How to tell DD no sleepovers

[NoSleepOver]

Hi,
My DD is 10 and some of the girls in her year at school have gradually started to have or go to sleep overs. One of the girls in my DD’s class has now invited 5 of them for a sleepover for her birthday.
Now each to their own but I will say that I am very much against sleepovers. I’ve just decided it’s a blanket no. The problem I have now is my DD asking me why not. I know the girls parents fairly well - they aren’t friends of mine but I’ve known them a few years, they seem decent enough and we’ve spent time together with the kids outside of school. But of course you never really know, hence why I’m just saying no to sleepovers for the foreseeable future. I know not everyone will agree, but this is the decision I have made.
DD is now asking me why she can’t go and obviously I can’t say because her parents might be p**s! I obviously don’t think they are, but you never can tell can you. And it’s easier say no to everyone than yes to some and no to others.
To DD so far I’ve said she might not like it and want to come home, that she has no means to contact me as she doesn’t have a phone - DD wants to go and obviously doesn’t understand the issue, so insists she won’t want to come home and that if she needs to speak to me she will ask the parents to contact me.
Help me make it make sense to her and why it’s ok for other people to go and not her!

Good idea. Lie. Skirt the issue. Don’t address it head on. Then wonder why your child is vulnerable. 🙄

I’ll give her age appropriate reasons and build on it as she gets older.
I would worry about your own child/ren being vulnerable based on some of your posts.

I don’t allow my ten year old on sleepovers either, it is a fact that paedophiles do not make themselves obvious and there are more of them than any of us would like to believe.

I have told my daughter it’s because she wakes with bad dreams sometimes and needs comforting, and I don’t want that to happen when I’m not there to help her. She has only been invited to one so far, and I let her go, get into her pajamas and collected her at 10pm.

I might allow it when she has her own phone i.e. 12/13 but I’ll cross that bridge when I get to it

OP hasn't said any of this. She isn't trying to avoid anything. She is asking for age appropriate suggestions. Don't know what you read, but it was not the OP's posts.

That’s why I’m on here asking what’s the best thing to say

Surely the truth? There is no problem at all with your decision but you are failing to own it and want to tell your child porky pies about it.

Tell them it’s a blanket no because you don’t trust other parents or what goes on in other peoples houses. Who cares if that’s repeated if that’s the truth?

Some of mine had parents who were the same, and it was no issue whatsoever. The good part was that they were honest and open about that which earned respect, they didn’t try and obfuscate which would have had others raising eyebrows. Only ever came across one case that had others parents offside and that was pulling a ‘we’ll have sleepovers here but not at anyone else’s as we are not paedo’s so you should all be okay with it’. That’s a complete dick move and utterly insulting all round. However, the people who had a blanket no sleepovers anywhere, including at theirs, were respected, no problems.

I didn't allow my DD to have a sleep over until 15 & even then grudgingly 🤣 I was pretty open about the majority of abuse is from people we know, not strangers as we would expect & so I don't risk it. I might trust the parents but not the uncle, the sibling, the friend visiting etc etc. I also very rarely had sleepovers at family either. Some people think it's fine, it'll never happen to my kid & have the sunny outlook but I dont have that perspective. We do allow sleepovers at our house with friends she has known a while but it's surprising how many have been allowed to stay without their parents even checking or exchanging numbers.

Name changed for this but just wanted to talk about the flip side of this.

I had helicopter parents that would not let me do much without them keeping a close eye "just incase". They were very anxious about something happening to me, and the way they dealt with that was by controlling everything around me and projecting all their worries and fears.

It meant my childhood and teen years flew by with me missing out on a lot of fun stuff my friends were doing, and eventually just not being invited to anything anymore because my friends knew I wouldn't be allowed to come so there was no point. I vividly remember sobbing in my room as at not even bothering to get invited anymore.

What ended up happening is I grew up to be an anxious mess, not confident at all on my own, prone to panic attacks, always catastrophising.

