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Original poster

How to tell DD no sleepovers

423 replies

NoSleepOver · 22/04/2025 21:46

Hi,
My DD is 10 and some of the girls in her year at school have gradually started to have or go to sleep overs. One of the girls in my DD’s class has now invited 5 of them for a sleepover for her birthday.
Now each to their own but I will say that I am very much against sleepovers. I’ve just decided it’s a blanket no. The problem I have now is my DD asking me why not. I know the girls parents fairly well - they aren’t friends of mine but I’ve known them a few years, they seem decent enough and we’ve spent time together with the kids outside of school. But of course you never really know, hence why I’m just saying no to sleepovers for the foreseeable future. I know not everyone will agree, but this is the decision I have made.
DD is now asking me why she can’t go and obviously I can’t say because her parents might be p**s! I obviously don’t think they are, but you never can tell can you. And it’s easier say no to everyone than yes to some and no to others.
To DD so far I’ve said she might not like it and want to come home, that she has no means to contact me as she doesn’t have a phone - DD wants to go and obviously doesn’t understand the issue, so insists she won’t want to come home and that if she needs to speak to me she will ask the parents to contact me.
Help me make it make sense to her and why it’s ok for other people to go and not her!

OP posts:
pistachio83 · 22/04/2025 21:56

F

Friu · 22/04/2025 21:56

Dont make up a whole lot of phoney reasons. I would say, I can’t let you do sleepovers unless I really know and trust the parents to look after you. This will be the case until you’re old enough to look after yourself (eg 16).

I agree with you btw but I do allow sleepovers with very close friends and family who I trust.

Wolfiefan · 22/04/2025 21:58

A blanket no to any sleepovers is a massive over reaction. There must be some parents you trust. And with 5 kids all going together?!

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minisoksmakehardwork · 22/04/2025 22:00

I think you're going to have to give her an age appropriate truth here. Something along the lines of 'while I know who your friends' parents are, i am not comfortable with your spending nights away with relative strangers at the moment.

This is presuming she would be permitted sleepovers with cousins, grandparents etc

The other option is for you to offer to host sleepovers so you maintain that sense of safety for your own daughter.

The truth is, abuse could happen under your own roof and you might not be aware of it. IME the best thing to do is to keep open routes of conversation with your children. Have the 'pants' talk with them. Make sure they know the difference between good and bad secrets.

Once they get to secondary school, their friendships have less parental involvement.

You need to make your reluctance about your own thoughts and feelings otherwise you're projecting on to your daughter that she might want to come home, she might not be happy etc. As that risks knocking her self-esteem and confidence so as she gets older, she develops an anxiety about staying away 'because mum says I won't like it'.

TheClawDecides · 22/04/2025 22:01

So at what age will you allow sleepovers?

If she was say 12 or 13 could the parents not possibly be "p**s!" (piss??)

Pillarsofsalt · 22/04/2025 22:01

You can say it’s your job to keep her safe and you aren’t comfortable with sleepovers unless it’s someone you trust. But she will be missing out so maybe you can rethink with some safety measures in place?

DUsername · 22/04/2025 22:01

Friu · 22/04/2025 21:56

Dont make up a whole lot of phoney reasons. I would say, I can’t let you do sleepovers unless I really know and trust the parents to look after you. This will be the case until you’re old enough to look after yourself (eg 16).

I agree with you btw but I do allow sleepovers with very close friends and family who I trust.

I agree with this. Surely it's not all about assuming people are paedos anyway so why make it about that?

Hertsmum78 · 22/04/2025 22:02

If you’re going to hold the line on this (which personally I think is a massive mistake but you say your mind is made up so…) You need to make clear that it’s your issue/your anxiety. Telling her she might be worried and might be desperate to come home is really not positive or healthy for her. Most likely she’d be absolutely fine.

TheBroonOneAndTheWhiteOne · 22/04/2025 22:03

What does p**s mean?

DramaQueenlady · 22/04/2025 22:04

My granddaughter recently went to a late up! Thought it was a great idea, they did pj's etc, but went home at 10.30. Could you pick her up late evening. Say about 10.

PrettyFly4 · 22/04/2025 22:07

TW I've name changed for this because it's a sensitive topic and could be outing.

My mum was like this when I was younger and I wasn't allowed until I was around 14. It made me very jealous and I definitely struggled and never really had a "best" friend, although I was still part of the group.

Once I hit 14 and finally started going to sleepovers I loved it but sadly I was abused by a friends father at a sleep over whilst I forced myself to pretend to be asleep, it later transpired that I wasn't the only one. I understand that this is probably quite a rare occurrence but that fact my mum tried to protect me for so long for it to happen anyway makes me feel very sad for her as well as she wanted so badly to protect me.

