Overwhelmed and my boyfriend keeps letting himself into my home and finding it in a mess

[2024riot]

I feel so bad because my boyfriend keeps letting himself into my place when I don’t expect him to be there and finding that I have left my flat in a real state
Embarrasingly so
he wasn’t meant to come until Monday
dreading going home as he will be so unpleasant

All of this!!

Peoole who are mean to animals are mean people.

Dump!!

This is awful! You poor thing. No one ever has the right to make you feel this way. Get rid

I’m so sorry you feel this way. My son has ADHD and his place is a tip, but that’s how he lives and I just accept him as he is as he had other wonderful qualities. I think you need to get rid of your boyfriend if you say he’s stopped being nice to you. ADHD people tend to let people take advantage of them and have low self esteem. Please know that a messy place does not make you a bad person. Not being kind however does. Sending you a mother’s hug.

Nothing to add other than a hug! @2024riot

You've made all the right choices. Keeping on top of a place is a nightmare with ADHD, I understand entirely!

I've never been happier than when I had 2 bags to my name with all I needed in them.

Maybe set yourself some ruthless deadlines for each room & invite someone over so you stick to it? My place went to the dogs over covid with no Christmas vistors for 2 years 🤦‍♀️

I've heard good things about accountability mirroring/body-doubling as well. Maybe have a look at flow.club or a 7 day free trial on deepwrk.io over a period you have time to do things & can borrow a kick up the bum from someone else ;)

Coming with sympathy not judgement, I can guarantee my place is worse than yours.

Do ditch the millstone though!

Keep the dog. If your name is on the chip and you've been paying her expenses then you have a strong claim to her.
Change the locks and ditch the boyfriend.
Take a few days off work and start in the area that you use most, either the space around you in the lounge, or your bed. Plan some time to sort the flat and then some reward time, eg a picnic with the dog.
Do you have any friends who could help with the flat? I expect you see it as far worse than they would.
Best of luck to you, it CAN be sorted out.

What bills is he paying to have an opinion on how tidy the place is?

@2024riot get the key returned before you throw this one back. He doesn't live there, if he's so concerned, he can tidy up. People who visit you are not there to be inspectors and make you feel rotten.

There is no kindness towards me from him, I can’t even remember the last time he paid for anything all he does is dig at me about men I have dated in the past even though I have asked him to stop
I just felt relief when I was coming home today without having to pander to him and hope he throws a crumb of kindness my way

@MeandTif I didn’t have visitors for two years I would probably have to move into my shed and thank you for all that I shall look into it

Three hours ? You got off lightly my cat would make his displeasure known for days

I feel small really and so overwhelmed falling behind at work
not sure where I have placed my car and house keys but thankfully have spares
just always so behind in what I am doing

Don't worry about work. Very few of us have a job where there isn't any more work to do. I used to think 'but I should have done more' until I realised that my manager was shit at saying no and didn't want to control the amount of work coming in. Do you have a supportive manager you could talk to?

Do try some of the coping strategies mentioned here. Give them a go for an hour or so and see what works for you. I have a set Worry Time where I allow myself to worry for 15-20 minutes about worries I wrote down throughout the day. I use the Pomodoro technique to get stuff done.

I agree with all who advise you to get your key back and end the relationship.It really seems to me that his abusive treatment of you could lead to physical abuse. Your mentioning that he wasn't nice to his dog is another red flag as to the type of treatment you're setting yourself up for. I've been this with my daughter and her ex boyfriend.

@Agapornisactually I do, they would be mortified if they knew how bad I felt , I think he has got me so stressed that I am being irrational

Even this week someone who is very knowledgeable about ADHD started my work place and was giving advice
it’s a nice supportive place to work
he has me just constantly trying to please him and it’s never enough

@2024riot have you ended your relationship?

Firstly, thank you for making this dog's life amazing! Sounds like it's living its best life with you 😍

Secondly, please get shot of this hideous man. He's adding absolutely nothing to your life - except criticism and negativity.

Finally (and I mean no judgement with this), could you do with having a bit of a Spring clean? It does sound overwhelming, and I honestly understand that.
But, you'll maybe feel a wee bit better if your decks are cleared?
Do it for you, not for him.

Enjoy the rest of your dog days 😍

Op are you neurodivergent? I say that because I struggle with mess and I was diagnosed with ADHD in my late 30s. What strikes me (which is really common with adhd) is that

a) you are blaming yourself - I just need to get on top of this etc., stop the cycle etc. This is all my fault etc.

• I held this belief for decades about myself

b) your massive empathy for his dog

I think you should look into support for your mental health.

When you're vulnerable it's hard to find love with someone decent because sometimes, predatory people can sniff that our and take advantage and you mistakenly think that's all you're worth. But it's not.

So try being more honest with the people you can rely on and honestly if this thread gets you to see he's a controlling git and you get rid you've already done amazing. Keep going.

Do you have friends who you could talk to about becoming overwhelmed with everything ??
If you could talk to someone, maybe they could help you ?
I know that with ADHD you probably really struggle to get started on tasks, let alone stay focussed long enough to keep going. I really do understand how daunting this must be for you, I have a teenager with ADHD and it’s a real massive struggle.
It is well known that vey often, ADHD coexists with other difficulties like anxiety, learning difficulties, dyslexia, ASD (autism spectrum disorder), sleep disorders and many other struggles.
OP I am NOT at all suggesting that is the case with you, but I am just putting it out there for consideration.
There is a lot of support out there for people with ADHD and also any coexisting struggles.
I have found MENCAP an absolutely amazing support.
I really believe that if you call them and tell them everything that’s worrying you, including what’s happening with your boyfriend, they will be able to help you.
If you struggle to find their contact details, please let me know and I will research for you.
Your boyfriend is not good for you, you deserve better than this. Please write a list to include
A) what is good about your relationship with him
B) what is not good about your relationship.
This will help you decide what you should do.
❤️ Best Wishes ❤️

@Iwillcomeouttheotherendthank you for the recommendation I shall look up mencap
time to declutter starting with an absolute prick of a man

Get yourself a tracker for your keys.
I use a Samsung one but there are others, and us the Find My app

I also use the Find My on my watch for my phone

Game changer!!!

Make sure you change the locks so he can’t come in and take the dog while you are out, she sounds as if she has a lovely life with you.

He is not your dad. He does not own you or rule your life. Change the locks and fuck him off.

fuck off- my house not yours. Prick!