I moved out at 18 to go to uni and I crumbled. Was having panic attacks all the time because I had no idea how to stand on my own two feet and kept thinking the worst was going to happen.

After a lot of therapy and medication I'm past that horrible time in my life but I do resent my parents for my upbringing and now don't talk to them much.

Just food for thought really. It's a hard one but I think there is a balance to be made.

Just be honest with her, you don’t want her to go, end of story

But be prepared for fall out, it’s something she will remember, her mum stopped her enjoying something with her friends because she didn’t want her to go

My DD (12) currently has a friend stopping over. Her other best friend isn’t allowed sleepovers. It’s not a problem- they all still get on fine and other friend often comes for tea. I don’t think anything untoward about her parents- they are allowing what they are comfortable with.

OP, I think the age appropriate suggestions you’ve been given are good. As far as my DD knows, her friend isn’t allowed sleepovers because they have different rules at home compared to other people- she accepts this no problem. I can read between the lines and know and understand the parents’ fears even if I don’t have the same stance.

I'd say to give her an age-appropriate explanation of the actual reason, rather than making up fictional ones and then having to back-pedal when they don't stand up to scrutiny. Talking about risks in age-appropriate ways can help children understand how to assess and think about risk themselves, which is important.

Before having that conversation, maybe have a think yourself and talk it through with someone, about where your concerns come from, where the potential scenarios sit in terms of likelihood and seriousness, what mitigation is possible, and under what circumstances your 'no' might turn into a 'yes' and why.

I can understand where you are coming from OP but I do think she will end up missing out on an important part of growing up if you aren't careful. I think a birthday party with 5 other girls is about the safest you could get from potential predators as it is safety in numbers and you should allow her to take a phone with her strictly for use at sleepovers.

Having a phone and constant access to help if needed would be a bit of a game changer in regards to potential harmful situations IMO, I was fondled by an older brother of my friend while sleeping over at her house, luckily it never progressed from there, and he only ever did it once, but I remember being frozen with fear and pretending to be asleep, because what choice do you have in that situation? You are stuck at their house and the only protection you have is to wake people in the household which would result in potential anger from them or a your word against theirs sort of situation. Where as if you could privately call or text home to someone who will believe you and importantly come and get you at any time then it is less likely you are going to be cornered with no escape.

I also think kids need to be taught about abuse and predators in an age appropriate way and be taught what to do if they ever find themselves in a situation that they don't consent to, it was never something that was talked about while I was growing up, let alone educated about, and when it happened I didn't have a clue what to do.

I do think it was more a problem of it's time, if anyone even caught a whiff on social media that someone is a potential paedo now it would literally ruin their life, I would imagine for most potential abusers who could quite easily fly under the radar 30 years ago, they don't have that luxury anymore so would be less likely to out themselves, I'm not saying nothing ever happens now as that's absurd obviously, but people sharing their abuse stories from 20-30 years ago is not a true reflection of the world we live in now.

That’s quite a statement. Why do you think my child is vulnerable?

At my first and only sleepover at 11 I was assaulted by the 15 year old brother. Thankfully he got too excited too quickly whilst I was fighting him so his attempt to rape me failed. Another 11 year old in my class hadn't been so lucky the weekend before, I only know because he told me whilst trying to get me to stop struggling.
Neither of us ever told anyone, by 16 she was in a mental institution with self harm scars that made her look like a burns survivor.
My children don't go to sleep overs and we don't hold sleep overs at ours. I just say no and I don't agree with them. If they want to know why when they are older I will tell them.

Yes this.

@NoSleepOver Just tell her that you aren't ready for her to stay out all night yet and you can talk about in (whatever time frame you're happy with). Just cos other people's parents are happy with it doesn't mean you have to be which I would also tell her.

