them arriving with birthday presents and see them through the living room window when I when I was I r iding my bike. I never bothered playing with her again after that though. I had other friends who live nearby but she didn't so her mother shot herself in the foot and I wasn't particularly forgiving even as a child!

JojoM1981 · 09/05/2025 16:14

wetpebbles · 09/05/2025 13:54

I had separate home friends and school friends and never mixed them up.
Perhaps you could suggest to the girls having a small tea party with cake so your daughter felt a bit included? Mention it to the mum and see what her reaction is.

Oh god no,don't do that 😲

Goody2ShoesAndTheFilthyBeast · 09/05/2025 16:19

SuperSleepyBaby · 09/05/2025 13:37

I feel a bit trapped as we live so close - i can’t avoid them playing with each other so much as they both want to and its really hard to avoid it- although i feel like we are being used!

That's because you are.

You should start saying no to favours and don't keep the child for several hours. Send her home after an hour.

Tell your daughter not to agree with you about it when it comes time to send the girl home.

Scentedjasmin · 09/05/2025 16:19

I would invite another girl round to play instead. Then when the girl knocks on the door, you can kindly explain that she already has a play mate over but that sge can come back another time.

Snowdrop4 · 09/05/2025 16:25

They don't care things are awkward,they knew what they were doing not inviting your daughter.
That would be the end of playdates at my house if that happened to us .
Unless having the girl over ,occupies your daughter,so she's not bothering you op .
In which case you are both using each other
We never had children in to play when mine were small or even older
Just didn't do ,
We tried a couple of times but the child made such a huge mess it took me days to sift the toys out backing to the correct boxes

ButteredRadishes · 09/05/2025 16:33

Snowdrop4 · 09/05/2025 16:25

They don't care things are awkward,they knew what they were doing not inviting your daughter.
That would be the end of playdates at my house if that happened to us .
Unless having the girl over ,occupies your daughter,so she's not bothering you op .
In which case you are both using each other
We never had children in to play when mine were small or even older
Just didn't do ,
We tried a couple of times but the child made such a huge mess it took me days to sift the toys out backing to the correct boxes

How many toys did your kids have?? Confused

Blondeshavemorefun · 09/05/2025 16:38

unbelieveable22 · 09/05/2025 16:08

@Blondeshavemorefun does your daughter spend a substantial amount of time at her friend's house?
Do you take advantage of your neighbour and use her as an alternative child minding service?

The neighbour in this incident clearly uses @SuperSleepyBaby and her family and exploits her daughters willingness to play with hers to her advantage. If there were problems with numbers then she should have been upfront, respectful and decent and contacted @SuperSleepyBaby to explain the difficulty she was having. That would have been the adult way to behave. She could have had a conversation with her daughter and explained that given the time she spends with her friend makes it especially difficult to leave her out. Instead she has ignored SSB & her daughter and left her own child to answer questions, something she is clearly finding difficult.
SSB needs to advocate for and support her daughter. Doing nothing should not be an option. She can ask outright or withdraw slowly from the friendship. She has had some good advice on here. To do nothing is not fair on her daughter who will no doubt have to listen to all about the wonderful party she was excluded from.

She has play dates there. But equally the girl comes to us as well

for us it was a number thing. Nothing personal

The fact op says it’s 5 friends means 6 people activity

In op case I think the friend has more friends then op dd does

Snowdrop4 · 09/05/2025 16:39

ButteredRadishes · 09/05/2025 16:33

How many toys did your kids have?? Confused

Show quote history

The usual,but all in individual boxes ,cars in one box ,dolls in another , kitchen stuff in another.
4 kids with birthdays and Christmas presents in a playroom.
Plus I'm not great at getting rid of stuff either

Bournetilly · 09/05/2025 16:44

Are the girl and the 5 girls she has invited a group who always play together at school? It’s possible she was only allowed 5 due to limited numbers and wanted to invite the group she plays with at school. If there’s a group of 6 of them it would be awkward leaving 1 out.

It’s sad for your DD though and I would be upset. I think it’s fine to ask the girls mum why she’s not invited.

You don’t need to have the girl round at your house all the time though.

ButteredRadishes · 09/05/2025 16:54

Snowdrop4 · 09/05/2025 16:39

The usual,but all in individual boxes ,cars in one box ,dolls in another , kitchen stuff in another.
4 kids with birthdays and Christmas presents in a playroom.
Plus I'm not great at getting rid of stuff either

Show quote history

I would have left them Jumbled up tbh...