Could she go to the girls houses and you collect her before bedtime? Maybe arrange movie nights or take them out as a group on your own. I'm sorry my answer really isn't that helpful.

Morningsleepin · 22/04/2025 22:11

Sorry, OP, but has your daughter never slept in a house with a male in it? We all want to perfectly protect our children from any pain, let alone the pain of sexual abuse, but statistics show that children are more at risk from close relatives. And there are going to be other girls there

IstayhomeonFridaynight · 22/04/2025 22:17

You just say no, you don't want her to have any sleepovers. A friend of one of my DDs wasn't allowed, so a parent would pick her up at 10 or 11.

I think her mum was worried about her daughter being abused, but she just told her daughter that she couldn't stay overnight. I did feel sorry for the kid, but it didn't stop her having friends or being invited.

Darkambergingerlily · 22/04/2025 22:21

I was always allowed to sleepovers and I will be forever grateful to my mum for that. It some of my best memories of childhood teen years. I had a friend who was banned from everything and it really impacted her

EveryOtherNameTaken · 22/04/2025 22:23

Can you offer sleepovers instead?

Normandy144 · 22/04/2025 22:24

I think you have to be honest with her and say that you're not ready for her to go on a sleepover because you don't trust anyone else to take as good care of her as you will. That's basically the truth and you will have to own it. Personally I think you're being unreasonable especially given that you know the parents well enough but if you're not going to shift your opinion then you have to be honest with your daughter but be prepared for her to be upset about it. Does this apply to organised sleepovers e.g. school residential trips etc? If so then I think that it unfair for your daughter to miss out.

londongirl12 · 22/04/2025 22:24

Don’t push your fears on your DD by saying She might not like it, and She can’t contact you. It’s not her fault you feel like that, you need to own your own choices.

HumphreysCorner · 22/04/2025 22:28

I have never had sleep overs as I cherish my nights privacy.

Original poster
NoSleepOver · 22/04/2025 22:31

TheBroonOneAndTheWhiteOne · 22/04/2025 22:03

What does p**s mean?

LOL! I did put the correct number of *s for paedos, but autocorrect or whatever has obviously changed it. But turns out from others posts that it is OK to say paedos, so I will - PAEDOS!

OP posts:
Original poster
NoSleepOver · 22/04/2025 22:36

Thanks for responses so far.

Im not keen on sleepovers here either actually (and not just because I value my sleep) because I feel like I’m opening the door to them then - people will feel like they need to reciprocate, that I’m cool with sleepovers etc - think it’ll be difficult to say “It’s ok in my house but not in yours!”

OP posts:
Original poster
NoSleepOver · 22/04/2025 22:37

TheClawDecides · 22/04/2025 22:01

So at what age will you allow sleepovers?

If she was say 12 or 13 could the parents not possibly be "p**s!" (piss??)

I don’t know yet, I don’t have an age in mind. I just know that right now I don’t feel comfortable with it.

OP posts:
Ughn0tryte · 22/04/2025 22:38

DD, the reason why we choose not to do sleepovers is to protect you. I appreciate that 'all your friends are doing it' but we are not.
There are many risks which you will not be emotionally developed enough to challenge but here's some examples:
There are gadgets in people's homes which could record you. These may be adult or children who have them and then photographs could then end up on the internet.
There maybe other adults in the home that we do not know. Older extended family or older siblings . We do not want you to come to any harm by learning conversations not for your age.

Bunnycat101 · 22/04/2025 22:38

I think you need to think about where your lines are re what age you would allow sleepovers and what your position on residential might be. At 10 you might not be the only one saying no but at 12/13 you might be and at an older age, you’ve probably got far less background on the parents.

I have had some mixed experiences with my 9yo and sleepovers. Some wonderful experiences (mainly 1:1), a fab residential with brownies and one terrible sleepover party. I have learnt my lessons from the party and will be a bit more selective. Smaller groups of very close friends seem to work better as does knowing that some boundaries will be put in place. The one that was stressful was much larger and less strict. The girls were up until 3 in the morning and were just wrecked and emotional and started being horrid to each other.

Original poster
NoSleepOver · 22/04/2025 22:38

Pillarsofsalt · 22/04/2025 22:01

You can say it’s your job to keep her safe and you aren’t comfortable with sleepovers unless it’s someone you trust. But she will be missing out so maybe you can rethink with some safety measures in place?

Thanks, I get what you mean and I do have the worry that she’d be missing out, but if that includes missing out on potentially being abused then I’m ok with that

OP posts:
Quornflakegirl · 22/04/2025 22:39

My girls are 13 soon and have never been to a sleepover. I’ve told them it’s my responsibility to keep them safe and no one else’s. If it’s a sleepover with friends I collect at 10pm. Please know you are not the only parent who feels this way.