Party - Child not invited

[SuperSleepyBaby]

My child is very good friends with a girl who lives very close to us. They are both age 9.

This girl spends a lot of time at our house - hours and hours at the weekend- and my daughter and her get on very well and never fight. It is very good for my daughter to have this friend so close by.

the two girls are in the same class in school and play a good bit at school but not always.

my daughter was upset to hear in school that her friend is having a birthday and is inviting about 5 of the 12 girls from the class but not my daughter.

i know that’s just life - and the girl’s parents dont have to invite my daughter- but i feel very offended by this. I have this girl at my house for so many hours every week and happy to watch her if her mum needs to pop out to the shops etc. my daughter also goes to her house but mine is the main house where they play.

its just hard to explain to my daughter as she sees this girl as her best friend and the girl is always calling at the door to play with my daughter.

i can’t imagine doing the same thing in return. I would make an effort to include - but i guess not everyone is the same and maybe i’m too sensitive.

when my daughter asks why is she not invited- its hard to give a good answer as i want to protect her feelings to some extent but also dont want to be running down the friends mother. I just said I understand she feels left out - and all we can do is use it as lesson to how we might treat others.

i feel the friends mum is happy to use my daughter for long periods of playing - but is taking her for granted.

You're more than welcome, glad I could help.

I can understand the hurt you feel but I take a different perspective. It doesn’t feel like your daughter has been excluded, rather just not included.

You say they don’t play together a lot at school. So surely they're just location friends as they live near each other. Nothing wrong with that. But your daughter isn’t in her top 5 - maybe she’s 6 or 7 or whatever. Maybe your daughter isn’t friends with the others and the girl thinks it wouldn’t gel. Could be any number of reasons but I don’t understand how you think they're using you? Your kids just play together

Totally understand why this is hurtful.

I would definitely work on broadening your daughter’s horizons with other friends and activities, so she isn’t so dependent on the one friend. Invite other friends for play dates, be out of the house doing things, encourage other interests.

Be less available for babysitting.

If finances allow, I would definitely plan in a fun activity for DD at the time of friend’s birthday ( but obviously not in the same place!)

I understand how hurtful this can seem, especially if you feel you're doing the parents a favour to have this girl over so much.
As PP have mentioned, sometimes friendships are just not seen in the same way from each side and that's hard. Maybe this would be a good time to talk to your daughter about friends being for a reason, a season or for life and how to recognise and accept them for what they are as well as helping her identify true users.
In this case, the girl is a friend for a reason. That reason being proximity. She clearly enjoys playing with your daughter but it doesn't necessarily go any deeper than that. If your daughter can acknowledge that and take enjoyment from the time they play together she still benefits without being so let down. Otherwise, she may decide that's not what she wants in a friendship and she can choose to back away herself.
Of course it may just be that while she genuinely likes your daughter, there were others who for whatever reason were more important or that she felt she had to invite.

I would be hurt too.
If the child is nice and she and your daughter rub along nicely I wouldn't derail the friendship however I absolutely would not be looking after her. I would encourage as much outdoor play as possible and say no to coming inside.
Glad to see the daughter hasn't her mothers bad manners.

I wouldnt be embarrassing myself sending texts - the parents know they've not invited her and the potential impact/fall out.
I'd be stepping back gradually, send child home sooner or limiting entry in general. Invite other friends round.
Decisions like this have consequences unfortunately I'd not allow to be taken for a ride by a family that don't value that friendship.

Your solution to op’s Dd not being invited to this girl’s party is to actually throw the girl a second party?
That’s quite a novel solution 🤔

There was a little boy who practically lived at our house. Many meals provided. His mum wouldn't let another child over her threshold, the little boy never had parties. Was nothing to do with finances but being houseproud. Think white carpets.

We just shrugged it off.

I think I would quite bluntly tell the girl next time she shows up that your daughter is upset she’s not invited to the party so perhaps they need a bit of space from each other. She probably just sees her as more of a home friend than a school friend.

The girl's mother is being a total CF, your daughter should have made the cut due to all the time her DD spends at yours and the fact that of course she would hear about the party and be hurt. I honestly wouldn't tolerate this at all, would step right back, even if it's a total pain as she lives so near, just be unavailable. I have overruled my DC's invitation plans in the past if I felt someone ought to be invited for a variety of reasons (obvs not some awful bully or anything)

Agree! I’m going to have to mute this thread now. because it’s so frustrating that the OP won’t just send a quick text to stand up for her daughter!

That’s a completely different situation, though?