This is a terrible thing to tell her. You’re basically saying to her that there’s something wrong with her and she can’t cope. This is why there are adults full of anxieties. Tell her the truth and discuss it rationally.

and if you can’t tell her that there may be predatory people about then she is going to be very vulnerable as she won’t know what’s happening if god forbid anything happens. It’s what predators rely on. Knowledge is power

Yes so if those things aren't true, then don't say them to her. You are making it her problem, like you don't trust her to cope.

I’m sorry that happened to you and this is my exact fear for children like that of the ops. It’s unfair and there can be a lifetime of repercussions. I hope you are ok now.

meh - there’s no good way to do this because a shitty thing to do

OP it’s all about calculating risk V reward. In literally everything you let your child do. At 10 she is in y5 or 6, yet you keep saying not at that stage yet. IME this is the stage. After y7 or 8 sleepovers start to lose their appeal. Many kids have boyfriends from y9 upwards even at a single sex school they meet boys via friends.
I am worried my 12 year old will get knocked down crossing the road on the way to school. I’m worried about him riding his bike without me. Playing footie in the local green incase strangers or other teens come.
Im worried about my older DD age 15 drinkjng more than 1 drink at a party and being taken advantage of. (Only 5 short years from your DD and yes, she will be going to parties where there is alcohol!)
But I let him cross the road. I let him ride his bike, I let her go to parties with rules in place. Because i believe the reward outweighs the risk. I want my kids to not be anxious. To be independent, to learn how to make decisions, good and bad and learn from the mistakes in a controlled way, before I know it they will be 17/18 and expected to be adults
its thr same with sleepovers. No, I wouldn’t let my child go to some stranger. To a very good friends who I’ve known for a long time and know the family, yes, I do believe the risk (tiny) that they are going to be abused is small enough that the reward outweighs the risk.
In 2 short years, your daughter will be making all sorts of friends you don’t know. Looking at all sorts on other kids phones that you won’t know. Asking to go to peoples houses that you don’t know or maybe out to the shops with a friend or similar.
There can be a compromise and it’s all about risk v reward.

Agree. I actually think sleepovers are quite odd. And unnecessary for younger kids.

She's 10, not a baby. She'll figure it out, correctly realise that you're pushing your own twisted anxieties onto her, and probably move out as early as possible.

Personally I benefited hugely from sleepovers as a child; I am naturally anxious, introverted and risk-averse and sleepovers helped me overcome my separation anxiety, build friendships and confidence in myself. But these were with all families my own parents knew well in a small and nosy community, so I appreciate the trepidation with parents you aren't as familiar with. While personally I'd recommend judging this case-by-case as opposed a blanket ban, I think there's a decent middle-ground- as other posters have suggested pyjama parties, late pick-ups, movie nights and more. I think it's worth allowing as much as you can for your DD's social and emotional development, and those suggestions are a good way to do so without crossing your boundary with overnight stays.

Late seeing this thread @NoSleepOver but just wanted to add that we also do not feel comfortable with allowing sleepovers. This is for a whole host of reasons, not just limited to your main concern, which I share. Even if you know a family really well, you can’t control or know who else they might have in their home at any given point whilst your child is there, including the friends of older siblings, you have no idea what social media or internet content might be consumed, what controls are in place regarding late night television etc, dogs even if you are aware of their presence could be left alone with children unsupervised, even the happiest looking couples could have horrendous arguments which wouldn’t want children hearing etc etc. For me the potential risks outweigh the benefits.

I think it’s important to discuss all concerns in age appropriate ways. We discuss that if anything ever makes them feel uncomfortable they should approach a trusted adult who will step in to stop whatever is making them feel uncomfortable if they are unable to themselves. If there isn’t one of their trusted adults there then how can they do this? I don’t think children should be taught to blindly trust all adults. Even if they are close friends of their parents or parents of their friends. I wouldn’t be offended if one of my child’s friends parents had similar rules to mine and nor would I expect them to be offended by mine. In fact, I’d be more concerned if they were offended.