KilkennyCats · 09/05/2025 17:01

Snowdrop4 · 09/05/2025 16:39

The usual,but all in individual boxes ,cars in one box ,dolls in another , kitchen stuff in another.
4 kids with birthdays and Christmas presents in a playroom.
Plus I'm not great at getting rid of stuff either

Show quote history

Was it more important to you that the toys stayed tidy, than the toys were actually played with, then?
That’s quite extraordinary.

Theroadt · 09/05/2025 17:13

SuperSleepyBaby · 09/05/2025 12:09

My child is very good friends with a girl who lives very close to us. They are both age 9.

This girl spends a lot of time at our house - hours and hours at the weekend- and my daughter and her get on very well and never fight. It is very good for my daughter to have this friend so close by.

the two girls are in the same class in school and play a good bit at school but not always.

my daughter was upset to hear in school that her friend is having a birthday and is inviting about 5 of the 12 girls from the class but not my daughter.

i know that’s just life - and the girl’s parents dont have to invite my daughter- but i feel very offended by this. I have this girl at my house for so many hours every week and happy to watch her if her mum needs to pop out to the shops etc. my daughter also goes to her house but mine is the main house where they play.

its just hard to explain to my daughter as she sees this girl as her best friend and the girl is always calling at the door to play with my daughter.

i can’t imagine doing the same thing in return. I would make an effort to include - but i guess not everyone is the same and maybe i’m too sensitive.

when my daughter asks why is she not invited- its hard to give a good answer as i want to protect her feelings to some extent but also dont want to be running down the friends mother. I just said I understand she feels left out - and all we can do is use it as lesson to how we might treat others.

i feel the friends mum is happy to use my daughter for long periods of playing - but is taking her for granted.

Say to your daughter the other girl and mum think she needs to branch out friendships and if your daughter were invited she would stick with just your daughter. But it isn’t nice to exclude when you host so much and you and your daughter need to pull back (friendly, but vague) so as not to be used as doormats/free entertainment.

IMustDoMoreExercise · 09/05/2025 17:17

SuperSleepyBaby · 09/05/2025 13:37

I feel a bit trapped as we live so close - i can’t avoid them playing with each other so much as they both want to and its really hard to avoid it- although i feel like we are being used!

The most important thing is that the girls get on well and your daughter benefits from the friendship.

The party doesn't matter unless your daughter doesn't want to play with her anymore because of it.

My mother took offence at something similar when I was a child and I lost my friend. I never forgave her.

Olivess · 09/05/2025 17:31

We have had a similar situation recently. DD’s birthday this year was a few weeks after my dad died so she didn’t have a big party - DH took DD and one close friend to a theme park for the day. We have often had the same friend at ours as a favour to the parents - after school if the mum is working, for sleepovers when parents were out for the evening. Anyway, DD came home from school last week to say this girl is having a party - invited most of the girls from the class but not DD. I’m usually very relaxed about these things but it’s really annoyed me - and DD is understandably upset. It’s horrible when your child is excluded from things.

Mumtobabyhavoc · 09/05/2025 18:34

Some of the advice on messages to send are a bit much and guarantee being labeled as the crazy mum with repercussions for your child. The only way to query is a short and simple message:

Molly is upset that she wasn't invited to Jane's party. Did the girls have a falling out?

Either an invite with an apology for the oversight will follow, or an excuse. You'll know to steer your child away if it's an excuse. Never enter into an argument over it. Just a "thanks for the explanation" message is all that's needed.

67676767ttt · 10/05/2025 14:14

Olivess · 09/05/2025 17:31

We have had a similar situation recently. DD’s birthday this year was a few weeks after my dad died so she didn’t have a big party - DH took DD and one close friend to a theme park for the day. We have often had the same friend at ours as a favour to the parents - after school if the mum is working, for sleepovers when parents were out for the evening. Anyway, DD came home from school last week to say this girl is having a party - invited most of the girls from the class but not DD. I’m usually very relaxed about these things but it’s really annoyed me - and DD is understandably upset. It’s horrible when your child is excluded from things.

Edited

Wow, that is seriously rude of the other parents!!

Will you do/say anything?

Grammarninja · 10/05/2025 14:22

Normally, I'd roll my eyes at parents being upset about party invites, but this is different. It's exceptionally rude. It would be one thing if your dd wasn't in her class but she is! That child and her parents needs to learn that you can't treat people like this. Completely pull away - this is not a friendship you want to encourage; there's no respect, decency or kindness involved.