Party - Child not invited

[SuperSleepyBaby]

My child is very good friends with a girl who lives very close to us. They are both age 9.

This girl spends a lot of time at our house - hours and hours at the weekend- and my daughter and her get on very well and never fight. It is very good for my daughter to have this friend so close by.

the two girls are in the same class in school and play a good bit at school but not always.

my daughter was upset to hear in school that her friend is having a birthday and is inviting about 5 of the 12 girls from the class but not my daughter.

i know that’s just life - and the girl’s parents dont have to invite my daughter- but i feel very offended by this. I have this girl at my house for so many hours every week and happy to watch her if her mum needs to pop out to the shops etc. my daughter also goes to her house but mine is the main house where they play.

its just hard to explain to my daughter as she sees this girl as her best friend and the girl is always calling at the door to play with my daughter.

i can’t imagine doing the same thing in return. I would make an effort to include - but i guess not everyone is the same and maybe i’m too sensitive.

when my daughter asks why is she not invited- its hard to give a good answer as i want to protect her feelings to some extent but also dont want to be running down the friends mother. I just said I understand she feels left out - and all we can do is use it as lesson to how we might treat others.

i feel the friends mum is happy to use my daughter for long periods of playing - but is taking her for granted.

I would encourage them to play outside. If they do come in I would let the girl stay no more than 30 minutes and then tell her it's time to go home.

It's hurtful of course. It's not just being excluded, that's life, but it's more realising the friend doesn't see your daugher as a real friend.

What I would do with my kids is up their weekend activities, so they have lots of things going on, and I would encourage friendship with other people, sleepovers etc.

Your DD is happy when the little girl comes to see her, just organise it for her to be happy to see other people.

When my kids don't get invited somewhere, they barely notice because they are busy anyway.

I would be offended if my child was treated this way. Definitely pull back on the default child care whilst the mum goes to the shops. If the child comes to your door don’t turn her away but suggest they both go to her house to play as it’s inconvenient for her to stay at yours.

but then you are punishing the daughter.

@SuperSleepyBaby I would feel the same as you.

They're good enough friends when the other Mum enjoys all those hours her DD spends at yours but not good enough to be included at a birthday party?

You're being used.

Of course if only a few of the class girls can go it is perfectly fine to limit invites but there are consequences to that and I would make mine that next time the girl comes over to play, she has to leave within the hour. No more free childcare for hours at yours.

Or send them both out to the other girls house.

Maybe a short break from playing together would also teach your DD to have boundaries and when she is met with relationships where she is not treated as kindly, she learns to step back and re-thinks if the relationship is worth the way she has felt as a result of the unkindness. Be it from a close friend not including her in a birthday or a later on in life a boyfriend pushing her to something she isn't sure she wants.

It’s a cruel world out there and currently the mum is using both you and your DD when it suits. But otherwise they are not interested and unfortunately neither want your DD as a friend for much longer unless they are out of other options.

Personally, I would try to avoid saying very much to your daughter as she may well pick up on it and it will make the situation worse. But I would try and be a lot less available and convenient for them both going forwards. Also encourage other friendships both in school and from activities.

Usually around here between age 9 and 12 was awful for my DD. Girls really change and start forming friends with who they think will do them most good in the popularity stakes once they hit Secondary school in our experience it turned brutal. Lovely girls we had, previously had round to ours for meals, long play dates had paid for nice days out etc suddenly turned and didn’t want to know DD and they made this known as cruelly and viscously as possible. Better buckle up OP and it may or may not be the mum excluding your DD but the girl could be equally onboard with this.

Ahh I hate stuff like this.

I remember when I was 9 my best friend at the time invited me over to help plan her birthday party, and then didn't invite me. She got in trouble I think when it was discovered what she had done, and she invited me, but my mum took me out for the day instead and told me she was a silly girl and not to take any notice, we would have a nicer day anyway.

I think that's the way to play it really - oh well, we will have a better time doing something else.

We had the exact same situation! I didn’t say anything and DS did question his friend who just said it was down to his mum. It was awkward for me as I felt the mum had become a friend too. Anyway, nothing was ever said and naturally we did step back but it was gradual and now we don’t speak at all (they moved). I had forgotten about it till this thread and I dare say so have the kids who are now late teens! I absolutely echo what others have said and it shows how not to treat a friend.

