Overwhelmed and my boyfriend keeps letting himself into my home and finding it in a mess

[2024riot]

I feel so bad because my boyfriend keeps letting himself into my place when I don’t expect him to be there and finding that I have left my flat in a real state
Embarrasingly so
he wasn’t meant to come until Monday
dreading going home as he will be so unpleasant

Ohhhh ❤️
I’m L❤️VING the sound of that fighting talk 👍👍
You CAN DO THIS !!!!!!
Me thinks you are a strong lady when you need to be !!!!!
Make that change now!
Keep us all posted.
We are all routing for you.
This is the 1st step to a happier 2024riot ❤️

You said he’s not very nice to his dog well he’s not very nice to you neither. I’d change the locks and keep the dog!
Your feeling stressed because your bf is shaming you even though it’s not his home, he sounds awful

Keep the dog and report him for animal cruelty . Change the locks and fuck him off.

Get a tracker for your keys AirTags for iPhone or a tile for android

If you organise nothing else. have a place where you ALWAYS put your keys (and phone)

He's not kind to his dog?? So he already treats you like shit and abuses and neglects a defenceless animal. You do know that the behaviour of people who abuse animals tends to escalates over time so it's likely to get worse for both you and the poor creature? End this relationship now. Keep the dog.

dont worry about chasing him back for a key, he sounds the type to have taken a copy anyhow. Get a locksmith in and replace the lock, do not open the door to anyone unless you know who it is.

the locksmith might be able to install a spyglass thing for you too while there

This ^

My house is really messy and if anyone criticised I’d tell them they’re welcome to tidy it up.
Sulking?
Sulking?!
No.
NO.
Change the locks.

It’s your flat! Live however you like!

OP, please tell us you have broken up with him?

You sound a lovely person and take great care of your dog, your life when your ex is away sounds ideal, peaceful and fulfilling. I’d choose a messy home over being in an abusive relationship any day of the week! Being shamed for your past bf’s, being messy is not an excuse for someone to treat you bad, if you could erase your past and your house was like a show home he would still find something to try to make you feel less than. These types of people like strip your self esteem like a vampire until you’re walking on eggshells all the time, waiting for him to find the next ‘fault’ and start on you.
If your home is messy, so what! It doesn’t impact anyone else, it doesn’t make you a bad person, you’re a good person, you love and care for your animals and you deserve a peaceful life.

No advise on the rubbish boyfriend

But I’m a huge hoarder and currently trying to get out the habit. I get really overwhelmed when it’s a lot. But I’ve put two bags near the door of the room I’m decluttering and I do 15 minutes a day. One bag is for bin and one is for donate and anything I’m keeping goes in its proper home. It’s only a small amount and sometimes I do more but just doing it in smaller chunks helps!

This isn't about ADHD. This is about having a horrible boyfriend. A decent one would ask if he could help so you don't feel so overwhelmed.

Have you heard of body doubling for ADHD? sorry if this has already been mentioned, I havent read the whole thread... It is basically about doing difficult, overwhelming tasks like tidying together with another person. There is an app called Flown that I have heard good things about
(online explanation: Body doubling is a concept that leverages the power of social influence to boost productivity. The idea is that the presence of another person, even virtually, provides a sense of companionship and accountability, making tasks seem less intimidating and more doable.)

@spooktrain I haven’t I shall look this up and thank you to everyone who has posted
I m feeling okay I have told him I need some space just so I can get my head around things, it’s what I need otherwise I will get obsessed with the whole situation
I am a bit too much of a people pleaser really even to the dog
there is no danger he would take her more likely he would panic I wouldn’t have her
she is a soft, docile and gentle creative she doesn’t deserve to feel anxious any more than I do
this has been a long time coming and today I actually feel relaxed

so glad you feel more relaxed today - that is your body telling you that you are on the right track. You and your lovely dog deserve to feel safe and relaxed always xxxx

I just felt relief when I was coming home today without having to pander to him and hope he throws a crumb of kindness my way

Get rid of him and you can have that feeling every day.

And I'm sure you will find all of life easier if you're not permanently stressed by what he thinks, does and says.

@2024riot so why does he even have a key to your home?????

I'm so sorry anyone feels the right to treat you this way. All I can say is run. Move. If you have friends/family hide. What part of the country are you?
You don't need to hide for long, just time to love you XX

If he's trusted with the key, he's trusted to turn up whenever 🤷‍♂️
He should also be trusted with the dish washing, surface cleaning and the hoover and have the ability to lay out clothing he finds on the floordrobe for you to sort out when you get home, otherwise ask for the key back 😏

If he's sat in your flat, doing sod all waiting to moan, and you're afraid to go home because he'll moan, think how much nicer your life will be without him!

If this is how you live in reality and he can't handle it, he's not the man for you. You can't be someone you aren't just to keep him happy.

And she is "dreading" going home...
This man is no good.

I have told him I need some space

I think you need more than space from him. What is stopping you from just ending it entirely?

He doesn't make you happy.