Totally agree with this ^

Other friends are required in this situation

Party girl does not like your daughter in the same way that your daughter likes party girl

Party girl is happy to play with your daughter when there are no other options

Start providing your daughter with lots of choice, new hobbies, other play dates etc

Standing up for your DD by contacting the mum is great in theory, but I don’t think it will help and it may set relations between your families back. (You might not care). The problem is that I doubt she will give you a useful or honest reply. She has already provided her DD with a phony excuse; why will she be different?

Your DD definitely needs a wider circle of friends and the best time to cultivate them, pursuing a sport or hobby or taking lessons away from home, is when this girl would typically be coming round. She could even invite another girl over sometime and turn this one away. Ie, help DD live her best life and make this girl naturally a smaller part of it.
I think the other family will get the message.

Rise above it.

Make it a policy that one of your family values is to not get involved in children's birthday parties. It will save so many Mumsnet pixels.

Children are very fickly. A falling out on a critical day might mean no birthday invitation. This is why you should never get involved, then you can't get offended.

Well you are being used OP. You're being taken for granted because her kid is out of her hair for hours.

I'd stop the playing in the house for hours. You're not childcare. No more looking after child when mother goes to the shops.

its time to set up other playdates with other kids and send this girl home when she knocks.

You don't have to cut her off, but the message needs to get out that mother can't take you for granted.

Agree to a certain extent.

I think the other mum needs to be called out, but equally the OP should work on cultivating other friendships for her DD and being less available. Can you try and arrange a couple of play dates with other school friends, invite them to yours,

Or arrange day trips then not be home or tell the other girl you’re busy that day if she calls?

This is really horrible, I really feel for your daughter.

You can't explain to her why this happened, as you don't know. I would just acknowledge her feelings about it, say you don't know why it happened. And do something nice for her to show her you care.

As for ongoing friendship with the girl, that is up to your daughter. If she wants to continue the friendship, then facilitate that.

The parents have behaved appallingly here. But don't get sucked into any drama over this. Nothing constructive will come from that. If your daughter and the other girl want to remain friends then let that happen, and be civil to the parents at drop off etc.

That's extremely hurtful.

I would absolutely stop watching the friend so that her mother can do her shopping. It's clear the mother is using you.

Given that your daughter didn't make the cut for this party, I'd stop inviting the friend over so much not out of spite (well, maybe a little) but because it's time for your daughter to invest in new friends. Sure, she can still be casual friends with this girl, but the friendship clearly isn't as close as your daughter thought it was.

I also think that in a class of 12 girls, all of them should have been invited at this age. The mother sounds really rude but at age 9, if the daughter wanted your daughter there, she would have insisted upon it to her mother. I know mine would have.

Sorry, OP. It's so hard and I've been in similar situations where you feel let down. It's awful to see your child so hurt like this. I'd do something special for her on the day of the party, just to distract her from feeling so left out.

I would message the mum along the lines of. I wouldn’t care less about her feelings.

“X is quite upset as she wasn’t invited to Y’s party. I think X viewed the friendship as more as Y spends so much time at our house but I understand that it isn’t mutual. As a result, please can you ask Y to stop coming to knock and to our house for the time being to play for hours every weekend. I don’t want to upset her by turning her away at the door.”

This friendship is not good for your dd at all. She needs new friends op, people that value her.

@SuperSleepyBaby

You say you are not brave enough to speak to the girl's mother, why not ? What do you think is going to happen? Is this family part of your social circle and do you think you be ostracised if you do? Also, does your DD go to hers to play? You don't seem to want to answer that question. It's it's all one sided then you need to stop being a doormat.

I think make a conscious effort to have some play dates with other girls in the class and scale back the ones with this girl. DD needs to broaden her friendships a bit. There are seven girls from this class who weren’t invited to the party, so maybe start with the other six one by one.

May be it is the group dynamic. When my son turned 12, we had a laser tag party (no limit from the venue) so I asked my son to make a list. He did and i noticed he missed out 2 friends who he was very friendly since primary school and asked why. He said that the others in the group did not like these 2 and it changes the group dynamic. He asked me to turn the sheet over and he had written 'Mum, can i have a separate get together with x,y and z. There was another friend from school he was friendly with that didnt get on with the bigger group. From then we always have had 2 get togethers for his birthday.

It's not difficult. It just means that YOU have to make some effort

"I'm so sorry party girl, Ellie is here today having a play date. Maybe another day"

"I'm so sorry party girl, we're just off for a play date. Maybe another time"

"I'm so sorry party girl, we're just going to X hobby. Maybe another time"

"I'm so sorry party girl. We're just off to Y hobby. Maybe another time"

"I'm so sorry party girl. We're just off to meet A at the park. No, you can't come with us today. Maybe another time"

"I'm so sorry party girl. We're having a quiet day doing girly things today. Perhaps you can come over another time"

Its very easy but it takes effort

It will also show your daughter how to have a backbone and not be walked over in life