Overwhelmed and my boyfriend keeps letting himself into my home and finding it in a mess

[2024riot]

I feel so bad because my boyfriend keeps letting himself into my place when I don’t expect him to be there and finding that I have left my flat in a real state
Embarrasingly so
he wasn’t meant to come until Monday
dreading going home as he will be so unpleasant

If he isn’t kind to his dog I would not like him for a start , anyway you could kick him out and keep the dog he sounds absolutely vile op ! Your home is the place you’re meant to feel safe in not judged x

I think you’re a little too hard on yourself.

If you don’t house share, it’s really no one’s business how messy your house is. I hate clutter etc because it stresses me, but not on other people’s spaces. You should feel comfortable and safe in your own home without being nervous about visitors.

don't take him back. Dont give him the dog.

try ‘dont out it down, put it away.’

Your boyfriend sounds like an absolutely horrible person. What is he adding to your life except stress and judgement?
Dump him, change the locks and keep the dog as it sounds like you make each other happy.
Once his toxic presence is out of your life, you might be better able to deal with your clutter.
Last year I had to deal with 36 years of serious clutter to sell my old house. It was absolutely daunting. I ended up have a time limit to do it in and had to be ruthless.It was exhausting I was clearing and sorting for up to 15 hours a day. In the end I must have dumped about 80% of what was in the house - some to the tip, some to charities and when I was done, I felt so relieved to be rid of it all. I am now ruthless about what I let into my home. I am never going back to all that shit I don't need or even really want. Best of luck OP x

There's a simple solution here OP, and it's a new rule for him when visiting your flat: If he lets himself and finds mess he has two options...

1- Tidy up
2- Shut up/fuck off

If he doesn't like this rule, he can stop letting himself into your flat.

Problem solved!

Thank you I shall use your example as inspiration

Keep the dog and chuck the bloke OP, job done.

You're missing the point

He's mistreating his dog and he's mistreating you

Keep the dog, change the locks and dump him

In some ways the thinking about having to do it is worse than the actually doing it. Believe in yourself. If I could do this you can too. All the very best with everything. You deserve to be happy x

Get your keys back off him, and you will get back your peace of mind. I have adhd too, depending how I'm feeling my house is either like a show house or a trash can but if anyone dare judge me I'd show them the door.

We have just cleared my late Mum’s house and used a doorstep collection charity to take boxes and boxes of stuff - highly recommend finding one (not sure if I am allowed to post link) - they just take things off your hands completely.

Ps I much prefer dogs to idiotic abusive men - you sound a wonderful person to give his dog a chance at a lovely life ❤️

You may deny it but you are actually in an abusive relationship. You MUST end things now, for your own welfare.

I’m glad you posted, and you’re starting to see how badly he has treated you and dog
Dogs are a great judge of character so it’s telling that she is bonded to you.
I think after you’ve binned him, you’ll be less stressed about the state of your home
It’s sad that you dread going home.
Home should be your sanctuary from life stresses
You have your cheerleader who loves you as you are
Bin him and change your lock and your life
You deserve to be happy

Are you selling your flat to move in with him?
If so don't!
Dump him, and keep the dog.

Change your locks and dump the nasty bastard.

Glad you have space from that man. Hope you enjoyed your time in park with your dog.

In terms of decluttering for people with ADHD I cannot recommend Dana K White ( A slob comes clean) highly enough. She really gets it and her method is such that you don’t make it worse before it gets better.

If you’re like me you have a burst of energy, pull everything out, start making piles, then get distracted and leave it worse than ever.
Her method is the complete opposite. It’s designed so you can stop at any point (even after a few minutes) and have made an improvement. I recommend her book “Decluttering at the speed of life”. (I have the audio version so I can listen as I declutter).

And she has loads of “one hour better” videos on YouTube where you can see her method in action.

Sorry to sound like a fan girl but this worked for me in a way other methods didn’t.

Are you seriously suggesting giving the dog back to this vile man?

@Shortpoetamazing I have downloaded that to listen to
that all sounds exactly what I need

The dog will stay with me she loves me with all her dog heart and I love her
she has a nice life , we have long adventures at the weekend , I always make sure we have at least one new walk somewhere every week , and when he isn’t here we sleep together
maybe that is why he has started to be unkind to me as I prefer the dog

That sounds so lovely. Yes that dog is one lucky dude, to have you in her life. 🐾❤️

I second the recommendation for a Slob Comes Clean.

Also, am getting into the idea of Swedish Death Cleaning - getting rid of stuff slowly but surely - the less I have the easier it is to keep my home clear and that makes me happier and calmer.

And yes, ditch him and keep the dog.

I love how much more fondly you talk of the dog than your ex boyfriend!

it’s funny how society makes women think they will be happy and complete if they have a man, yet here you are, clearly going to be infinitely happier with a dog and no man.

I'm infinitely happier sleeping with my cats than any human - stick to the dog.

Though my cats' love is a bit more conditional and one will give me a hard time for about 3 hours when I've been on holiday 😁

Absolutely this - it’s heartwarming and the sound like a lovely caring person who deserves the same in return!

Change the locks.

move, take the dog.

go no contact and when you are ready some counselling.

good luck op you sound lovely