Overwhelmed and my boyfriend keeps letting himself into my home and finding it in a mess

[2024riot]

I feel so bad because my boyfriend keeps letting himself into my place when I don’t expect him to be there and finding that I have left my flat in a real state
Embarrasingly so
he wasn’t meant to come until Monday
dreading going home as he will be so unpleasant

Him and everything he owns first .
Then things you were given and do not like
Then things that are broken and worn out

Less stuff is less stuff to loose / leave untidy .

When I was 19 I went out with someone for 18 months who used to bang on about the 1 person I had been with before him.

I always did the right thing, was careful who I spoke to etc. Thursday night was pub night for a big group of couples and it got to the point I would keep my head down so to avoid being accused of looking at another male. No one reached out to me and I was in my own miserable world trying to prove I was loyal.

one day his mother took my aside and told me after I would visit him, he used to ride a motorbike and follow me home to ensure I wasn’t seeing someone after him!

then he would go out….

that period of my life cost me a lot of self worth and I’m telling you this because I recognise my younger self in your comments.

this man has no right to be treating you this poorly! I would put money on it he enters your home when you don’t even know he has been there, going through your things.

please get a locksmith in asap.

Your worth a million trillion more than this man..better by far to be on your own .....you deserve to be happy ....enjoy your family and friends and one day a man who sees your worth will be standing there with a big grin on his face telling you how lucky he is to have you in his life ❤️

If he isn’t nice to you anymore then end it.

This is narcissistic control. Dump him and run. I’m currently divorcing a narcissist after 16 years and 2 kids because i “forgave” all the red flags (and there were many). It’s insanely painful and I’m losing a lot financially as well as emotionally. Just run, block.

Keep the dog dump the fella!

Change your locks. Keep the dog with you. He doesn't love you or the dog. End this awful, unhealthy and unhappy relationship with this poor excuse of a human being. Be happy with your dog and your new dog walking friends. RSPCA are highly unlikely to be interested as the dog is happy with you. If you give the dog back under RSPCA supervision as someone suggested, unlikely though that this would happen, they certainly wouldn't become involved long term so the poor dog would end up totally reliant on this awful person who has terrified s/he for its very survival, right down to whether or not s/he has clean water to drink.

Thank you everyone
I actually don’t he likes me but life with me is easy and nice so he can’t bear to lose that
certainly the looks of disgust he gives me would reflect this
Im not scared of him just have a pathetic need to please him and tolerate him being unpleasant
he certainly doesn’t appreciate the wonderful dog
there is no danger he would ever take her
we have a holiday planned for every month until November , clubs to go to and other adventures

Dreading going home is no way to live....forget the holidays and plans...why wd you be with someone you sayd dosent seem to even like you!!..invest your time in yourself and your lovely dog 🐕

@Loveshark25Thankfully the holidays are booked me and the dog he isn’t invited on those

Air tags on my keys transformed my life. Before that they were regularly lost or locked inside the house or car. I have spent ridiculous amounts of money on locksmiths and replacement keys over the years. Before the air tags I used large objects as key chains - table tennis bats, dog toys - harder to lose!

He is a controlling arse.

Are you getting professional help with managing your ADHD?

Can you get professional help with decluttering, organising cleaning?

Also, change the locks. Tell him you're not comfortable with this current arrangement.

Sounds like the dog would be happier with you. Ask if he would like her to come and live with you?
He'll probably say no.
She'll probably have to go back to him.
Don't let him use her to keep you under control.
Get a dog if you've loved having her.

You DON'T have to put up with relationships, behaviour and men like this. There is a No button.

My dad bought me tile . The android equivalent of air tags . I always lose my keys when I get in tired and my parents childmind for me on a long day at work ..
I get in the door and everyone wants my attention.. next thing I have put them down somewhere.

If your car and door keys are on the same ring it's harder to leave without them if you drive to work.

Now to change the pathetic need to please the ' deatheater ' who sucks the very happiness out of you .

The holidays you and the dog are a great start.
Start looking after yourself and your needs . Learn to be an independent woman. Only then will you be ready to even consider a relationship with someone else that's more than friendship.

Women aren't less for not having a man . A lot of the time sadly they are better off without.

Hopefully the next generation will be more kind to eachother but human nature persists ... There are always the leaches and those too generous for their own good .

Your home your rules.
Get your key back tell this so called boyfriend to sling his hook and keep the dog .

when you arrived home and he is unexpectedly in there, his moaning about the standard of your house keeping is actually a distraction to throw you off asking wtf he is doing in your home to begin with… and I still think he is going through your things beforehand. Just not finding whatever he thinks is there.

just be rid of him and change your locks.

@2024riot

Even if you feel you need more time before you break with him, please, if you haven't changed your locks, do so right away. You don't want him walking in before you have mustered up the courage to break with him.

If you're at all handy at DIY you can change the lock barrels yourself. Plenty of YouTube 'How To' videos out there.

Ask yourself if he is making you happy for at least 51% of your time. If not then it's probably time to call time on the relationship. You are in danger of letting your self esteem fall so low that you put up with with negative comments because you think that's better than nothing. It isn't. You are probably getting depressed as well which is why you are procrastinating over tidying up and motivating yourself to find solutions.

Is the dog being in your home a handy alibi for him letting himself in? To 'look after/check on the dog'? When be may actually be doing other things like looking through your stuff?

He would do well to find anything considering the state of it, and the clothes mountains and clutter
I dont Know why he does it considering how many time I have asked him not to or even just give me an hours notice
I ve woken up before and found him standing in the lounge and he got cross because I screamed
having space has been the best thing to see how toxic it has become

You deserve so much more than this man.

You deserve so much better than that abusive nasty prick.
You sound like such a thoroughly lovely, decent, kind young woman.

That dog is blessed.
Get rid of that prick and live your best life in peace.

It’s actually creepy that he is letting himself in while you are asleep. Something not right there Gal !

Gets better the more space there is !
Changing the cylinder in a lock needs you tube and a screwdriver and a new cylinder.

Seriously. Your life is more stressful for the clothes and clutter .
You need a good cull
One thing I learned from my husband's family.. the less things you have , the easier it is to be tidier .
My desk at work is usually a state by the time I finish but has to be clear at the end of the day as we hot desk . Gradually I am getting a bit better.

30 yrs ago I decided not to accept freebies I didn't need . I still have too much stuff .

I mean life gets better the more space from him.

It leaves more space in your head for your ADHD
Additude website is good .
It is hard to get habits with ADHD so start on little habit at a time and really work on it for a month before trying to add the next.

Put a box in the corner called charity and be generous to your recycle bins and life will improve.