Good point, but I don´t think the OP should provide babysitting either.

So I would echo other posters who say to send them outside or to the other girl's house. Also take the daughter out to do something fun on the day of the party itself.

Yes, i dont want my daughter to ever be a doormat and to have good self esteem

Unfortunately, you’re both being treated as a doormat.

This girl spends a lot of time at our house - hours and hours at the weekend

Start making plans to go out every weekend so you can’t provide free childcare for a woman and girl who clearly see you and your daughter as convenient, but not close friends. Tell them you’re busy when they ask you for favours. They can play outside or at the other girl’s house.

I had this EXACT same situation with my son and our neighbour's child, when they were around 9 and 10. Only difference being he went to a different school so they didn't share school friends.

This boy would be on my doorstep as our car pulled up in the driveway after school, itching to get in and play. They did go to his house too but because he had an annoying little sister who always wanted to join in, they preferred to be in my house to get some space from her. If ever my son had a school friend home for tea the other child would still arrive and always be included.

I fed that child his tea probably three nights a week for 3 years. I had him for entire days in the school holidays and numerous sleepovers. To say I was furious is an understatement. Not for myself, I couldn't give a stuff, but to see my son so hurt and confused and not be able to explain the logic to him was so hard. Especially as it was a summer party at home. I think I ended up taking him out for the day so he wouldn't have to see them all in the garden.

I know he would never have done this to the other boy, and if he'd tried, I'd have told him no, it's unkind under the circumstances.

His parents were friends of ours but I massively cooled the relationship off after that. I never confronted them about it but they definitely knew they had pissed me off. I've thought a lot about why this happened and I can only imagine that as my son was a little bit older and a bit more charismatic compared to this other child, he felt he didn't want to be in my son's shadow in front of his own friends. Which is ridiculous, because of course he wouldn't have been. My son was the only one who didn't know any of the others so he would have been at the disadvantage. But some people are just so funny with things like that. They guard their friendships jealously and like to play divide and conquer, basically because they are insecure.

This sounds similar to us

sorry if it’s us - but was down to places and numbers - not that we didn’t like your daughter

dd Had her party and was 6 places as a pamper party so lady only had 6 of stuff so meant dd and 5 others

there is a girl who lives near us. We play sometimes at weekends but not all the time - they play at school etx BUT my dd also has several other friends she plays with and she chose a diff 5th to come

we have maybe 13/14g in the class so choosing 5 that dd wanted was slightly harder but was her choice as she’s now at that age she can choose

obv when younger we did whole class parties b&g so 30+ kids - then as for older did a gym party and invited all girls

following year a smaller number etx etx

as another poster said - sounds like the party girl is more popular than your dd

she plays with lots of people - like my dd does

going forward I will try and expand your dd group of friends. Yes play with their other girl as sounds they are friends but maybe more out of school friends

does your dd @SuperSleepyBaby go to play at other school friends houses or have other school friends round for tea ?

does she go to this girls house much or more she comes to yours ?

but in a nutshell if situation is similar to ours it was down to numbers and dd choose who she wanted to come

I know this is not the right thing to do but I would have to say something to the Mum. Face to face as well not in a text.

She may have a valid reason and surely it is better for everyone to know where they stand

@SuperSleepyBaby Yes, the Mum is using you BUT it sounds as if her daughter is a different kettle of fish and a true friend to your DD.

In a few years, they’ll be of the age where parents can’t dictate who gets invited so unless it’s inconveniencing you, I’d allow her to continue coming over.

My DD (20) is going on a trip this summer with a friend she’s known since they were 10. Childhood friendships can be very healthy for people, it’s great having a friend who’s known you forever, iyswim.

I think regardless of a party if this girl is at yours ‘every’ weekend ‘and’ you babysit on demand that’s an awful lot of reliance on one person. I know how things can just happen over time but now that you’re noticing it, it’s time to work towards a better balance. If you can afford it, sign her up for a few activities so she meets more people, invite some of her other friends round, maybe find rainbows or whatever it’s called at her age in your area. It’s honestly much better to not rely on one person - all the friend drama is just beginning regardless of whatever happened here.

my daughter had one best friend for ages and I didn’t recognise the problem. When it all fell
apart it was a mess for everyone.

It is unfortunate that your daughter considers the party girl to be one of her best friends but the party girl has 5 friends she considers to be better friends. There is an issue with the venue possibly in that whatever activity they are doing may be done in groups of 6 or the parents can only transport 6 kids to the venue ie. 3 in each car.

The party girl's mother considers your daughter to be in neighbour's kid category and therefore playing round someone's house rather than a best friend. If you feel she is using you for childcare then from now on it's a no unless you want the child rhereto play with your DD.

Maybe it’s time to broaden dd circle with new activities, Guides, St John Ambulance or something so she can make new friends and shift her attachment. Make sure you’re doing something really fun on the day of the party ! I wouldn’t say anything about not having an invite.

I agree with this. I would also be upset if I were you. But somehow we have to teach our kids to have boundaries and not to be taken advantage of, while also not taking offence at every slight and overreacting to their own detriment.

These suggestions seem to balance those things quite well. The girls are 9 years old, there’s going to be lots of friends and friendship issues ahead to deal with. Help your daughter be prepared to navigate them in a measured way.

I’d be speaking to the mum and saying that your daughter is a bit upset at not being invited and tell her that in future not to allow her daughter to knock at yours unless it’s a pre arranged play date through you as you are not allowing your daughter to be the ‘default entertainment’ when nobody else is available ‘ . Simple . If you don’t want to do it face to face text her .

Girls can be really mean - and get meaner as they get older. Friendships can be dropped and picked up brutally but they can also move on way before we can- I held grudges against particular girls who had been mean to my DD for years when she had moved on. But I think in these circumstances as your DD is hurt and upset it is quite appropriate to text the other mum along the lines of ‘I understand X is having a party and DD isn’t invited. Of course who gets invited is entirely up to you and X but DD is quite upset. I’m sure you will understand that for the moment it would be better if X did not to pop round to play.’ And if she asks for childcare just say no. My DD didn’t value herself enough and it led to so much distress when girls were mean - they were emboldened by her bending over backwards to appease them and just got worse so in the end I refused play dates either way until things were on a more even keel.

For the sake of your daughter you need to find some courage.
I would never normally get involved in party politics but something here ins't right.
I would say to the mother 'oh I hope DC has a lovely party. What a shame DD didn't make the cut'.
The girls are old enough that they choose who comes to their party, not the mums, and it sounds like DD is a good friend and is very invested in the friendship - so she deserves to know what has gone wrong.

you are not allowing your daughter to be the ‘default entertainment’ when nobody else is available

Don't do that, you'll look like a nutter.

Children who have a large range of friends often compartmentalise. They are frequently uncomfortable mixing their groups - school friends, family friends, Brownies friends, swimming club friends etc.

If they are having a small party it is perfectly normal for them to choose friends from one group and not a mix. @SuperSleepyBaby , you said this girl doesn't play with your daughter much at school. She is in a different friendship group.

The girl and her mother have done nothing wrong. Your daughter may be a good afterschool friend but she isn't one of the child's very closest friends. That's OK, it's allowed.

Your daughter has done nothing wrong either. She probably could do with a broader range of friends so she isn't reliant on this little girl so much, but that's OK too.

Try not to take it to heart. It's hard when we see our children's feelings get hurt.

Text / call the mum and ask if there’s an issue you’re unaware of?

You are absolutely not disadvantaging your daughter if you step back from this girl and her family - quite the contrary. There are a million of other little girls for your daughter to play with, first of all - I would definitely help her cultivate other friendships.

Secondly, these kind of unfair situations are a perfect opportunity to teach your daughter some valuable life lessons and tools that will help her navigate through people and friendship throughout her life. Please use this chance to talk to her about the difference between true friends and "friends" who come and go into your life. Talk to her about how some people are givers and others are takers, and how to to protect herself from being taken advantage of. Talk to her about how it's okay to step away from people when they show you they do not add positive value to your life. I guarantee you that if you talk to her about these things, she's going to have an easier time relying on herself, and weeding out terrible friends.

I think we all know that mum who dropped her kids off with us and made use of our time whilst they went shopping or off with DH or other children etc, but a) never reciprocated the favour or b) turned out actually not to regard us as friend material really, but quite good unpaid nannies for their DCs. Now you know this is the case I think the right course is to be suddenly really busy when this child wants to play and downsize your involvement. Certainly never be available at short notice- it clearly will not be reciprocated.